Issue with gf Jehovah parents

dodderangler

Ok so little background.
My gf parents are Jehovah and I've no problem with that but fact is I'm not and either is my girlfriend.
When my eldest who is 5 stays with them during the day they're shoving Jehovah down her throat. They have her praying at dinner time and then my daughter comes home and talks about Jehovah.
Today collected her and she has a program for kids on but it's all about Jehovah.
I don't want it and I don't know what way to approach them over it.
I'm not forcing my Catholicism onto them but they're doing it on my child.
Any advice on what way to approach them on it without losing the head.

satguy

You really need to tell them to stop (ask nicely at first ) . If they do not stop, you will have to be rude to them.

It may even work out better if the child has to have a break from them for a while.

homer911

I'd suggest that's one for your girlfriend to tackle, not you

I presume they are minding your child for free after school?

Could you drop the idea of you looking for a new child minder into the conversation if they dont ease up?

JWs have some rather un-biblical teachings but even if they were members of a legitimate mainstream Christian denomination I can see how this would be threatening or overbearing - it sounds pretty intense

Michael OBrien

Your girlfriend and you need to show mutual opposition to their actions.
A united front means they cannot play sides.
You might try using a hypothetical scenario so they can see your point of view, by asking their reaction if the situation was reversed, and they had to face that scenario.
Good luck.
5 is very young for such discussions. You could also consider promising a supervised discussion with the child when they are 7 or 8, when the child has a better capacity to comprehend what is being discussed. That way they can feel they have done their religious duty, rather than be muzzled completely.

Mrs OBumble

Pay for non-religious childcare, or accept that your free-childcare comes with religion. Simples.

Benny_Cake

dodderangler wrote: »

Ok so little background.
My gf parents are Jehovah and I've no problem with that but fact is I'm not and either is my girlfriend.
When my eldest who is 5 stays with them during the day they're shoving Jehovah down her throat. They have her praying at dinner time and then my daughter comes home and talks about Jehovah.
Today collected her and she has a program for kids on but it's all about Jehovah.
I don't want it and I don't know what way to approach them over it.
I'm not forcing my Catholicism onto them but they're doing it on my child.
Any advice on what way to approach them on it without losing the head.

Bad form generally to do this, regardless of religion (I've a particular dislike for the Watchtower Society but that's irrelevant!).

It might be no harm to look at alternative childcare arrangements as it's going to be difficult to avoid this and relationships can become testy.

Overheal

homer911 wrote: »

I'd suggest that's one for your girlfriend to tackle, not you

His daughter, her parents.. he has plenty right of way imo.

Very Bored

Tell your five year old that if she follows Jehovah then Santy can't come anymore... that should fix things.

dodderangler

The thing is they are very good to us and have helped us out a lot and they only take the child once or twice a week to just see them but it's seems to be every time she's there they're forcing it on her. She a child an of course she'll watch a cartoon regardless of what it's about.
I've told the gf I'm gonna have words with them but thinks il lose the head

Lord Riverside

dodderangler wrote: »

Ok so little background.
My gf parents are Jehovah and I've no problem with that but fact is I'm not and either is my girlfriend.
When my eldest who is 5 stays with them during the day they're shoving Jehovah down her throat. They have her praying at dinner time and then my daughter comes home and talks about Jehovah.
Today collected her and she has a program for kids on but it's all about Jehovah.
I don't want it and I don't know what way to approach them over it.
I'm not forcing my Catholicism onto them but they're doing it on my child.
Any advice on what way to approach them on it without losing the head.

In the long run, losing the head with them will be a very counterproductive waste of time.

What does your girlfriend think about this ?

An initial approach might be to ask them to ease off the specifically Jehovah Witness doctrines, and see how that goes.

J C

Overheal wrote: »

His daughter, her parents.. he has plenty right of way imo.

His daughter ... her grandparents ... and his girlfriend who is her mother.
Not a simple situation.
A little tolerance of difference and understanding, on all sides would undoubtedly help.

Peregrinus

dodderangler wrote: »

I've told the gf I'm gonna have words with them but thinks il lose the head

Is she right?

This is the problem. This is your child, not your girlfriend's, and you have the right and the responsibility to raise the child with the beliefs and values that you think right. So it's more appropriate that you should have this conversation than that your girlfriend should.

Plus, they're her parents, and she has a lot invested in a relationship with them that you don't. So if there is any chance that this conversation might end badly, better for all concerned that it be a conversation with you, and not a conversation with her. Do not, if you can possibly avoid it, ask your girlfriend to put herself in a position where she has to choose between her loyalty to you and her relationship with her parents.

So you have to front up to this. And you have to not lose the head.

You know her parents better than I do, obviously. But I wouldn't start out with the assumption that this must end badly. JWs are generally pretty enthusiastically evangelical. But one of the things they develop along with that is a sense of boundaries, a sense of where to draw the line.

The thing is, JWs have different boundaries from most of the rest of us. We don't knock on strangers' doors to tell them about our beliefs, religious or non-religious, and we find it startling and maybe a bit unnerving that they do. But this doesn't mean they have no boundaries; just that they have different boundaries. But one of their boundaries is usually not to butt in where they've been told they're not wanted. I am not saying that every single JW accepts and respects this boundary, but I wouldn't start from the assumption that your girlfriend's parents don't.

So, your girlfriend's parents will evangelise your child if they have no clear, explicit reason to think that you object. Most JWs will not continue once they clearly understand that you don't want them to. You need to convey this in a polite and friendly way, coupled with expressions of appreciation for all they do for the child. If you can do that then there's an excellent prospect of them listening to you, and taking on board what you say, and respecting it.

satguy

Are Jehovah Witness the ones that let the child die rather than give/get blood ?

Peregrinus

Yes.

Which is not to say that every JW would do that. Just that it is JW beliefs which lead people to do that.

Also worth pointing out that, when parents refuse to allow blood transfusions for children, the usual course is that the authorities take court action to allow them to administer the transfusions without parental consent. The result is that parents refusing transfusions for their children know that the children won't die; the actual outcome is that someone who is not a JW and does not hold JW beliefs will take the decision to authorise the transfusions. For all we know, in some cases the parents may be very happy about that outcome.

If parental refusal of tranfusion permission was actually followed through, it's possible that there would be fewer refusals.

Where the rubber really hits the road is where adults refuse transfusions for themselves. The authorities will generally not intervene there - mentally competent adults have the right to decline any medical treatment.

aaakev

Peregrinus wrote: »

Is she right?

This is the problem. This is your child, not your girlfriend's, and you have the right and the responsibility to raise the child with the beliefs and values that you think right. So it's more appropriate that you should have this conversation than that your girlfriend should.

Plus, they're her parents, and she has a lot invested in a relationship with them that you don't. So if there is any chance that this conversation might end badly, better for all concerned that it be a conversation with you, and not a conversation with her. Do not, if you can possibly avoid it, ask your girlfriend to put herself in a position where she has to choose between her loyalty to you and her relationship with her parents.

So you have to front up to this. And you have to not lose the head.

You know her parents better than I do, obviously. But I wouldn't start out with the assumption that this must end badly. JWs are generally pretty enthusiastically evangelical. But one of the things they develop along with that is a sense of boundaries, a sense of where to draw the line.

The thing is, JWs have different boundaries from most of the rest of us. We don't knock on strangers' doors to tell them about our beliefs, religious or non-religious, and we find it startling and maybe a bit unnerving that they do. But this doesn't mean they have no boundaries; just that they have different boundaries. But one of their boundaries is usually not to butt in where they've been told they're not wanted. I am not saying that every single JW accepts and respects this boundary, but I wouldn't start from the assumption that your girlfriend's parents don't.

So, your girlfriend's parents will evangelise your child if they have no clear, explicit reason to think that you object. Most JWs will not continue once they clearly understand that you don't want them to. You need to convey this in a polite and friendly way, coupled with expressions of appreciation for all they do for the child. If you can do that then there's an excellent prospect of them listening to you, and taking on board what you say, and respecting it.

sounds to me like the girlfriend is also the childs mother...... i assume your thinking differently?

Dodder, i wouldn't stand for this myself, id let them know in no uncertain terms that i didn't want them doing it.

Now im a pure atheist, i genuinely have zero time for religion but my mother is your typical Irish catholic who has her beliefs and would go to mass a few times a year and at christmas and easter, she sometimes brings my 2 kids, iv no problem with that because she knows my beliefs and doesn't shove anything down their throats like it seems is happening in your case. maybe shoving down their throats is the wrong term here but it defo sounds like they are being full on

hinault

It's a difficult one.

Outside of the discussion about religion, grandparents and grandchildren have a special bond with one another. This bond has to be respected.

Religious instruction is usually the preserve of the parents when it comes to their children.

It is clear from what you say that neither you or the childrens mother wish that your child be instructed by their JW grandparents.
This wish needs to be conveyed to the grandparents without smashing the familial bond between grandparent and grandchild.

I think the suggest that the mother of the child should talk to the grandparents about this is a prudent suggestion. She is their daughter and she is the mother of the child. This gives her far more influence in the circumstances. (if it was your parents doing the instructing, you'd have far more say than the mother would).

eviltwin

Is the girlfriend the mother of the child? Is this a child minding situation where the child is there everyday and why the assumption it's unpaid?

Anyway you both need to set boundaries otherwise where will it end? Minding a child does not mean you have the right to push your views on the child against the parents wishes. It's their faith, not yours and its very disrespectful of them to ignore that. Deal with this together, ask nicely, be more forceful if you need to be. Ultimately they may be the type who see their religion and promotion of it more important than your opinion so prepare to find alternative child care.

Cabaal

homer911 wrote: »

I'd suggest that's one for your girlfriend to tackle, not you

I don't see how it is,
its his child too, both parents have right to decide what ideas are pushed into their childs mind,
The OP as much as the gf has this right

katydid

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Pay for non-religious childcare, or accept that your free-childcare comes with religion. Simples.

Even if there was no childcare involved, kids still have to see their grandparents and have a relationship with them.

This needs to be sorted, one way or the other

katydid

dodderangler wrote: »

The thing is they are very good to us and have helped us out a lot and they only take the child once or twice a week to just see them but it's seems to be every time she's there they're forcing it on her. She a child an of course she'll watch a cartoon regardless of what it's about.
I've told the gf I'm gonna have words with them but thinks il lose the head

Could you stay with your daughter when she's visiting, and make sure the conversation stays clear of religion?

katydid

Peregrinus wrote: »

This is your child, not your girlfriend's

.

I assume it's his child AND his girfriend's

elfy4eva

dodderangler wrote: »

The thing is they are very good to us and have helped us out a lot and they only take the child once or twice a week to just see them but it's seems to be every time she's there they're forcing it on her. She a child an of course she'll watch a cartoon regardless of what it's about.
I've told the gf I'm gonna have words with them but thinks il lose the head

You're not wrong here, so there's no need to lose the head. Keep a cool head and ask politely but firmly that you would rather your child not be taught religion including through cartoons etc. Ideally you would want to have the girlfriend do this with you being her side of the family and all.

You can gauge their reaction from there and decide if firmer action is needed, but for now a polite word I think.