Affair -stay or run

LegacyUser

i met a guy whom I hit it off with straight away, ive just come out of an abusive relationship a few months ago and wasnt rushing into anything and still am not rushing into anything, i want to get to know someone before i commit, so i've just been seeing this guy and chatting and getting to know each other.
From day one this guy told me he's seperated from his wife and they have no children, fair enough, then the other day he drops a bombshell, he said he wanted to be totally honest with me, that his wife walked out on him because he had a 6 month affair. i was absolutely gobsmacked, he said that his wife was working all hours and in college in the evenings and weekends. They never spent any time together and it felt like they were just housemates and then he met this lady who gave him attention and she was like a shoulder to cry on. the affair was exposed, him and his wife tried to make their marriage work, he felt so guilty and ashamed but in the end the wife walked away
I really dont know how to feel, i really like this guy and wonder should i give him a chance or should i run a mile. If he done it on his wife of 10 years, whats stopping him from doing it on someone else. he said he learnt from his mistake how much hurt and pain he caused and would never go through all that again.

CaraMay

Everyone deserves a second chance but if you can't give him that from the start then don't take it any further.

LegacyUser

I don't believe the whole 'once a cheater, always a cheater' thing (and this is coming from someone who has been v. v. heavily cheated on). I think people can do awful things when they feel trapped & miserable. I don't think my ex would have cheated on me had our relationship not been horrible at the point that he did (not that I take any blame for it, just the situation we had moved ourselves into wasn't good) and had we both not felt very trapped in it. Infidelity isn't any fun but I definitely think it's a symptom of a bad relationship rather than the cause of one, for people who aren't sh1tbags anyway. If you're getting any sort of vibe off him that he isn't a good person then none of this applies!

He didn't have to tell you what happened in his last relationship & he did anyway, that seems like a very good sign.

Obviously if you aren't able to go into it without thinking of him as a potential cheater then you shouldn't, because that's not fair, but I'd give it a chance for sure.

jopax

Hi op,

It is a matter of what you are comfortable with.

Personally I would run a mile as fast as I could, my issue would be very simple, he had an affair for 6 months, that is a long time to be that deceitful.
It wasn't just a mistake, he knew exactly what he was doing.Fair enough if he wasn't happy with his wife, he could have spoke to her or simply left but he chose to have an affair instead.
Thread carefully.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

No offence to you but you say you got out of an abusive r/ship a few months ago? You are probably still in a vulnerable place OP, and with all due respect, you don't need that type of person in your life. His excuse doesn't fly with me. It's about having balls and manning up to your problems. Not running away and having an affair for 6 months? Nope. He is not a good man in my opinion. I am biased because I think cheaters are the lowest of the low. No balls. I'd rather someone who had courage and back bone. It's up to you, but IMO, you need someone better than that.

OneOfThem

I was really expecting a "So I found out he's still married and wants to have an affair with me" there.

10 years ago? Jesus, are any of us even remotely the same person that would act in the same way in relation to absolutely everything compared with ten years ago? Never done anything in your life you look back on now and think "that was wrong of me, but I'm sure I wouldn't do it now" OP? He had no obligation to tell you this at all, we're talking an affair a decade ago, not like it's still going to be the talk of the town or anything. Could have easily kept stum and it'd be extremely unlikely you'd ever know. But he's chosen to be straight up and honest with you about something which he is well aware would have you thinking "stay or run". I think that's a good sign, and you should give the guy a chance. (although I'd agree with CaraMay that that should be based on whether you actually feel you could give the guy a chance, no point getting involved in something you're going to be thinking negatively about from the outset.)

LegacyUser

OneOfThem wrote: »

I was really expecting a "So I found out he's still married and wants to have an affair with me" there.

10 years ago? Jesus, are any of us even remotely the same person that would act in the same way in relation to absolutely everything compared with ten years ago? Never done anything in your life you look back on now and think "that was wrong of me, but I'm sure I wouldn't do it now" OP? He had no obligation to tell you this at all, we're talking an affair a decade ago, not like it's still going to be the talk of the town or anything. Could have easily kept stum and it'd be extremely unlikely you'd ever know. But he's chosen to be straight up and honest with you about something which he is well aware would have you thinking "stay or run". I think that's a good sign, and you should give the guy a chance. (although I'd agree with CaraMay that that should be based on whether you actually feel you could give the guy a chance, no point getting involved in something you're going to be thinking negatively about from the outset.)

It doesn't say in her OP it happened 10 years ago.. it says he was with his wife of 10 years.

jimd2

I think that I would give him a chance but would take it slowly for the reasons given above.

OneOfThem

HSFKSDHF wrote: »

It doesn't say in her OP it happened 10 years ago.. it says he was with his wife of 10 years.

Ah, so it does.

LegacyUser

OneOfThem wrote: »

10 years ago? Jesus, are any of us even remotely the same person that would act in the same way in relation to absolutely everything compared with ten years ago?

If you read my thread, i didnt say it happened 10 years ago, i said 'his wife of 10yrs'. he was married to his wife for 10 years , they are split up 2 years therefore the affair would have been 2 years ago.

OneOfThem

greencastlenavan wrote: »

If you read my thread, i didnt say it happened 10 years ago, i said 'his wife of 10yrs'. he was married to his wife for 10 years , they are split up 2 years therefore the affair would have been 2 years ago.

As I've said, I see that now, my mistake, carry on.

zeffabelli

Sometimes people use the affair to break free , it's not that it caused the break up more that it was exploited as a means to break a bond.

In reality the issue is more are you ready after an abusuve relationship.

CaraMay

greencastlenavan wrote: »

If you read my thread, i didnt say it happened 10 years ago, i said 'his wife of 10yrs'. he was married to his wife for 10 years , they are split up 2 years therefore the affair would have been 2 years ago.

So he's had 2 years to move on but you've only had 2 months. I think you a rushing into a new relationship op. Given that you are already somewhat unsettled by this guy would you not take 6 mônths away drom dating to give yourself a chance to leave the past relationship behind.

ShaShaBear

As someone who once maintained a 6 month affair with a man while living with another, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt given his explanation. I was emotionally, physically and sexually deprived of my partner. I felt so alone and someone I trusted as a friend managed to take the pain away. It was silly of me and I am still so ashamed of it 6 years later. However, I have never cheated since and have had 4 serious relationships since, one of which I am still in.

He could be lying of course, but don't think that he's some sort of serial Heartbreaker. People make mistakes and there are no ways to turn back time. He didn't have to tell you about the affair, and otherwise you would never gave known. I'd be inclined to think he told you because he was terrified you would find out and it shows he really cares what you think.

Sunflower 27

I wouldn't pursue this either. Deception for 6 months is a serious betrayal. I would not be able to trust this guy. In saying that, he did tell you about it. Was the affair the reason he split with his ex?

Emme

OP, I think you should walk away and focus on yourself for a while. You are out of an abusive relationship, are you getting counselling at the moment? Even if you had counselling and have stopped it might be worthwhile going back to it again.

Start dating again when you are in a better place. This man might not be good for you right now.