Anxious and afraid

LegacyUser

Ok so i am in my early 20s and have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for the past 2 years and i just feel hopeless and afraid about what to do.

Basically my problems started approximately 2 years ago when i had a major panic attack in a college lecture. I had not slept well the night before (due to a music from house party in the apartment below mine) and consequently i was very tired going into college the next day. I went into my 1st lecture and about 10 mins in, i started feeling very light-headed and i got hot flushes, blurry vision and started sweating profusely. I knew i had to leave, and i got up and made for the exit. The panic attack was so bad that i felt very un-coordnated and felt like i was stumbling as i moved towards the door. I just made it out the door and then...well i blacked out/fainted. I woke up/came to on the floor outside the lecture hall, a few people saw me on the ground but nobody came to help and i just picked myself up and went to the bathroom where i stayed until the end of the lecture. I constantly think back to this day and live in constant fear that i will faint again.

My life has been hugely affected since the day of the incident. I now suffer from extreme anxiety all the time which initially occurred only when i was attending college lectures but has since spread to affect many other elements of my life. The fear that i will have a panic attack and faint influences my life hugely. I am now anxious before every college lecture and i now dread situations where i cant escape easily or when in very crowded places where i feel claustrophobic. Just being in a public place is makes me anxious. Other examples include attending mass, weddings, meetings, team-talks in dressing rooms before sports matches and family get togethers. I have had panic attacks while at all of these places int he past year and i have collapsed twice more since my intial panic attack. The fact that i faint during panic attacks is incredibly hard to deal with. I can no longer do any of these activities without the need for medication. I have also developed a sensitivity to loud sounds and bright lights which is very difficult to deal with in college where phones are constantly going off. Also people whispering in lectures affects me greatly and makes me feel incredibly anxious.

I have tried to tackle my anxiety with counseling, CBT and hypnotherapy but things are worse than ever with my anxiety. I am now on Lyrica which i have been taking for approx 8 months but i absolutely hate the stuff. Sure, it helps to calm me down some bit (not completely) but the fact that i have to rely i medication just to make me normal makes me feel absolutely terrible. I want to be able to live my life without relying on medication to make me normal. I feel incredibly unhappy and hopeless about my anxiety and i feel depressed all the time. I very rarely laugh anymore and i now have a very short temper with those closest to me. I know that i am taking my frustration out on them which of course i should'nt be doing. They have always been there to try and help me and i have spoken openly to them about my anxiety.

To be honest, i think all of my problems stem from attending college. I have always been a home-bird and love being at home with my family. I had to move away for college but i am always terribly homesick and every week i count down the days until Friday so that i can go home. College genuinely feels likes a prison to me. Also, being used to life in the rural countryside, it was a huge culture shock for me and i absolutely hate the hustle and bustle of city life. I long for the weekends where i can return to the countryside and clear my head. Friday evenings when i get home is one of the few times every week that i feel genuinely happy.

To make matters worse i am pursuing a college degree in a teaching course and anxiety affects me hugely everyday. I am about to enter a year of placement where i will be teaching secondary school students everyday in the classroom and i well just feel hopeless. I have been dreading it all summer and i have actively tried to about thinking about it. I really feel that i wont make it through the year. I have somehow managed to scrape through presentations for the past 2 years but i just feel like i will be unable to cope. My anxiety has been building for the past few weeks and i just know that a major panic attack is just around the corner. The thoughts of being in a room with 30 students worries me incredibly. What will happen if i collapse?

On top of all that, this is my 2nd college course as i initially did a course that i did'nt like and dropped out at the end of first year. I picked a teaching course because i thought it would be easy (very stupid in hindsight) as i was incredibly worried about failing as i struggles majorly with my first course. I consequently had to pay fees (for 1 year) and have alot of time and money wasted in this course. I never had an interest in teaching when i was younger and i cant believe i was stupid enough to pick a teaching course which i am now stuck in. I have absolutely no intention of being a teacher in 5 years time and i feel like i am stuck in a course that i absolutely hate. The only reason i have'nt dropped out so far is pressure from my parents and also the chance that i would be able to do a post grad in an area that does interest me - computing/programming. I would like to pursue a career in this area and i am kicking myself that i didnt do a course in this area from day one. I will be honest and say that online reviews that stated the course was very hard worried me and consequently made me choose something else.

At the end of the day i just want to be happy with life. I see everyone else in my college course and just think to myself why can't i be like them? I am seriously considering taking a year out as i feel like a year of placement could push me into a very dark place with regards to my own mental health. I am also thinking of just dropping out of college and attending a college in my home town which could but that would mean starting in 1st year again. I have already spent 4 years in college and this would be the 3rd course i do. Fees would also be problematic.

I would greatly appreciate any advice that people could give me.

LegacyUser

I feel your pain anonymous.
I'm in my late 20s and have been recently diagnosed with epilepsy. I have always had anxiety issues since I can remember and tbh the epilepsy has made it worse (even though I've only had two grand mals in my life)I am terrified of having a seizure in public which at first made me avoid public places altogether but what kind of a life is that?
I'm slowly trying to push myself to do things that make me a bit nervous. Something as simple as going to a shop by myself. It sounds silly, but building your confidence up slowly does work. It just takes time.
However it won't change if you don't work on it. It may be a slow process with setbacks but give it time.

coolcat63

Why on earth are you putting yourself through all this misery? You aren't 'stuck' in anything - leave college, go travelling, work in a factory, drop out - do anything other that torture yourself, day in, day out. Talk to your parents - tell them honestly how you feel and what you really want to do; it doesn't have to be academic.

orthsquel

anonymous_512 wrote: »

I just made it out the door and then...well i blacked out/fainted. I woke up/came to on the floor outside the lecture hall, a few people saw me on the ground but nobody came to help and i just picked myself up and went to the bathroom where i stayed until the end of the lecture. I constantly think back to this day and live in constant fear that i will faint again.

Out of all that stood out the most. You were in a public place, people passed you but nobody stopped to help you, or check if you were ok... and you have been thinking about that ever since? I can understand then why you would be anxious in public places for the fear that not that should you faint, but that if anything happened, nobody will come to help you, or check on you to see if you are alright. I think probably you need to acknowledge that you are worth helping and that people do help others, rather than step over them or pass them by when they need help. And sometimes it can be really, really hard to see the good in others when around you are confronted by an apathy of the passers-by, but they are there. Have you friends in your courses, people that you can rely on? Or are the people you can rely on to be there for you all at home?

On college... if you feel you are struggling now with a course in teaching and know that you have no interest in it, but are just doing it for the sake of doing something, I would suggest that you don't further waste your time on it, just for the sake of it, or just to have something to show for the years at college. It doesn't matter what course you do, or feel you should be doing, you should be doing something that you want, not what you feel you should be doing.

anonymous_512 wrote: »

The only reason i have'nt dropped out so far is pressure from my parents and also the chance that i would be able to do a post grad in an area that does interest me - computing/programming. I would like to pursue a career in this area and i am kicking myself that i didnt do a course in this area from day one.

Have you looked into ICT courses or computer courses offered in various other PLCs and other places? Dept of Social Protection heavily promotes ICT Conversion courses for the unemployed through Momentum and Springboard through various providers, and perhaps the providers of these courses you should be looking into and see if you are eligible for similar courses for full time students, or even in adult education, part time or night classes as a registered student (as opposed to someone unemployed upskilling to meet market demand gaps).

anonymous_512 wrote: »

I am seriously considering taking a year out as i feel like a year of placement could push me into a very dark place with regards to my own mental health.

Your mental health is more important than anything. Do your parents know what you have been experiencing with the anxiety and how you are generally feeling? I'll say it again - your mental health is more important than anything. Dealing with your own mental health should be the priority, everything else, tbh comes second to that.

black_magic

anonymous_512 wrote: »

Ok so i am in my early 20s and have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for the past 2 years and i just feel hopeless and afraid about what to do.

Basically my problems started approximately 2 years ago when i had a major panic attack in a college lecture. I had not slept well the night before (due to a music from house party in the apartment below mine) and consequently i was very tired going into college the next day. I went into my 1st lecture and about 10 mins in, i started feeling very light-headed and i got hot flushes, blurry vision and started sweating profusely. I knew i had to leave, and i got up and made for the exit. The panic attack was so bad that i felt very un-coordnated and felt like i was stumbling as i moved towards the door. I just made it out the door and then...well i blacked out/fainted. I woke up/came to on the floor outside the lecture hall, a few people saw me on the ground but nobody came to help and i just picked myself up and went to the bathroom where i stayed until the end of the lecture. I constantly think back to this day and live in constant fear that i will faint again.

My life has been hugely affected since the day of the incident. I now suffer from extreme anxiety all the time which initially occurred only when i was attending college lectures but has since spread to affect many other elements of my life. The fear that i will have a panic attack and faint influences my life hugely. I am now anxious before every college lecture and i now dread situations where i cant escape easily or when in very crowded places where i feel claustrophobic. Just being in a public place is makes me anxious. Other examples include attending mass, weddings, meetings, team-talks in dressing rooms before sports matches and family get togethers. I have had panic attacks while at all of these places int he past year and i have collapsed twice more since my intial panic attack. The fact that i faint during panic attacks is incredibly hard to deal with. I can no longer do any of these activities without the need for medication. I have also developed a sensitivity to loud sounds and bright lights which is very difficult to deal with in college where phones are constantly going off. Also people whispering in lectures affects me greatly and makes me feel incredibly anxious.

I have tried to tackle my anxiety with counseling, CBT and hypnotherapy but things are worse than ever with my anxiety. I am now on Lyrica which i have been taking for approx 8 months but i absolutely hate the stuff. Sure, it helps to calm me down some bit (not completely) but the fact that i have to rely i medication just to make me normal makes me feel absolutely terrible. I want to be able to live my life without relying on medication to make me normal. I feel incredibly unhappy and hopeless about my anxiety and i feel depressed all the time. I very rarely laugh anymore and i now have a very short temper with those closest to me. I know that i am taking my frustration out on them which of course i should'nt be doing. They have always been there to try and help me and i have spoken openly to them about my anxiety.

To be honest, i think all of my problems stem from attending college. I have always been a home-bird and love being at home with my family. I had to move away for college but i am always terribly homesick and every week i count down the days until Friday so that i can go home. College genuinely feels likes a prison to me. Also, being used to life in the rural countryside, it was a huge culture shock for me and i absolutely hate the hustle and bustle of city life. I long for the weekends where i can return to the countryside and clear my head. Friday evenings when i get home is one of the few times every week that i feel genuinely happy.

To make matters worse i am pursuing a college degree in a teaching course and anxiety affects me hugely everyday. I am about to enter a year of placement where i will be teaching secondary school students everyday in the classroom and i well just feel hopeless. I have been dreading it all summer and i have actively tried to about thinking about it. I really feel that i wont make it through the year. I have somehow managed to scrape through presentations for the past 2 years but i just feel like i will be unable to cope. My anxiety has been building for the past few weeks and i just know that a major panic attack is just around the corner. The thoughts of being in a room with 30 students worries me incredibly. What will happen if i collapse?

On top of all that, this is my 2nd college course as i initially did a course that i did'nt like and dropped out at the end of first year. I picked a teaching course because i thought it would be easy (very stupid in hindsight) as i was incredibly worried about failing as i struggles majorly with my first course. I consequently had to pay fees (for 1 year) and have alot of time and money wasted in this course. I never had an interest in teaching when i was younger and i cant believe i was stupid enough to pick a teaching course which i am now stuck in. I have absolutely no intention of being a teacher in 5 years time and i feel like i am stuck in a course that i absolutely hate. The only reason i have'nt dropped out so far is pressure from my parents and also the chance that i would be able to do a post grad in an area that does interest me - computing/programming. I would like to pursue a career in this area and i am kicking myself that i didnt do a course in this area from day one. I will be honest and say that online reviews that stated the course was very hard worried me and consequently made me choose something else.

At the end of the day i just want to be happy with life. I see everyone else in my college course and just think to myself why can't i be like them? I am seriously considering taking a year out as i feel like a year of placement could push me into a very dark place with regards to my own mental health. I am also thinking of just dropping out of college and attending a college in my home town which could but that would mean starting in 1st year again. I have already spent 4 years in college and this would be the 3rd course i do. Fees would also be problematic.

I would greatly appreciate any advice that people could give me.

I really can empathise with you. I've spent nearly a decade of my life struggling with anxiety and absolutely terrifying panic attacks. I have always been abit of a nervous/worrying/anxiety-prone girl: not sleeping the night before exams, fear of presentations and speaking in front of people, socially awkward in large groups, that kind of thing. Although my heart would race and my hands get clammy, I never ever had a full blown panic attack. Up until my early twenties, I had no idea what a real panic attack was, just from the American TV shows. The victim panics, hyperventilates, and within seconds a brown paper bag appears and everything is fine!

My anxiety escalated after I lost some of my family tragically. I started getting panic attacks during lectures afew weeks into my third year of college. I was worried about dying suddenly like my close family did. To make matters worse, I was studying anatomy as part of my degree - so I had to dissect corpses, which I found very traumatic. I went to the college counsellor, without telling anyone (the stigma attached to mental health was greater 10 years ago than it is today). I hated it. I didnt like telling a stranger about my personal issues. I didn't return and when I found myself out of options, i decided to defer until the next year and sort myself out. In hindsight, I should have sought more help - friends, family, counselling, psychologist, psychiatrist, CBT, just someone to talk to.

To cut a long story short - I led quite a safe, sheltered life, for the next few years. Eventually got back into full-time employment, long-term boyfriend, everything was going OK - even though I still felt anxious alot of the time, I was distracted. Due to mounting pressure and social anxiety in work, and stressful relationships, I started having panic attacks again. Driving home from work late at night, staying at home alone, even going for a shower with nobody in the house would bring on a panic attack. I was angry, an emotional mess, crying everyday, up and down all of the time. Looking back I was a nightmare for my friends and family, and I have done and said things I can never take back.

Anyway, I decided to try a counsellor again, who then referred me to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT). This was my first positive step towards overcoming my illness. I spent 5 years on and off attending CBT, it worked very well to help me manage my panic attacks and improve my quality of life. But I had to keep going back, it was like I needed booster or top-up sessions everytime something stressful came into my life. This was OK in my books - I was coping without having to take medication, despite numerous requests from my doctor/psychiatrist.

I didn't go back to college the following year, but I did returned several years later and graduated last year. I eventually had to go on medication (Seroxat), I couldn't manage the attacks myself, I was putting myself and others in danger - fainting while driving, not being able to stay in my own home alone, terrified that I was going to dye suddenly. The meds completely killed the panic, and I can say that I am free of them for over two years now. There are downsides to the meds though - I feel quite sleepy/zombie-like some days, but I'll usually go for a run and that seems to counter the effect of the meds.

I am now just finishing off my masters, and after a full year of lectures and presentations, I can honestly say that I probably wouldn't have got through it without the meds, they have given me my life back. I had so much stress and anxiety building up for years and years, that I just couldn't manage it myself, and thats OK. It took me a long time to admit that I was sick and I needed help. Now I don't intend to stay on them forever, in fact I am hoping to wean myself off them in afew months. But I would recommend them to anyone who has tried CBT, talking to family and friends, and is still struggling to cope.

Can I just end first of all by apologising for the long windedness! Secondly, I turned 30 this year and I am by no means a 'wise old dear'..I am simply offering some insight from my own personal experience, in the hope that it might help you or make you feel better in some small way. Life will throw you many challenges and this is one big one for you to overcome, and you will. You have so many opportunities and choices that YOU can make, sure you want to keep your parents happy, and not fall behind your friends, but you have to take the time to think of you. A smart man once said,
"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not people or objects" (Albert Einstein)

Ps. Don't be afraid to PM. Whatever it is, I've probably been there!

LegacyUser

Hi op,
I know what you mean. Having always been a worrier even as a child, anxiety plays a part in everything I do. I am also in college, going into third year and it fills me with dread everyday. I hate it. Not the course itself, I enjoy the content and what we are learning. Just the environment I hate. But I have two years left and I will not let anxiety win.

A couple of techniques I use for lectures, always sit on the edge of the row near the exit. Have a notebook in front of you writing down what the lecturer is saying or what you are thinking. Also breathing techniques.

For teaching placement, next year. If you really feel you can't defer for a year. You have the opportunity to go back then.

Look I know your afraid of fainting, but if you faint what's the worst that can happen. Yes it's embrassing, I have a fear of getting sick on public so I know. But that's it, it's social embrassment but the world doesn't end and the majority of people really don't care.

Just out if curiosity if you fainted in a lecture and you were sitting down surely it would just look like you were asleep? Plenty of people sleep in my lectures.