Shouldwemovefromhisfamily

LegacyUser

Hi ,
Regular poster but going anomynous. I moved to my boyfriends home town over 5 years ago. His sister was never welcoming. His mother was and made an effort. A couple of years ago I had out with his sister as she was rude, made up lies and asked her if there was something I did wrong , in an effort to improve things. Things got worse with his mother tho as my partner stood up for me against his sister . Anyway to make a long story short, since then things have somewhat improved with his sister but are worse with his mother.
His mother never calls him , we have to do all the calling. She would never ring him. I have rang her numerous occasions since x mas as she has never returned my calls.
He / my partner has called to her numerous times asking her what is wrong and she says nothing "Im busy". She passes our house every eve to call to his sister and never bother s to call or ring us.
I am sick of it. I feel like I am purposely being ignored. It is worse than bullying . I wish they could give out to me or something instead of just ignoring me and telling me there busy.
Now the reason I am writing here is to ask should we move. Things are never going to improve there , and even if there is nothing wrong and they do like me , they obviously are never going to support us. I hope to start a family soon and dread the thought of having no support.
We both are working in this area and rent a house. We have money to buy a house where I am from but there is little work there. I think we should just start a new and buy a house and look for jobs and make a fresh start near my family who care about us.
Would it be crazy to leave two jobs in a recession and start from scratch. NO point in talking to his mother about this because she doesn't care and she is apparently very busy with her other children. Also his sister or other family never bother with us either..

Exclamation Marc

Clearly it sounds like the boat has sailed with the family. You seem to be trying your best and getting nothing in return, so don't bother wasting your time with them.

If you can both get secure jobs further away where you'd be happy to live away from the family, then go for it. Life will be so much easier without the family passing you by and constantly being on your mind. Forget about his family, you both have done your best with nothing in return.

Don't go down the road of buying a house, moving further afield and starting from scratch unless you have a secure job though. You might get away from the family, but you need to be secure.

LegacyUser

Manufactured Miracle wrote: »

Clearly it sounds like the boat has sailed with the family. You seem to be trying your best and getting nothing in return, so don't bother wasting your time with them.

If you can both get secure jobs further away where you'd be happy to live away from the family, then go for it. Life will be so much easier without the family passing you by and constantly being on your mind. Forget about his family, you both have done your best with nothing in return.

Don't go down the road of buying a house, moving further afield and starting from scratch unless you have a secure job though. You might get away from the family, but you need to be secure.

Thank you very much for the reply. Yes it seems the ship has sailed and I am only fooling myself imagining things will get better. Now I am fighting with my partner because I told him I ve had enough and he said he doesn't know if he can leave his job. I ve suggested moving before and then I think ok it be stupid to leave two jobs .. I can handle etc.. but I am only fooling myself.. I cant handle it... and it ll never get better, there are things I like about where we are living but the lack of support I feel will be a big problem in the future .. when we start a family... I am seriously out this time and he is hesitating .. I think if he loves me he should say ok .. well make it work and sort it out.. instead he saying he is afraid to leave his job.. is he being realistic or just fobbing me off?

Mayboy

You are doing everything they want you to do and giving them exactly what they want. Smile, wave and move on, literally. Why waste your life with them?

LegacyUser

Mayboy wrote: »

You are doing everything they want you to do and giving them exactly what they want. Smile, wave and move on, literally. Why waste your life with them?

Do you mean move to my hometown? .. I don't know why they would get something from upsetting us... I don't understand why this is happening.. I didn't do any thing wrong.. it just boggles me.. I ve been good to them and any time anyone is sick I help out etc.. I just don't get it.. it makes me so sad..

njs030

Why don't you try making friends and building your own circle rather than relying on his family? Sadly you can't make people like you so just forget it and move on.
People manage to have children without being close to family, also attitudes change when children come along so the future could be different.

strandroad

shouldwemovefromhisfamily wrote: »

Thank you very much for the reply. Yes it seems the ship has sailed and I am only fooling myself imagining things will get better. Now I am fighting with my partner because I told him I ve had enough and he said he doesn't know if he can leave his job. I ve suggested moving before and then I think ok it be stupid to leave two jobs .. I can handle etc.. but I am only fooling myself.. I cant handle it... and it ll never get better, there are things I like about where we are living but the lack of support I feel will be a big problem in the future .. when we start a family... I am seriously out this time and he is hesitating .. I think if he loves me he should say ok .. well make it work and sort it out.. instead he saying he is afraid to leave his job.. is he being realistic or just fobbing me off?

You need a plan, you can't just both leave your jobs so he's right about that. Start looking and move when one of you gets something, perhaps you can stay with your family for a little while if you need to?

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

Why don't you try making friends and building your own circle rather than relying on his family? Sadly you can't make people like you so just forget it and move on.
People manage to have children without being close to family, also attitudes change when children come along so the future could be different.

because its upsetting living so close to them.. I do think if we have children being near some family is important.. I have made a couple of friends but wouldn't get to seem that regularly.. get on ok in work etc.. even though im not using my degree.. I cant stay near them anymore.. I ve had enough.. ! its horrible bumping into them on the street and having small talk.. babbly out of awkwardness or politeness. not playing the game anymore... and playing along in front of people.. im just going to start ignoring them too.....

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

You need a plan, you can't just both leave your jobs so he's right about that. Start looking and move when one of you gets something, perhaps you can stay with your family for a little while if you need to?

We have the money to buy a house... we never bought in his home town .. as I would get cold feet any time we looked.. I just know in my heart ill never settle there.. I like the thought of never seeing them again actually and just moving on... the thing is we ll have a house but no jobs.. he has a good job but he does not have a degree so starting off somewhere else will be tough.. I have 3 degrees and work in my area is tough to get... in his hometown .. we have jobs but cant buy a house.. catch 22..

Exclamation Marc

shouldwemovefromhisfamily wrote: »

I think if he loves me he should say ok .. well make it work and sort it out.. instead he saying he is afraid to leave his job.. is he being realistic or just fobbing me off?

I think the unfortunate reality of things these days is that without having a job lined up, there is a real risk of finding yourself down a worse road than you envisage. All the good intentions and positivity unfortunately won't pay the bills.

Maybe start looking at areas where it's viable to move to where there are jobs available, line up some interviews and see what comes of it.

The last thing you want to do is move away, leave your jobs and not find suitable jobs or any jobs at all. If you move away and can't find anything, social welfare won't help you as you voluntarily left your jobs and your husbands family clearly wont help, so you really need to know where you're going before you commit.

freshpopcorn

Why not move to a nearby town/village. So you can drive to work every day. I wouldn't recommend moving without ye both having jobs.
You don't need to be in contact with somebody just because you live near them.

CaraMay

I think you are being quite previous. You expect his family to help you when you have kids well tbh that rarely happens in most cases I know of. I think you are creating a rift between him and his family and it would be crazy to leave 2 jobs to move just because you might have kids. Step away from him family and let them see them if they want and just get on with your life

LegacyUser

Shouldwemovefromfamily- wrote: »

... they obviously are never going to support us. I hope to start a family soon and dread the thought of having no support.
We both are working in this area and rent a house. We have money to buy a house where I am from but there is little work there. I think we should just start a new and buy a house and look for jobs and make a fresh start near my family who care about us.
Would it be crazy to leave two jobs in a recession and start from scratch. NO point in talking to his mother about this because she doesn't care and she is apparently very busy with her other children. Also his sister or other family never bother with us either..

His sister doesn't have to like you. His family don't have to support you. You are your own family unit. You can't make people like you - if they don't like you, well they just don't like you. That doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong. They just don't seem to want to be involved with you - and they're allowed to feel that way. I think you are clinging to some notion that you have to fix why they don't want to be involved with you, and you're probably just making the situation worse - especially by getting your husband to fight your battles.

I think it would be absolutely mad to move to an area where you know that you'll find it hard to get jobs. And worse than that, for both of you to give up jobs to do so. It's just not practical or realistic, and I think your husband is right to object, and that you might be engaging in emotional blackmail in trying to make him do so. Honestly, talk about frying pan & fire!

Why would you move near your family anyway, why not move somewhere that you can both get jobs? It just sounds like you're overly reliant on family, do you not want to just live your own life with your husband? And I'm not sure what support you want if you have kids, but it would be very unfair if you're expecting readymade family babysitters and household helpers.

Are you happy in your marriage? Why don't you just do what is best for you and your husband? Why do family have to figure in your decision about where you live or jobs?

Oryx

If you move and he doesnt get work or doesn't like it he will resent you for making him move. I don't think it is the answer anyway. His family still won't like you. That problem won't go away. The issue is yours to deal with, your fella seems not to be as bothered by it. Sometimes people dont like us. We may never know why but seemingly you cant change it. You need to learn that his family are not part of your life. Their proximity or lack of it wont change that fact. Moving would add more stress just when you dont want it. And mum in law still won't phone.

And as for expecting them to help with your kids? Never expect that. Even the best families shouldnt expect to rely on each other like that. Your kids are going to be yours to raise, not anyone else's. People get sick, or busy, or too old to mind kids. Or just dont want to! And you have to accept that or you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

bee06

Looking at the practical side I can see why he doesn't want to move without a job lined up. If you want to buy a house then you need to have 2 years of continuous employment so you'd be putting that at risk by just moving without jobs. You need to put a plan in place to move rather than just making a snap decision and putting yourselves in a difficult financial position.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for all the replies, I get the idea that it seems that I want a babysitter lined up. I don't because I wouldn't even do that to my own family. Its about having a support network. Some one to call for tea , some one to ring, they don't even ring my partner. He was in hospital for a night a few weeks ago and they don't even know! My parents know and his parents don't. It just bugs me that I am missing out on being near my family who support us and call us all the time for people that live down the road that don't care less about us.. that is all. I ve tried telling myself that I can focus on other things and hobbies etc and don't need that, but the truth is I do need a network. Someone to ring and say how are ye? instead of I m busy etc.
That is all. I have made up my mind, I am moving, not today or tomorrow and our relationship is not going to work there. I know that. I understand he cant walk away from a job but life is too short to be ignored and isolated by people living close by. I have made an effort and being there when they needed me but no one cares that we might need a little emotional support sometimes.
I rang one night because one of their family members was ill (not my partner) and no one even called me back. It could have been me or my partner that something had happened to and no one would care.. Its these little things I find very hurtful.. its nothing to do with babysitters as I said I would nt even do that to my own family.

Penny Tration

You say you just want someone to be able to call and chat. Why do you need to live near your parents to call them for a chat?!

Instead of saying 'that's it, I'm moving,' you should be discussing it further with your partner. Surely he should be allowed some input too?

And yes, he'd be absolutely crazy to leave a job for no good reason.

CaraMay

Why does your support network have yo be his family? Can you not make friends on the area and build your own little family. Tbh you are being very demanding and needy op. Work at building your own life rather than expecting to slot into others and then be pd off when they don't jump at your plan.

LegacyUser

Hi Thanks for all the replies. No im not needy I have my own interests and hobbies, but I don't understand a mother that doesn't ring her son or have any interests in his life or care about his well being. My parents are elderly and I am missing out on the last years of their lives i.e being close by for his family that ignore us and don't care. I am not not needy but I a have basic expections not to be ignored by my partners family as if I don't exist.

freshpopcorn

Going by your posts you do sound a bit needy and demanding.
Moving away isn't going to solve ye're problems. In fact it's only going to make ye more isolated.
Some people just aren't that close and you've to accept this. Moving away isn't going to solve this. In fact it will probably make it even worse.

strandroad

shouldwemovefromhisfamily wrote: »

Hi Thanks for all the replies. No im not needy I have my own interests and hobbies, but I don't understand a mother that doesn't ring her son or have any interests in his life or care about his well being. My parents are elderly and I am missing out on the last years of their lives i.e being close by for his family that ignore us and don't care. I am not not needy but I a have basic expections not to be ignored by my partners family as if I don't exist.

TBH insisting on moving without having jobs lined up only because his family is not a close knit one sounds very demanding. You are at risk of alienating your partner if you continue down this road. You need to time and plan it well and have your back covered or you'll blow the house money and will be only more miserable.
Does he even want to move or is this idea all yours?

iguana

I think some people are being very hard on you OP. Wanting to be connected to a close extended family is actually completely normal (and the evolutionary norm for our species) and the break down of those close family groups is a major cause of a rise in issues like PND and other forms of anxiety and depression in both parents and children. The ideal ratio of care for a child is to have 3 main adult caregivers who provide emotional support for the child. I never thought Id live near my family but when my son was 3 months old we made a temporary move back to where my family are from and the difference it has made to my life is enormous. My parents rarely babysit my son, maybe a couple of times a year but we see them most days. Go for walks together, go shopping together, eat meals together, just hang out. My husband travels for work and is home one night a week at most, I'm a stay at home mother who quite literally spends nearly every minute of every day with my son but I always have adult conversation and I find life so much less stressful and lonely than so many of my friends who have partners who they live with. Or more correctly, I don't find life at all lonely and stressful, I find everyday joyous in the extreme and more stimulating than I ever could have imagined life being. I do have lots of friends and I love them and love what they bring to my life but I know that living close to my family is a major factor in my happiness and more importantly in my son's.

But you do have to be completely realistic about what you want. When you say you can afford to buy a house in your home area, do you mean that you have the cash to buy it outright? If so, that makes things easier. If not and you need a mortgage then you might find that you can't actually afford a house after all. To get a mortgage you will need to have permanent jobs so if you move it will be quite some time before you can get a loan. Does your partner have a career that he is happy in? If he does you will have to both do your homework and see if there is anyway he can do a similar job in the region you want to move to. Do you want to keep working when you have children, do you want to be a stay at home parent or do you want to work part-time. You should think about that and see what is possible in your area. You might find that you can't find a job you'd be happy with, you might find there are no childcare options you'd be happy with, or no way to do both on a part-time basis that works for you. What about schooling? Are you happy with the schools in the area. If you would prefer your child not have a religious education, for example, is that even possible.

Another thing to do would be for you and your partner or just your partner to have a chat with his family and tell them you are considering leaving the area. Don't try to make them feel like it's their fault but maybe mention that now that you are getting to the point of wanting to have a family that you both would like your future children to be part of a closely involved extended family. The thought of future grand-babies on their doorstep could be a motivator for your mother in law to make a bigger effort with you both and you may find that your relationship improves.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

I think some people are being very hard on you OP. Wanting to be connected to a close extended family is actually completely normal (and the evolutionary norm for our species) and the break down of those close family groups is a major cause of a rise in issues like PND and other forms of anxiety and depression in both parents and children. The ideal ratio of care for a child is to have 3 main adult caregivers who provide emotional support for the child. I never thought Id live near my family but when my son was 3 months old we made a temporary move back to where my family are from and the difference it has made to my life is enormous. My parents rarely babysit my son, maybe a couple of times a year but we see them most days. <SNIP>

Thank you for your understanding response. Yes I do feel that knowing we have a support network will be a big comfort to us. I am not talking about upping and leaving now . I am talking about putting plans in place i.e to start looking for work now and see how it goes and stay where we are for the moment. Yes we have cash to buy a house in the area.. an average semi d before house prices rise. It would be nice to borrow some money to get a bigger house but it probably wouldn't be possible if we change jobs. He is only qualified in the job he is in and there are none of those industries nearby. He never went to college but he is a great worker and has never missed a day of work. It is likely that he wont have the same money but if we don't have a mortgage life will be easier and it will prob balance itself out. I am not worried about schools etc, I went to school there and I survived. There are plenty of options, its just all up in the air at the moment. I just feel life is too short. We can have hobbies and passtimes in my home town but have family. We cant have that where he is. We were going to move before because I was upset there before and we talked to his mother and she just said were crazy and it didn't make a difference , she doesn't care either way. I know if I stay there I ll regret missing out on the last years of my parents life and ill never get them back . It would be easier if we had some emotional support from his family to make it worth it but we don't and wont. It will be a big risk and I am worried for him as to whether he will settle , but he is the kinda happy once he is working. If he gets a job he is happy to move he has said that... thanks again for your response xxx

Another day

While I understand where you are coming from your posts have all been about how it is affecting you. Yes you mention anger on your other half's behalf but not that it affects him.

Sometimes when one lives away from their family they have this idea that if they move back that all will be rosy but actually they have their own lives and might not live up to what you imagine. So basically you want to throw away your jobs, security for a dream that may not materialise.

Your oh doesn't seem to hold the same view as you so you need to think about what you want and need for the future and work on that. You are asking him to give up a job he is happy in to keep you happy....maybe you need to step into his shoes for a while. Leave your job for uncertainty, keep your other half happy, buy where you can't afford to, and pray to God she is then happy...a lot to ask of anyone.

LegacyUser

Another day wrote: »

While I understand where you are coming from your posts have all been about how it is affecting you. Yes you mention anger on your other half's behalf but not that it affects him.

Sometimes when one lives away from their family they have this idea that if they move back that all will be rosy but actually they have their own lives and might not live up to what you imagine. So basically you want to throw away your jobs, security for a dream that may not materialise.

Your oh doesn't seem to hold the same view as you so you need to think about what you want and need for the future and work on that. You are asking him to give up a job he is happy in to keep you happy....maybe you need to step into his shoes for a while. Leave your job for uncertainty, keep your other half happy, buy where you can't afford to, and pray to God she is then happy...a lot to ask of anyone.

He is going to talk to his boss (they have a good relationship) and ask him would it be possible to take a year off and leave the door open. They are friends so it shouldn't be a problem to ask.! If he says no he says no. I cant stay there. I know things wont be rosy in the garden at home all the time.. but it wont be as lonely. I have given it nearly 5 years of my life now and I haven't settled and don't see a future there. If he doesn't want to go ill understand but I wont be staying.. It really is that bad. My mental health and well being is at stake here ! No one will even notice we are gone there ! Things are that bad !

CaraMay

Have you not made friends in 5 years? I really don't understand why his family are so important to you.

strandroad

CaraMay wrote: »

Have you not made friends in 5 years? I really don't understand why his family are so important to you.

I can understand why someone would value family network nearby, but to hang ALL of the aspects of their life on it feels like setting one up for a huge disappointment if the reality does not match the expectations.
OP it looks like you halted your social life completely while pining for family support, it's just not healthy. They do not owe you to be your only network, you might drive your own family away if you treat them with the same intensity you have for logging what his family does or doesn't do.

LegacyUser

mhge wrote: »

I can understand why someone would value family network nearby, but to hang ALL of the aspects of their life on it feels like setting one up for a huge disappointment if the reality does not match the expectations.
OP it looks like you halted your social life completely while pining for family support, it's just not healthy. They do not owe you to be your only network, you might drive your own family away if you treat them with the same intensity you have for logging what his family does or doesn't do.

Ok I don't think people are getting me here! I have my own social life, I have a good relationship with people in work and enjoy it etc. I am looking to start a family and realise that we will have no support network where we are. His family ignore us that is fine, I don't go running to them looking for attention, I don't ask for anything. My problem is that if I start a family I want to be near my family and my old friends, I don't want to stay in this place. It is a tiny village in the back hole of no where , people are clicky and don't like strangers ! Am I a bad person for wanting to be happy! I know I am not going to be living in anyones pockets if we move. But we will have someone to pick up the phone to , if needs be or family to call to. That is my issue. I am content to live there for the moment but not to start a family there ! I am isolated there basically, apart from a couple of friends and work! I have hobbies I go to , I enjoy them etc, I just want to move home ! shoot me !

freshpopcorn

So basically you want to leave ye're jobs and hobbies leaving behind what friends ye made over five years and you want to move back to an area that you haven't lived in for five years. I'd understand if your parents were young and would be supportive but going by your posts . You'd basically be looking after them too.
People also move on and might not be as supportive as you think.

strandroad

Shouldwemovefromhisfamily wrote: »

Ok I don't think people are getting me here! I have my own social life, I have a good relationship with people in work and enjoy it etc. I am looking to start a family and realise that we will have no support network where we are. His family ignore us that is fine, I don't go running to them looking for attention, I don't ask for anything. My problem is that if I start a family I want to be near my family and my old friends, I don't want to stay in this place. It is a tiny village in the back hole of no where , people are clicky and don't like strangers ! Am I a bad person for wanting to be happy! I know I am not going to be living in anyones pockets if we move. But we will have someone to pick up the phone to , if needs be or family to call to. That is my issue. I am content to live there for the moment but not to start a family there ! I am isolated there basically, apart from a couple of friends and work! I have hobbies I go to , I enjoy them etc, I just want to move home ! shoot me !

So you do have friends to spend time with, call on or chat? Because you were saying you've no one. You also seem to talk about needing someone for emotional support over and over, it just sounds so one sided and about your needs only.
You really should think it through with your husband a lot more, from what you're saying your hometown is not promising job/school wise and a bit of a hole and he would need to leave his work field there... a lot to consider. What if *he* ends up depressed?

LegacyUser

Would it not be better to have a job lined before quitting your present one ? I don't care what the news papers and government are saying about economic growth but jobs are hard to find these days. I can't believe your husband would be willing to quit his well paid job to join the dole queue. If he likes working and likes getting a wage it's going to be pretty depressing for him doing nothing. You both should have jobs lined up before you decide to up sticks and move.

Exclamation Marc

Tabs101 wrote: »

Would it not be better to have a job lined before quitting your present one ? I don't care what the news papers and government are saying about economic growth but jobs are hard to find these days. I can't believe your husband would be willing to quit his well paid job to join the dole queue. If he likes working and likes getting a wage it's going to be pretty depressing for him doing nothing. You both should have jobs lined up before you decide to up sticks and move.

If he quits his job, he'll also lose his automatic entitlement to full social welfare. There are people who would move to the back end of nowhere for a job these days they are so desperate. Leaving jobs to relocate with a vague hope of a job is economically suicidal.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks again for posts! Had a good think over the weekend and chat with family! My family that is! We are going to stay where we are for the moment he is going to do courses online! We will move in a year when we have jobs lined up! I don't think its crazy if its planned out! We are buying a house in my home town and won't have a mortgage! All we need are jobs and we won't move till they are sorted! Had a family function over whe weekend with his family and I was just ignored! Cant take it anymore! But I am accepting this is the way it is and being polite! I also don't mind if I have to look after my parents as someone suggested I would love being near them and helping them in their old age as they have always helped me! we will keep things polite with his family but move on with our own lives!