Bisexual and trying to live a peaceful life

jdpkcg91

Hi. I am 24 years old. Please reply if you have anything to say. I have been diagnosed as a bisexual man. I have regular homosexual thoughts. Find it hard to convince myself that these thoughts are good for me but it is such a powerful feeling that it is hard to ignore. It is stressful and I become very unhappy and I think I bring other people down with me. I am actively trying to understand the meaning behind these feelings because it is such a big part of my thinking. I have tried hard to avoid any involvement with men and try new approaches, act positively but, it is difficult.
I always look for answers and solutions through professionals. I think that this is making me very angry, frustrated, resentful and I believe that my life spiralling off in a tangent with no positive solutions. It is difficult to know where to go from here.
I am a changed man – uninterested in anything joyful, social, I am losing my friends however having said that, I do have a positive outlook for the future.
When I give into my desires it is truly amazing. The feeling of being constantly on edge is erased. The relaxation of it, the overall being at ease cannot be compared to any other experience. But if this were always the case, I wouldn’t be so against it. The aftermath is emptiness. There is no other way to describe it other than life has left my body. There is an indifference feeling followed by negativity and it overtakes me. I also become severely emotionally weak to any bad experiences. This can last a few days before I am hopeful and full of life once again. But those days (generally 3) are dark and hopeless with a lack of interest in the guy I was with. It is full of bleakness, anger and confusion. Unfortunately, this is the truth. This is not how I want to live my life. Not to mention the amount of time put into getting what I look for, it drains me and nothing for the next few days gets done without real effort and discipline. They are very unproductive days. This is not the way I want to live.
Then what is it, why do I crave same sex acts that result in positive and negative experiences which are both at the extreme ends of the experience scale. Why can it not be a more balanced experience? Is it societal? Possibly – to a greater extent than I probably think it is. I think that If I were in a place that where nobody ever did or ever will judge me on what I do or who I am, I think that I would be more accepting to me being bisexual. The culture of ‘do as you’re told’, I believe, has had a damaging effect on people in a way that is critical and self-rejecting. This culture has put pressure on people to be perfect. I think historically it came from whoever runs a state (churches, politicians). It was a way to keep order and obedience, to push people to follow the best guidance at the time (the bible offered this on how to live life). That in my opinion did not work so well – people wouldn’t accept it. The ‘do as your told’ life has now become the ‘do what you want’ life, what you feel and think is right, what feels good. But how do I know what is good for me. Sex feels great and it feels bad but I don’t think it’s a good thing for my mental health. To feel the emotions that I have just explained – this can’t be the way I should live my life.
Maybe a more of a balance should be lived – less sex, more sport, eat good, sleep well, but who knows, how am I supposed to know what it is that will give me peace with myself, what is good for me? (I have tried this balanced way of life with varying success). I have not found ANYONE who can prove to me that my feelings of homosexuality are good for my well-being. I like to look at things through experiences to make an educated judgement. To me, this is making me weak, whatever it is that gives me life, peace, fulfilment and joy is stripped away.
Maybe neither the ‘do what your told’ culture nor the ‘do what you want’ culture is the answer but maybe a more balanced cultural view on things. Maybe I need to accept my feelings and be and receive more love. Is love the missing ingredient? My actions have been mostly selfish. If I receive love, maybe this will give me peace. I know what love is; it is the hold of a mother and father of their son – everlasting acceptance of who and what a person is. It is beautiful. But who knows, maybe I am wrong again because there is no guidelines on how to live life and what you need i.e. you need x,y and z. I am only guessing and testing here because that is all I can do, rely on my own experience – unfortunately a very lonely one. But we all need someone to lean on in our lives. If I am right and that perhaps love is the answer then in that case I must go back and question my homosexual feelings, because these feelings, for most of the time, do not represent love. But is this not the thing that defines a gay/ bisexual man – to love another man?
I feel greed, selfishness, passion, desire, envy, anger but also happiness and acceptance when being involved with another man. I do not feel fulfilment, life or peace in myself. It is interesting.
When I try to avoid in my honest, open, respectful and good self all these feelings that I feel, I coincidently feel very similar to the way when I live as a practicing homosexual and try to make the best of it. Is this it? Maybe I am being unrealistic about a balanced and peaceful life by which there is none.
Thank you for reading.

baby and crumble

First of all, I'm sorry you're feeling so low, OP.

You use a lot of really negative words to describe your sexuality- "diagnosed with bisexuality" is a really strong negative statement. Sexuality isn't an illness. It just is part of you, just like your like or dislike of certain hobbies or food. I'm not trivialising it, or anything.

I think you need to work on embracing your bisexuality. You are attracted to both male and female. Great! Now, once you just decide to be ok with that, comes the work of understanding what you want. By the sound of it you over the sexual expression with guys, but the aftermath is a bit empty- can I assume your sexual encounters with guys happen as a purely physical act? Like one night stands? If so, I can understand the emptiness. I couldn't handle sex without the emotions that surround it in a loving relationship. Even if that's friendship, and not necessarily romantic.

I don't know what else to tell you op. I do understand struggling with your sexuality- I did for years as a teenager. I eventually embraced it and now I wouldn't change it for the world.

martinjudge73

I agree with the reply above. You need to accept who you are, the attractions are not wrong, its what you do with them that will change you. I remember in my early 20's in some gay bars in Dublin (the 2 or 3 there were at the time) there were many man who just wanted a fuzK buddy and nothing else. While I found a far deeper meaningful relationship with women. Yes its hard when you have different attractions. Sex is one thing.. a all encompassing relationship is another.

Don't get depressed with who you are. Reach out and find someone who will accept you for who you are and will help you.

jdpkcg91

Hi baby and crumble.

I didn't mean for the word diagnosed to mean any type of illness, sorry about that.

Thank you, I think that you are right, I do not embrace my sexuality. I guess I must learn to do so.

Yes it is generally just sex. Maybe a relationship would be better.

jdpkcg91

martinjudge73 wrote: »

I agree with the reply above. You need to accept who you are, the attractions are not wrong, its what you do with them that will change you. I remember in my early 20's in some gay bars in Dublin (the 2 or 3 there were at the time) there were many man who just wanted a fuzK buddy and nothing else. While I found a far deeper meaningful relationship with women. Yes its hard when you have different attractions. Sex is one thing.. a all encompassing relationship is another.

Don't get depressed with who you are. Reach out and find someone who will accept you for who you are and will help you.

Hi martinjudge73.

Thanks for the reply. I think that sex is different than having a relationship. I must learn to focus on having a relationship than just sex.

And ya, nobody really gets me ha. Do you have any advice on what what kind of clubs or groups that I could be who I am around?

mattP

Like the two guys before me said; you have to accept yourself.
I think the only reason you feel so low after being with a guy (and about being gay in general) is all caused by the guilt you put on yourself, no one else is. You speak in a rather detached/clinical manner about it all (such as calling yourself "homosexual" instead of "gay", and being "diagnosed") - I think you need to look at it for what it is; you're attracted to men; that's it. There's no need to dress it up any more than that. After you get over that initial hump and accept yourself it will be much easier to find a boyfriend and enjoy being yourself

baby and crumble

jdpkcg91 wrote: »

Hi baby and crumble.

I didn't mean for the word diagnosed to mean any type of illness, sorry about that.

Thank you, I think that you are right, I do not embrace my sexuality. I guess I must learn to do so.

Yes it is generally just sex. Maybe a relationship would be better.

Oh don't worry, and don't apologise. I just think it says a lot about how you see yourself as a bisexual man. And if you decide to not physically act on your sexual attraction that's fine, so long as you at least embrace the attractions to start with. It's both a large part of who you are and a tiny part of who you are. Does that make sense?

jdpkcg91

baby and crumble wrote: »

Oh don't worry, and don't apologise. I just think it says a lot about how you see yourself as a bisexual man. And if you decide to not physically act on your sexual attraction that's fine, so long as you at least embrace the attractions to start with. It's both a large part of who you are and a tiny part of who you are. Does that make sense?

Yes. I think what you mean is that sexuality can be a large part of a persons life while growing up and finding out who they are, but it doesn't represent my entire self as in I have other qualities or aspects in my life also and this shows that my sexuality is tiny when compared to other parts of who I am.

I never thought of it like this. If I am right.
Thank you so much.

baby and crumble

jdpkcg91 wrote: »

Yes. I think what you mean is that sexuality can be a large part of a persons life while growing up and finding out who they are, but it doesn't represent my entire self as in I have other qualities or aspects in my life also and this shows that my sexuality is tiny when compared to other parts of who I am.

I never thought of it like this. If I am right.
Thank you so much.

Exactly. im glad it helped.

jdpkcg91

mattP wrote: »

Like the two guys before me said; you have to accept yourself.
I think the only reason you feel so low after being with a guy (and about being gay in general) is all caused by the guilt you put on yourself, no one else is. You speak in a rather detached/clinical manner about it all (such as calling yourself "homosexual" instead of "gay", and being "diagnosed") - I think you need to look at it for what it is; you're attracted to men; that's it. There's no need to dress it up any more than that. After you get over that initial hump and accept yourself it will be much easier to find a boyfriend and enjoy being yourself

Hi Mattp.

Thank you for the reply.

Yes, you are right, I detach myself from my sexuality. I guess I have never accepted it as part of me, even when I was with guys.

I will do my best to follow what you say. But I do fear about it. I don't mind who knows, I'm afraid of myself. I know the man I have been for 24 years, im in control and on the way to a good future.


Have you any advice on how to accept myself ?

martinjudge73

jdpkcg91 wrote: »

Hi martinjudge73.

Thanks for the reply. I think that sex is different than having a relationship. I must learn to focus on having a relationship than just sex.

And ya, nobody really gets me ha. Do you have any advice on what what kind of clubs or groups that I could be who I am around?

I'm not sure if I would be of much use to you. I am a closeted married man. (Faithful.. not playing around).. I suppose what helped me and I know its not for everyone was finding faith. There is nothing wrong with being who you are, its what you DO that changes you. I'm 42 now, I think back to my late teens and early 20's and I was extremely unhappy and confused. I would say in the last 10 years I focused on other things and my life totally changed. After all sex is not the be all and end all of my existence.

Loving someone unconditionally and totally is really the game changer.

So in short, I found myself when I learned to forget about myself.

jdpkcg91

Hi martinjudge73,

Thanks for the reply.

Wow, I am amazed at which life you chose to live. I think it must have been a lot more difficult when you were young.

It's really nice to hear of someone who did this. I have one question; what was the thing that changed your focus from your sexuality to other things?

I have a hard time trying not to focus on my sexuality.

Thanks

Fleawuss

I stopped reading the OP when I saw "diagnosed". Iona is an island off Scotland.

Annasopra

Fleawuss wrote: »

I stopped reading the OP when I saw "diagnosed". Iona is an island off Scotland.

Oh look the language is weird and really negative but there's no need to start dragging anything to do with Iona into the discussion

Fleawuss

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Oh look the language is weird and really negative but there's no need to start dragging anything to do with Iona into the discussion

Allow me to rephrase.

martinjudge73

jdpkcg91 wrote: »

Hi martinjudge73,

Thanks for the reply.

Wow, I am amazed at which life you chose to live. I think it must have been a lot more difficult when you were young.

It's really nice to hear of someone who did this. I have one question; what was the thing that changed your focus from your sexuality to other things?

I have a hard time trying not to focus on my sexuality.

Thanks

Try walking 40 days across spain.