advice please

LegacyUser

Seeing Ireland is such a small place I'm going to try keep as much details out of this post.

This is going to read like something from the sun newspaper problem page which I always thought were made up!

I've found out my brother in laws child is not his, that his wife had an affair with a work college and the child isn't in fact his. The person that told me this has no reason to lie.

As much as I'm devastated for my bro. my instinct is to keep quiet and pretend I never heard anything but keeping it from my wife is a struggle...

I've tossing and turning over this for a couple of weeks. I'm really annoyed at what this women is doing to my bro. but I've no hard proof besides somebodies word, although it sort of makes sense now that I've been told for lots of reasons I wont get into.

The biggest problem is my wife and I have such an honest and trusting relationship. I tell her everything no secrets, its just who we are and we're really happy. I feel like I'm betraying my wife's trust. If she found out I kept this from her... it'd kill her and damage our relationship.

Would I be opening the biggest can of worms ever if I told her?

Am I lying or deceiving my wife and her family by not coming forward with this information?

Part of me wants to see some justice or something, I cant explain it.

I just want to know what to do for the right reasons.

Would you want to know if this was happening to your family? Maybe the lie is easier?

unbelievable

Merkin

Of course you should tell your wife. A persons spouse is their chief confidante normally so I don't see any reason why you shouldn't talk to her about this. Because it is your own family you can ask her to respect what you choose to do with the information for now but if you gave a good relationship then she will be an invaluable sounding board for you.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Of course you should tell your wife. A persons spouse is their chief confidante normally so I don't see any reason why you shouldn't talk to her about this. Because it is your own family you can ask her to respect what you choose to do with the information for now but if you gave a good relationship then she will be an invaluable sounding board for you.

its my brother in law, her brother, her family... although I feel as though they are my family seeing I'm married into them and besides that I honestly care about how he has been betrayed, how they're all being lied to or deceived and now I'm apart of that deceit

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Of course you should tell your wife. A persons spouse is their chief confidante normally so I don't see any reason why you shouldn't talk to her about this. Because it is your own family you can ask her to respect what you choose to do with the information for now but if you gave a good relationship then she will be an invaluable sounding board for you.

It's the OP's brother in law and therefore not his family but his wifes. I would want to be 100% sure the information is correct and also not something that your brother law is aware of already. How does this person who told you know for sure and your brother in law doesn't? Why did they tell you? This may be something that he knows already but doesn't want to be common knowledge. My uncle had similar where he was raising a child that wasnt his but knew from the get go but didn't tell anyone else as he didn't want family and friends treating his wife or kid different. Town busy bodies got hold of the info and exactly what he didn't want happened - family members started treating the child different and of course cousins over heard and bullied the child saying she wasnt a real cousin and couldn't play with them anymore etc etc So treatd lightly OP

LegacyUser

can't log in wrote: »

It's the OP's brother in law and therefore not his family but his wifes. I would want to be 100% sure the information is correct and also not something that your brother law is aware of already. How does this person who told you know for sure and your brother in law doesn't? Why did they tell you? This may be something that he knows already but doesn't want to be common knowledge. My uncle had similar where he was raising a child that wasnt his but knew from the get go but didn't tell anyone else as he didn't want family and friends treating his wife or kid different. Town busy bodies got hold of the info and exactly what he didn't want happened - family members started treating the child different and of course cousins over heard and bullied the child saying she wasnt a real cousin and couldn't play with them anymore etc etc So treatd lightly OP

I cant really go into the why and the how but like I said this person has no reason to lie...

also that had occurred to me that there is a possibility he knows, apparently everyone knows in the work place. I made a passing visit to the workplace, I've seen the alleged father and there is no doubt in my mind, they probably couldn't have got anymore unlucky with a likeness.

its just killing me hearing about my wife and her family talk about how she looks like so and so and its not possible, I always thought the child just looked unique compare to both sets of parents but never would I have dreamed of such a scenario but when I was told this it made perfect sense.

My gut is telling me to erase this but there is a guilty feeling about not telling my wife and anger towards that slag for what she has done to a great guy...

guess maybe I should just suck it up

Neyite

In terms of family secrets, this is one that could cause massive shock waves OP. And there is an innocent child right in the middle of it.

Firstly, I'd say that you need to consider what your wife's reaction would be - do you think she would go off on one, or would she be capable of being rational and level headed when she finds out.

I don't agree necessarily that there should be no secrets between spouses but considering its her brother that's involved, it could come back to haunt you if you chose not to tell your wife. Having said that, I don't think that you should tell her for now.

Would it be possible to talk to BIL's wife about it first? Say that you found this out, and see what she says? You might find that It's entirely possible that your BIL was fully aware of his wife's affair, her subsequent pregnancy and that he has willingly agreed to raise the child as his own, feeling that its nobody else's business but theirs. I do know someone who did this, and as far as he is concerned the child is his, despite a very striking resemblance to her real dad.

DoYouEvenLift

Tell her. Tell the guy too, that is absolutely disgusting behaviour from his wife. Talk about being a sociopath, how can she live with herself.

You'd want to know if you were conned and deceived into raising another man's child.

prettyrestless

You don't have any proof. For all you know, your brother in law knows his wife cheated and has forgiven her and decided to raise the child as his own.

You say that the person who told you has no reason to lie, but if they are the sort of person who spreads stories about other people's business, whether true or not, I'd seriously question their intentions.

Honesty is extremely important in a relationship but you have to consider if telling her this will hurt your wife and her family even more than just forgetting it and keeping your mouth shut. Right now I would be hesitant to say anything, simply because you don't know if it's true, regardless of how well the story fits.

Penn

prettyrestless wrote: »

You don't have any proof. For all you know, your brother in law knows his wife cheated and has forgiven her and decided to raise the child as his own.

You say that the person who told you has no reason to lie, but if they are the sort of person who spreads stories about other people's business, whether true or not, I'd seriously question their intentions.

Absolutely. Sorry OP, but just because you believe this person, doesn't mean what they're saying is true. The first person in all of this that you should be talking to is the person who told you. Ask them how they know, do they have any proof, why are they telling you etc.

You may think they have no reason to lie, but that doesn't mean they're not lying. Even then, that person might believe it to be true but might be basing it on incorrect information. It's a very serious accusation which could have huge consequences. You need to be absolutely sure it's true before you do anything else.

LegacyUser

wtf12345 wrote: »

I cant really go into the why and the how but like I said this person has no reason to lie...

They have no reason to lie but why are they being so 'honest' with you? If I knew one of my work mates had done something similar I wouldn't be running around telling his in laws. We can already see the impact as assume you didn't view your brother in law's wife as a 'slag' before this. The damage has been done now, you'll not be able to look at the wife or child the same which makes seriously question why this person told you? If they cared so much why didn't they talk to your brother in law? Why get you to do their dirty work?

They've put you in a really awful situation OP and I'm not sure there is a resolution that doesn't result in someone being hurt. You say nothing and you feel like crap around your wife's family and have issues dealing with your brother in law, his wife and child. You tell your wife who didn't know confronts her sister in law and the whole family turns on her and the child. Or turns out the husband knows but forgave his wife and opted to raise the child as his own and he is then at odds with the rest of his family over his choice and the child is ignore or bullied by his family.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

In terms of family secrets, this is one that could cause massive shock waves OP. And there is an innocent child right in the middle of it.

Firstly, I'd say that you need to consider what your wife's reaction would be - do you think she would go off on one, or would she be capable of being rational and level headed when she finds out.

I don't agree necessarily that there should be no secrets between spouses but considering its her brother that's involved, it could come back to haunt you if you chose not to tell your wife. Having said that, I don't think that you should tell her for now.

Would it be possible to talk to BIL's wife about it first? Say that you found this out, and see what she says? You might find that It's entirely possible that your BIL was fully aware of his wife's affair, her subsequent pregnancy and that he has willingly agreed to raise the child as his own, feeling that its nobody else's business but theirs. I do know someone who did this, and as far as he is concerned the child is his, despite a very striking resemblance to her real dad.

I really don't know how my wife would react. Shock, upset and probably anger but she would listen to her brother first on how he felt, she could push past her feelings and put his first instead of going at her all guns blazing.

How she would feel about me knowing and not telling her, well she'd probably would look at me like if I could keep quiet about this god only knows what else I could hide.... maybe who knows what happens when a family gets turned upside down.

As for that piece of crap, I wont be able to look at her let alone confront her, I'm dreading the idea of being in a room with her.

LegacyUser

can't log in wrote: »

They have no reason to lie but why are they being so 'honest' with you? If I knew one of my work mates had done something similar I wouldn't be running around telling his in laws. We can already see the impact as assume you didn't view your brother in law's wife as a 'slag' before this. The damage has been done now, you'll not be able to look at the wife or child the same which makes seriously question why this person told you? If they cared so much why didn't they talk to your brother in law? Why get you to do their dirty work?

They've put you in a really awful situation OP and I'm not sure there is a resolution that doesn't result in someone being hurt. You say nothing and you feel like crap around your wife's family and have issues dealing with your brother in law, his wife and child. You tell your wife who didn't know confronts her sister in law and the whole family turns on her and the child. Or turns out the husband knows but forgave his wife and opted to raise the child as his own and he is then at odds with the rest of his family over his choice and the child is ignore or bullied by his family.

I really cant go into the how and why and how I was told, its bad enough I'm on the internet without going into that. its almost as messed up as this situation as to how I found out. There is very little doubt though its true what I've been told in my mind.

I never felt this person a slag before but I knew something wasn't right. Jesus like this guy is the best guy in the world to her and the child, its just not right even if he knows whats been done.

Your second paragraph is whats been swirling around my head for the last two weeks, no right way, only a wrong ways, which is the lesser of the evils???

Matteroffact

You don't say a word about this to anyone, not even your wife, why ??? ..... because it is none of your business. If it comes out later on and your wife asks you did you know this all you say is that you heard it but didn't believe it and that because you don't spread gossip you felt it was better to say nothing. This is between your BIL and his wife and really it is not up to you to enlighten anyone. Whoever told you needs a good kick in the ass.

Xterminator

Matteroffact wrote: »

You don't say a word about this to anyone, not even your wife, why ??? ..... because it is none of your business.

I cant agree with that statement.

Put yourself in the BIL's shoes. If you know and dont tell them and this comes out later, how will they react ? It will be seen as a betrayal!

And if your wife finds out you were told, you could damage your own relationship?

My advice will be to discuss with your wife, and let her have the final say in how you proceed.

X

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

I cant agree with that statement.

Put yourself in the BIL's shoes. If you know and dont tell them and this comes out later, how will they react ? It will be seen as a betrayal!

And if your wife finds out you were told, you could damage your own relationship?

My advice will be to discuss with your wife, and let her have the final say in how you proceed.

X

I have to agree with the above OP, I don't like but I think the person who told has manipulated you so you've little choice but to do this. You clearly are not going to be able to deal with the wife or child so it will come out so better to do it now then down the road.

themissymoo

Once you marry, your in-laws are your family too. It'll be hard, but bring it up with your wife. Put yourself in your BIL's shoes, and consider for a moment how you'd feel raising another mans child.

I'd also recommend starting with, "look, this is something that's difficult for me to say and I wasn't sure how to do it or if I should, which is why I waited." It's best to get the fact you waited out of the way first.

zeffabelli

If you do share, make sure you present it as reported speech and not direct speech.

Lay out the context in which you were told. Do not say "your brothers child is not his," but " so and so approached me and is under the impression.... Or claims that..... "

Do not present it as fact that the child is not his, but present that someone has suggested the child is not his.

Oryx

Maybe everyone already knows. Especially if its such an open secret in work. Maybe the guy has decided to handle it this way. Or say he has no idea and you tell him, but he takes it badly and someone gets hurt. Consider for a moment that he loves this child. And they love him. Now realise that this moral wrong that you are going to put right is also an explosive device that is going to have big effects.

His wife is a slag? Fine. He may deserve to know that. But you have no idea what kind of mess youre stepping into and youd do well to consider that before doing something that cant be undone.

LegacyUser

No one is thinking of the child in this situation but I am because I was that child. Please do tell the BIL, I would have liked to have known sooner. I always knew something didn`t feel right and it has effected me. Of course I can`t speak for everyone. I know someone else who "dad" clearly isn`t and they don`t want to know and are both happy to pretend. You know these people well enough to know if they are the sort that prefer the truth or not. I hate secrets, lies and pretense so that where I come from. This is a huge decision tho and there`s no unringing that bell, it will hugely effect other people`s lives.

LegacyUser

zeffabelli wrote: »

If you do share, make sure you present it as reported speech and not direct speech.

Lay out the context in which you were told. Do not say "your brothers child is not his," but " so and so approached me and is under the impression.... Or claims that..... "

Do not present it as fact that the child is not his, but present that someone has suggested the child is not his.

some good advice here thanks

thing is I've sat on this just over two weeks and I haven't done anything about it except stress about it. I don't know if I have the heart to let this out and sometimes its the messenger that gets shot.

is this a cowards way out, maybe an anonymous tip off via a letter or text message, the more I think about it the more I just don't want to be apart of it but I cant let this go on if he doesn't know


thanks for all they replies, I still feel conflicted but there has been a little relief from having some sort of discussion about it cheers!