Is it usual/normal?

candy-gal1

Hey guys,

Is it usual and obvious for a guy to not want to be officially boyfriend and girlfiend with you after 3 1/4 years together, for the reasons that I ring and text him too much (but only the past 2months ish which he said but tbh I was having personal family issues and housing difficulties/confusion and just wanted to talk to him as I put his as my best friend also) , Im needy, I think things like meeting him at the airport/train station are sweet and have done both once even though he said he didnt really like it but never made a big deal and said dont do it and I ask to see him or make plans to go somewhere too much and give him too much sex sometimes?

Its only came out on friday, and hes apparrantly be thinking that for a few weeks, all I want is him as my best friend and maybe FWB if nothing else, just wish hed take a call from me, he hasnt since fri early afternoon

Stheno

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Hey guys,

Is it usual and obvious for a guy to not want to be officially boyfriend and girlfiend with you after 3 1/4 years together, for the reasons that I ring and text him too much (but only the past 2months ish which he said but tbh I was having personal family issues and housing difficulties/confusion and just wanted to talk to him as I put his as my best friend also) , Im needy, I think things like meeting him at the airport/train station are sweet and have done both once even though he said he didnt really like it but never made a big deal and said dont do it and I ask to see him or make plans to go somewhere too much and give him too much sex sometimes?

Its only came out on friday, and hes apparrantly be thinking that for a few weeks, all I want is him as my best friend and maybe FWB if nothing else, just wish hed take a call from me, he hasnt since fri early afternoon

No it's not usual it's bizarre

You need to consider the benefit of being in this relationship sounds like it has no future

daisybelle2008

He isn't interested in a relationship with you. Save all your love and attention for someone who wants to reciprocate. It's all very one sided, has to be frustrating for you and suffocating for him. Ye are not on the same page at all.

Would advise staying away from him ( I'd say break up but doesn't seem necessary if ye are not an item). Go meet and date other guys and maybe you'll meet someone nice who wants the same things as you..this situation is going nowhere and you are wasting your time.

bee06

You say you want him to be your best friend and FWB but it sounds like you want him to be your boyfriend.

It sounds like he doesn't want any of this. If he thought of you as a friend even he would treat you with more respect. It sounds like all he wants is easy access to sex.

candy-gal1

Thanks guys, tbh it all sounds right what your saying, tis just very confusing that about a week ago he was being grand and talking randomly about marrying me one day etc , talking about the future, making a nice effort for my bday even though he was sick and ringing me up or texting to say goodnight when he was on an airsoft weekend and even after that up until say Wedensday gone everything was great imho and I was giving him a lot of space and everything as I always try to do each week save texting/calling every day unless I need to know/arrange something

And weve bee together properly and monogomous for over 3years now, as I say Im sad etc obv that if he doesnt want me as a gf anymore but Itd be a hell of a lot worse if I lost him as my best friend, which he is as I cant really ever be in a relationship with someone I wouldnt consider my best friend also, probably why this is my only my 2nd relationship

And if he just wants easy access to sex, thats fine by me too :D, just would like him to be honest with me about it fully and just fecking contact me as normal friends do

So, all the things I mentioned there that he has put as reasons not to be with me in my first post, everyone here doesnt see anything wrong with any of it?!

bee06

candy-gal1 wrote: »

So, all the things I mentioned there that he has put as reasons not to be with me in my first post, everyone here doesnt see anything wrong with any of it?!

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this to be honest? Of course it would be wrong for someone who is supposed to be your best friend or your boyfriend to not want to be in contact you especially when you are going through a hard time. They should want to spent time with you and like the fact that you want to met them of the train or whatever.

It sounds like he wants to break up but doesn't have the balls to tell you to be blunt.

candy-gal1

Thanks there, well he has said he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore and that in a little while we can go to being FWB or just friends etc, but Im just impatient and want that now lol

Also filling my head with regrets over when he told me, I didnt say or do anything bad tbh and I think I looked well - he even said despite all this I looked beautiful and twas nothing to do with my looks for him or sex with me so at least thats something , just wished Id prolonged it a bit so I could see him longer by buying some food where we were etc instead of just a soda also should have just asked him when Id see him to hang out or whatever again so at least Id know, it was just shock with me as was out of the blue completely tbh
He rang me that morning and asked me to meet him in town with his coat he left in mine last week as it was a present from his dad, he would usually just come to mine so I asked him what was up and was it snything bad and he said yes so I was kinda expecting worse but not really, I regret asking him over the phone now though too! Cos maybe would have been different etc!

It was finished with holding hands as he told me, sat with me a while then had to go, I did kick the bag slightly as was giving it back to him which I had his stuff in, nothing broke or anything but still regret that, again shock
then a big hug and kiss outside then he walked off, he did ring me about 30mins later to make sure I was ok and said I was fine etc and didnt do anything wrong today, so I hoped

My heads just full of regret, and I dont do regret or blaming myself very well , just want to hear from him and when Ill see him and what we are for defo now, he did say friends at least

Gongoozler

You're taking this awfully well candy gal. He doesn't want to be with you. he wants to be with other people most likely. he's broken up with you and you seem to be taking it as if it's merely a change of plan.

It's not really a normal thing to go from boyfriend and girlfriend to fwb. if you're OK with doing it then there's no problem. It doesn't sound like a good deal though.

candy-gal1

Ah I know, but I know Ive no problem with it, the biggest problem here for me is the regret feelings and not hearing from him, and I dont wanna do the crazies and keep ringing/texting/fb etc, did the calls thing on the fri a bit too much , the shock Im blaming it on but I apologised for that and I think has been made up for or almost since very little contact from me yday and today, only things we had planned before this over the next few months Ive sent the odd message about!

I think you should stop sending the odd message and stop contacting him entirely for a good while. If you have a social circle, lean on them instead. Go talk to them, go out with them, whatever else that doesn't involve talking to him. Stop ringing him and stop hoping he'll be best pals, because it seems clear enough he won't. He's not a "normal friend", he's your ex now.
I hope you will be ok getting through it.

all the best

Dial Hard

You've posted about this guy a LOT, OP, and to be honest with you, you sound completely over-invested in him, to the point of it being a little weird (sorry).

You can't go from being in a relationship with someone to FWB. It doesn't work like that. Doubly so when one person is as hung up on the other as you clearly are on him.

You seem utterly fixated on this guy, and from what you've written it seems like perhaps you were the same in your previous relationship. That's not healthy and I imagine it's very tiring/wearisome for the other person. Partners should be complementary, not supplementary.

I think you need to take a massive step back from this situation and maybe do some work on yourself and why you're allowing others to have such a massive impact on your sense of self.

cloudatlas

He hasn't been supportive of you when you were going through family problems, he doesn't like you being affectionate and doing sweet things.

It sounds like he wants to break up but doesn't have the guts, dump him first and find someone who appreciates being picked up from the train station and sharing problems/ feelings etc.,

Diamond Doll

Look you need to get it out of your head that you're going to switch overnight from being in a relationship to being FWB, or even being best friends.

Sure, he said it to you at the time that you'd still be friends, but that's because you were sitting there in front of him and probably upset, so he took the easy option of saying what he thought you wanted to hear. Maybe it might happen waaay down the line, when you're both well over the relationship and any feelings are gone, but for now you need to stop contacting him.

I know it may seem harsh, but he's not your best friend anymore, even if he was up to a few days ago. That's why I think a bad break-up is almost even worse, in ways, than if your partner died. With a break-up, they are choosing not to have you as a major part of their life anymore, and it really does hurt.

You need to stop looking for what you can salvage out of this relationship. You need to be looking for ways to move on without him, whereas you seem to be focused on finding a way for him to still be part of your life, even if it's not in the way you want him. Don't settle for that. He's probably doing you a favour by cutting contact now, and not leading you on.

You're wondering if your list of his reasons for the break-up is normal? Honestly I wouldn't dwell on them too much. It doesn't matter if they're "normal" or not, what matters is he doesn't want to be with you anymore (whether it is indeed for the reasons you listed, or perhaps also other reasons that he chose not to share with you - it doesn't matter.) It does sound like you've been a bit clingy and overbearing, and maybe that's something to keep in mind for future relationships, but for now you really need to get used to the idea of being comfortable alone.

ibarelycare

OP I think you might need to work on your self-esteem a bit. You're hoping that this guy will use you for sex just so you'll still be in his life...that actually makes me sad. You deserve to be with someone who loves you, but you have to learn to be happy on your own first.

You need to understand that your relationship is over. This isn't a "break" or a change of plan. Him letting you believe that is cowardly but you need to take responsibility for your own actions and feelings as well. Imagine if you remain "best friends" and/or "FWBs" and you know he's hooking up with other people. And eventually he's going to meet someone else too...how heartbreaking will that be for you?

You need to distance yourself from this man and focus on building yourself up and not *needing* to be with someone.

LynnGrace

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP I think you might need to work on your self-esteem a bit. You're hoping that this guy will use you for sex just so you'll still be in his life...that actually makes me sad. You deserve to be with someone who loves you, but you have to learn to be happy on your own first.

You need to understand that your relationship is over. This isn't a "break" or a change of plan. Him letting you believe that is cowardly but you need to take responsibility for your own actions and feelings as well. Imagine if you remain "best friends" and/or "FWBs" and you know he's hooking up with other people. And eventually he's going to meet someone else too...how heartbreaking will that be for you?

You need to distance yourself from this man and focus on building yourself up and not *needing* to be with someone.

+1. This post sums up what I thought, when I read your post candygal.
You deserve so much better than hoping that he will change his mind, or that you can become 'FWB's.
I know it's horrible when a relationship ends, especially as it seems to have been very sudden, but you owe yourself so much more than this.

Take a long step back from the situation, stop messaging him, focus on yourself, your own friends, your own interests, and enjoy life as a single person, for a while.
Look after yourself, I hope that you have someone that you can talk to in RL also.

All the best.

Faith

candy-gal1 wrote: »

Thanks there, well he has said he doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore and that in a little while we can go to being FWB or just friends etc, but Im just impatient and want that now lol

I honestly don't think you've accepted what has happened. This sentence is just bizarre.

Look, to be brutally blunt, he dumped you. To soften the blow, he said the whole "let's be friends" line. But he doesn't want to be with you any more. He's not replying to your texts, he's not getting in touch. You're glossing over this and saying things like "just wished Id prolonged it a bit so I could see him longer by buying some food where we were etc instead of just a soda also should have just asked him when Id see him to hang out or whatever again so at least Id know" and "And if he just wants easy access to sex, thats fine by me too". You haven't accepted what has happened, I think.

You need to let go now. You need to stop contacting him completely and stop expecting him to contact you. You need to grieve for the relationship and move on. It's an incredibly painful process, but you're just prolonging it now.