Can't move on from childhood abuse

LegacyUser

Not really sure how to go about writing all this down. I'm a regular boards poster, but am going unreg for this.

Basically as a child, teenager and all my life really I was abused by my father. Not sexually, but physically, mentally and emotionally. It all came to a head last year due to other issues that occurred and I just can't seem to be able to come to terms with everything and try and move on with my life.

As a child, I grew up with a father who was (still is) a complete control freak with a horrendous temper. He could fly off the handle over the smallest thing. Whatever I did was wrong. He had absolutely no interest in me as his child, I was just a nuisance that happened to live in his house.

Just some instances that happened to me growing up. When I was about 8 or 9 I can remember him kicking me in my private parts (I can't even remember what I did, probably nothing) and I remember crying in my bedroom and praying to God that if nothing was damaged then I'd 'be good' and try not to upset him again.

I was never any good at maths as a child and around the same age as above we were doing fractions in school. I couldn't get the hang of them and asked him about my homework. He started roaring and shouting at me, hitting me and teling me how f***ing stupid I was and how did he end up with such a f***ing stupid child, what the hell was wrong with me, how could I be so f***ing thick etc?

I wasn't thick. I was actually okay at everything else in school, but maths was never my strong point.

When I got my leaving cert results (360 points, not brilliant, but not too bad) I came out of school fairly happy with the results and he turned around and said to my mother (in front of me) "Where's that going to get her? She'll get f***ing nowhere with that".

My mother, when I grew up just allowed him to do it all and never challenged or stopped him. She slapped me herself sometimes, but also never showed me any love and gave out to me for the slightest thing.

When I was in 6th class, we were all very much into reading and would buy books and swap them around all the time (my aunt bought them for me. I wouldn't have had anything if it wasn't for her) and one evening when I was reading a book my father told me to go out and get coal for the fire. I literally had a few pages to go so I said I'd get it in a minute, and he exploded. Roared at me, tore the book from my hands, ripped it in half and threw it into the fire. I was just lucky that it was actually my own book and not anyone elses that I'd borrowed.

I moved out of home when I was 19 (as soon as I could). A few years later I ended up with a serious illness, not life threatening, but I was in hospital and was ill for a long time afterwards. I believe now that this was all related to a build up of stress etc from childhood.

Last year a number of unrelated issues occurred and I ended up crying in front of my GP and everything that happened to me as a child and growing up just came out. Fortunately I'm blessed to have a fantastic GP who took me seriously and asked me if I'd consider counselling which I did. I was on anti-depressants for a while, but came off them after about 10 months as I didn't feel they were doing much for me.


I went to counselling last year and while I think it did help, somewhere along the lines it seemed as though I hit a wall and it felt as though I was going around in circles, then my counsellor was unavailable for a while due to illness, so it came to an end, however I am planning to go back, hopefully in the next month or so.

Last year I brought the subject up with my mother, who basically told me that I was lying and that none of that ever happened. That upset me more than anything else ever did. The fact that she didn't protect me when I was a small child and then turned around and said that to me just hurt me so much. She told me to "cop onto yourself and get on with it" This despite knowing that I was on anti depressants and was seeing a counsellor.

My father cut me out completely. My parents live about 30 minutes away, but I have been told that I'm not welcome in the house. My father hasn't spoken to me in a year. I met him in the street (it's a small town) recently and he turned away from me and walked away, completely ignoring me. That was a couple of months ago and that just set me back so much again. I have been physically sick again recently and even my GP said it's most likely all down to that and is all stress related.

My mother doesn't care about how I feel or how I am. Her only concern is with appearances. Basically "what the neighbours say", and as far as she is concerned that's all that matters. The ironic thing is that I recently met a friend of a friend who is about the same age as my parents and lives near them. After we made the connection, that person asked me if I was xxxx daughter? When I said yes, they said "Oh Mr X, bit of a c**t isn't he?" so my mother may think that they portray a great image, but obviously people know what he's really like.

I have one brother who is my father in a junior version, another abusive bully. My parents are quite well off and he's obviously planning on his future, so has also completely ignored the situation despite the fact that he would have gotten abuse himself growing up (though not as much)

Despite being well off, my parents are mean. As I mentioned earlier on, if it wasn't for my aunt I would have had nothing growing up. She bought me my bike, books, clothes etc and this led to my mother telling me that I was a "spoilt little b***h".

I'm in a long term relationship and my partner and I have gone through bad times because of this, but we're still together and in all honesty, my partner probably deserves a medal for putting up with me at this stage. Incidentally my partner's father couldn't be more different to mine, and is without a doubt a complete and utter gentleman.

Sorry for such a long post, but basically I just can't seem to get over this. I just feel like **** all the time, it just hurts so much that my parents never loved me or cared about me. When I tried to discuss it with my mother last year (after she'd told me I was lying) she told me that I was fed and clothed and should be grateful for it, as though it was unusual to feed and cloth your child. I was never loved or wanted though. I was never hugged or told I was loved. I was just slapped, kicked and constantly told how stupid etc I was, constantly put down, laughed at and made fun of, and I don't know how to recover from this.

I know to a lot of people it might sound stupid and it might sound like nothing, but it's not. I have no confidence, no self esteem, no sense of self worth etc. I never feel as though I matter and I know that's all down to my upbringing.

I just want to to be able to get over all this and be able to move on with my life, but I don't know how.

Jabberwocky_I

Hi OP,

I read your post and wanted to respond although I'm not sure if I can be of any help. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much. It sounds like a terribly painful and lonely time in your life and I can understand why you're having such a hard time dealing with the after effects now. I'm sure it's of no consolation, but I think this is a completely normal reaction/experience after going through such a traumatic experience.

I really think counselling is a good idea. I believe it has to be with the right therapist in order to work through difficult feelings. Unfortunately, that often means meeting some unsuitable professionals along the way. Hopefully, this hasn't/will not be your experience. As you've tried to discuss how you feel with your mother, which was very mature on your part, and she hasn't responded the way you might have hoped she would, you'll probably have to give yourself closure on these issues. It certainly doesn't sound like you're going to get that with either of your parents, at least not at the moment. It will take time and will undoubtedly be a painful experience to work through these issues with a counsellor, but it will be worth it in the long run.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but your parents have already taken so much from you, so it'd be a huge shame to let them continue to eat into your future too. You can move forward without bringing the trauma of their abusive behaviours with you. I went through some difficult things during childhood too and while no two experiences are the same, I had a very tough time coping with my feelings in my teens and then into my early twenties. Unfortunately, I resorted to some very unhealthy coping mechanisms. It was only in my mid-late twenties (I'm 30 now) that I really started to deal with those issues and I'm a completely different person now. I no longer let what happened to me in childhood define me. I'm no longer resentful. I never thought I'd be truly happy, but I'm genuinely happy and healthy today. It wasn't easy and took years of therapy, but it's definitely possible to find peace and happiness for yourself.

I suppose that's what I wanted to say to you...to not give up on yourself.
Forgiving people doesn't mean you have to have them in your life either. The only people who deserve your time and energy are those who add to your life in a positive way. This is true for me anyway. I know you're in a tough place OP, but I hope you find some encouragement in this. For what it's worth, I think you're brilliant for opening up to people like your GP, your boyfriend, etc about this. It shows huge courage and strength. You sound like a very strong person to me and what you've had to go through is horrendous and unfair (that's putting it mildly) but you can come out the other side. Wishing you all the best.

Rubberchikken

hi op
you have gone through a lot, and to have a father who would do even the things you mention in your op is very tough.
could you continue with counselling, maybe cbt, and learn to leave ths stuff in the past and move on with your life?

i won't excuse his behaviour, but it could be that he learned it at the feet of his father as you see your brother morphing into his father now. maybe without a good influence, he knew no other way to behave.

i'm sorry your mom didn't defend you, but sometimes for the sake of peace and the neighbours, mothers (wives) can be too passive.

you could talk to them, together or individually, and explain how hurt you felt by their actions, if you felt it could do you any good.

sometimes we have to let what happened in the past go and move on with life. with good support you should be able to make this happen.
good luck

Another day

My heart goes out to you. I completely under how you feel as it is a similar story to mine.

Sometimes for self preservation we must cut those that are toxic in our lives out. I think you need a break from them and what they represent to you. Some people never change, accept they were/are wrong.

Your partner sounds like a diamond! And you have seen from his family not all families are like yours. Spend time with his dad, talk to him and feel the love. My FIL became my dad, he cared for me and supported me and helped make me more confident again.

CBT is also a good route to go. It will give you coping skills. Please go back to the counselling. We all need a safe place to vent but also to put things into perspective.

Best of luck.

via4

Hi OP. I can definitely resonate with what you are saying. For a long time I had anger about the past but I knew in order to move on with my life I had to just accept their faults as hard as it is. Myself and another person I know have come to the conclusion that sometimes it is not their faults. That because of the way they were reared shown no love as a child etc. they cannot break the cycle. As you said your mother knows you are trying to heal by going to counselling and GP etc. and perhaps your dad knows that you will be talking about the abuse and is embarrassed and is crossing the street out of embarrassment. Its the old Irish way of caring more about the neighbors opinions rather than your own child's feelings. We cannot change our parents. They are too far gone and will never change. I also have heard that one that they cannot remember anything wrong they did that part has been totally wiped from their memory. But it is just their way of denying it so they do not have to admit their wrongdoings. You sound like such a strong person and believe me when I say you more you move forward with your life the less you will care. I know everytime I have a success in life or take a step forward they are not happy but that is their issues they will never change. Best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Similar situation as your self except I`m in my 30s now. I have cut my family out and it isn`t an easy thing but I felt I had no choice, I gave them several chance and it was a waste of my time and energy. Keep going with the counseling, I`m finding CBT very helpful just to be aware of my negative self talk. Let me tell you something tho - You will be an amazing mother if you choose to have kids and I have found it a very healing experience. There is nothing wrong with you, you are perfect and wonderful and you should have been loved and cherished - This was never anything you did or could have done anything about. I would advise you to think about a fresh start somewhere else. It can be stressful knowing you can run into them any time.

Best of luck Op x

LegacyUser

Thanks so much to everyone who read my post and took the time and effort to reply. I appreciate it so much. It really means a lot.