Teenage son

LegacyUser

Our son is 16. He is a great kid. But he finds it hard to control his emotions. His heart is in the right place and we always knew from a young age he had a great sense of right from wrong . He would stick up for anyone that was being bullied or anything like that. Also we suspected from a young age he was gay.

Recently we found cigarettes in his room, we challenged him about it and he said he was minding them for his friends. But we took him for his word but knew deep down he was lying. The other day my wife caught him in his room smoking and he got a shock at being caught, the big shocker for us was he told us that smoking stops his from self harming himself, he has been cutting himself on his legs. He says he feels empty in his stomach. I feel sick even typing this. As he was telling us this he came out to us. As I said we sort of knew he was gay but like most parents that sort of know , we put it to the backs of our heads and said he might not be.

Once he told us about self harm my wife brought him down to GP and we have an appointment for pieta house. He wanted to go to GP which was a good thing. He does seem better that he has got this off his chest. I just find it hard at moment because we are going around house as if nothing has happened . We have talked about it. I don't know I feel like I'm on automatic pilot. I really don't know what to think, we as parents feel like we have failed him in some way and he said he feels like he doesn't want to let us down...

Last year he sort of had a melt down and we got him counseling , we put this down to the junior cert and the pressures of it all... He went for 7/8 sessions and afterwards he was much better and told us that he was in a better place... I know I'm rambling....

There is mental problems on my wife's side as her mother is bi-polar. Anyone else had problems like this?

Sound Bite

I can't relate your experience & have no kids but just want to highlight the positives in the situation as you may not be able to seem them give it's a difficult time.

You both sound like wonderful parents.
You appear to know your son pretty well.
It appears you have a good relationship with him, confirmed but the fact he opened up to you both. Many teenagers can't communicate with their parents like that.
He's smart enough to ask for help rather than bottling it up.
You've supported him in the past when he needed.
He reacted well to the counselling previously and is willing to work at it again.

Teenage years are difficult & despite all of the positive change recently, being gay is still not easy. Sexuality is complex & more difficult for a teenager only being to get to know themselves.

Yes it's worrying but with your support & his openness & the counselling, I'm sure ye will get through this together. Best of luck.

pew

I don't have kids but bear with me.

You both sound like wonderful parents. From reading your post, you seem to be caring and supportive parents. You seem very open and welcoming.

It is fantastic he is responding well to the counselling.

From my own experience, I battled with self harm, my sexuality and depression in my teenage years. I'm now mid 20s I still struggle with depression and my sexuality. However I don't have the support from my parents. I come from a family where you have to happy all the time.

I honestly wish my parents were like you and your wife when I was a teenager.

Your love and support will be more help than you can ever imagine. Encourage him to open more but don't push him.

I wish you all the best to you and your son through this time.

Rubberchikken

you're doing all the right things, so i think, with time and support, your son can overcome any issues he is struggling with.
don't beat yourselves up over any of this. you haven't failed him. in fact you're both being the sort of parents a lot of kids will never have.

get him all the support he needs/wants and be there with him. good luck

Ten of Swords

It sounds like you are keeping an open mind and trying to do everything you can.

Re his sexuality, do you know if he has come out to any friends or even to his best friend (if he has one)? If not then you are the only people that know and it is important that you are there for him and available for him to talk through his feelings and emotions. It can be a lonely and confusing time.

There is currently thread on the LGBT forum at the moment that shows how not to go about this!

My parents think its "just a phase"

There is also a support network for the parents of gay/bi teens called LOOK (loving our out kids)

http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies and support. He has told us that all of his friends know, in fact I think all of his friends parents know. I suppose we knew but never had the courage to ask him until that morning.

I'm still at that stage " it's a phase" but haven't said that to him nor will I. I suppose it's just a dad thing to think, it's very hard for me at the moment.

The most important thing really is not the gay thing but just to get him right in his head and his feelings and not to be cutting himself. At the end of the day we love him and don't want him to be harming himself for whatever reason. Life is hard enough as it is...

mattP

Parents wrote:

The most important thing really is not the gay thing but just to get him right in his head and his feelings and not to be cutting himself. At the end of the day we love him and don't want him to be harming himself for whatever reason. Life is hard enough as it is...

You have perspective at least, which is great! If you have any questions for him about any possible previous boyfriends or whatever ask them, after I came out it was the huge elephant in the room which made matters worse :c It'll also make him feel great knowing you're trying to accept it, I know its hard on you but it sounds like you know exactly what you're doing already

Parents wrote:

I'm still at that stage " it's a phase" but haven't said that to him nor will I. I suppose it's just a dad thing to think, it's very hard for me at the moment.

My parents went to a counselling session after I came out to them, and it has really really helped them come to terms with it and cope. Id definitely recommend it, my dad wasn't right for days, after the session I noticed him starting to be more himself again
I hope all goes well for him, he definitely has a great father on his side at least

Witchie

I just want to give you a virtual hug because you are being such a great parent and that is exactly what your son needs right now. I am so glad that you and your wife are being his heroes at the moment, he needs you in his corner.

I have a family member having a very hard time mentally at the moment and it has almost destroyed our family, mainly because we are all hurting so much and worrying all the time so I can relate to how you are feeling and want to say that you need to give yourself and your wife some time to feel and come to terms with it too. Just know that with support, love and the help of counselling, you will get through this as a family and your son will realise how lucky he is to have such amazing parents.

LegacyUser

We went to Pieta house and they couldn't have been more helpful. In fact they were excellent in every aspect. Its the first step and I think its been a huge help to my son and us as a family. The relief I think it brought to him was huge. We also took up the offer of counselling for my wife and I that Pieta run with cases like this.

Many thanks to all for your support.