Looking for a bit of feedback

Nialler85

Hi folks,

30 yr old male. Throughout my teen years I was always attracted to girls, loved them. At 19 I suffered, badly, from depression and OCD, and as such, distanced myself from girls, basically convinced myself I was horrible and nobody would want me. Glad to say through the help of a brilliant doctor I got through the depression around 25, although it's still a daily battle, but I'd like to think I'm winning it.

Anyway at 25 I started to get strong urges towards blokes, I just thought it was my true feelings coming through after years of feeling down, so I have been acting on those urges the past few years i.e meeting blokes. I've met some top class dudes, like seriously sound people, but the problem is I just don't seem to be feeling it. I get aroused when it comes to having sex, but after that it seems like I have to force myself to do things. In most cases I've found it really boring and in other cases a bit disgusting. I've never kissed a bloke as it's just not my thing and I have no desire to do oral on a bloke, basically I just don't like the cock. It seems like my fantasies are a lot more enjoyable than the actual doing part!!

It's left me thinking that maybe I'm asexual, but from what I've read asexual people still feel attraction, just not in a sexual way i.e enjoy cuddling,kissing. That's just not my cup of tea with a bloke. I still get horny fantasizing about them, although it seems to be getting less and less the more I've tried to act out my fantasies.

When it comes to women. I'm not attracted to them outright i.e don't get aroused looking at them, but I love kissing them etc and whenever I do I get aroused although I haven't taken it any further in years as I'm fearful I won't be able to perform with them.

I guess my question boils down to this, if I was gay should I not enjoy gays acts i.e sex, emotion, companionship???

Nialler85

Hi folks,

30 yr old male. Throughout my teen years I was always attracted to girls, loved them. At 19 I suffered, badly, from depression and OCD, and as such, distanced myself from girls, basically convinced myself I was horrible and nobody would want me. Glad to say through the help of a brilliant doctor I got through the depression around 25, although it's still a daily battle, but I'd like to think I'm winning it.

Anyway at 25 I started to get strong urges towards blokes, I just thought it was my true feelings coming through after years of feeling down, so I have been acting on those urges the past few years i.e meeting blokes. I've met some top class dudes, like seriously sound people, but the problem is I just don't seem to be feeling it. I get aroused when it comes to having sex, but after that it seems like I have to force myself to do things. In most cases I've found it really boring and in other cases a bit disgusting. I've never kissed a bloke as it's just not my thing and I have no desire to do oral on a bloke, basically I just don't like the cock. It seems like my fantasies are a lot more enjoyable than the actual doing part!!

It's left me thinking that maybe I'm asexual, but from what I've read asexual people still feel attraction, just not in a sexual way i.e enjoy cuddling,kissing. That's just not my cup of tea with a bloke. I still get horny fantasizing about them, although it seems to be getting less and less the more I've tried to act out my fantasies.

When it comes to women. I'm not attracted to them outright i.e don't get aroused looking at them, but I love kissing them etc and whenever I do I get aroused although I haven't taken it any further in years as I'm fearful I won't be able to perform with them. I think my OCD is a bit at play here, as with OCD, when you start to doubt even small things it really plays/sticks on your mind, it's a bastard haha

I guess my question boils down to this, if I was gay should I not enjoy gays acts i.e sex, emotion, companionship??? I want to try and figure this out for myself but also for the people I meet. A lot of them have wanted to meet up again and I feel like **** having to tell them that I'm just not that into it. I feel like I'm wasting their time and that ain't fair on them.

lyinghere

I think you are gay, just not met the right person to want all that extra stuff with yet. You can't force it !

sharmander

Hmm... have you looked into Demisexuality? Looks like something that could potentially be describing the feelings you have - perhaps you need a specific person who you have a very strong emotional connection with for you to feel that strong sexual attraction to? Could explaim why you're still fantasising about people but not enjoying it when trying it IRL

Just a thought, it's a hard one to call from such a sort post and seeing as we're strangers to each other.

Nialler85

Yeah possibly although I don't have any strong emotional connections towards blokes, just don't have them...


The thing that annoys me is that most of the blokes I have met are sound, and I've really enjoyed their company i.e cool to hang around, but that's about it. I don't get any feelings beyond cool to hang around with. Getting physical with them was just something I thought I had to do because I was gay, certainly wasn't because of desire to do so.

Ever since I met the last bloke I've actually struggled to think about blokes in a sexual way i.e don't get horny watching gay porn or thinking about it. It's almost like my mind has confirmed I'm not gay, but I don't want it to as it was my only sexual outlet!!!

Nialler85

Yeah maybe. Just annoying that my emotional connections are towards girls. I just don't get them with blokes.