Need advice

LegacyUser

I moved to England just over a year ago for work. I had been unemployed for over a year. I have a fairly demanding job both time wise and emotionally. My colleagues are fantastic except my manager who is really awful and I do not get enough guidance from her. This has resulted in me making some mistakes in the job which has had an impact on other people's lives. I have spoken to my manager on numerous occasions in supervision about the type of guidance I need and she has continued to give me the bare minimum - enough that I cannot make a complaint but not enough to ensure that I am supported to do a good job for the vulnerable people I work with. My only comfort is that my colleague are saying the same thing and are also contemplating finding a new job. I have spoken to a senior manager about this and she has said that she is aware of the lack of support from my manager and that it has been happening for a long time.

I'm feeling very vulnerable because I started this job as a newly qualified, I trained in Ireland so I had to re-learn the relevant legislation and procedures for my role and I feel that I am not at a point where I should be after a year despite working about 50-60 hours a week. There are certain aspects of the role that I know I am fantastic at and I really love my job but I spend so long completing tasks because I cannot rely on my manager's input and when I make mistakes based on a lack of guidance I cannot rely on her to back me up. She is known to change case notes to reflect more positively on her and her decision making. She rarely reads my reports and I have to complete a portfolio as a newly qualified and she is my assessor. This adds another layer to why I need to keep on the right side of her and cannot push her too hard to give me the guidance I know I need. I am incredibly stressed about my career at the moment and it is affecting how I work with people.

This is affecting my personal life as well. I don't really have any friends here. I did have a boyfriend but I broke up with him in March. The reason for this was that I found him very needy and I did not have the time or energy to pay him the kind of attention he wanted. I go salsa dancing 3 times the week and I talk to people there. My problem is that because focus so much of my energy at being good at my job I don't have the head space for focus on other people outside work. When I was going out with my ex he used to tell me that I was selfish for needing time to myself to get over the day and saying that I will never be able to be with anyone else if I don't want to spend a lot of time with them. At the moment I'm quite happy with being single but I am really worried that he is right and that I am too selfish to be involved with anyone ever.

I don't seem to be able to balance work and dating and the second anyone seems to need more from me I back away from them. I'm worried that this will always be the case and that I'll be alone forever. I'm 30 now and I'm kind of worried that if I don't get involved with someone soon that I'll miss out on the chance of having children.

loalae

Woah that's a huge leap from not being compatible with one person to thinking you'll never have children! Perhaps when you meet someone you feel is worth the time and energy you'll be more open to them and won't back away from them when they want more from you.

But your job sounds intense and working 50- 60 hours a week is crazy. Is there a possibility that you could find a similar role elsewhere?

athtrasna

Your work life balance should be a focus, not specifically dating. Fixation on dating is a negative, it's good that you're dancing and have a hobby, enjoy this. Make time for you and in time someone may come into your life. Relax about this, 30 is young.

Ursus Horribilis

You're a year in that job of yours now and it's enough. My advice to you would be to start looking for another job asap. Don't worry about your love life or lack of for now. You're in a job that's burning you out and for what? You're not going to get any thanks for it. It's only a job at the end of the day. I think that if you get another job that isn't consuming you in the way this one is, you'll be in a far better place emotionally. As things stand, it's impinging on your life outside of work and that shouldn't be the case.

You are also putting a lot of pressure on yourself I feel. If you start imposing deadlines on yourself regarding meeting a life partner and having kids, you're running the risk of hooking up with someone unsuitable. Slow down, stop putting pressure on yourself. Learn to enjoy life. But first, get yourself out of that job you're in.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.

I am contracted to remain 3 years or else I have to pay back my relocation package which is in the region of £2000. My first year of employment is assessed and I'm not able to transfer to a different team until my portfolio has been submitted and I pass the year. My deadline for this is the end of November so I will be looking for a new role on a different team then.

I know my work/life balance is all over the place but I keep going over in my head what my ex said and beating myself up over being too selfish to not want to spend a lot of time with him. There is also a guy at salsa dancing who keeps telling me he likes me and I do like him as well but I don't want to get involved with him because I don't want to bed up in a situation like I was with my ex where I was stressed at work, then I was getting hassle from him for wanting to spend time by myself and then not knowing how to tell him to back off. I'm also aware that I could be playing with other people's feelings when I know I'm not really available for anything except a friendship.

loalae

Why don't you tell the guy at salsa that for now you're just looking to be friends?