what to do

smiler085

Hi all will try to keep it short. Found out my soon to be ex was seeing a woman also married from work. Not enough time to go into that but we are getting divorced. Now I don't care that they still see each other as she doesn't have a clue what he's like when he goes off. There have been issues with Domestic violence. My issue is this,
He gave our daughter a necklace no box or nothing whipped it out his pocket. Now here's the thing it looked familiar I knew I'd seen it before on the married woman's neck on FB its not her account but another family members.
I'm obviously pi......I mean the audacity to give our daughter that cows necklace rub it in my face some more, really am I crazy could someone be so stupid.
Did she give it to him to give our daughter or did she accidentally leave it at his place and maybe told her husband she's lost it so my ex gives to our kid.
I'm so angry I really just want to take it down to her house and tell her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
How would you react ?? at the moment I'm thinking it thru but the odds of him getting the exact same necklace I don't see it....
Thanks for reading😭😭😔

PinkLemonade

You shouldn't know it's her necklace in the first place, it's either a genuine gift or some sneaky mind game, either way you need to drop it

amdublin

I don't think it's any business of yours what your soon to be ex gives your daughter.

You need to focus on yourself now and not your ex and his bit on the side.

Sounds like you are well rid of him. Don't go down to his level and say nothing about the necklace.

How did you see it on her anyway??

Meauldsegosha

Unless the necklace is a one-of-a-kind you don't know that it is the same necklace. Maybe your ex saw it on this woman, thought his daughter would like it and bought an identical one.

smiler085

amdublin wrote: »

I don't think it's any business of yours what your soon to be ex gives your daughter.

You need to focus on yourself now and not your ex and his bit on the side.

Sounds like you are well rid of him. Don't go down to his level and say nothing about the necklace.

How did you see it on her anyway??

Thanks for the reply. You right it is none of my business but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt its not something I would do. She has a photo on Facebook and you can see her wearing it.

amdublin

smiler085 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. You right it is none of my business but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt its not something I would do. She has a photo on Facebook and you can see her wearing it.

Ok. Of course this hurts. I am sorry you are hurting.

If you react do you think it will make you feel any less hurt?

Stay away from fb and looking at her on fb!!!

smiler085

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Unless the necklace is a one-of-a-kind you don't know that it is the same necklace. Maybe your ex saw it on this woman, thought his daughter would like it and bought an identical one.

I thought about that but I doubt it. This is the same woman he was seeing behind my back not some random work mate.

njs030

I say this on all of these threads- your relationship with your ex isn't the same as your daughter's.
The point being her dad gave HER a necklace which probably made her feel happy and loved, it's not up to you to drag her into your problems by taking it off her and making it a reason to fight with him. I understand you're hurt but it's not actually about you and you have enough battles to fight.

Be the bigger person, don't interfere in her relationship with her father and for your own sake stop looking at the woman on Facebook- blocking her might be a good idea until your not so upset.

amdublin

smiler085 wrote: »

I thought about that but I doubt it. This is the same woman he was seeing behind my back not some random work mate.

You are well rid of him. Have nothing to do with either of them and the silly necklace.

smiler085

notjustsweet wrote: »

I say this on all of these threads- your relationship with your ex isn't the same as your daughter's.
The point being her dad gave HER a necklace which probably made her feel happy and loved, it's not up to you to drag her into your problems by taking it off her and making it a reason to fight with him. I understand you're hurt but it's not actually about you and you have enough battles to fight.

Be the bigger person, don't interfere in her relationship with her father and for your own sake stop looking at the woman on Facebook- blocking her might be a good idea until your not so upset.

Thanks
I'm not one of those who interfere in my daughters relationship with him she's 19 and they were fine till a few years ago when he assaulted me in front of the kids and she tried standing up to him and he hit her that's when I drew the line and applied for a divorce. I was willing to forgive his affair but hitting our daughter wasn't something I was willing to let him get away with....
I didn't drag my daughter into this he did by giving her this woman's necklace.( she is still married ).
Im not looking for an argument with him as I don't talk to him unless it concerns the kids. I was just disgusted I guess at the audacity of it.

Magicmatilda

Its awful that you were in an abusive relationship and it must have been very upsetting and hurtful for him to have had an affair.

However you must be separated for over 4 years to get a divorce so you must be seperated from him for quite a while.

You really need to work on your feelings and moving on from this, as you donlt appear to have moved on. If you had it would not bother you that he gave your daughter her necklace. Either way that is between him and your daughter and is nothing to do with you.

What have you done to move one?

Counselling might help.

Checking her on facebook definietly won't.

desbrook

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Its awful that you were in an abusive relationship and it must have been very upsetting and hurtful for him to have had an affair.

However you must be separated for over 4 years to get a divorce so you must be seperated from him for quite a while.

You really need to work on your feelings and moving on from this, as you donlt appear to have moved on. If you had it would not bother you that he gave your daughter her necklace. Either way that is between him and your daughter and is nothing to do with you.

What have you done to move one?

Counselling might help.

Checking her on facebook definietly won't.

OP may live in Northern Ireland though ....

orthsquel

smiler085 wrote: »

I mean the audacity to give our daughter that cows necklace rub it in my face some more

smiler085 wrote: »

I'm so angry I really just want to take it down to her house and tell her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

smiler085 wrote: »

I didn't drag my daughter into this he did by giving her this woman's necklace.( she is still married ).
Im not looking for an argument with him as I don't talk to him unless it concerns the kids. I was just disgusted I guess at the audacity of it.

Your daughter is an adult. It is entirely up to her whether she accepts or rejects a gift such as this - essentially a token trinket pulled out of a pocket, probably not with her in mind - and really the matter of such a gift and the way it is done is going to be between your daughter and her father.

You feel you are getting your face rubbed in it, suspecting that it is a necklace formerly belonging to the woman he cheated with. Your anger should be really because it's a crappy gift and that your daughter deserves better. Even if he is playing a game (whether he knows it or not) to upset you or buy his daughter off then it's necessary for you to not respond. Your core concern should be the welfare of your daughter and how he treats her, rather than spending energy being upset that a trinket was given to your daughter specifically to get at you. Even if that was his intention, you need to see that it is a means to bait you for a reaction that you should not provide.

You need to take a step back. A big step back. You need to realise that your daughter, her father and the necklace is one issue. Your hurt about the other woman he had an affair with is an entirely separate issue. But the necklace being given to your daughter has really nothing to do with you (despite feeling it is done to goad you), despite perhaps what a crummy trinket it might be and poorly presented and that she deserves better.

Your daughter is an adult now, she will have to make her own decisions about her father, including any gestures and gifts for her from him. You have to understand that even if you can accuse your ex of involving your daughter in this, you also have a responsibility to ensure that your daughter is not involved... and doing what your knee jerk reaction of taking it off her and giving it back to that woman (even just a thought) is you involving your daughter directly into a conflict between you, her father and this other woman. And that isn't fair on your daughter.

So what to do? Absolutely nothing. Except 1 thing and that is what is already suggested, block this other woman on facebook for the sake of your own mental and emotional health. If you are struggling to cope with feelings about it all, then it is best that you contact someone, a friend, familiy member, a counsellor and talk out what you are feeling.

smiler085

orthsquel wrote: »

Your daughter is an adult. It is entirely up to her whether she accepts or rejects a gift such as this - essentially a token trinket pulled out of a pocket, probably not with her in mind - and really the matter of such a gift and the way it is done is going to be between your daughter and her father.

You feel you are getting your face rubbed in it, suspecting that it is a necklace formerly belonging to the woman he cheated with. Your anger should be really because it's a crappy gift and that your daughter deserves better. Even if he is playing a game (whether he knows it or not) to upset you or buy his daughter off then it's necessary for you to not respond. Your core concern should be the welfare of your daughter and how he treats her, rather than spending energy being upset that a trinket was given to your daughter specifically to get at you. Even if that was his intention, you need to see that it is a means to bait you for a reaction that you should not provide.

You need to take a step back. A big step back. You need to realise that your daughter, her father and the necklace is one issue. Your hurt about the other woman he had an affair with is an entirely separate issue. But the necklace being given to your daughter has really nothing to do with you (despite feeling it is done to goad you), despite perhaps what a crummy trinket it might be and poorly presented and that she deserves better.

Your daughter is an adult now, she will have to make her own decisions about her father, including any gestures and gifts for her from him. You have to understand that even if you can accuse your ex of involving your daughter in this, you also have a responsibility to ensure that your daughter is not involved... and doing what your knee jerk reaction of taking it off her and giving it back to that woman (even just a thought) is you involving your daughter directly into a conflict between you, her father and this other woman. And that isn't fair on your daughter.

So what to do? Absolutely nothing. Except 1 thing and that is what is already suggested, block this other woman on facebook for the sake of your own mental and emotional health. If you are struggling to cope with feelings about it all, then it is best that you contact someone, a friend, familiy member, a counsellor and talk out what you are feeling.

Thank you
I did take a small step back this time as I didn't react and thought I'd rather post on boards than have a go at him.
Counseling is the next step
I have a lot of anger and you're right its between my daughter and him .
Thanks for the advice and taking the time to reply

mbradso2003

smiler085 wrote: »

Thanks
I'm not one of those who interfere in my daughters relationship with him she's 19 and they were fine till a few years ago when he assaulted me in front of the kids and she tried standing up to him and he hit her that's when I drew the line and applied for a divorce. I was willing to forgive his affair but hitting our daughter wasn't something I was willing to let him get away with....
I didn't drag my daughter into this he did by giving her this woman's necklace.( she is still married ).
Im not looking for an argument with him as I don't talk to him unless it concerns the kids. I was just disgusted I guess at the audacity of it.

Wow OP you're really truly lucky to be rid of this awful gob****e.

Can only echo advise already given, ignore the other woman/women let them deal with this fantastic catch of a man.

Your daughter wont be easily bought off with necklace regardless of its origins.

Keep head up, try and keep busy and concentrate and good things in your life!

amdublin

smiler085 wrote: »

Thank you
I did take a small step back this time as I didn't react and thought I'd rather post on boards than have a go at him.
Counseling is the next step
I have a lot of anger and you're right its between my daughter and him .
Thanks for the advice and taking the time to reply

I think you will find counselling will help you alot for now amd the future. And it'll certainly help you feel less pain

Take care of yourself.

Sinall

You poor thing OP. I'm sure it really stung when you realised that was the same necklace. In an ideal world we'd all be able to react rationally and calmly all the time but I'm sure everyone here has had situations where they've felt shocked or disgusted or angry, despite wishing they didn't. We're all human, not machines. Of course you want to be able to separate out your feelings but sometimes it's not that easy. Well done for posting here instead of reacting to your ex.

It really does sound like you are well rid of him. Unsurprisingly it has left you with some issues to work through. Counselling is a great idea - it'll help you to deal with everything in a supported way and you'll be amazed at the strides you make. It will help to you sort through and understand the emotions you are feeling with the divorce coming up.

Also, look after yourself. Make sure you spend time enjoying the things you like to do and be kind to yourself.

Best of luck OP.

sm213

smiler085 wrote: »

Thank you
I did take a small step back this time as I didn't react and thought I'd rather post on boards than have a go at him.
Counseling is the next step
I have a lot of anger and you're right its between my daughter and him .
Thanks for the advice and taking the time to reply

The anger towards someone who does what he did is hard to let go of, as is that fear.
3 years down the line I still have nightmares and wake up scared and then angry that someone could affect me that way.
I understand completely.
He probably is playing gamew if thats the kind of person he is.
Rise above it pretend you haven't a clue about its origin.
Block your one on fb too.