an affair for thought

neadybop

i'm sorry

eviltwin

I feel so sorry for your husband. I can understand the boredom that can sometimes come with having sex with a long term partner but its up to both of you to make the changes to deal with it. The problem is you won't even give your husband the chance to do that so without any knowledge on his part as to what you want or like he's going to be cheated on. Why don't you just be honest with him that you need something more and work on it together? Why did you marry someone you can't be yourself with? Why do you think he will think less of you?

PawneeRanger

OP, why can't you have these sexual experiences with your husband?
You don't have to divulge everything you've ever tried in the past, but why not make some suggestions in the bedroom?

Personally, it sounds like there's more at play here. Do you have feelings for this other man? Do you have doubts about your husband?

I don't understand why you'd be willing to throw away your marriage for sex.

strandroad

So you're willing to throw your marriage away if found out, because you can't be bothered to suggest some more experimentation to your husband? You're ashamed to admit to your needs and to talk to him, but not to cheat on him? Is your marriage good otherwise? Because it sounds like you have no communication practice and little care for his feelings.

You're already conducting something that can be called an emotional affair BTW, on the verge of crossing into physical.

orthsquel

neadybop wrote: »

into a lot of sexual experimenting that my husband knows nothing about, and some of it i'd like him never to know about, because i'm afraid he may think less of me.

neadybop wrote: »

reminising about past meetings. this has made us both think about meeting up again, 1 night, see if its still as good.

tbh OP just re-read those two bits from your post. You're worried about telling your husband about your sexual past because he would think less of you yet show no concern about what your husband would think of you or that he would think less of you should he find out about you having a sexual affair with someone else while married??

Are you uncomfortable with your own sexual past with yourself? Are you ashamed or embarrassed about it? And would you have given yourself a hard time over it? I'd nearly suspect that maybe you want to be judged by your husband but not because of a sexual past and sexual experimentation, but because of an affair.... very much in a roundabout way connecting it back to your own sexual past. I think should your husband find out about the affair he would think less of you, and perhaps maybe you less of yourself, if you are somewhat embarrassed or ashamed of your own sexual past, or ashamed to admit it to your husband.

I think that while you may have been reminiscing you might have got caught up in the past and a fantasy version of it. When with that person you were experimenting and exploring... with them and maybe also just in general. That doesn't mean that the reality with an affair will be as equally exciting and sexually interesting, or about exploring and experimenting, but fulfilling an expectation or a repeat of something for both of you. And you haven't met in years, you might not find yourself sexually attracted to them or might find that rather than having felt that bit special in being someone they experimented and explored with, you're just to them, just another person to have sex with rather than an indulgence of sexual exploration set in a romanticised version of experimentation.

tbh I think you would just be better off spicing things up in the bedroom and seeking sexual exploration with your husband...and letting him in on some of the interesting things you would like to do, rather than trying to find that in someone who is a practical stranger.

OneOfThem

I'm presuming your husband is a man? In which case I really really don't think he would have a negative attitude to you suggesting you would like to be a lot more experimental in bed with him. You've known men before, right? Chances are he's as bored with things as you seem to be but as it doesn't sound like you've let him know a more adventurous side of you he may be apprehensive about bringing it up with you.

Bit worrying you're basically a skip and a jump towards cheating on him though, everything but the finally from the sound of things. Doesn't say much for how much of a sh1t you give about him.

Keane2baMused

I presume you know how selfish you sound here?

You want to initialise an affair with an old sexual partner, on the premise that you feel you can't have a similar or even better sex life with your husband as you think he won't view you in the same light any more?

Sorry but that's utter crap.

You're bored and you want a new (old!) toy to play with.

Either cut your husband loose before you seriously hurt him, or cut all contact with this man and work on your marriage.

Exclamation Marc

neadybop wrote: »

i'm married 2 years, we have a reasonably good sex life. nothing too exciting and thats mostly down to me.

If it's mostly down to you, taking it out on your husband by having an affair is absolutely horrid thing to do. If the problem is mostly down to you, fix it instead of sabotaging your entire relationship.

neadybop wrote: »

see if its still as good.

And if it is? Do you think that's going to re-ignite your marriage? Or sort out your bedroom problems? No, you'll just end up doing it again and again (no doubt about this) and hurt your husband more and more. And this already awful idea becomes a full blown nightmare.

neadybop wrote: »

this has made us both think about meeting up again, 1 night, see if its still as good.

The fact that you're openly talking about this with the other guy is horrible by the way and almost worse than cheating. People make mistakes on the moment (not that I'd ever forgive a cheater), but what you're doing is quite calculated and arguably worse than the cheating itself as it's clearly not a mistake. You literally have no avenue for forgiveness if you go through with it (not that you should have one anyway).

Work on your marriage or get a divorce. Simple. And if you do decide to work on your marriage, have the decency and get rid of this past guy from your life.

And just for one second, imagine your husband was doing the same thing... How would that make you feel?

B.A._Baracus

Hi neadybop,
This is the internet.... this is boards.ie ..... I or anyone else doesn't know you. But why are you posting this?

Now obviously you feel guilty. That's a given as you would not be here. But let's logically dig deeper into this one. You are either seeking permission from random strangers on the internet or you are looking for a reality check from random strangers on the internet.

Think about it. You painted a bigger picture of the guy who used to have fun with than your husband.

whiskeyman

Risk?
You seem to be blind that so much damage has been done already.
You either cut contact now and work hard on your marriage, or end it with your husband and follow your own selfish thoughts.

JeffKenna

I feel sorry for your husband. You omitted to tell him/include him in a big aspect of what you want in a relationship the day you got married. I'm not sure how you thought the marriage could ever work in the long run.

zeffabelli

neadybop wrote: »

i'm married 2 years, we have a reasonably good sex life. nothing too exciting and thats mostly down to me. before i met my husband i was a very different kind of girl, into a lot of sexual experimenting that my husband knows nothing about, and some of it i'd like him never to know about, because i'm afraid he may think less of me.
pre husband i used to meet this guy for great sex and good chats, over 10 years! so a very comfortable bond formed. we tried a lot of things together over that time. we never got together, it was never that sort of relationship, and we moved away to differently lives but still kept in contact.
lately we've been in more contact, chatting for hours on the phone, reminising about past meetings. this has made us both think about meeting up again, 1 night, see if its still as good.
i know i'm being silly thinking about it, but the seed has been planted and i just don't know what to do. risk everything for my own pleasure??
advice please

Can I ask how long has passed since you met him?

Body memory is very strong, and you maybe assuming wrongly that chemistry is still there.

Sometimes sex itself is not as exciting regardless of circumstance or long term partners, it's age, it's experience, etc... You maybe reminiscing about a time in your life more than about a specific person but the correlation is confusing you?

I don't know I'm just throwing this out there as a possibility.

jimd2

I agree with most replies here. As an aside I am at a loss as to why anyone would "thank" the opening post

Whether deliberate or not on your part, it looks as if you developed a relationship with your husband while hiding certain aspects of your life that might put him off. This maybe because you felt that you needed to settle down etc. However very quickly you have become bored and believe me 2 years is very quickly to become bored in the relationship.

While I am very happy that I didnt get hooked up with someone that deceived me like that either intentionally or not you have come on here looking for advice and criticism of you wont help the sitiuation.

I think that you need to try and get the ex out of the picture and try and think about your marriage and where it is going. That is by far the most important issue. Do you see yourself married to your husband in 10, 20, 30 years? do you want kids? Are you happy where you live?

If you really want to give it a go, speak to your husband and try and work on the issues that are there, after all things might not be perfect from his pov either.

If the commitment is not there then you have to break it to you husband and then you are into the area of breakup and all that brings. at least, for your husband he is not in a marriage for the next 5 or 10 years that is dead and his chances of meeting someone else are diminishing all the time.

If you do break up then and only then should you pursue that ex, it would be really low of you to pursue a planned reenactment of a f^ck buddy relationship with your husband oblivious in the background.

Oryx

The part in the opening post that was missing for me was 'I don't want to hurt my husband'. Instead you say you don't want him to think less of you, and you wonder if you should risk all for your own pleasure. Its not about him at all. Its all about how this is going to affect you. I hope you can look objectively and see how your priorities are skewed at the moment, because I hope that after two years its not that you married the wrong man and that you do actually love him.

If you changed yourself completely in order to be with your husband (which is how I read it) then Im not surprised you are bored and Im not surprised you are chatting to your fall back guy. The old you is resurfacing. Should you risk it all to shag him? No. Emphatically no. You married your husband for a set of reasons, so go back and remind yourself of them. See if they are still valid. If they are, then turn to him. Be honest (more honest?) with him, and try to inject some of your old self into your new marriage and shake it up a bit. That in itself is a risk, because he will have to accept you as different to the girl he married. But its a better risk than a nasty emotional and physical affair which is pretty pointless.

What you are doing right now with the other guy is not acceptable and I think you know that. If youre not telling your husband about the contact, thats your marker for it not being ok. In order to make the temptation go away you have to cut contact with him, I doubt you will want to do that, but its your choice. Just dont lie to yourself that its 'only' chat.

Wow.

You've only been married two years.

You want to have sex with this other guy, because it was good, but you've admitted that the sex hasn't been amazing in your marriage because of you. So, instead of trying to make things better, with your husband, you want to sleep with someone else.

My opinion? Divorce your husband, because he deserves to be treated with more respect.

Wompa1

Deleted User wrote: »

Wow.

You've only been married two years.

You want to have sex with this other guy, because it was good, but you've admitted that the sex hasn't been amazing in your marriage because of you. So, instead of trying to make things better, with your husband, you want to sleep with someone else.

My opinion? Divorce your husband, because he deserves to be treated with more respect.

Further to this. Divorce him and give him a clean break.

beks101

neadybop wrote: »

risk everything for my own pleasure??

Well you've answered your own question really. To proceed with this would be the nail in the coffin for your marriage. First you'd withdraw physically because you're having more 'exciting' sex elsewhere. Then mentally and emotionally. Is your husband not worth more than that? Why did you get married in the first place, if it's not worth fighting for even at the first hurdle?

Reading your post, it's like you've decided you were a certain type of woman, and then you married your husband and had to become someone else. You weren't allowed to be sexually adventurous or experimental. Why? I mean unless it's bloody illegal or something I see no reason why you'd feel you can't express your preferences with your husband, who you admittedly already have a 'reasonably good sex life' with. Give him a bit of credit like. Maybe he'd be thrilled you want to try something new.

You shagged this other fella for ten years and it never moved on beyond a fcuk buddy scenario. There wasn't enough there to move it on. Why are you so willing to jeopardize your marriage for him? All he is, is a lad from your past that you used to have sex with. That other guy - your husband - he's the guy you pledged your life to. He's the one you promised to be faithful to, and to love and to cherish in sickness and in health and all that jazz. And now it's not even worth a red penny? Because Guy 1 is bored and has gotten back in touch?

Sound Bite

Wow.....such self centered bull**** in your op.

Do your husband a favour & let him go...he deserves better.

Your post comes across as a delusional, selfish and attention seeking.

I doubt your husband will think more of youfor deciding to have an affair rather than a discussion on how to improve your sexual relationship

conor8989

dont go behind his back you will get caught someday talk to him and tell him what you need who knows you might get to some arragement but be honest