Who's responsibility is this?

LegacyUser

My ex and I were only together few months and I got pregnant during those few months. I left him because he didn't treat me right.

We've been back and forth to court a few times re access but things have been going ok for past while. My daughter has recently found her voice and when she sees him on his weekly visit, she screams no. She will play with him but has to make sure I'm in the room. If he tries to lift her, she starts crying. If she's shouting no when he tried to play with her, i will tell her to stop and to play nice.

My ex is saying it's my fault she acts like this. It's my fault she doesn't know him. She does know him, but she doesn't realise the connection yet. I don't talk about him much. Or at all, to her.

Is it my responsibility to talk about him to her, since he does not live with us?

She's two and a half..

Another day

It is a joint responsibility. You need to let her know she is ok with him. Tell her to have fun! To enjoy his company. Even if it means greeting him warmly when you want to strangle him. Kids pick up on their parents feelings so hide them...

strandroad

It sounds strange that you are not talking to her about her father at all. You are effectively handing her over to a stranger, not surprising that she is frightened.

What kind of issues with access did you have that needed to be taken to court a number of times?

njs030

What's she like with other people op? Could she be going through a clingy phase?

She doesn't know him so it's understandable she's unsure, he will just have to take his time getting to know her.
You could make it easier by bringing him into conversation casually now and then, it would also mean as she gets older she will be more at ease talking to you about him if you can hide any animosity from her.

Celly Smunt

Is he not allowed see her because he didn't treat you right or because he doesn't treat your daughter right?

You have to make an assessment, a bad boyfriend doesn't make a bad father and distancing a daughter from her father is obviously going to create this situation, the child has no concept of mother AND father, just mother which technically would be your fault for not allowing access.

Now if he is not fit to be a father then yes you've done the right thing, if he is more than capable then you are in the wrong and should be increasing the frequency of visits.

LegacyUser

I am not handing her over as I sit in the room with her and him. She sees him every week and she knows who he is. If she is shouting or cries, I do tell her it's ok, that he's only playing. If she is saying no, I tell her to stop and be nice. I tell her to share, to give hugs, that its ok. I don't treat him coldly while he is in the room with her as I know she will pick up on it.

He stopped showing up and I brought him back to court for it.

njs030

I would suggest not forcing her. Let her play on her own with him in the room if she wants to, she shouldnt have to play with, or hug someone if shes not comfortable with it. I doubt a 2 and a half years old fully grasps what a daddy is!

I didn't know you could go to court to force someone to see their child. If he doesn't want to he will eventually stop visiting which would be more painful the older she gets.

Flippyfloppy

Completely uneducated opinion here, but this sounds like quite a forced 'relationship'

He wasn't interested, now there's a court order to make him see her. She says no and you tell her to stop & be nice. Who is this benefitting exactly? Does he even want to be around her? Her around him? I know why you want her to have a father, but maybe this could be revisited in a few years, when she understands more?

Celly Smunt

ophere wrote: »

I am not handing her over as I sit in the room with her and him. She sees him every week and she knows who he is. If she is shouting or cries, I do tell her it's ok, that he's only playing. If she is saying no, I tell her to stop and be nice. I tell her to share, to give hugs, that its ok. I don't treat him coldly while he is in the room with her as I know she will pick up on it.

He stopped showing up and I brought him back to court for it.

Well if he wasn't showing up when you gave the opportunity then I'd put the blame on him. Some fathers would kill to be able to see their children and when you hear of a father not being bothered it really annoys me. He can't waltz in and out of a child's life or even your own and expect to play daddy.

At this point the only thing you can do is give it time, don't restrict him and don't force her but if he doesn't show after a while cut your losses but dint close the door, somebody will most likely show up and be an actual father figure.

LegacyUser

He brought me to court originally for guardianship and access (he was already seeing her but his solicitor advised he go for the two together ) but then straight away afterwards he stopped coming because he had "no way to get over to the house." This went on for six months and I got a court summons to change access to every fortnight. he was showing up and after a while, we agreed to change 8t back to weekly. he has continuously showed up but at times, does be very late.

I don't force her to hug him or give him a kiss. When he is saying goodbye, she will go hug and kiss goodbye of her own accord. She does play with him as I said, but there are times when she just says no. But she is doing the same to me at the moment, it's her favourite word, like a lot of toddlers.

But he just blames me all the time, and I try to make the atmosphere less tense, because as she's growing older, she's recognising emotions more, and I want her to be at ease. I am trying my best. It's hard sometimes to put my feelings towards him hidden away, and that's why I don't talk about him much. But I've never once denied him access or said he couldn't see her.