trouble with past

orourke522

Hi all, was looking for some advice. been with my gf a few months now and we recently had the awkward "how many people you slept with" talk. I was a little taken back when she said 12. I know the past don't matte and all that, however its worrying me as i really like her but cant help but think its quite high for a 21 year old. Maybe this because ive never had this talk with anyone before so i know know what the norm is. can anyone help me with this? is it normal? or should i be concerned. Thanks

Penny Tration

What's there to be concerned about? she had sex before meeting you, big deal.

You really shouldn't have the numbers talk unless you're able to handle the answer!

You ask is it high - that depends entirely on the person you ask. I'd think it's about average. Others will think it's low, others will think it's high.

What you do now is up to you - accept her as she is, and be appreciative that she at least was honest, and forget about her past, or walk away.

LegacyUser

orourke522 wrote: »

Hi all, was looking for some advice. been with my gf a few months now and we recently had the awkward "how many people you slept with" talk. I was a little taken back when she said 12. I know the past don't matte and all that, however its worrying me as i really like her but cant help but think its quite high for a 21 year old. Maybe this because ive never had this talk with anyone before so i know know what the norm is. can anyone help me with this? is it normal? or should i be concerned. Thanks

It's a normal number (even quite low) for women at that age in my experience, nothing to worry about.

However, it's worth pointing out that when you get uneasy about the number of people they slept with before, there is often another reason behind it. In fact, I'd even go as so far as to say you wouldn't have even bothered asking if there wasn't something in the back of your mind already.

Nobody here can tell you the answer, but if you're getting a feeling in your gut that something is amiss, you might want to think a little harder on what the actual root of the issue might be.

Ursus Horribilis

So this old chestnut rears its ugly head again. The "How many?" question and an answer that the asker doesn't like. OP I hope you've not just ruined your relationship by asking this question. So what if your girlfriend had sex with 12 people before you. She wasn't with you at the time so what she did in the past is none of your business. This sort of information can fry the brains of people who aren't mature enough to accept that their partners had a past. Are you one of them? If you are, your relationship is doomed.

orourke522

Thanks guys, in fairness it was her who asked the question, the reason i posted was because ive never asked/been asked that before, therefore iv never known in past relationships. maybe its just a fear of the unknown perhaps, because ive never known, ive nothig to base it on. that why i asked is it normal number or not?

Thanks for the help though folks

LegacyUser

Jesus if people think 12 is low for a 21 year old, I must be closer to the virgin Mary than I thought!

But anyway,I agree the "what's your number" talk is never a good idea! It's in the past for a reason. I know curiousity gets the better of some people and then are shocked by what they hear.

You're better off leaving the past in the past.

Penny Tration

orourke522 wrote: »

Thanks guys, in fairness it was her who asked the question, the reason i posted was because ive never asked/been asked that before, therefore iv never known in past relationships. maybe its just a fear of the unknown perhaps, because ive never known, ive nothig to base it on. that why i asked is it normal number or not?

Thanks for the help though folks

Your girlfriend is a bit of a dope for bringing it up. Can I suggest in future that you refrain from discussing numbers? unless you're very self assured and confident, one or both parties will have issues with the answers! God knows I had those issues in the past because I was insecure. now I'm with a man who's bedded more than ten times my number and I don't give a damn tbh.


As to her number and whether it's normal or high or low - it depends somewhat. If she only lost her virginity a year ago then yes, it's high.

If she lost her virginity at what seems to be the normal age (16-17) then it's pretty much an average amount for a young single woman.

I wouldn't worry too much.

Ursus Horribilis

You wouldn't have started a thread here if you thought 12 was an OK figure. What would you have done if you were told by loads of people that it was a very high figure for someone of her age? Dumped her?

PirateShampoo

Moral of the story is "don't ask questions, to which you might not like the answers"

zeffabelli

When are people going to learn not to have this conversation?

This forum needs a sticky on this!

OP, why does it matter to you? Are you measuring yourself up against all those who already discovered America?

Honestly force yourself to let it go.

Bogwoppit

orourke522 wrote: »

Hi all, was looking for some advice. been with my gf a few months now and we recently had the awkward "how many people you slept with" talk. I was a little taken back when she said 12. I know the past don't matte and all that, however its worrying me as i really like her but cant help but think its quite high for a 21 year old. Maybe this because ive never had this talk with anyone before so i know know what the norm is. can anyone help me with this? is it normal? or should i be concerned. Thanks

Remember the rule of 3.

Guys multiply their real number by 3, girls divide the real number by 3.

DoYouEvenLift

If the topic is important to you and her answer is something you'd consider too high to the point you can't look past it then move on until you find a girl with an answer/past that won't make you feel like this. Everyone's happy.

At least you can be pretty sure she's honest with you anyway since I'd imagine if she was going to lie to you about it she would've said a lot less than twelve, that might be some bit of condolence.

myshirt

12 is quite high.

I read a research paper once also that proposed that women typically understate the number, and men overstate. No surprise to some of course you may say, but nevertheless they done the research paper with as strong a metgodology as they could. 12 persons at 21 is quite high.

I suppose you need to consider does this girl fit within your value system, and then equally as the girls said above, you just need to overcome it. It has happened. Personally, I could not get the 'soiled goods' thoughts out of my head and I'd likely move on. But it's your relationship. Think hard. Follow your gut.

Alf Veedersane

No one can give an answer that is objective here so ultimately it's down to whether or not you think it's high OP. An also how much you think it matters to your relationship with her. Did you think she had been a virgin? Does it change anything about your relationship with her? Does it change how you feel about her and if so, why?

Penny Tration

myshirt wrote: »

mod removed.

Twelve partners outside of marriage? What has marriage got to do with anything? It's perfectly normal for people to have sex outside of marriage, and it's just as normal for people to have casual sex when young and single. Sex isn't some big emotional hullabaloo, it's a bit of fun. Women have sex drives too, and actually, her number is about average for single women in her age category.

As for the "soiled goods" comment in your last post - that's disgusting. Is any woman who has sex outside of marriage 'soiled?' What about men?

And just in case you ask (since you already asked someone who disagrees with you) - I'm a fair bit older than the OP's girlfriend and my number is far lower. That's my choice, just like it's her choice to have casual sex

Taltos

Mod note
Just a reminder for posters to calm it down a bit.
A few removed posts have sailed too close to the wind. Specifically you Mongfinder, have a read of our charter, one liner responses are not considered constructive advice.

There were far better ways to warn of unprotected sex than going for the crass approach.
Myshirt, please tone it down a bit also.

myshirt

Penny, I'm making the point that it may be difficult for a young man to see that the girl he cares for has strayed so far from any sense of moral decency. Righly or wrongly, that's the perception here, along with the soiled goods sentiment unfortunately. I don't nescessarily like the image, or agree with its perspective, but I certainly believe its the perception out there in the world unfortunately.

If this was my daughter, I'd be thoroughly ashamed, and I think many other reasonable people would also. This young gent needs to just determine if this
lady matches his value system and is it overall good for him to associate with such less than reputable young ladies. Possibly it is not, given his concern. But people do make those life choices, and all we can do is pray for them.

Penny Tration

myshirt wrote: »

Penny, I'm making the point that it may be difficult for a young man to see that the girl he cares for has strayed so far from any sense of moral decency. Righly or wrongly, that's the perception here, along with the soiled goods sentiment unfortunately. I don't nescessarily like the image, or agree with its perspective, but I certainly believe its the perception out there in the world unfortunately.

If this was my daughter, I'd be thoroughly ashamed, and I think many other reasonable people would also. This young gent needs to just determine if this
lady matches his value system and is it overall good for him to associate with such less than reputable young ladies. Possibly it is not, given his concern. But people do make those life choices, and all we can do is pray for them.

Less than reputable? Ashamed? Moral decency?

This is not the 1950s. Women enjoy sex and aren't expected to wait until marriage to have sex. Your sentiments are damaging to women.

Kev W

myshirt wrote: »

Penny, I'm making the point that it may be difficult for a young man to see that the girl he cares for has strayed so far from any sense of moral decency. Righly or wrongly, that's the perception here, along with the soiled goods sentiment unfortunately. I don't nescessarily like the image, or agree with its perspective, but I certainly believe its the perception out there in the world unfortunately.

If this was my daughter, I'd be thoroughly ashamed, and I think many other reasonable people would also. This young gent needs to just determine if this
lady matches his value system and is it overall good for him to associate with such less than reputable young ladies. Possibly it is not, given his concern. But people do make those life choices, and all we can do is pray for them.

"Any sense of moral decency " in this case presumably meaning" newshirt's definition of moral decency".

Some would consider it morally indecent to smear a young woman with a healthy sex drive who is honest and forthright about it as "soiled" and "less than reputable" (a phrase you seem unclear on the meaning of, since the OP's OH has no particular reputation that we know of).

OP, don't worry too much about your partner's sexual past, you weren't part of it and it doesn't concern you. She's with you now and that's all that matters.

zeffabelli

myshirt wrote: »

Penny, I'm making the point that it may be difficult for a young man to see that the girl he cares for has strayed so far from any sense of moral decency. Righly or wrongly, that's the perception here, along with the soiled goods sentiment unfortunately. I don't nescessarily like the image, or agree with its perspective, but I certainly believe its the perception out there in the world unfortunately.

If this was my daughter, I'd be thoroughly ashamed, and I think many other reasonable people would also. This young gent needs to just determine if this
lady matches his value system and is it overall good for him to associate with such less than reputable young ladies. Possibly it is not, given his concern. But people do make those life choices, and all we can do is pray for them.

No they wouldn't. Moral decency does not shame others.

Ann84

myshirt wrote: »

Penny, I'm making the point that it may be difficult for a young man to see that the girl he cares for has strayed so far from any sense of moral decency. Righly or wrongly, that's the perception here, along with the soiled goods sentiment unfortunately. I don't nescessarily like the image, or agree with its perspective, but I certainly believe its the perception out there in the world unfortunately.

If this was my daughter, I'd be thoroughly ashamed, and I think many other reasonable people would also. This young gent needs to just determine if this
lady matches his value system and is it overall good for him to associate with such less than reputable young ladies. Possibly it is not, given his concern. But people do make those life choices, and all we can do is pray for them.

This is crazy stuff - women can sleep with whoever and how many ever men they fancy, if a man chooses to judge them on that then it says more about the man and his own blinkered (and imo chauvinistic) view of women than anything more.
My bf has slept with way more woman than me men and I don't judge him on it...

Ps - myshirt your recent post in after hours relating to "fat chicks do more stuff" in bed would make me believe your trolling with the above a bit (or hope!)

eviltwin

If a man has a problem with the number he should dump her. He'd be doing her a favour. Who wants to have a relationship with an immature, insecure man child who can't accept his partner had a life before him. I think it's the height of arrogance to judge someone over their number. Either accept it or end it. Either way he needs to grow up, if he does move on he's unlikely to meet someone who hasn't had a past.

Myshirt I'm a parent of a young woman. I consider myself very reasonable. A figure of 12 at the age of 21 wouldn't be a concern provided it was safe sex. There is too much shame still around casual sex in this country for all but especially young women. Sex is fun and I don't understand the outrage. Once everyone is taking precautions and is comfortable in themselves with it then let them enjoy it.

OneOfThem

OP, I don't know if you're a first time visiter to the forum, or of you read it occasionally. But either way, one recurring theme is guys and girls in relationships in which they are sexually frustrated, as their partner has a low interest in sex for whatever reasons(s) and so thier sexual needs aren't being met. Cue feelings of frustration, rejection, self esteem being chipped away at etc, and an inadequate sex life.

Another one that comes up frequently is people in relationships with people because they just wanted to be in a relationship, not particularly a relationship with thier partner, they don't necessarily find then incredibly attractive, they don't love them, and so obviously the relationship is over before it began.

I think the average age people become sexually active is 17/18. So 12 sexual partners by 21 would be about 2.5/3 people a year.

Just be thankful you seem to have managed to find yourself a girlfriend with a healthy sex drive, seemingly free from impeding sexual hangups, that doesn't seem to get into a relationship with just anyone for the sake of being in a relationship. These are very very good things, as the previously mentioned very common threads attest to in terms of having a happy, healthy ongoing relationship.

Providing you can get over whatever insecurity seems to be plaguing you at present. You haven't expanded on why this would be a problem to you?

Taltos

Mod note
OK last call now.
myshirt you've made your point crystal clear, no need to keep harping on about it or to defend it from those who disagree with you. All this is doing is spinning the advice thread into a discussion on moralities which is not what PI is for.

Further off-topic posts will not be actioned.

crackers and cheese

I actually think it's a bit high for 21. That's me being honest! !! Know it won't be a popular opinion but the truth is ugly. I think there must be more to this though than the actual number and the poster must have other contributing factors that are making him wonder about the relationship. NEVER have a what's your number talk in a relationship as it never ends well.

kylith

I think that whether it's high or not is relative. If she lost her virginity a year ago I'd say it seems rather high, but if she first had sex when she was 16 then it's only about 2 people a year, which isn't very many at all.

crackers and cheese

We don't know when she started but that's not our place to speculate....my point is the poster obviously has an issue with it or would not have posted. Only advice I can give is firstly in future when you ask a question make sure you can handle the answer and either let it eat away at you or tell her how you feel