Abused as a child 20 years ago - sudden need to tell someone

LegacyUser

Hi,

I tried to keep this short but have ultimately found it impossible to express this with brevity.

I'm 30 year old male who has kept a secret for over 2 decades. When I was 9 years old, on several occasions, I was molested by another boy in my school. I have lived with the shame of what happened ever since. My childhood ended on the day it first happened. He manipulated me over a period of several weeks, telling of things he was doing with other boys in the school and how I should do this too. I was an easy target as I was bullied heavily at the time. I didn't realise what was happening and I had no fight in me to stand up for myself. This is horrible but what made me finally fight back and reject what was happening was several occasions later when he urinated on me and attempted to persuade me to perform oral sex on him. I cried myself to sleep every night for months afterwards. I never told anyone what happened.

I don't feel like everything in my life that is bad is down to this but almost all of the really bad stuff comes back to it in some form.

- Not long after this happened, I learned what AIDS was. I was so young that I simpified it to thinking that I must have it too. So I went until the age of 17 or 18 believing that I had AIDS too and would die before I turned 20. For years I lived with a countdown timer in my head, paralyzed by fear.

- I struggled with my sexuality for so long. Despite my sexual urges being for women, I seemed conditioned to think I was gay. This led to huge amounts of confusion. I never engaged in any sexual activity with men, but there were times when I thought I should. Long after it became obvious to me that I was heterosexual, I still felt a confusion about it.

- I had acute issues with intimacy for most of the first 5 years of my sexually active life. I was unable to relax and would totally seize up with discomfort if touched in certain places. Once that finally subsided I then went the other direction into overly promiscuous behavior.

- I have had issues with abusing alcohol on infrequent occasions, drugs, and other reckless behaviour when drunk. I can be extremely self destructive and have jeopardized relationships and friendships with this behaviour.

- I have struggled with binge eating when I get sad. I can devour shocking amounts of junk food in one sitting and of course, then I will feel worse.

- I have a very hard time having close relationships with people. I am a very sociable person but I can't get past a certain point and let people in.

- I was an extremely angry teenager (who wasn't!) and used to have fits of rage over very little. Thankfully I now have a very good control of my temper and anger issues.

- I have suffered from severe anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Add to that I have extreme issues with my confidence. I am incredibly uncomfortable in churches as I think of the connotations of clergical abuse and I border into panic attacks. I saw a counsellor for a year when I was 20 and never could bring myself to talk about it.

In spite of all of this, from the outside looking in, I am a happy and successful person. I have a job, although it is a highly stressful industry that I work in and I do feel myself cracking at the seams from the pressure.

In recent times there have been a few triggers. I am following a TV show which has a story of abused children grown up as a central theme. Add to that, I find myself more and more with my girlfriend trusting her with my life and actually not so much fearing a bad reaction to it. We are together over 5 years and it is only in the past few months I have finally eased into that because I find it so difficult. I also recently saw the other boy walking in town with what seemed to be his wife and child. The combination of anger and fear that I felt lasted days. Even now, as a grown adult, I wanted to run and hide. And then I felt ever since then that I want to tackle the issue. I have no desire to name the individual or confront him, I think i just want at least one person to truly understand how I feel because I am truly tired of pretending. That bastard stole my childhood and stole my soul. I have had so few fleeting moments of happiness in my life since then until I met my girlfriend that I feel cheated.

With that said, I am terrified. I have told nobody in the 20 odd years since. I have bottled it up and hidden it away for most of my adult life and whilst I wear the scars of what happened, I do lead a relatively "normal" existence except for things like the eating habits which I hide and the sadness which engulfes me but I hide behind a smile. I have never acknowledged it out loud even on my own. I have no idea what kind of emotional state talking about it would send me into.

I have no idea what to do as I am afraid that if I open this can of worms now, that I could plummet rather than soar. Writing it out here anonymously on this board is the first time I have expressed it in any way. I don't even really know what if any feedback I seek. I just feel really lost and don't know what to do. My hands are now shaking from typing this and my whole body is tightened up stiff with the stress this puts on me.

I guess the one question I would ask is, should I tell? The huge fear is how hurt my girlfriend could be that it took me 5 years to tell her about probably the single most important and formative thing (how depressing) that happened to me. I then think of it that at the same time, she is the first person I would have ever told. Then I just find my brain turns to mush weighing it up and I can never see any clarity in attempting to answer the question.

mapaca

You have taken a very brave and difficult first step in posting your story here. You have suffered a terrible ordeal, my heart broke for you reading it all.
It's great that you have someone like your girlfriend in your life who you feel you can confide in. I think she would be glad you told her and very understanding, rather than thinking you "kept it" from her.
You could start by just telling her the bare facts and let her digest that first before going into detail. Or write her a letter, or show her this post, if you feel you can't get the words out.
When you feel ready, your local rape crisis centre will be able to help and support you. Please contact them, doesn't matter how long ago the abuse happened, they are always ready to listen.

LegacyUser

OP. Similar aged male here, near mirror image story. I hope it wasn't the same abuser. Only got my life back 3 years ago when I finally left Ireland. May I recommend going to a professional first. Your girlfriend isn't equipped for dealing with this kind of thing. There are counsellors who will give you support and point you in the right direction for further professionals to meet. If your relationship is as important to you as it sounds, you are best maintaining the status quo with it. Best of luck.

Mayboy

Hi,

I'm so sorry to hear of the pain you feel for what happened to you. I have lived probably an almost mirror image of what you describe. Without in any way taking away from your experience everything you describe is sadly very common to any person who has experienced abuse.

You have made a wonderful, brave and inspired choice, despite the fear & the anger you feel to open up about this. You have chosen to step beyond its shadow and move forward.
I want to let you know that you can chose how things turn out just as I did, it is certainly not easy but you take it one day at a time. There is a wonderful world out there just waiting to be discovered - you can be part of it too and you do not have to live with shame or difficulty. PLease stay in touch here and ask anything you want. I am happy to answer or just listen toy what you have to say, we all are. Very best of luck.

loalae

Hi OP,

I'm posting here with my social work hat on - this man has a history of grooming young boys and sexually abusing them and he now has a young child in his care. That is worrying. I know it is likely to have a huge effect on you to report this abuse but it could potentially prevent something similar happening to another innocent child like you were.

I work with children who have been sexually abused and the effects are awful. I really feel for you that you've had to manage those really difficult emotions and issues that arise from abuse all by yourself. However, you are strong enough to deal with the fall out of saying it to people who care about you - of course you are! Hiding a secret inside is really damaging emotionally and I know it's difficult but you may just have to trust that the people you tell can handle it, will support you, and will not think less of you for being a survivor of abuse.

Raminahobbin

abused wrote: »

I have no idea what to do as I am afraid that if I open this can of worms now, that I could plummet rather than soar.

Hi OP, well done for putting it out of your head and typing the words out, be proud of yourself for taking the first step in asking for help

I just wanted to comment on the above, as I used to be in a relationship with a childhood abuse survivor and that's very like something he'd say. He was adamant that if he allowed himself to crumple and cry once, he'd never be able to get back up again and would just stop functioning under the weight of it all.

He eventually went to get counseling through One in Four, and said it changed his life, almost immediately. The experience was nothing like he thought it would be- yes, he crumbled a bit, but in a safe environment with people who understood his battle and were able to offer real help. Techniques to deal with the panic and the flashbacks. It made a world of difference to him to know he wasn't alone in his torment, and he told me he regretted not going sooner.

Maybe start by talking to your girlfriend if you haven't already. You might find it too difficult to deal with if she gets upset, which she probably will, so you might prefer to see someone professional about it first, get the initial vocalisation out of the way. You have a long road ahead of you, you will need her support.

But if you get help, it will get better. You can be free from all the toxic feelings- you just have to untangle them first.

frostyjacks

loalae wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm posting here with my social work hat on - this man has a history of grooming young boys and sexually abusing them and he now has a young child in his care. That is worrying. I know it is likely to have a huge effect on you to report this abuse but it could potentially prevent something similar happening to another innocent child like you were.

I think you might be escalating the situation there. We know he did this as a boy, but as a man we don't know how he's lived his life, so it's a leap to be reporting him with baseless accusations. I tried to make my little brother drink shampoo when I was a boy; it doesn't follow that I would do the same with other kids now I'm an adult.

If something is weighing on the mind as heavily as this, it's best to share it with a loved one. They'll respect you for opening up to them, and for your honesty.

loalae

frostyjacks wrote: »

I think you might be escalating the situation there. We know he did this as a boy, but as a man we don't know how he's lived his life, so it's a leap to be reporting him with baseless accusations. I tried to make my little brother drink shampoo when I was a boy; it doesn't follow that I would do the same with other kids now I'm an adult.

If something is weighing on the mind as heavily as this, it's best to share it with a loved one. They'll respect you for opening up to them, and for your honesty.

Baseless accusations????? It needn't be reported because the perpetrator was young when it happened? Are you serious? The op was groomed as he was a vulnerable member of the class and subsequently abused. I'm not suggesting that the man is definitely abusing his child I saying the perhaps it needs to be assessed that the child is safe and in order to do that it may need to be reported.

Professionals in any therapeutic setting would give the same response - they would ask if the op is aware of the perpetrator having access to children and would advise that in order to protect the child a referral would be made to the children's service.

frostyjacks

loalae wrote: »

Baseless accusations????? It needn't be reported because the perpetrator was young when it happened? Are you serious? The op was groomed as he was a vulnerable member of the class and subsequently abused. I'm not suggesting that the man is definitely abusing his child I saying the perhaps it needs to be assessed that the child is safe and in order to do that it may need to be reported.

Professionals in any therapeutic setting would give the same response - they would ask if the op is aware of the perpetrator having access to children and would advise that in order to protect the child a referral would be made to the children's service.

Is grooming not an adult/child scenario? This was child/child. I'm just not sure getting social services involved with this man's family, without any knowledge that he continued his actions into adulthood, will help the OP with his problem. You could risk stirring up a hornet's nest.

kjl

No disrespect to the OP but come on. They were both 9 years old, they guy was experimenting.

I know when it comes to potential homosexual acts guys get very personal about events that happened when they were kids.

From about age 10-14 I have multiple encounters with guys from mutual masterbation to recieving oral sex. I would consider myself close enough to straight now and put it down to experimentation.

I really think that dragging up an issue like this and threatening a man's reputation and potentially labeling him as a child molester is 100% far too extreme. For god sake they guy has a family now, I'm sure he looks back on the idiotic things he did when he was that age with regret.

Plus what's to say the guy won't just deny it all, the OP has no proof so all it will do is make him feel worse about the whole situation.

OP, I'm sorry you feel so upset about this, but sometimes in life we just have to move on and forget the past. Maybe it will help to talk about it with your GF but I certainly wouldn't be taking any legal action.

If it helps, you're not gay, 9/10 preteen/tween boys have some sort of homosexual experimentation when they are younger. It's part of life. Move on and start taking control of your life.

snowgal

kjl wrote: »

No disrespect to the OP but come on. They were both 9 years old, they guy was experimenting.

I know when it comes to potential homosexual acts guys get very personal about events that happened when they were kids.

From about age 10-14 I have multiple encounters with guys from mutual masterbation to recieving oral sex. I would consider myself close enough to straight now and put it down to experimentation.

I really think that dragging up an issue like this and threatening a man's reputation and potentially labeling him as a child molester is 100% far too extreme. For god sake they guy has a family now, I'm sure he looks back on the idiotic things he did when he was that age with regret.

Plus what's to say the guy won't just deny it all, the OP has no proof so all it will do is make him feel worse about the whole situation.

OP, I'm sorry you feel so upset about this, but sometimes in life we just have to move on and forget the past. Maybe it will help to talk about it with your GF but I certainly wouldn't be taking any legal action.

If it helps, you're not gay, 9/10 preteen/tween boys have some sort of homosexual experimentation when they are younger. It's part of life. Move on and start taking control of your life.

OP This is an awful awful ordeal for you. I think the above post is terrible advice/commenting. How rude to tell someone to move on and forget. Im sure the OP would of course do that if he could..Really insensitive post. OP you obviously need to talk to someone about this as it is on your mind and you are not over it at all. I think talking to your girlfriend is a good idea and also talking to someone professional. Maybe once you say it out loud for the first time it may be easier to begin to talk it through and eventually start to move forward. It will be the hardest thing for you to do Im sure but it cant be worse than reliving it in your mind and not being able to discuss it it or vent to someone. You cant go on living your whole life with this terrible secret, you need to start facing it for your own sanity and then you may actually learn to live a happy life.

Xterminator

without knowing the OP's specific circumstances, if 2 young boys of similar age engaged in this kind of behavior, it would not constitute grooming but sexual experimentation.

i would by no means make the leap to suspecting the other boy was a pedophile that's just complete speculation.

i know neither of the above statements will help the op. if you could unburden to a counsellor or your other half it might help you move past these issues.

loalae

Grooming is not necessarily adult/child it is more a case of there being a powerful/vulnerable dynamic in the relationship. The op considers himself to have been abused - other people saying here that was experinentation are being a bit arseholey I think. Particularly given that the op explicitly stated that he had been molested on a number of occasions after being groomed over a number of weeks. Did people miss that bit?

So what if reporting this to authorities stirs up a hornet's nest for the perpetrator? If the op reports it to the gardai (which he is well within his rights to) it would be investigated and charges could be brought against him. And then the gardai would make a referral to a child protection duty team who would conduct their own assessment.

I genuinely don't understand why others are suggesting that this shouldn't be reported further. If it is found that the perpetrator considered it to be experimentation and is assessed as being safe to look after his child then fine but what if by reporting this the op could save someone else from the difficult two decades that he has experienced?

frostyjacks

I very much doubt an under-resourced and under-staffed Gardaí would launch an investigation into what happened between two schoolboys 20 years ago. Even if they did, nothing would come of it as they were both children at the time and not responsible for their actions.

The Gardaí would probably tell him the same as what's being said here; get counselling, talk it out.

neemish

Hi OP,

My heart goes out to you. Was in the do I tell or not scenario for years.

Your main concern at the moment should be yourself. Don't worry about who you might need to tell (family, friends etc). Get yourself a counsellor who deals with these issues. You don't have to talk about everything in the first or even second session. Whether or not this other child meant this behaviour to be abusive doesn't really matter. It had a profound effect on your life and you have to deal with that. It sounds like the can of worms is well and truly open. Maybe it has happened because now you are able to deal with it.

Mayboy

I really hope everyone will try to keep this thread focussed on what the poster needs - not on trying to say whether the abuser may or may not be a potential risk - that really is another conversation - equally valid, but right now there are simple steps to be taken and the poster is at very early stage in dealing with this.

zeffabelli

loalae wrote: »

Grooming is not necessarily adult/child it is more a case of there being a powerful/vulnerable dynamic in the relationship. The op considers himself to have been abused - other people saying here that was experinentation are being a bit arseholey I think. Particularly given that the op explicitly stated that he had been molested on a number of occasions after being groomed over a number of weeks. Did people miss that bit?

So what if reporting this to authorities stirs up a hornet's nest for the perpetrator? If the op reports it to the gardai (which he is well within his rights to) it would be investigated and charges could be brought against him. And then the gardai would make a referral to a child protection duty team who would conduct their own assessment.

I genuinely don't understand why others are suggesting that this shouldn't be reported further. If it is found that the perpetrator considered it to be experimentation and is assessed as being safe to look after his child then fine but what if by reporting this the op could save someone else from the difficult two decades that he has experienced?

Because the offender was 9 years old. The law does not hold 9 year olds responsible for things like this.

If there was to be successful intervention it should have been done then. And for all anyone knows there has been intervention fine then, for all we know this boy was repeating something that was being done to him.

For all we know an investigation will open up old wounds and triggers.

urasurvivor

Hi OP,

this time two years ago, I was where you are now. Twenty years ago, I had been abused by a family member. I luckily at the age of 9, told my parents after the second time it happened, thus preventing it happening again. It split my family - there are a whole side of the family that we no longer speak to, because they refused to believe that my cousin would have done anything.

As a child, you can't rationalise what's happening. But you know that something is wrong. Although for me, it was dealt with at the time, it doesn't prevent the fallout. Like you, I have experienced intimacy issues - both emotional and physical, all my life, without being able to point a finger at what was wrong. I knew what happened wasn't my fault. My family told me never to discuss it with anyone but them. That was in one way the right thing to do. But the notion or feeling of this big secret always being there and hushed away. . . a child can't understand or deal, and it will surface later. It manifests more often than not in difficulty trusting - other people, but mostly trusting yourself.

OP, you are brave to have come here, and I applaud you. This is the first and best step you can take for you. There have been negative comments on this thread downplaying what has happened to you. I would like to say to those people - if you have nothing constructive to say, then don't say anything at all. Never ever downplay sexual abuse of any kind. Never ever underestimate the life changing impact it can have on a person. This downplaying of such events is exactly what allows the stigma of abuse to continue. It further isolates and victimizes a person who has already been isolated and victimized all their life. You are of no help, so say nothing.

OP - it is important now that you have the right support systems in place. Talk to someone you trust. Your girlfriend sounds like a good person to open up to. Ask her not to bring up the subject with you - if it comes up at an unexpected time, it can act as a trigger for you. Ask her perhaps that she only discuss it with you when you are able - that way, you won't talk about something you are not ready to talk about. Go to your GP and ask to be referred to a counselor that specialises in this area. It will get worse before it gets better. You have carried this as a burden for years. but I can tell you once you start to talk, you won't regret it. It is extremely emotionally draining to let go of all that weight, but your life will start to improve in ways you could never imagine. Allow yourself that, because you deserve it. Don't be afraid, please.

No one will judge you, you were a child when this happened. The right people, who you can trust, will only show compassion and care towards you. Start out slowly and you will be ok. As for whether or not the Gardai get involved - start with a counselor first. You need to look after yourself here, so that if at any point Gardai need to be involved, you have the correct support in place to help you deal with this. Don't run before you can walk. I wish you the best of luck. If I can come forward, so can you.

Keane2baMused

loalae wrote: »

Grooming is not necessarily adult/child it is more a case of there being a powerful/vulnerable dynamic in the relationship. The op considers himself to have been abused - other people saying here that was experinentation are being a bit arseholey I think. Particularly given that the op explicitly stated that he had been molested on a number of occasions after being groomed over a number of weeks. Did people miss that bit?

So what if reporting this to authorities stirs up a hornet's nest for the perpetrator? If the op reports it to the gardai (which he is well within his rights to) it would be investigated and charges could be brought against him. And then the gardai would make a referral to a child protection duty team who would conduct their own assessment.

I genuinely don't understand why others are suggesting that this shouldn't be reported further. If it is found that the perpetrator considered it to be experimentation and is assessed as being safe to look after his child then fine but what if by reporting this the op could save someone else from the difficult two decades that he has experienced?

I understand you are doing your best to try and help the OP here.

HOWEVER

If the other child involved was also 9 years old no charges can or will be brought against him. I'm sorry but your information is completely and utterly wrong.

OP I'm so sorry youve been going through this. Counselling could really help you. Possibly give the RCC a call they may be able to direct you to some suitable counsellers. Take care.

adub

Op you've done the right thing. I was raped at 14 and kept it a secret for 7 years until I just felt the sudden need to tell someone. I simply just couldn't keep it in anymore. Do what's right for you whether that's reporting him, telling your girlfriend or telling your parents. For me, telling my mam was the worst. I thought she'd be disappointed in me or maybe wouldn't believe me but it was exactly what I needed to do. I went to rape crisis counselling for about a year afterwards which helped and then general counselling for other issues for another 2 years. I still have physical intimacy issues and if I watch a programme or read a story about abuse ur all comes back to me but I live my everyday life without it being a weight on my shoulders, something that I couldn't do for 7 years. I do think you need to tell someone, just to get it off your chest at the very least. Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here,


Thank you everyone for all of the replies. I told my gf. I didn't plan to, it just kind of came out on an impulse (timing wise anyway) in the end. It wasn't a smooth or seemless thing, it was still very difficult to say out loud but I got there.

I have to say, the instant feeling of relief and weight off my shoulders was enormous.

She was a complete champ too. Listened to me. Didn't judge, or push for more information, just let me do it at my own pace, and so supportive, understanding and caring in how she responded from there. So it turns out it was a brilliant thing to tell her because now it has no power over my relationship.

I have no idea how things will go from here, I think we are both still processing it, me that it is actually finally out there, and her that it happened, but I took the first step and it is out there now. It's significance and hold on me seems to have hugely lessened, which is great.

Thank you all for the responses, both positive and negative. I really appreciate it.