I need to put these feelings of hurt and anger behind me - quickly!

missrosetaylor

Hi,

I just wanted to write here as I can't seem to shake off these terrible feelings I'm experiencing. I'm 24 years old and lately I started seeing someone that I met on Plenty of Fish for two months. I was always a skeptic of people on online dating sites but then after not meeting anyone that I liked for a few years I thought that it was finally time to try something different. When I started to get to know him I found that it was the first time in about 3 years where I'd felt a bond with someone and that I could trust him.

At the beginning he scared me because he made it clear to me that he wanted a relationship. I'm not usually used of things moving that fast. But he seemed so sincere. He drew portraits of me and had plans of me meeting his family. Told me I was different to any girl he'd ever met. Texted me morning noon and night. So I decided to let my guard down and I slept with him last week. After the deed was done he left me in the room alone for hours to help some guy fix his car. He didn't speak to me for a few days after and when I asked him what was wrong (just once) he told me I was being needy. He text me again just this morning to tell me that he's in love with someone else and it was nice knowing me but that as soon as he'd slept with me he'd realized it was a mistake. I replied and told him I never wanted to see him or speak to him ever again after him leading me on like that. I also have a feeling that he was making up excuses about loving someone else. Not sure whether I over reacted or not.

I know it might seem like I'm being over dramatic but I can't seem to shake off these emotions..hurt, anger, emptiness etc. Angry with myself for being naive. And I need to focused now more than ever because my masters dissertation is due in 3 weeks and I'm already behind. I'm panicing a little
Does anyone have any advice as to how to overcome these emotions and get back on track? It could really help me.
Thanks.

giggle84

I'm several years older than you and I and lots of my girlfriends were single for much of our 20s. Im afraid it's a sad fact that every one of us has experienced this at least once.

Don't waste your precious time and energy trying to figure this guy out or what you did wrong, you did nothing wrong, he's just a jerk. There are lots of them out there, and equally there are lots of decent guys who don't treat girls like this. Do not give him one more minute of your time, he doesn't deserve it. Consider yourself lucky you saw his true colours now.

Go and read "He's just not that into you". I know, I know.. the movie. Well the book is not remotely similar to the movie and I wish someone had given it to me at 24, hell I think every girl should be handed this book when they turn 16!

Chin up OP, I promise these feelings will pass and in a couple of years you'll look back and struggle to remember this guy's name, trust me.

Whitewinged

I think the only thing you can do is accept the feelings of hurt and anger of which are all justified. Give yourself time.

You did nothing wrong here. You got mixed up with a fella who just doesn't know what he wants in life and is prepared to sacrifice your trust in order for him to find it.

If any posters give you the "he's just not that into" line- ignore it please. I hate that saying and i think it's used too much and implies you were not good enough.

I would take the approach and i think that this man is looking for something in you or another woman that he is missing in himself but you or no one else can fill that void in him. Only he can. He is probably too self centered to realise that and gets some sort of fix by getting women emotionally involved with him only to up and leave for no real reason. I would say he genuinely felt or thought that you would be the answer to all his inner problems (no one can be) and when he realised this isnt the case, he panics and runs.

I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from him again. If you do I would say definitely stay away.

just realise not all people are like this and don't let it ruin your ability trust people but try to keep your eye out for red flags. I know this is very hard because some people can be very deceiving (I think that's because they don't know why or what they are doing themselves half the time).

edit; giggles wasn't referring to your post when I talk about the "he's just not into you" saying! I haven't read the book. I just don't like the phrase because I think it can be perceived by the person as if they were just not good enough.

giggle84

Whitewinged wrote: »

edit; giggles wasn't referring to your post when I talk about the "he's just not into you" saying! I haven't read the book. I just don't like the phrase because I think it can be perceived by the person as if they were just not good enough.

No worries! I actually agree with you, I think some people may find the expression somewhat liberating but to others it can infer that you're not enough for him. The title of the book is pretty misleading, it's more of a conversation about guys and dating and what you should and shouldn't expect and/or put up with. I was 28 before I read it and it was an eye opener I'm telling you!

Sunflower 27

He's a cretin. Bombarded you with messages so you let your guard down. It's probably the only way he can get a woman to sleep with him. How sad.

Of course you are angry. You were duped after finally letting your guard diwn. He is an opportunist and thankfully you no longer have to deal with him.

Stick with the site would be my advice. Have a girlie night and bitch to your heart's content about it and then leave it in the past. He doesn't deserve this much headspace x

tinz18

Hi OP,
Don't let this experience let you be put off of POF. I met my boyfriend of nearly three years on it. Same as meeting someone on a night out, you're going to encounter the same amount of time-wasters, users and creeps. It's hard to weed out the bad ones but trust your gut when you feel like things are going too fast- your subconscious can often judge a bad guy before your heart and head can. However there are good guys on it too- I have four or five friends who met nice guys on POF. The key is to not beat yourself up if you fall for a bad one once in a while. Look at it as a learning experience, you will probably notice similar red flags to avoid guys like him in the future. Without failures you don't find out what you're looking for and what behaviours you will and won't accept.

You've every right to be really angry, my advice is talk to your friends/family and see if that helps.
If that doesn't work then try yoga/mindfulness mediation, it helps you release any tension and I'm guessing with your thesis due that you're pretty tense.
Finally if all else fails, I found counselling really helped as it gave me an outlet for all the anger and tears after my ex without me feeling like I was wearing the ear off her because that was what she was being paid for. The worst thing you can do is to bottle the anger.

Don't discount that what you're feeling could be a combination of feeling silly about being duped (which you shouldn't- the world would be a sad place if you didn't trust) and panic about your thesis and about what happens after. You could find when you've handed in, a lot of the stress and anger you feel dissipates. Stress has a terrible habit of heightening negative emotions.

missrosetaylor

I really want to say a huge thanks to everybody here for taking the time to read about my problem and give me solid advice as to how deal with this very disappointing situation which has come at me at such an awkward. It has meant a great deal and has helped me look at it for what it really is - just a bad experience that was not my fault but something that I can learn from all the same.

Thanks again honestly!

Hugs x

zeffabelli

He basically love bombed you, and you got caught in the riptide.

If you notice what you wrote, your intuition actually warned you about this.... Too much too soon.

So the good thing here is that your intuition is still guiding you right, but you chose to ignore it. Now you know you can trust yourself.

I'm sure you feel duped and tricked, but look again and you'll see that your compass is on track, just pay attention and get control of the reigns.

Brush the dust off your feet and keep going.

Lux23

This has happened to me so many times and I have no doubt it will happen to you again, so my advice is to just try and have fun until you meet the right person. You said something about letting your guard led to you sleeping with him? Why does sex have to be something you have to cling on to? Sleep with someone if you want to and enjoy it for what it is. At 24, I was 6 years away from meeting my partner and if someone told me that then I would have been horrified at the wait. But you know what? I am so glad I had my single years because I really appreciate the good man I have now, but I also appreciate what I had before.

Augme

missrosetaylor wrote: »

At the beginning he scared me because he made it clear to me that he wanted a relationship. I'm not usually used of things moving that fast. But he seemed so sincere. He drew portraits of me and had plans of me meeting his family. Told me I was different to any girl he'd ever met. Texted me morning noon and night.

Next time you meet someone who behaves like this, turn and quickly run far away from them.

Whitewinged

Lux23 wrote: »

This has happened to me so many times and I have no doubt it will happen to you again, so my advice is to just try and have fun until you meet the right person. You said something about letting your guard led to you sleeping with him? Why does sex have to be something you have to cling on to? Sleep with someone if you want to and enjoy it for what it is. At 24, I was 6 years away from meeting my partner and if someone told me that then I would have been horrified at the wait. But you know what? I am so glad I had my single years because I really appreciate the good man I have now, but I also appreciate what I had before.

I didn't take op talking about letting her guard down as her not being able to enjoy sex for what it is. It certainly did not come across as sex is something to cling to.

She let her emotional guard down and trusted that the guy was confident and ready to be in a relationship with her as he claimed.

By her "letting her guard down" I think she meant that she believed him. She wanted to have sex with him and did because she was attracted to the man that he was pretending to be and that is why she is hurt which is fair enough.

missrosetaylor

Thanks Whitewinged. That is precisely what I meant about letting my guard down. Personally I don't think that I need to be head over heels in love with someone to have sex, I understand that it happens a lot of the time as a result of a physical connection and sometimes nothing more than that. I just felt that I'd been taken for granted as he made out that it was a lot more than physical attraction and conned me into believing that we had an emotional connection too. That is what made this experience that bit more difficult. But I'm on the mend

Lux23

Fair enough.

MouseTail

You poor thing, what rotten timing. I would advise focussing completely on your thesis. Work in your college library if you can, less distractions than elsewhere.

Park your feelings, promise yourself you will deal with them after hand in date. Some meditation or mindfulness might help you focus.