I'm going into self destruct mode..

LegacyUser

Hi all

I'm writing this as I feel like I've no where else to turn. My friends aren't going to understand or take it seriously. I'll try keep it short.

I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 months ago due to him lying,among other things and me losing trust in him. I can honestly say I've never felt that strongly for anyone and believed he was the one. It broke my heart when I found out the lies as I had honestly given him my all which I rarely do with partners.

I feel now I have started to almost sabotage myself.. I've started drinking more frequently( I was never a big drinker) and all I think about is going out to bars with the girls and meeting someone who is going to fill some sort of void in me. I have also started chatting to several different guys and although I haven't had sex with any of them, I definitely would not say no.
This is so not like me...I feel sick to my stomach even typing that as it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. I feel like my last f*ck was given when we broke up and I'm slowly spiraling downwards into a dark and lonely place filled with one night stands and guys who don't care.

Is this a normal part of a break up? I've had several long relationships over the years but have never felt like this ever

Tigger99

You said you never felt for him what you felt for others, so it's not a surprise that your reaction is much stronger. You sound so angry and lost. Would you consider counselling? It can be a life saver.

Perhaps you are looking for validationtthrough the urge for one night stands but thinking that at the same time it's not what you need. They certainly can be great for scratching an itch but it doesn't sound like that for you.

Maybe be a bit kinder to yourself. It's v understandable to feel like this. It is only three months in. Maybe stay away from alcohol for the time being as it is a huge depressant. I hit the gym instead. It was a great distraction.

After one breakup I went through I read that the intimacy of the human touch is one thing that can be hugely missed and getting extra hugs from your friends and booking in for a massage every now and then can help slightly ease the loneliness. I know it sounds daft. But it works.

It is ****ty but you will feel better in time.

LegacyUser

I actually cried at you post Tigger99 what you wrote is so accurate and to think a stranger can tell by just reading my post is crazy. I'm an emotional mess at the moment. I just want my ex to hold me and tell me everythings going to be ok.
I will definitely seriously think about counselling even to get all my feelings out there, it would be a great weight off me. I'm starting to exercise more but am afraid about losing anymore weight as I've lost quite abit already.
I've never been in such a horrible place before it's just so new to me.

Exclamation Marc

OP, there is one brilliant thing about your post and that's that you've realised that you're going into self destruct mode. I have a good few friends who absolutely self-destructed and didn't realise it until so much damage was done. So firstly, you should be proud that you've admitted and noticed that you're not yourself.

The next step is building you back you up. It's going to be a tough road but you will absolutely get through it. I broke up with a girlfriend years ago after years of lies and cheating which put me into a total hole as I really wasn't sure how I could recover. And like you, I had a past of breaking up with people and just getting on with it but the nature of THAT break-up really hit me hard and left me in a dark place, it naturally does, when the trust goes and lies come out from someone you thought was incapable of it, life really feels like shi!t.

Meeting guys will start to feel great as the attention will distract you, but in the long term you need to feel comfortable being on your own. Given that you're saying that it makes you feel wrong, then I can easily say that if you start sleeping around, it will only make it worse in the long run as you'll meet people who will just mess you around for a ride. The drinking will only make you feel worse as the booze will make your brain reminisce and you'll start punishing yourself for things you shouldn't be.

Can I ask why you think your friends won't understand or take it seriously? After what happened to me, my alpha-male tough guy mates suddenly became the agony uncles for me. Your friends will rise to it if they know how badly it's hit you.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much manufactured miracle for your response. I think you are right about sleeping around and booze not being the best thing to do right now.
I think as tigger put it, I'm looking for companionship rather than the actual act of sex but can see I'm going about it the completely wrong way. I can see what I'm doing is wrong and can almost see myself from an outside perspective.
I feel like my friends won't understand as they've already told me I should just move on. It varies between friends,with some saying i should rely on my good looks to get some male attention and others saying I should act more like a man and not give a crap.
IMO, this is all terrible advice. I don't want to have to use my looks alone purely to get someone or treat some guy like crap to make me feel better just because I've been treated badly by a man. This kind of attitude is why people end up miserable and alone. I don't want that.
It sounds terrible but both yours and tiggers responses have made me feel better than some of my friends advice has

Sunflower 27

Going off the rails after a significant break is common.

You have some great advice here already, so not much I an add, but please ditch the alcohol for now. You are still too emotionally raw and alcohol is a depressant. You will see things so much clearer when you don't have a fuzzy booze head on you

It takes time, but you will get over this. Continue to focus on the fact you found out the truth. Too many people find out such things much further down the line - after marriage and children.

You have your life back now and it is full of possibilities. And that includes down the line meeting someone else that you can actually trust.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all your replies. I'm going to try put all this energy into something I love doing,either a hobby or in regards to my career.

elstingeo

Is there no chance of reconciliation or would either party entertain the idea? When you go through heart break it's literally a grieving process! I've gone through it recently!

Please don't fill the void with self destructive behaviour do something that wil nourish you in a positive manner. It sounds like you miss the guy? Can anything be worked out or is it kaput? Were the lies that bad?

When you break up you usually feel like you've to find yourself again. Begin operating as a lone wolf as to say. You will get through this. I guess the choice is yours to get through it in a positive light or a negative. I wish you luck.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately as much as I wish there was a chance of a reconciliation, he hasn't put in the effort to prove anything to me. The lie itself wasn't the issue really and could possibly have been worked out.
The issue was I had made it quite clear that there's one thing I can't stand and that's lying and gave him many opportunities to tell the truth and he choose not to on several occasions. In my eyes the trust is gone and believe the ship has sailed.
I've already started to make positive changes in the last few days which I am pretty proud of. I think I need to invest in myself rather than investing in behaviour that is self destructive or on someone who doesn't deserve the energy

conor8989

iminacave wrote: »

Hi all

I'm writing this as I feel like I've no where else to turn. My friends aren't going to understand or take it seriously. I'll try keep it short.

I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 months ago due to him lying,among other things and me losing trust in him. I can honestly say I've never felt that strongly for anyone and believed he was the one. It broke my heart when I found out the lies as I had honestly given him my all which I rarely do with partners.

I feel now I have started to almost sabotage myself.. I've started drinking more frequently( I was never a big drinker) and all I think about is going out to bars with the girls and meeting someone who is going to fill some sort of void in me. I have also started chatting to several different guys and although I haven't had sex with any of them, I definitely would not say no.
This is so not like me...I feel sick to my stomach even typing that as it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. I feel like my last f*ck was given when we broke up and I'm slowly spiraling downwards into a dark and lonely place filled with one night stands and guys who don't care.

Is this a normal part of a break up? I've had several long relationships over the years but have never felt like this ever

i felt the same when me and my girlfriend broke up i taught id never get over her seeing her out on facebook every weekend broke my heart but you will get over it time and talking to someone helps alot if you need someone to talk to just drop me a line take care

Exclamation Marc

iminacave wrote: »

Unfortunately as much as I wish there was a chance of a reconciliation, he hasn't put in the effort to prove anything to me. The lie itself wasn't the issue really and could possibly have been worked out.
The issue was I had made it quite clear that there's one thing I can't stand and that's lying and gave him many opportunities to tell the truth and he choose not to on several occasions. In my eyes the trust is gone and believe the ship has sailed.
I've already started to make positive changes in the last few days which I am pretty proud of. I think I need to invest in myself rather than investing in behaviour that is self destructive or on someone who doesn't deserve the energy

Can I just say fair play to you. In the space of a couple of days you seem to have started down the road of completely turning it around for yourself which is quite a tough thing to do. It took me quite a while after I was badly hurt to finally realise that I definitively wasn't going back there. The sooner you get to that point the better, and you have.

And the behaviour you said you were exhibiting that wasn't you, you've put a stop to, so you've nothing to regret. As you said, invest in yourself. The amount of free time you'll have now will enable you to take up loads of new hobbies, see your friends, relax, put extra time into work and find yourself again. Options are limitless.

The silver lining on all of this is that you realised he was bad news and you've started fresh. Instead of finding out he wasn't for you two more years down the line, you get to start fresh now. Imagine how you'd have felt if this happened 5 years down the line.

And if you ever do get a brief feeling of sadness or despair again in the future, it'll pass.

Good luck OP and good job getting back to a good place

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies, they really got to me (in a good way)
Hopefully this is the start of something great. I'm looking forward to the adventure