When do you give up on a marriage?

LegacyUser

Not sure exactly what I am looking for here but here it goes...

When do you give up on a marriage? Me and my other half are going through a very rough patch due, initially, to his actions but my actions since have not helped. Because of this, lots of unresolved stuff from years ago is starting to come up to the top....

We are 'getting on' but I think its all fake to be honest. I can only speak for myself and most days I am being fake.

We are still intimate occasionally but again, for me, afterwards I just don't feel right. Its hard to explain. I don't regret it per se but I just don't feel like it was the right thing to do??

We have children, mortgage - the whole package of financial dependency..

He has agreed to do marriage counselling but again, I am not sure if I want to anymore...

He is not the man who I thought he was even though he says he is?? Or maybe I'm not the woman I was...

I am so confused. I cant see my life without him but as every day passes, I feel we are drifting more and more apart.

I don't know what to do. All the advice from 'experts' say that marriages can become stronger and better but I just dont know. I wish someone would just take my hand and lead me through this time because its a very lonely time and very confusing.

He thinks we can live in the house as 'friends' for the sake of the kids but I personally could not do that. I have seen the damage it does...

I'm rambling but what I would like to hear from people is this - at what point to do you say enough is enough and break up?

Another day

You give up when all avenues have been explored and failed. If you are not ready for marriage counselling as a couple try and go alone first. Often marriage counsellors do a joint session first and then if preferred separate ones for a time before bringing you both back together and trying to iron out the problems.

Life as a single parent is difficult believe me. I would suggest you try counselling in some form before throwing in the towel.

LegacyUser

Thank you Another day for your reply. We are going to try counselling. I do my own, he doesn't want to do his own but has agreed to couples. I have put it in his hands now - I made the initial contact with the counsellor but she suggested that he ring her and make the appointment as, as she said, I was initially the 'injured party'. He has the number now so we'll see what he does....

But its hard. I have so many questions now about his commitment to me. About where we go from her. About whether I can ever trust him again and so on.

Because things have gotten so bad, life as a single parent doesnt scare me - in a sense, I think it would bring me some sort of peace. But I know thats 'rose tinted glasses' because I'm living in a household that is not a happy one....

Xterminator

breakdownofmarriage wrote: »

When do you give up on a marriage?

IMO when the kids are grown up. then you can put your needs 1st. until then you should consider whats best for them.

If it was best for the kids that you separate then that might be different. If you were arguing constantly or if there was some unhealthy aspect to the relationship.

But in this scenario you are just falling out of love.

sometimes i wonder if peoples expectation of marriage is a little unrealistic today. marriages go though good and bad times. today it seems people will chuck in the towel rather than work on the marriage.

anyway thats my opinion, (a stranger on the internet you never met, who doesnt know the 1st thing about your marriage etc) for what what its worth.

X

arayess

Xterminator wrote: »

IMO when the kids are grown up. then you can put your needs 1st. until then you should consider whats best for them.

If it was best for the kids that you separate then that might be different. If you were arguing constantly or if there was some unhealthy aspect to the relationship.

But in this scenario you are just falling out of love.

sometimes i wonder if peoples expectation of marriage is a little unrealistic today. marriages go though good and bad times. today it seems people will chuck in the towel rather than work on the marriage.

anyway thats my opinion, (a stranger on the internet you never met, who doesnt know the 1st thing about your marriage etc) for what what its worth.

X

You need to put your own needs first because you won't be the best parent you can be if you are miserable.

Staying together for the sake of the kids will win you no prizes.

The first reply had good advice. once you've explored all the avenues you want too, make your decision but make sure you are at peace with your decision whatever that is.

I'm afraid nobody but you can answer this.

LegacyUser

It depends on the extent of damage done to the marraige, you don't say what has happened so its hard to give advice. I'm gathering there has been infidelity, if you talk about the trust being gone and you doubt your husband's commitment. This is very difficult. You want to work through it because of the vows you both made but I understand that things for you will never be the same, as you say it's fake because of what has happened and you can't go back to before the actions happened.
You can't keep pretending and going through the motions just so things seem ok for the kids. I think stepping back from the marriage for a while and working through stuff yourself would be a good idea, through counselling etc, it sounds like you are very confused and can't see the wood for the trees because while you are hurting, you're trying to keep things normal for the kids. I can't advise anymore because of lack of info on your situation but it does sound like your not ready to make any decisions yet but need to clear things in your head, away from your husband, really assess the situation for what it is and not let the way things should be or trying to keep the status quo from clouding your judgement on what sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Again it depends on what has happened, some things you should just never have to put up with just to stay married, I would never have wanted my parents to power through and suffer in silence in complete misery just so they stayed together for us.

Colser

breakdownofmarriage wrote: »

Thank you Another day for your reply. We are going to try counselling. I do my own, he doesn't want to do his own but has agreed to couples. I have put it in his hands now - I made the initial contact with the counsellor but she suggested that he ring her and make the appointment as, as she said, I was initially the 'injured party'. He has the number now so we'll see what he does....

But its hard. I have so many questions now about his commitment to me. About where we go from her. About whether I can ever trust him again and so on.

Because things have gotten so bad, life as a single parent doesnt scare me - in a sense, I think it would bring me some sort of peace. But I know thats 'rose tinted glasses' because I'm living in a household that is not a happy one....

Some people seem to get over a break in trust but for more of us there is no going back.You might want to try again but it will always be at the back of your mind and eat away at you resulting in a constant feeling of anxiety and looking over your shoulder all the time.
I think you need to decide if you genuinely feel you can ever really get back on track with your husband and then work towards that decision.Unfortunately its impossible to wipe what you know from your mind and I think a life in peace with your children is way more appealing than a life of unease with your partner.
Its a big decision but its your life and you deserve to be as happy as possible so I think if you sort your head out and get back some happiness it will also be the right decision for your children.
This is a situation that can go around in circles imo so try and step back and decide whether you genuinely think you can ever let go of what hes done because ultimately thats the crux of the issue.Best of luck with what ever you decide to do.:)

Sudance

breakdownofmarriage wrote: »

Not sure exactly what I am looking for here but here it goes...

When do you give up on a marriage? Me and my other half are going through a very rough patch due, initially, to his actions but my actions since have not helped. Because of this, lots of unresolved stuff from years ago is starting to come up to the top....

We are 'getting on' but I think its all fake to be honest. I can only speak for myself and most days I am being fake.

We are still intimate occasionally but again, for me, afterwards I just don't feel right. Its hard to explain. I don't regret it per se but I just don't feel like it was the right thing to do??

We have children, mortgage - the whole package of financial dependency..

He has agreed to do marriage counselling but again, I am not sure if I want to anymore...

He is not the man who I thought he was even though he says he is?? Or maybe I'm not the woman I was...

I am so confused. I cant see my life without him but as every day passes, I feel we are drifting more and more apart.

I don't know what to do. All the advice from 'experts' say that marriages can become stronger and better but I just dont know. I wish someone would just take my hand and lead me through this time because its a very lonely time and very confusing.

He thinks we can live in the house as 'friends' for the sake of the kids but I personally could not do that. I have seen the damage it does...

I'm rambling but what I would like to hear from people is this - at what point to do you say enough is enough and break up?

Iwould say don't give it up until you know exactly what it is you are giving up, and why, and how your character is feeding into it. By that I mean, are you someone who gives up easily, or will stick at something until you get it right, or are you prone to being selfish/intolerant etc etc. Because once it's gone it's likely you'll never get it back...and it's not that you might regret it for yourself, but for your children. And no, I'm not saying stay for the sake of the children either. Just take a really good long hard look at your husband, your marraige and the life/relationship you have, even if it means asking your parents/siblings/children if they're old enough, how they see ye. That might give you a different perspective. talk to each other A LOT, and take some time apart. Search til your eyes hurt for the postives, and see if the negatives can be compromised or just let go as being nothing to worry about, and then give an equally long hard scrutising look at what you are going to be left with and how your life is going to be when or if you do break up.

The desire to get out may be blinding you to the hole you could be walking straight into. And even though I said dont stay together for the kids,you are their parents afterall, you BOTH have to make sacrifices/tolerate some stuff purely and simply for their benefit,not yours or your husbands.

Im only offering an opinion/advice, but most people's advice is more often than not only based on their own experiences, which may have no bearing whatsoever on yours. So ultimately you would probably make a better decision talking to people who know you and are really close to you and see what their consensus is.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies. It is good to get anonymous, gender neutral (coz I don't know if you are guys or gals!!) feedback.

Its so hard to know what to do. On a daily basis, we 'get on'. We are talking and he does know how hurt I am. We have so much coming up between now and Christmas (family stuff) that, in my mind, I am waiting to really make a decision until after this....

The main crux for me is trust. There is none. I trust him with the kids etc but do I trust him not to hurt me again? No. Not at the minute. I have heard it can take a year for trust to be rebuilt but only if the person really works at it....I don't know if he wants to/can....he says he does but his actions often betray the words that come out of his mouth.

I look at him some days and I really feel like I don't know him. He seems like a stranger to me. Its terrible because there was a time I would look at him and think, there's a guy that I truly love and adore. There's a guy that would never ever hurt me. There's a guy I can depend on............

I know I am vague on the details but there hasn't been one specific incident. There has been a few. No physical adultery (that I know of) but other stuff.........

But to me, the actions are irrelevant any more. Its what we do know.

Our kids are great kids and I know a separation would kill them. Absolutely destroy them. Especially my 12 year old who is so sensitive. He has seen a cousin of his go through separation and he is always saying to me that he would hate for me and his dad to split up.....

So, as a good friend said to me once, do we sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our kids or be selfish and sacrifice our kids...........

Its such a confusing, emotionally draining time for me. And him I'm sure.

LegacyUser

I feel as though I could have written your post some years ago. I'd like to give you my opinion that staying together for the kids' sake will destroy you. Separation is painful and stressful, there is no doubt about that, if that's what you choose to do in the end. And your kids will be affected. But you can do what we did and make the kids your first priority. This is SO important.

If you decide to separate, work out practical, immediate things first between the two of you, and then tell them together, without either of you blaming the other, and make sure they know that you both still love them and will see them as much as possible. I would suggest mediation to work out finances, access, etc. It's tough and you won't like doing it, but it is a huge help in getting you to think about practical things when all you want to do is wallow.

The other thing to do is, though it is painful and hard, try never to say anything negative about each other in front of the kids. Agree this between you for the sake of your kids. Don't prod your kids for information about what your husband is up to post-separation, and ask him to do the same. They deserve a relationship with both of you and not to feel that they are caught in the middle.

I wish you the very best, whatever you decide. I know what you're going through.

jimmycrackcorm

Imogen06 wrote: »

I feel as though I could have written your post some years ago. I'd like to give you my opinion that staying together for the kids' sake will destroy you. Separation is painful and stressful, there is no doubt about that, if that's what you choose to do in the end. And your kids will be affected. But you can do what we did and make the kids your first priority. This is SO important.

If you decide to separate, work out practical, immediate things first between the two of you, and then tell them together, without either of you blaming the other, and make sure they know that you both still love them and will see them as much as possible. I would suggest mediation to work out finances, access, etc. It's tough and you won't like doing it, but it is a huge help in getting you to think about practical things when all you want to do is wallow.

The other thing to do is, though it is painful and hard, try never to say anything negative about each other in front of the kids. Agree this between you for the sake of your kids. Don't prod your kids for information about what your husband is up to post-separation, and ask him to do the same. They deserve a relationship with both of you and not to feel that they are caught in the middle.

I wish you the very best, whatever you decide. I know what you're going through.

My wife's best friend has destroyed her relationship with her kids since she split up due to the lack of stability. We don't know what the circumstances for the op are but its either absolutely have to split up e.g due o serious abuse etc, or simply unhappy.

Personally I find myself in the latter camp and kids matter more than my own happiness.

Ursus Horribilis

One of my friends grew up in a home where the parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. She now wishes they had split because it wasn't a nice house to grow up in. Children are very smart and they'll know that all is not well with mum and dad.

LegacyUser

Things are still 'fake' in my opinion. I really feel like I am living with a stranger now. Even his way with me is different. He hasn't rang the marriage counsellor yet - I've asked him twice and he's just said 'no'. Didn't give me a reason. I asked him last night how does he think we are doing - he said that he thinks we are doing 'ok'. But I still don't trust him. Its a horrible place to be in when the person you have committed your life to feels like a stranger...and not a nice stranger but someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

LorMal

Xterminator wrote: »

IMO when the kids are grown up. then you can put your needs 1st. until then you should consider whats best for them.

If it was best for the kids that you separate then that might be different. If you were arguing constantly or if there was some unhealthy aspect to the relationship.

But in this scenario you are just falling out of love.

sometimes i wonder if peoples expectation of marriage is a little unrealistic today. marriages go though good and bad times. today it seems people will chuck in the towel rather than work on the marriage.

anyway thats my opinion, (a stranger on the internet you never met, who doesnt know the 1st thing about your marriage etc) for what what its worth.

X

I see your point and agree that none of us know about anyone else's life. I have stuck with my marriage. 15 years no sex or affection. regular arguing. Manipulation, guilt, silent treatment.
I stayed for the kids. They are now late teens. I am lonely. Not sure what to do now. Nearly 50...getting past it maybe. Does anyone fancy 50 year old men with train wreck marriages??

she3k

op I am in very similar situation at moment and don't know if you would want to or not but I would love to chat to you? I am a female - 31 with 3 small kiddies and in a marriage that like yours has been functional not happy with practically the whole lot.

Neyite

Mod:

Hi she3k, welcome to the personal issues forum.

We have a rule here that posters don't ask others to private message them here I'm afraid. We have no way of verifying that people are who they say they are on the internet, and this rule is to help prevent vulnerable persons getting hurt- whether that's the OP, or someone who is kind enough to offer help to help an OP.

The full list of rules are here. Please have a read of them.

beks101

It takes both sides to repair this. If he's procrastinating on calling the counsellor and burying his head in the sand on your relationship issues, then you have no marriage to speak of. He needs to be acutely aware of that. Sit him down and tell him.

I really think your only option is to sit down when the kids aren't around and you have a few hours together. Tell him exactly what you've said here - that he feels like a stranger to you, that the trust is gone, that you are uncomfortable in his presence and deeply unhappy to your core. That you want to work on your marriage but you can't do it alone, and if you are the only one willing to make an effort then the inevitable next step is separation.

I honestly don't know what the right thing is for your family. Noone here does. I agree that marriage is taken far more lightly these days than it was even a generation ago and separation should be the last option. But I also think the example you set for your children in terms of what a healthy relationship looks like will stay with them for the rest of their lives. Their parents should be happy, affectionate, supportive of one another and in love. This stuff runs deep and it's a hard lesson to unlearn, when you've grown up with parents that are apathetic towards one another.

I wish you the very best of luck.

she3k

Very sorry I wasn't aware of this....just thought it might be nice to reach outoto someone who seems to be in same situation as I am as it's very confusing lonely and heart breaking. At times i know it's right and then a split second later I'm panicking and wondering if should keep trying.

zeffabelli

Op you haven't given a time frame for how long this has been going on? A year, a few months, etc?

I don't agree that kids "should see a happy couple in love," It's good for them to see bumps in the road and two adults moving through and resolving conflict through a lifelong goal as well as the dynamic of two people caring for each other. This will be a model for their own relationships.

So I'm wondering what the time frame is....

The Princess Bride

When do you give up on a marriage?

The simple answer is when you're spending more time being unhappy than happy, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

Unless someone has been unhappily married, they've zero idea what others might be going through.
Alas, nobody can make the decision to call it quits but you both.
It will be possibly the most difficult decision you'll ever make.
But you know something?
Life goes on - nobody died and things will improve.

Best of luck.

Chemical Byrne

Op, to answer your initial question, all I can suggest is that you give up when you know in your heart and soul that it the relationship has ran its course. There's nothing wrong with working on it but please don't fall into the trap of trying to convince yourself that you are happy when you know deep down that you are not.

I'd differ to most on here with respect to calling it a day in marriage. Why would you make a conscious decision to abandon yourself to lifelong misery in a fractured relationship. From a human perspective I think you should consider what you would do if you were in the same situation but only not married. I don't think a marriage certificate should be a reason to condemn yourself to a monastic life.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thank you for your advice.
Someone mentioned a timeframe....things started to go bad about 8 months ago. Some days harder than others. We get a good run (maybe 3-4 days) and then things just go bad again. I don't know why half the time...we are both emotionally damaged by all that's gone on I think.

I did say to a close friend that I would give it until just after Christmas. He still hasn't called the counsellor and I am not going to bring it up again. I have no idea what he's thinking at the moment. He says one thing (I love you, I want us to work etc) but then in the next breath, he gets moody with me, looks at me like he hates me...

Its very confusing.

I will be honest, I think I am of the mindset that I will stay for the kids. I know some people think its the worst thing in the world but a)we don't fight in front of them, b) we are still affectionate in front of them and c) we still do family things together. I know kids can pick up on tensions and negativity but I am being very very wary and cautious not to allow our crap spill over into our family time. It has on occasion but as one person said, it can be ok for kids to see that sometimes parents can have disagreements - its what happens after is what is important.

zeffabelli

breakdownofmarriage wrote: »

Op here. Thank you for your advice. <SNIP>

Its really hard to understand other people's relationships to start with...

WHat I do know for certain is this....

Single parenting is really really hard...on the custodial parent and also on the non custodial parent.

Divorce has aftershocks on kids that last way into adulthood and I don't think alot of adults really get this when they make their choices.

Divorce wont end the conflict..it will continue anyway and may increase...so counselling is a good idea either way.

Kids seeing conflict is sometimes good when they also see it being resolved... in fact it gives them lessons into adulthood when they have their own marriages.

So this opinion is abberant I know...but bar cruelty...there is no better reason to stay than children.

There is such a thing as family systems therapy where you dont need the other party involved....the therapist uses you as the central point of leverage. I would give this a shot and see what change you can facilitate if he wont go to relationship counselling.

Ann84

Op of everything you said I really cannot understand why you are waiting on him to call the counsellor, you want to save your marriage - right do that, do everything, talk, organise counselling, talk again, and again... Book dinners, organise date nights, weekends away, everything you can do and if he doesn't bite, then you know.
Your post reads very defeatest, why wait for him to contact the counsellor if you think it's important?

On the staying together for the kids, that's all fine, fake happy if you like... But why would you want to?!? Why would he want to?!?? That's not going to last, right,!! Even if the kids buy it, why would you want to live like that...

As a separated parent, it can be hard at times but frick it it's a million better than living in a dead relationship, at least now I have the chance to be happy!!!

LegacyUser

The only reason I am not calling the counsellor is because I have already spoken to her and she suggested that he call her .....so I suppose I am just going on what a trained person has told me but you're right..........I probably should just ring her, make an appointment and see what happens........

I do try and organise date nights etc but we have small kids.......not that easy to find babysitters........excuses right? But its the reality..........

I suppose I am trying to 'fake it till I make it'. Because when we are having a good day, I see the couple we used to be and its so lovely. But then, for no reason at all (I don't know whether its me or him), we end up going cold........

I fully agree with what an earlier poster said - people give up too easy. I don't want to give up. But its back to my original query - if he isn't putting the energy in, when do I call it???

What I can see with him is this - he just wants to carry on, get on with life, do our thing, take care of the kids (he is the most amazing hands on dad you will ever meet).....its like he doesn't know how to make a bit of an effort in times of crisis...does that make sense? I've told him, asked him, nearly pleaded with him to just do something to show me that he loves me (sounds pathetic, I know) and he acknowledges it but doesn't do anything then.........

I've never asked for much from him. Just love and respect.

I don't know. I am so confused. Back with my counsellor tomorrow so maybe I just need to verbally get all of this out of my head. Clear it up a bit...........thanks again to all.......

elusiveguy

Hi OP,

Is there any chance he could be depressed??? I don't mean to take away from your suffering but maybe he's just not able to follow through on the promises?

zeffabelli

It's kind of hard to know what to say because what you are saying is very abstract.

For example, you say in times of crisis he doesn't do anything.... But without an example hard to assess.

Another example is showing signs he loves you, people express this differently so it could be the case he is either isolating or changing how he demonstrates it or you're interpretations/assessments are off....

You have perceived a shift of some kind, he is either demuing it, genuinely unaware of it, or doesn't know how to articulate it.

Either way, carry on and stop waiting for him to call the counsellor. I'd be inclined to find one that specialises in family systems.

How old is he... Is it some midlife crisis thing?

Maybe he's afraid of appearing weak in your eyes?

Maybe it's something and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

Maybe he or you just need some autonomy....

Have you told him you feel lonely?

Ann84

I don't know OP, your posts are confusing to read - I am not necessarily saying go against a professional counsellors advice, having attending counselling and subsequently mediation I was asked sometimes to get my ex to call as there was no point in attending if he didn't want to... But I did keep reminding him to call and tell him it was important to me and is... I didn't just sit back as say in my head - well sure I told him to call and now I'll just wait...

And yes, it's hard to get out, that's what babysitters are for, and yes it's expensive to pay a babysitter, but it doesn't need to be an expensive date, go to the cinema, for a pizza and glass of wine, heck get out for a child free free walk!!!

I actually am trying to provide some positive advice but it's very hard when you say you want it to work, and your willing to fake happy and get on with things and he is too but on the other hand you are asking how long you should wait before ending the marriage if he doesn't spontaneously show you he loves you...
I could be wrong her (feel free to correct me) but I get the impression that you are either burying your head in the sand or afraid to rock the boat too much in case he actually tells you he's really unhappy too...

From a limited window into your relationship (from what you've said) I suggest that your communication as a couple is very poor. You don't know what is lacking in your marriage, you don't know if it is you or him or both of you that are unhappy and you don't know how he feels...

From this, take it or leave it but my advice here is you need to take a more proactive approach to resolving your relationship issues.
You need to sit down and talk to your husband, not argue but face into the issues that are there, discuss the void, the loneliness, ask him is he happy, ask him what can he both do as a couple to sort things out... Tell him how you feel, tell him counselling is important to you and start actually working together to fix things... I don't think it'll be easy but neither does living like you describe

njs030

Harsh as it may seem maybe it's as simple as he doesn't love you anymore but he loves his children and his life. Marriage encompasses so much more than just a couple and it's the man who has to give up most of it if it breaks down.

Possibly he's hoping it'll resolve itself or hes worried in counselling it'll have to be said....It's a lot easier to just carry on and not face what it means.

In terms of when to give up it would be when you've done all you can to fix things. The younger the children the easier it is for them to accept change.

LegacyUser

I agree with some of what Ann84 says above.
I struggled with an unhappy marriage and did nobody any favours by sticking it out for a few years longer than I should've .
Not him not me and especially not the kids.

As for the posters who imply that people give up easily on their marriages?
Who does that?Seriously?
Who'd walk out on the person they once loved if everything is going well?
Who'd walk out if the not so good things weren't significant? Who'd not try to salvage the relationship if they were able to?It infuriates me that others can't empathise instead of judging.

I'll tell you how unhappy I was,shall I?
When I'd a cancer scare, I silently hoped that it'd be malignant so I'd refuse treatment and die -anything to get me out of a desperately miserable marriage without the kids feeling they'd to choose between us . Imagine wanting to die because living as you were was so difficult? All because we'd changed and we were no longer a happy couple?

Fast forward to almost 4 yrs post separation,post counselling to help me be brave enough to leave.
It's good, it's so much better - can smile, I go to bed knowing I'm not with a man feeling trapped, or suffocated or smothered. Our kids are doing well.
I get one chance at this living.
Sure, my marriage failed. It's a mere blip, that's all. It doesn't define me , I've done many wonderful things in my young life and hopefully will do many more. But this happiness is more important to me than pretending for the sake of others.

For the record -I know fewer happily married people than unhappily married ones. Too many are merely existing and afraid to leave.
So you,finally sorry for the rant, please look after your health and talk to someone, write it down even if only to get it outta your head.

zeffabelli

walk in my shoes please people wrote: »

I agree with some of what Ann84 says above.
I struggled with an unhappy marriage and did nobody any favours by sticking it out for a few years longer than I should've .
Not him not me and especially not the kids.

As for the posters who imply that people give up easily on their marriages?
Who does that?Seriously?
Who'd walk out on the person they once loved if everything is going well?
Who'd walk out if the not so good things weren't significant? Who'd not try to salvage the relationship if they were able to?It infuriates me that others can't empathise instead of judging.

I'll tell you how unhappy I was,shall I?
When I'd a cancer scare, I silently hoped that it'd be malignant so I'd refuse treatment and die -anything to get me out of a desperately miserable marriage without the kids feeling they'd to choose between us . Imagine wanting to die because living as you were was so difficult? All because we'd changed and we were no longer a happy couple?

Fast forward to almost 4 yrs post separation,post counselling to help me be brave enough to leave.
It's good, it's so much better - can smile, I go to bed knowing I'm not with a man feeling trapped, or suffocated or smothered. Our kids are doing well.
I get one chance at this living.
Sure, my marriage failed. It's a mere blip, that's all. It doesn't define me , I've done many wonderful things in my young life and hopefully will do many more. But this happiness is more important to me than pretending for the sake of others.

For the record -I know fewer happily married people than unhappily married ones. Too many are merely existing and afraid to leave.
So you,finally sorry for the rant, please look after your health and talk to someone, write it down even if only to get it outta your head.

The difference is op loves her husband and wants it to work.

You didn't and you wanted out.

Opposite vantage points.

LegacyUser

Actually zaffabelli, I did love him - lot.
But slowly the little things became huge and my love started to wane.
The reason I bothered to reply to OP was because I saw the old me in her post.
I wanted to just say there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Some people work through their problems, some don't.
Counselling didn't help us a a couple, but individual counselling helped me.

flunkyfearsome

Odus fell down wrote:

One of my friends grew up in a home where the parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. She now wishes they had split because it wasn't a nice house to grow up in. Children are very smart and they'll know that all is not well with mum and dad.

I grew up in a house like this, Hell would have been a more hospitable place.

Acara

breakdownofmarriage wrote: »

Op here. Thank you for your advice.
Someone mentioned a timeframe....things started to go bad about 8 months ago. Some days harder than others. We get a good run (maybe 3-4 days) and then things just go bad again. I don't know why half the time...we are both emotionally damaged by all that's gone on I think.

I did say to a close friend that I would give it until just after Christmas. He still hasn't called the counsellor and I am not going to bring it up again. I have no idea what he's thinking at the moment. He says one thing (I love you, I want us to work etc) but then in the next breath, he gets moody with me, looks at me like he hates me...

Its very confusing.

I will be honest, I think I am of the mindset that I will stay for the kids. I know some people think its the worst thing in the world but a)we don't fight in front of them, b) we are still affectionate in front of them and c) we still do family things together. I know kids can pick up on tensions and negativity but I am being very very wary and cautious not to allow our crap spill over into our family time. It has on occasion but as one person said, it can be ok for kids to see that sometimes parents can have disagreements - its what happens after is what is important.

Have you considered that some form of depression might be at play here. Would your husband consider seeing a GP. Apathy, emotional withdrawal, change of personality sounds like symptoms of depression. Maybe ur husband loves u dearly but needs med help.

Acara

breakdownofmarriage wrote: »

The only reason I am not calling the counsellor is because I have already spoken to her and she suggested that he call her .....so I suppose I am just going on what a trained person has told me but you're right..........I probably should just ring her, make an appointment and see what happens........

I do try and organise date nights etc but we have small kids.......not that easy to find babysitters........excuses right? But its the reality..........

I suppose I am trying to 'fake it till I make it'. Because when we are having a good day, I see the couple we used to be and its so lovely. But then, for no reason at all (I don't know whether its me or him), we end up going cold........

I fully agree with what an earlier poster said - people give up too easy. I don't want to give up. But its back to my original query - if he isn't putting the energy in, when do I call it???

What I can see with him is this - he just wants to carry on, get on with life, do our thing, take care of the kids (he is the most amazing hands on dad you will ever meet).....its like he doesn't know how to make a bit of an effort in times of crisis...does that make sense? I've told him, asked him, nearly pleaded with him to just do something to show me that he loves me (sounds pathetic, I know) and he acknowledges it but doesn't do anything then.........

I've never asked for much from him. Just love and respect.

I don't know. I am so confused. Back with my counsellor tomorrow so maybe I just need to verbally get all of this out of my head. Clear it up a bit...........thanks again to all.......

I am really confused here. To me he sounds wonderful, perfect handsondad, cool and calm in a crisis is this not love and respect.

zeffabelli

walk in my shoes please people. . wrote: »

Actually zaffabelli, I did love him - lot.
But slowly the little things became huge and my love started to wane.
The reason I bothered to reply to OP was because I saw the old me in her post.
I wanted to just say there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.
Some people work through their problems, some don't.
Counselling didn't help us a a couple, but individual counselling helped me.

The problem is sometimes especially with abstract presentations, you don't know how the op or any op is interpreting things around him or her and what mindset is at play...

So for example if I'm feeling particularly emotional at the time of speaking, my emotional memory will be be very active and I'll leave out some positive detail...If I'm in a depressive mood my thinking will be distorted and I'll interpret things negatively. I will confuse new feelings with old ones.... I will lose my discipline to reframe things....

And the listener being empathetic will reinforce this with sympathy. And all of a sudden the absent party is a selfish bastard....

Someone has to say... Let's slow down and see what's going on.

As for knowing unhappy marriages, well often we marry an ideal...all our fantasies, and meet disillusionment. Yes clarity makes me sad too, that's why compassion is so essential for both parties.

LegacyUser

Thank you again for all your feedback. I take it all on board. Someone said that they are confused as I jump back and forward to saying I love him and then wondering whether I leave him.....welcome to my head!! Not being flippant but that is where I am at. I simply do not know what to do. I have no clue.

I have spoken to him at length over and over and over and he listens and he responds and we agree to make more of an effort but then...........it fizzles out. I have put my hand up - it is me. But not all the time. We can both be at fault of letting it fizzle out. Going back to my original post, there was an incident which as lead us here...its not just simply 'falling out of love'. We were damaged.


But for me, that's in the past now. And I want to move on. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy. I do love him. Some days I don't.

I have broached the subject of depression with him. He says he's not. What more can I do except try and be there for him? He is such a private person. I did, however, speak to his close family member about it and they spoke to him. They said that they think he's fine..........

Someone also mentioned that maybe he doesn't love me anymore. This is a very big possibility. I accept that. He tells me does so I just have to believe him.

On a positive note, we had a lovely weekend together. Went for walks (with the kids), watched tv together, laughed with the kids....it was nice.

Acara - you are right in a lot of senses. He is a great dad, such a cool character, funny and intelligent. Maybe I should tell him this more...

SAMTALK

OP I am about 3 years down the line from where you are now and can see no way out at the min. Like you we talked and said we would try harder and then back to square one again but 3 years down the line we are just living under the same roof and stuck in a trap,.. He thinks we should continue as we are while I think its very unfair on us and the kids (teens). Horrible athmosphere in hse and I have told him its upsetting to think that kids will think this is a normal relationship!!! I want to sell up and move on but he doesnt....He is quiet happy for me to cook and clean for him and doesnt mind the athmosphere...I dont know where to go from here but I do know its mentally draining and I have told only one close friend about this but in reality I think most people know things are not right.