Extremely difficult sister

Pollypistol

Looking for some support on this matter. I only have one sibling, my sister. Growing up in the very early years things were fine between us but the teenage years were a different story. We come from a broken home. Our parents broke up when I was 17 & she was 14. She was always very sensible and I was the opposite. I suppose I acted out alot in school & hung out with the wrong crowd. On the other hand she went to college got a degree and great job, lives in a big house in a swanky area, married with 3 children. I had a child at 18 was a single parent, set up home on my own at 20. But through it all I was determined to rise above all the turmoil. I got a good job & after a few years I managed to eventually find the right guy. We bought a house, married & now I have 2 more children. Thing is my sister seems to always want this distance between us. I have always wanted to get close & have tired many times. I feel like she blames me for the unhappiness she experienced growing up. Our Dad died 11 years ago. Nothing ever brings us together. Now that we have children I thought things would be different. But no the barriers are well in place. I text her how hurt I feel about these barriers and she rang me to point out all my faults ie. I'm not there for her emotionally. I told her I am and I always listen and comment supportively when she is going through any tough times. She said yes but then you want to just talk about yourself. If I talk about myself its me relating my story to hers and making a connection. It is very hard work dealing with someone like this. How can you evrr make it with someone that just won't except eho I am. Dhe has never been there for me and I have been through some bad stuff. But she always had this distance and coolness. I really feel like im done with her and I don't think I'll ever want to make any effort with her again. Sometimes I don't know if she's jealous of me like some kind of sibling rivalry. She has been disrespectful towards me but I'm no longer going to tippy toe in fear of upsetting her. I have already told her on the recent phone call how much she had upset me in some of her disrespectful actions and I feel I have laid down some boundaries something which I have never really done before. I was in therapy for 3 years and this has helped me greatly. My sister said on the phone oh I'll be taking a step back and ill see you on occasions and be civil. My mam is hurt but there is nothing can be done unfortunately because my sister does not want to move on & clear the air. My sister told my mam that she will bring the children to my mams house for play dates with thier cousins. Sorry for the long story. I really feel like I'm in the process of completely excepting the way things are. Any views appreciated. Thanks

hattoncracker

She's under no obligation to be friends or have any sort of relationship with you just because she's a blood relative. I would imagine that your "acting out" when you were younger made it a lot harder for her to deal with her parents separation. Also she's older than you and probably would have to deal with a lot more of your parents negative emotion. She is communicating with you, she's just not giving you the answers you want so you keep going at her which is going to push her further away from you.. If its going to happen it needs to happen naturally, and you can't force her.

Her "swanky" house is something she worked hard for her and it sounds like you resent her for what she has, not the other way around. If this is the case maybe she can sense that and that makes her uncomfortable.

Maybe walk a mile in her shoes before you start writing off her feelings?

Missymoohaa

Just a small correction Hatton, the op is the older sister. Your reply imo is very harsh. Coming myself from a dysfunctional family I feel your pain. My brothers though pleasant to me bearly acknowledge me even through bad episodes of my life. I've learned to carry on regardless, I have a lovely partner and kids and I can't make my family loving and caring, they are the way they are. Concentrate on your own life and be civil when you meet, that's sll you can do.

You never know if you take a step back, your sister might step forward. If she doesn't, nothing you can do, enjoy your own family and move on. Good luck. Don't be so hard on yourself, you don't need the hassle.

Pollypistol

I'm actually the older one hattoncracker. I don't resent her for doing well and being successful financially. I just wish she wad more empathetic that I was so messed up for so long that it took me much longer to get it together and she did manage to focus on her life and do well which is marvellous. We are adults now and as mature adults we have a choice to move on and forget the past. We were kids after all.

Pollypistol

Thanks missymoohaa, sounds like you totally understand. In a way its like grieving the living....I feel like I'll be the scapegoat within my family forever. But yes I agree taking a step back is definitely the right thing to do and be civil when we meet. I feel like im healing through all of this and letting go of all my faory tale expectations. I have good friends and my relationship with my mother is loving. Self love & self care is key.

Pollypistol

Oh and how could I forget to mention I have a wonderful husband and 3 beautiful children. Its sad when people are so bitter. Life is so short, her loss!

meeeeh

I actually don't exactly understand what kind of a relationship you want. I get on very well with my brother, I see him couple of times per year, we talk businesses, se what he is working on, what we are working on, play with each other's kids and that is it. I love him, he will help me and I will help him but we will never be each other's emotional support. You and your sister grew up with different people, you made different life choices, you have probably different lifestyle. I think you are trying to force a part of relationship that really isn't there for you two to have.

Start slowly and maybe you will have some sort of a friendship around children, but you are different personalities and that is completely ok.

Missymoohaa

Pollypistol wrote: »

Thanks missymoohaa, sounds like you totally understand. In a way its like grieving the living....I feel like I'll be the scapegoat within my family forever. But yes I agree taking a step back is definitely the right thing to do and be civil when we meet. I feel like im healing through all of this and letting go of all my faory tale expectations. I have good friends and my relationship with my mother is loving. Self love & self care is key.

Indeed, I have a narcissistic mother who uses me as the scapegoat, she hasnt spoken to me in three months over a silly tantrum my daughter had because she wanted to come some where with us one day. Its ridiculous, she totally bullies my father so he doesn't speak to me either. Nothing I can do except carry on and appreciate the good people I have in my life. Its hurtful but its life. Be kind to yourself, you can choose your friends but not your family.

hattoncracker

Pollypistol wrote: »

I'm actually the older one hattoncracker. I don't resent her for doing well and being successful financially. I just wish she wad more empathetic that I was so messed up for so long that it took me much longer to get it together and she did manage to focus on her life and do well which is marvellous. We are adults now and as mature adults we have a choice to move on and forget the past. We were kids after all.

Speaking from experience, it may not be as dead to her as it is to you. You got a lot of it out of your system when you had your teenage rebel years, but she may not have. Her way of dealing may be to block the whole situation out and have minimal contact with all involved.

If that's the case then you pushing will just make her more anxious. I was involved in something extremely similar when my parents split. I don't really have much contact with my family at all bar my mum and my sis to a certain extent, because I have no connection to them. I don't care if they're my blood relatives, they're not the family I built for myself. She may have moved on by getting out and breaking free of the past, getting a good job and a good home and making her family and cutting ties from ppl who hurt her.. I know if I never saw the rest of my family again or if my dad died tomorrow it wouldn't bother me at all... And that kind of indifference comes from years of training myself not to be hurt by my family's actions. It is hard to let those defences down.

I don't think this is your fault at all, but i do think that you need to listen to what she's telling you. Why don't you stop telling her that you want a healthy relationship, and start asking her HOW to make it happen and what she needs... And then do that.

Pollypistol

Yes meeeeh I hear you. I suppose I always wished that we were closer and I don't push for it to be close like it might sound. Its just that she gives these vibes around me and my mam said she gets them too. There are children in the mix now. I know my older son has sensed theses vibes. My sister can be controlling and spiteful & everything has to be on her terms. But by me speaking up to her I think I've laid down boundaries & hopefully gained respect! I am done with it all now its so exhausting. I really just needed to vent.

Missymoohaa

hattoncracker wrote: »

Speaking from experience, it may not be as dead to her as it is to you. You got a lot of it out of your system when you had your teenage rebel years, but she may not have. Her way of dealing may be to block the whole situation out and have minimal contact with all involved.

If that's the case then you pushing will just make her more anxious. I was involved in something extremely similar when my parents split. I don't really have much contact with my family at all bar my mum and my sis to a certain extent, because I have no connection to them. I don't care if they're my blood relatives, they're not the family I built for myself. She may have moved on by getting out and breaking free of the past, getting a good job and a good home and making her family and cutting ties from ppl who hurt her.. I know if I never saw the rest of my family again or if my dad died tomorrow it wouldn't bother me at all... And that kind of indifference comes from years of training myself not to be hurt by my family's actions. It is hard to let those defences down.

I don't think this is your fault at all, but i do think that you need to listen to what she's telling you. Why don't you stop telling her that you want a healthy relationship, and start asking her HOW to make it happen and what she needs... And then do that.

Totally agree with your middle paragraph. I thought I was being cold hearted when I felt that about my own family even though I'm a softie by nature, you have made me feel better hatton, thanks. Wise words Polly from Hatton.

Pollypistol

Yes I think your advice is very good hattoncracker. However im not sure that I want to try anymore. I think im coming to terms with the reality of it all now. I don't blame myself, our home was very chaotic growing up but I also now that some people had it alot worse. We need to make the best of now. You can't put there whats not there so thankfully for myself im realising to let go & what you said is true she most likely has coped by shutting me out. I'm sorry to hear how it has been for you within your own family. But you created your own happiness which is what we all need to do.

Pollypistol

Missymoohaa wrote:

Indeed, I have a narcissistic mother who uses me as the scapegoat, she hasnt spoken to me in three months over a silly tantrum my daughter had because she wanted to come some where with us one day. Its ridiculous, she totally bullies my father so he doesn't speak to me either. Nothing I can do except carry on and appreciate the good people I have in my life. Its hurtful but its life. Be kind to yourself, you can choose your friends but not your family.

Yes Missymoohaa, I hear you about your narcissistic mother and im sorry to hear that you haven't spoken. Its horrible my mother can be very narcissistic at times but has & continues to improve on how she was when I was growing up. All we can do is learn how not to be like that with our children.

iusedtoknow

If you think of it from her perspective she was 14 and going through the turmoil of her family breaking up and you were running around with the wrong crowd - she learned to be self reliant. By the time you were 18 and she was 15 you had a child which meant that your priorities changed to the child, and perhaps to still hanging out with your wrong crowd friends. You moved out at 20 and set up a home when she was 17/18 and going through the Leaving.

She learned to be reliant on herself and made her own way through life without her older sister. Things don't just automatically get better just because you both have kids or the house. Familial relationships are built on years of being in and out of each others lives and years of closeness.

You need to find a way of resetting or rebooting the relationship without the level of expectations of another set of siblings that have perhaps always been close.

hattoncracker

Pollypistol wrote: »

Yes I think your advice is very good hattoncracker. However im not sure that I want to try anymore. I think im coming to terms with the reality of it all now. I don't blame myself, our home was very chaotic growing up but I also now that some people had it alot worse. We need to make the best of now. You can't put there whats not there so thankfully for myself im realising to let go & what you said is true she most likely has coped by shutting me out. I'm sorry to hear how it has been for you within your own family. But you created your own happiness which is what we all need to do.

If you don't want to continue to try polly, then don't Try.. It is not your fault, you have given this your best shot and you know you have, so you can be at peace with that. Leave it to her to make a move if she wants to in the future, you've done all you can. The next bit is up to her. Xx

Dial Hard

Tbh, your first post is filled with language that makes me think you're far more jealous than she is of you.

Pollypistol wrote:

I just wish she wad more empathetic that I was so messed up for so long that it took me much longer to get it together and she did manage to focus on her life and do well.

The thing is, not once in any of your posts have you given any consideration to how messed up she was and how sge felt throughout the period in question. You seem to think that because she did well academically and professionally and has a "swanky" house that she just sailed through her teens while you struggled and because of that, she owes you empathy. Have you ever actually considered that maybe she was just as lost as you were and her way of dealing with it was to be "perfect"? She may very well think you were just as unsupportive and lacking in empathy and this is why she has no interest in being your friend now.

I hate to be harsh, OP, but your posts all focus you, how you feel, how hard you found your teenage years, how her actions are hurting you. I think you need to drop that sense of entitlement if you have any hope of building the relationship with your sister you seem to want.

Pollypistol

Dial Hard im not jealous. We both came from the same home, same parents but were effected drifferently. Of course she is badly damaged. The whole narcissistic mother scapegoat child and golden child were all at play and none of it was nice for either of us. My point is how sad it is as adults that we can't just move on. But it is what it is and ill make the best of now and I wish her love and hope she heals in her own way. You probably don't understand these dynamics if you haven't lived through a chaotic dysfunctional home which led to a broken home. It has clearly destroyed any chance me and my sister having a healthy relationship.

Dial Hard

Pollypistol wrote:

You probably don't understand these dynamics if you haven't lived through a chaotic dysfunctional home which led to a broken home. It has clearly destroyed any chance me and my sister having a healthy relationship.

I have my own, if very different, issues with a difficult sister.

But if you genuinely think that you have no chance of a healthy* relationship wih her, then you need to accept that and move on. But in your posts you keep vacillating between "I want to be friends with her" and "I'm done, she can go and sh*te". Which is it? You're clearly not happy with the status quo, bravado aside.

*I actually think your relationship is pretty good, from an outside perspective. It's just not what you want. But you need to prepare yourself for the fact that you may never get the relationship you want.

Pollypistol

Dial Hard wrote:

But if you genuinely think that you have no chance of a healthy* relationship wih her, then you need to accept that and move on. But in your posts you keep vacillating between "I want to be friends with her" and "I'm done, she can go and sh*te". Which is it? You're clearly not happy with the status quo, bravado aside.

That's why I posted on here originally because its easier to talk to strangers sometimes. I suppose I'm in the process of letting go of the fantasy relationship I would have hoped for & I just needed some views from people to help me through the transition. I will make the best of what is left to work with & our kids will see each other. Thank you for taking the time to give your opion Dial Hard

Taltos

mod note
Hi OP
per our charter posters are asked not to open multiple threads in a short space of time. As you already have one family dynamic thread open I am closing this one. Please take five minutes to read our charter, we are quite strict about the charter here so its in your own interest as normally all threads would be closed at this point.