Stag planning woes

LegacyUser

Hi,

I feel a little foolish posting this for many reasons. Let me try set the scene, I'm planning my stag later in the year and it's likely it will be 5-6 ppl in total. I've a small set of close friends, no brothers or extended cousins that I'd be close to (very few are male and most of them lived far away all my life so never bonded with them in any ways). My other half is probably the other end of the spectrum, 30+ going to the hen, very close to the cousins, different groups of friends ...etc. Our families are very different, hers are very close to each other and very sociable, they always are meeting up and having large gatherings and they are all very successful in different ways, jobs, sporting achievements, family happiness...etc.

(Getting to the problem)
Personally I've always had issues comparing myself to her and I guess makes me feel sad at times that I'm not like that and I feel like I don't fit in. She has a few brothers that while we get on when we meet at family gatherings we would not meet up or do things outside of that. I kinda feel very inadequate around them, they have large groups of friends and their stags were like huge with 20-30 ppl away for the weekend.

My problem is that while I feel I have an obligation to invite them I don't want to and it's not because I don't like them, I just feel like they'll be judging it and how **** it is because it's so small and they might think i'm some loser for only having a small set of friends. But also as I mentioned I feel like when I'm around them the conversation is kinda forced, they make little small talk with me and looking back I'm pretty sure I'm normally the one asking them how their weekend was, how work was going, did you see the match...etc. They are kinda the funny ones, always cracking jokes, I guess i wouldn't be as witty so maybe that's why we differ, i dunno. I'm actually having sleepness night about this (which is quite embarrassing as I'm a proud person and I keep all this inside).

So what do you think, do you think it would reflect badly on myself if I did not invite them? Because my group is so small, they would make up a good portion of the group (there are 3 of them).

gotasmoke

It's your stag. You're probably only going to have 1, right? Only invite the people that you want and feel comfortable with.

Exclamation Marc

You could always have two stags, or one real stag and a night out stag.

My mate had his proper stag in Edinburgh with about 10-12 people, absolutely brilliant weekend and he only invited his best mates, no deadwood or 'forced invites'. That weekend had all the cool stuff like karting, drinking games, meals.

Then when we got back he had a 'night out' stag and invited 20 or so people, and just went to a few pubs around town, really nothing spectacular at all. It meant he fulfilled the obligation of inviting those he had to but the real stag was for his mates. I think he even faded away after a few drinks and disappeared early but nobody cared as all his real mates enjoyed the real stag And I guess the 'other' mates, he probably couldn't have cared less what they thought.

Lux23

Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to get to know her brothers, they may feel you have no interest in getting to know them?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thank you for the posts. I know it would be an opportunity but I guess the mental blocker and insecurity i'm carrying is that I feel that we have tried the get to know each other thing and it hasn't worked. Maybe I'm sending out signals that i'm not aware of or maybe i'm overthinking this ... but either way it's making me feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't know why, but it really bothers me that I think they will judge it and it won't live up to their standards of a "good night out".

thanks

helimachoptor

yeah op, probably the best stag i was on was with 4 other people, we went to hamburg and it was ace.

trust me you you are better off having 3/4/5 really good friends there than loads.

On my own there was 15 i think
Brother
6 very good friends
2 Brothers in law/boyfriends
Wifes 45 year old cousin (who out partied us all :P)
Couple of stragglers

you cant keep everyone happy in a group that size tbh


If i was making cuts, it would the below

Brother
6 very good friends
1 brother in law

tldr: quality over quantity anyday, this is your last hurah before getting married

Sunflower 27

I think you are waaaay over thinking this.

Have the stag YOU want and stop feeling as if you have to be dictated to.

Decide what you want and leave it at that. Stop trying to please everyone at the expense of yourself.

LegacyUser

Op do you even want to have a stag? It's your choice you know. I didn't have a hen cus I just didn't want one - couple of cousins made a moan about it and I just told them they could go have one in my honour if they wanted one so bad , other half had a stag with about 10 friends who went off for the weekend. In a few weeks I'm going to a 'hen' for one of my best friends and it's going to be just 3 of us….she's a very out going and popular girl whose go loads of sisters/cousins/friends but she doesn't want a big thing, she just wanted to spend a day with myself and another very close friend. I've male friends whose 'stags' I've gone to cus they invited me. Do what you want not what people expect. I'm sure your OH is marrying you for you and not for something you pretend to be so go with your gut.

fits

Well I am going to give another point of view. From what you have posted it seems like the issue is mostly yours in terms of feeling inadequate. You may need to work on that. Nevertheless, weddings (and stag nights as part of that) are about building relationships and joining of two families. Its not your last hurrah. The world doesnt end when you get married. Why don't you have the night or weekend you want with your close friends anyway? And then invite her brothers to the official stag. You can keep it very simple. Eg for my hen we went kayaking and had a dinner party afterwards. I also went to a music festival with close friends some weeks before (minus himself but not a hen).

jaykay74

Have the stag you want and go out for a few pints with the brothers on another night.

whiskeyman

Have you talked to your fiancee about this at all?
I'd hope she's supportive?
Do you have any sisters, and are they going on her hens?

I agree that a stag should really be quality over quantity.
Do you think the brothers even want to go on your stag anyway?

robbiezero

AnxiousStag wrote: »

Hi,

Thank you for the posts. I know it would be an opportunity but I guess the mental blocker and insecurity i'm carrying is that I feel that we have tried the get to know each other thing and it hasn't worked. Maybe I'm sending out signals that i'm not aware of or maybe i'm overthinking this ... but either way it's making me feel extremely uncomfortable. I don't know why, but it really bothers me that I think they will judge it and it won't live up to their standards of a "good night out".

thanks

Just because it is a small stag doesn't mean it won't be a good night out. You might have great fun with them in a more relaxed environment. Been on a good few stags myself, all with fairly big crowds, and years on I can hardly remember which was which, they were all the same.
It's only a night out anyway, they won't be expecting a re-run of the Hangover film and if they are sound, funny lads they will probably add to it.

zoobizoo

I refuse to go on stags unless I am close to the stag. My brother felt obliged to go to his brother in law's stag party and ended up spending a few hundred quid on flights, hotel booze just to keep his own wife happy. He had no interest in going and wished that he hadn't been invited. Maybe they don't want to go to yours anyway.

I don't equate numbers on a stag to popularity. The bigger the stag the ****ter the night in my opinion. It turns in to lowest common denominator stuff. Just because someone

Best stag I was at was 7 us out for dinner in a private dining area of a restaurnat and then pints afterwards. No idiots, no in laws, no one shoving shots in my face, no hangers on - just 7 old friends out for food, pints and good conversation followed by more pints.

I get on grand with my gf's brothers but I would have no intention of inviting them on my stag - the reason being that while we get on fine, we're not mates. We may be at some stage in the future but it won't be while bonding on my night out with my close friends.

"when I'm around them the conversation is kinda forced, they make little small talk with me and looking back I'm pretty sure I'm normally the one asking them how their weekend was, how work was going, did you see the match...etc. They are kinda the funny ones, always cracking jokes,"
This strikes me that you are making more of an effort than they are - the more of an effort made, the more desperate you look or feel in the situation. This used to happen with my brother in law... eventually I just stopped making the effort to put us on an equal footing.

I think you are best just sticking with your friends for the night out - they won't be offended.

Augme

The stag seems to be the side issue to what is a much bigger problem - your feelings of inadequacy. I'd spend more time worrying about that then the stag because those will just crop up again and again if you don't do anything about them.

retro:electro

There is no prerequisite for a stag. They can be big and they can be small, they can be local or they can be abroad. I'm sure most of those lads have been to a million before and might actually be looking forward to something different. You could just say something like "I'm thinking of having a few around for a few drinks, nothing mental", all stags are different, they're not all the mental episodes you see on tv.

It sounds to me though that the real issue is you are insecure about you friendship circle, maybe you should try joining some clubs or something to meet people of similar interests to yourself?

LegacyUser

Why bother having a stag at all? It sounds like you're only stressing yourself, OP.

I didn't have a stag and never regretted it.

annoyedgal

Maybe don't call it a stag. Invite your close friends on a night out to celebrate your upcoming marriage but don't but it out there that your having a stag per se. There's no pressure then. Tell the in laws your not having a stag as it's not really your thing. Simple. They won't bat an eyelid. It feels like a much bigger thing to you than it really is. Just do what you want and are comfortable with. There is waaaaaay too much fuss going into stags and hens these days in my humble opinion!

ongarboy

Exactly OP. I think you don't really want a stag at all as it is not "your scene" and only are fulfilling what is seen as some sort of obligation or fear you may be judged or thought as odd if you don't.

Meet up with your small set of close friends if you want and have a "get together", drinks, dinner, and activity if you want. Your genuine friends who know you, know what your personality is like and still like you and want to be your friends so trying to force "a mad night out" would come across as unnatural and forced. Do what is comfortable for you (even if that means doing nothing at all).

Don't invite your brothers in laws. Believe me, they will not be offended if you already don't have a buddy buddy relationship with them and may appreciate not having the expense of it shortly before the wedding. Seriously, if they do think of you as odd for not inviting them, that really is their problem and not yours and I doubt they will think that at all and will not hold it against you. If somehow, you are directly quizzed about it, just say that stag parties are not your scene. Decent people will respect that!

Discuss this with your soon to be wife too. If you two are making this lifetime commitment, she should be your confidant and soul mate and should be able to reassure you and offer advice and support in whatever you choose to do. I think there are feelings of inadequacy beyond the stag and you should share these with her too. She said Yes to spending the rest of her life with you because of who you are and knows you're not the mad party animal and that's ok for her. You need to learn for it to be ok for you too!

Greenduck

Just ask your lady if she thinks they would be interested? My fella gets on with my brothers but they wouldnt ever socialise together, only at family things. If my boyfriend were to have a stag I would advise him not to ask them. They'd probably feel uncomfortable and so would my boyfriend!

Ask your fiancée- she knows you all best! Try not worry about it so much too, I think you've written off the stag already hence your concerns that others wont like it. Just go do what you want and have fun. Thats what its all about

Sunny Dayz

What I would do is invite the future brothers in law along anyway. If you don't have much in common with them and don't know them that well, they probably won't really want to go anyway and will decline the invite.
That was you have yourself covered - you didn't exclude them, you made the effort to invite them.
Otherwise if you leave them out altogether, you might get it in the ear from your fiancé or your future mother in law about leaving them out.
And if the brothers in law to go to the stag, you concentrate on enjoying yourself with your friends and if they want to join in so be it. If they want to be dry sh$tes let them off.


BTW there is nothing wrong with a small stag, my husband's stag was small enough, with his bros, my bro and a few friends. One of his friends had a smaller one too and he didn't even have any brothers himself or brothers in law. Quality over quantity.

kmc25_1

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

What I would do is invite the future brothers in law along anyway. If you don't have much in common with them and don't know them that well, they probably won't really want to go anyway and will decline the invite.

I disagree with the above.... Invite them and hope they will not come??
What kind of solution is that?

The stag is your night. Invite whoever will add to your enjoyment. Leave out anyone that will make you feel uncomfortable.

ruskin

When I was planning my stag, I spent alot of time being fretful over what people I would take with me, who I had to invite, etc. Even on the stag itself in Prague, I spent much of the first day silently worrying whether one person would get along with another. <SNIP> Enjoy yourself OP, its your stag.

Merkin

ruskin wrote: »

When I was planning my stag, I spent alot of time being fretful over what people I would take with me, who I had to invite, etc. Even on the stag itself in Prague, I spent much of the first day silently worrying whether one person would get along with another. <SNIP> Enjoy yourself OP, its your stag.

Consider yourself warned. Don't post in this thread again and consider your language and tone very carefully before posting anywhere in PI or RI again.

dellas1979

You need to change your point of view - STAT.

OP - the smaller the stag/hen the absolute better! The best hens/craic Ive been on have been smaller ones. Everyone knows everyone.

Also, to point out, people do not have 20/30 "friends" on those big hens/stags. At best, maybe 2/3 good friends, few relatives, and then acquaintances, neighbours, work colleagues, Mary in the shop etc.

It can be a popularity contest for some. Others just know a lot of people. But thats not you. And its ok! You need to accept this. Go and enjoy/have the craic!