I am at a stand-still.

LegacyUser

I'm looking for advice and possibly encouragement. At the very least I hope that writing this and putting it out there will in some way help me to move on with my life.

I'm a 36-year-old woman with no children or partner. I graduated last year with an MA in English which followed a BA. I haven't been able to find any work so I was put on an enterprise scheme to see if I could build up some business for myself.

This doesn't seem to be working as I've only been able to get paid for one job in the last 11 months. It's also shown me that I'm a much better employee than self-employed person.

I have been actively applying for work, went to a CV professional and overall have been very pro-active in my search. I've only had one interview in all that time.

I live in an isolated place but it's cheap which is what keeps me there. I am willing to move but don't have the courage or the means to move without work.

I feel like a failure some days and then other days I feel like things could be possible. I go through phases of not showering and suspect that I may have mild depression caused by external factors rather than internal if you know what I mean? I find it hard to get out of the house every day and I just wish I could be using my extensive talents to better myself and my situation.

I sometimes smoke weed to make the day go faster. I've started buying scratch cards which I know is just a bad habit but it seems to be my only hope. I was even betting online until I snapped out of it and closed the account. In the hope of knocking this habit on the head I've started putting the money I would have spent on scratchers into a tin box that needs to be opened with a tin-opener. I hope that I can break the habit of buying them as I understand that it's a mug's game but every now and then I feel hopeless and go and buy a few.

Lately I've suffered a personal loss, my friend died suddenly two weeks ago. The funeral was tough and sad and I feel very lonely. I usually don't mind being single but I feel that I'm missing out on the feeling of being in a physical, loving relationship. I have some close friends who live far away and I do talk things out with them but then I hang up the phone or close Skype or whatever and I'm alone again.

My life is passing me by. How do I get out of this rut? How do I not come across as being desperate? How do I build my self-esteem again?

Sorry for the novel and I appreciate you reading about my troubles.

LegacyUser

OP: I hear you on the loneliness issue, it must be devastating for you to lose a close friend so recently also. Usually people will say just get out there, and join clubs/societies etc, and for the most part , if you already have low self esteem, this can be easier said than done. With your english qualifications , you must be in a position to teach english as a foreign language also? You could literally travel the world and teach if you so wish, or even set up your own language class locally? If you continue to sit and smoke weed, then you will only end up getting paranoid, and not want to leave the house at all. Best thing is to cut down/quit if you can, then again you know this yourself I'd say. You could even use it to your own advantage and write if it makes you creative.
Anyway, the only way to get out of your rut is to get out there and do things you enjoy. I know its daunting....but whats your alternative?
Best of luck xx

LegacyUser

I didn't think anyone was going to.

I got another pfo letter in the post today. My self-worth is taking an awful battering.

I'm not qualified to teach, my qualifications are hazy at best despite being impressive.

I wish I had some help with the job stuff but at every turn I'm either way over-qualified or not qualified enough.

I write every day and I suppose something may come out of that at some stage.

I know I'm going to have major life regrets but I can't seem to get the courage to up and leave.

What has happened to my life?

R.D. aka MR.D

so-it-goes wrote: »

I'm not qualified to teach, my qualifications are hazy at best despite being impressive.

If you have an MA, you might get a job in the middle east teaching English. To add to your MA you could get a CELTA but it's not essential.

You are also qualified to work in many parts of Asia including South Korea and Japan. the only requirements are being a native speaker and having a BA in any field. The only thing that might go against you is your age but the fact that you are a woman is a big plus.

It's not a career and it can be difficult but it might get you out of a rut.

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

If you have an MA, you might get a job in the middle east teaching English. To add to your MA you could get a CELTA but it's not essential.

You are also qualified to work in many parts of Asia including South Korea and Japan. the only requirements are being a native speaker and having a BA in any field. The only thing that might go against you is your age but the fact that you are a woman is a big plus.

It's not a career and it can be difficult but it might get you out of a rut.

Thanks for the suggestion. I am not in a position to leave the country though, I owe a lot of money since college. As you mentioned, my age might work against me, it works against me here so I know it would be similar elsewhere.

It's hard enough to cope with the loneliness here, I fear it would be impossible to cope with loneliness AND culture shock in Asia.

R.D. aka MR.D

That's a definite risk especially with Asia. It can be very isolating. However, I will say that Korea is good bet for some one in your situation. It's very easy to send money home every month to cover debts. Most of the Americans/Canadians go to Korea just to pay off student loans so the system is in place.

Also, the social life there is pretty good. You definitely meet people in their 30's and there are lots of active meetup groups.

You say that you are in an isolated place. How isolated? After visiting my OH's hometown in the US, I've come to realise that nowhere in Ireland is actually very isolated. Do you drive? I know you need the money for petrol but I'm sure you could spare a bit.

Getting out and meeting people will do wonders for feeling low. Would you consider volunteering? I'm currently teaching abroad but returning in 6 months and I plan to volunteer teaching English to newly arrived immigrants to Ireland. I've also always really wanted to volunteer with NALA. You can do a training course with them. Or maybe you are interested in something else? There are a good few short or long term options when it comes to volunteering.

You haven't mentioned what kind of work you are looking for. Is it directly related to your MA? Would you be willing to set your sights lower in order to just get something temporary so you can save up for a move?

I really feel for you as I was stuck at home for 3 years, working in a job I hated because I had to repay debts. It's not easy.