Depression, maybe Bipolar

m2015

I'm not sure if this is in the right place sorry if it's not

For the last weeks I've been getting treatment for depression from my GP. I've been very low. Wanting to be alone and not have anyone around me because even listening to someone talk was a huge effort, but then at the same time feeling miserable because I'm so lonely. I've had suicidal thoughts but never acted on them. I would lie in my room curled up in a ball thinking about it constantly. My family were worried sick which just makes me feel even worse - I hate being a burden. The thing that kept me from doing anything was my little girl. I couldn't inflict that kind of pain on her - I feel guilty that I would be so selfish to even consider causing her that kind of damage. I've had bouts of depression over the years but this is the worst I've been and the first time I've gotten medical treatment for it.

My doctor prescribed me Sertraline. I started on 50mg but it didn't seem to have any effect so after a couple of weeks it was increased to 100.

Then last week things changed. I have more energy and function better. My family thought I had improved but on the inside I'm not normal for me. I've been agitated and short tempered. I have too many thoughts. I go from one thought to another and I'm so distracted I get mixed up and forget what I'm doing, even just doing simple things. When I was in the really bad depression I couldn't sleep but I was exhausted and had no energy. Now I don't sleep because my thoughts race, but I'm not really tired.

I've been in a relationship for a couple of months. It was going really well, we were talking about a future. He knows about my depression and he said he would be there for me that he wasn't going anywhere. But then he changed his mind and said he didn't know if he wanted to be in a relationship. Then for about three weeks he kept changing, wanting to be together and then not knowing if he wanted it. One night I thought he was ending it altogether but a few days later he decided that he did want to be with me. Last weekend for two days he just ignored me completely so I met up with someone I know just to have sex. I'm disgusted with myself that I did. I've never cheated on anyone. I normally don't have casual sex full stop. At the last minute something happened and we didn't go through with it but almost did and I despise myself for it. But my boyfriend contacted me the following day and said he really did want to be with me. I didn't tell him what I did.

While this is out of character for me normally, I have behaved like this a couple of times in the last year. In April I was working on a big project for college. I stayed up two nights in a row and got a couple of weeks work done in two nights. I got no sleep but didn't really feel tired. Around the same time I met up with a few men I barely knew - three different people in the space of a few weeks (this was before I was in a relationship). When I think about that now I feel disgusted. I hate the person I feel I'm becoming. I've got into financial problems because I've spent money recklessly. I feel like I'm living a double life. My friends and family have no idea the kind of person I am really. I think they would hate me if they knew.

I told my doctor about what happened last weekend but not about April. She said it could be that the medication has given me energy but because of the unresolved issues I have (raped over ten years ago and some childhood sexual abuse over thirty years ago) the problem is only being tackled from one angle and the agitation and anger is another side of my depression. She changed me to venlafaxine, and also referred me to a psychiatric service because of the possibility that I could be bipolar.

I keep thinking that I'm probably not bipolar that I'm just a nasty selfish person. Does anyone have any experience with diagnosis for Bipolar that can tell me what to expect with the psychiatrist and afterwards what they'll do if I do have it. If I do have it can I ever be the person I was before.

zoobizoo

Don' think people are allowed to diagnose on here OP.

I know someone who has bipolar.

When he is having an episode, his psychiatrist will prescribe him anti psychotic meds and also ones that help him sleep

m2015

Thanks. I should probably have said I'm not looking for medical advice or diagnosis. I'll have to wait to see the psychiatrist for that however long that takes. I'm not sure what I'm looking for. The thoughts of going to a psychiatrist and telling them all this makes me feel sick to my stomach I know they're professional and not supposed to judge.

Faith

This must be a very difficult time for you, OP. All I can say is I work with a mental health team, and psychiatrists (and anyone else you'd see in the field) only want you to be well. There is no judgement. Even if a patient does truly bizarre, or aggressive, or dangerous things, it's only met with empathy and caring.

Also, from reading your post, nothing you've written strikes me as anything that would be judged. To a psychiatrist, the behaviours you're describing would be things they hear about daily.

Please try not to be afraid of judgment. Getting the help you need is the most important thing right now.

zoobizoo

m2015 wrote: »

I'll have to wait to see the psychiatrist for that however long that takes.

The thoughts of going to a psychiatrist and telling them all this makes me feel sick to my stomach I know they're professional and not supposed to judge.

Can you go private and speed up the process which would put your mind at ease?

Secondly, I've dealt with the professionals before and there has never been any judgement.

m2015

zoobizoo wrote: »

Can you go private and speed up the process which would put your mind at ease?

No unfortunately I couldn't afford it at the moment. I've no job and I'm up to my neck in debt from college fees and my own stupidity. Only I live at home I think I'd be out on the street. I'm basically living off my parents the last few months which is a terrible thing to be doing at my age.

zoobizoo

Don't beat yourself up about it...

Maybe talk to your GP and see if you can get the process sped up.

Merkin

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think you may get better and more focussed advice over in the Long Term Illness forum, there is a really excellent thread there on living with depression. Would you like me to move it for you?

m2015

Yes, thanks.

m2015

Things have gone from bad to worse recently. Last week I took a huge overdose, but after taking it I got cold feet and told my family. All hell broke loose and they started shouting, calling me names and telling me what a selfish b**** I was. The commotion woke my daughter who became hysterical. Since I've gotten out of hospital though they've been really supportive but I think their patience is wearing a bit thin because I'm as low as I've ever been, isolating myself, not able to really do anything. It has taken me hours to build up just to turn on the computer and type this.

When I was in hospital my boyfriend texted me and I told him what was going on. That was over a week ago. I still haven't seen him. He hasn't been to see me although I have asked him. He is still doing the 'I don't know what I want' thing yet when I tell him to just break up with me if that's what he wants he says he doesn't want to and he wants us to be together. He ignores my texts but when I don't answer his straight away he gets moody and asks if I'm ignoring him and says I'm dumping him and 'thanks for hurting me'.

After I got out of hospital I had another day when things got really bad and I ended up driving down the harbour and was going to drive off. He was wrecking my head with texts about me dumping him at the time and I told him where I was and what I was doing. He sent me a couple of texts saying not to that he needed me and that was about it. In the end I couldn't do it. I kept seeing the hurt look on my daughter's face when I took the overdose. I can't do that to her again. I don't want to cause her that kind of pain. I hate myself for what I've done to her already. I think I'll need to get her some sort of counselling to help her deal with it. I just hope that someday she can forgive me.

I was in Pieta House last week after everything. They said they should have an appointment for me in the next week or so. Does anyone have experience with them? I've heard good things about them and the person doing the assessment seemed really good. I just want to get better - is that even possible? Has anyone ever been this low and managed to come back and live even a half normal life?

etymon

Psychiatrists don't judge... they see it all the time, trust me. Hopefully you begin to feel better soon. It sounds like you are really down at the minute and having quite negative thoughts about yourself which must be really distressing.
One thing that strikes me is that with BPAD people in their high or irritable period tend not to think their behaviour is a problem whereas you clearly think differently. Also, I wonder is the pattern of behaviour you describe above a feature since your teenage years or if it's strikingly new. It may be a personality issue rather than mental illness and the treatment for both is different. All these things are important when it comes to diagnosis which (quite correctly) cannot be done online. What I am trying to say is, don't go into the psychiatrist with a diagnosis in mind and don't expect to be given one after your first meeting.
Best of luck and don't be nervous, it will be like going to the GP only with a lot more time to get through everything.

m4ggie77

hi I'm the OP.
I have been getting counselling with Pieta House.I've found it difficult but my therapist has been lovely and hasn't judged me only been sympathetic although I haven't opened up about the worst parts of me. I confided in her that I was sexually abused by a family friend as a child and raped by my boyfriend (my daughters father) when I was in my twenties. I suppose that it didn't help that my first time with him was my first time. She was very sympathetic but said that they don't go into personal history because they don't open up things they don't have the capacity to deal with because it's only a short term thing - they don't want you leaving more traumatised than you were when you went in - so I suppose I'll have to park the abuse/rape issues till I have longer term counselling sorted. Actually while I was talking to her about it she had to tell me to come back to the room and tell me that I wasn't back there where it was happening if that makes sense. I'm still very down and she says it seems that my daughter is the only reason I'm still here that she grounds me. She asked me when I think I'll be able to live for me but to be honest I don't ever see that happening.

etymon wrote: »

One thing that strikes me is that with BPAD people in their high or irritable period tend not to think their behaviour is a problem whereas you clearly think differently. Also, I wonder is the pattern of behaviour you describe above a feature since your teenage years or if it's strikingly new.

At the time I was fine with it it's only looking back on it I feel sick. I've stayed away from men since my relationship with my daughters father ended it's only in the last year I've felt I've lost control of myself. I've had ups and downs though since I was about 16. Going from being happy and delighted to be alive and enthusiastic to being misersble, isolating myself - not wanting to be around anyone and constantly thinking about dying which I thought was normal at the time. I thought everyone thought about killing themselves when they felt low. I don't know. There's bipolar disorder in my family on my mother's side but the way I am doesn't seem the same as them. Plus its only two of my cousins not immediate family and I've never gone completely off the rails in the ways they have. I'll just have to wait and see I suppose.