What to believe

LegacyUser

Looking for advise,really can feel my heart breaking.
So I'm engaged to be married next year,been with Oh for nearly 4 years,always thought we had a good relationship. Until tonight....
So OH was away on stag at wkd,coming back sun so plan was to head out with lads sun.All fine.It was arranged that I would collect him around 12. All ok.
At 11 after work,I rang OH who asked where I was and if I could pick him up at friends house.He gave me address and it turned out to be a female friend who he works with. He was drunk and said he would meet me outside the house.at this stage he had told me that it was a house belonging to one of his male friends friend.so he hops into car with guilty look and I asked who lived there,when he told me it was her I freaked as there was nobody else in house only 2 of them,both had been out sun nite.
In his drunken state he told me how he had bumped into her in town and that she offered to bring him back to hers to wait for me there,as he was so drunk. I have seen him a lot worse in last 4 years.
Anyway I became really upset and when we got home his story had changed to him looking to go back to her house and wait for me there.At this stage my heart is breaking.He then shows me his phone which started out as him texting her to see if she was out and over three hours they seem to have been in two pubs and then a taxi back to hers with about an hour unaccounted for.
So he's telling me all this and to top it off he comes out with the fact that he is still in touch with his ex girlfriend (whom I asked him not to text and he promised he wouldn't) and showed me her name stored under a different name in his phone. This had been a serious bone of contention in our relationships early days as they were both in constant contact with each other and I was extremely uncomfortable about it,so he promised he would stop to the point where he said that if he text her again,he would agree that we go our separate ways.
We got engaged only 2 months ago and now I don't know what to do.
Advice needed.he is currently in spare room unconscious from drink and I'm lying awake.

Merkin

I'd be dumping him if I were you. He's been texting his ex behind your back all this time and now this? He clearly can't be trusted so I'd save myself the heartache and get shot of him.

Matteroffact

These things happen and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. We are all human at the end of the day and that's what we have to keep reminding ourselves. Even if he did go back to this woman's house it doesn't mean that he wants to have an affair with her. If he was trying to hide something he would not have asked you to collect him at her house but would have gotten a taxi. If she had been a male you would not have batted an eyelid. Texting his ex also means nothing, if they were ever going to get back with one another it would have happened long ago.

Penny Tration

Have you asked him to avoid other women before?

It's just that, on the face of it, although he was very wrong to hide his contact with his ex, it seems as though there was nothing really wrong with what he did? Talked to an ex, you told him to choose. Now you're angry that he hung out with another woman.

I could be totally off the mark, but going by what you've said, which doesn't give much context, i don't see much wrong aside from lying about talking to his ex.

Is he flirty or inappropriate with other women? Does he give you legitimate reason not to trust him? Or are you insecure about him being around any women?

magicmushroom

Matteroffact wrote: »

These things happen and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. We are all human at the end of the day and that's what we have to keep reminding ourselves. Even if he did go back to this woman's house it doesn't mean that he wants to have an affair with her. If he was trying to hide something he would not have asked you to collect him at her house but would have gotten a taxi. If she had been a male you would not have batted an eyelid. Texting his ex also means nothing, if they were ever going to get back with one another it would have happened long ago.

There things happen? Erm, not they don't...not in a relationship I'd want to be in anyway.

The whole story about him going back to that girls house is weird, why did he change it so many times? Why did he text her looking for her?

And him saving his exes number under a fake name in his phone is disgusting, very sneaky - OP I would go with your gut on this one, it doesn't sound very good to me and I wouldn't personally believe his story.

CaraMay

I never understand why people think its a good move banning a partner from talking to an ex. Just because they do doesn't mean they want to so it's a false victory. Red flag number 1 is that he's been lying about contact with his ex. Red flag 2 is that he was trying to meet up with this girl while supposedly on a lads night out and then he ends up in her house. Very dodgy.

OneOfThem

Doesn't sound good. On the one hand there's you dictating who he can and can't text. And "freaking" at the mention that he's stayed in a female friends house. And as a result there's him feeling like he has to lie to you about who he speaks to and where he goes. Major control and possesivness issues from you, and him telling lies to the person he seemingly intends to marry and share a life with. I'd be suspending the engagement until you can get a grip on your control issues and he can assure you the lies are done with. If both of you decide you'd like to continue in the relationship maybe look into couples counselling to help work through all the issues together and maybe separate counselling for yourself to work on the possesivness.

LegacyUser

Aw seriously now? People saying these things happen and what are you mad at him for hanging out with a female friend are being ridiculous.
Not being harsh these things are not normal and if I were you I would cut your loses before you end up marrying him. He obviously has no respect for you

Typer Monkey

I'd be suspicious myself definitely about what he was doing there in the first place but one thing sticks out to me, why on earth did he have you collect him from a random bird's house? Very odd. Could he not just have got a taxi home?

Personally I really wouldn't like if a partner explicitly ordered me to not be in contact with anyone. It just smacks of very controlling behaviour and I wouldn't do it- heck, I've even encouraged ex's to stay in contact with theirs.. especially if there was still a friendship there. That might seem odd, but I would never want to push them into that situation, because, depending on the friendship they have after the breakup, it could ultimately lead to what exactly is happening now.

magicmushroom

Deleted User wrote: »

Personally I really wouldn't like if a partner explicitly ordered me to not be in contact with anyone. It just smacks of very controlling behaviour and I wouldn't do it- heck, I've even encouraged ex's to stay in contact with theirs.. especially if there was still a friendship there. That might seem odd, but I would never want to push them into that situation, because, depending on the friendship they have after the breakup, it could ultimately lead to what exactly is happening now.

To be fair to the OP, we don't know her reasons for asking them to cease contact.
If her partner didn't want to break the contact with his ex then he should have just refused; putting her number under a false name was wrong.

woodchuck

OneOfThem wrote: »

Doesn't sound good. On the one hand there's you dictating who he can and can't text. And "freaking" at the mention that he's stayed in a female friends house. And as a result there's him feeling like he has to lie to you about who he speaks to and where he goes. Major control and possesivness issues from you, and him telling lies to the person he seemingly intends to marry and share a life with. I'd be suspending the engagement until you can get a grip on your control issues and he can assure you the lies are done with. If both of you decide you'd like to continue in the relationship maybe look into couples counselling to help work through all the issues together and maybe separate counselling for yourself to work on the possesivness.

The same thoughts occurred to me. I think there's more to this than meets the eye. Obviously lying is a terrible behaviour (and atm we really don't know that anything more than lying took place), but he may feel compelled to lie if you're very controlling, possessive and insecure OP.

I reckon a good hard look at your relationship as a whole is needed.

LegacyUser

Op here,just wanted to clarify a few things.
At no stage did I demand him to stop contact with his ex,if you read my post I told him I was uncomfortable with it and ASKED him to stop. Also this ex is the one he cheated on his last fiancé with.hence my apprehensiveness with this whole situation.

CaraMay

Dejected wrote: »

Op here,just wanted to clarify a few things.
At no stage did I demand him to stop contact with his ex,if you read my post I told him I was uncomfortable with it and ASKED him to stop. Also this ex is the one he cheated on his last fiancé with.hence my apprehensiveness with this whole situation.

When you say 'I asked ..... He promised' it sounds more like an order than a request tbh.

So he's cheated on a previous fiancée with this girl he's hiding from you? The plot thickens. I'm all for giving someone the benefit of the doubt but this guy doesn't seem to have learned from past mistakes and seems to still like playing with fire.

I'm not sure I could trust this guy

Idle Passerby

Sounds like hes got serious cold feet about the engagement. The way his Sunday night played out sounds like he was actively trying to give you a reason to end it. Far from trying to cover up any dodgy behavior on his part it sounds like he was going out of his way to make himself look bad in your eyes. It comes across like he's looking for an escape route.

frostyjacks

The fact that he has cheated during a previous engagement would tell me that this is only going to end in tears. Not sure why he's asking women to marry him if he keeps going behind their back.

Keane2baMused

This is ultimately your decision but I think if you're honest with yourself here you are posting because you want people to tell you to leave him.

There's a real possibility you're going to end up hurt if he has cheated on a previous ex with this girl he was texting.

This will not end well by the sounds of it.

It was not very respectful of him to just roll in drunk to a random girls house that you dont know. There are bounderies in relationships that most people understand and have the decency to say 'hey I may stay in male/females house tonight post session, that cool'??

Not text next morning still pissed looking for a lift home from a woman's house, that looks so bad!