Friend Vents All the Time - Tired of It

LegacyUser

I know this will sound bad, but I don't mean it to.

My best friend, Claire, exaggerates a lot in the general aspects of life (e.g. if she has a fight with someone, she'll blow it way out of proportions when describing it), and for the past few years she's been telling myself and my other best friend, Mary, about how she doesn't eat most days, makes herself get sick when she does, is having panic attacks most days/weeks (sometimes multiple times a day), and is almost always sick. Mary said that Claire told her she drinks at night too, and takes more painkillers than she should (I only found this out last night). The fact that this behaviour has been continuing for three years has Mary doubtful as to how much of it is happening at all and isn't just exaggerated like most things she says.

We're at our wits end with her. We've tried to help, spent hundreds of hours trying to advise her on what to do or encouraging her to seek help, giving her our stories to show her she can get better, gone to the doctors with her (she's been prescribed medication for anxiety but says she doesn't want it), but she never takes any advice. She says she wants to get better, complains about how "all of this" is happening to her all the time, often asks "why is it always me," but never seems to want to get better.

Now we just can't really listen to it any more, because she's been telling us the same problems for almost four years and we can actually predict exactly what she'll say. My friend and I also were unwell mentally over the past few years on and off, and when she relies on us too much it can get tough for us, because we're trying to work through our own problems and she's just constantly venting hers. The worst part is I've realised her problems are all we EVER talk about. There was a time when I couldn't deal with listening to them. I wanted to self-harm so I took a step back and told her I wasn't able for it any more (she was texting me for 3+ hours a day, even when I said I was in work/studying), and then when she stopped I realised we had nothing else to talk about. That was all we ever talked about, and we didn't talk for about a month because neither of us had anything to say to each other.

She treats us like counsellors and we don't know what to do, because it's tiring listening to someone say they've the same issues over and over without wanting to take the initiative to change them. She has also been to counselling, and quit (she says it didn't work for her, but she wouldn't tell the counsellor the truth about why she was there she said, so of course it didn't work).

Has anybody a clue as to what we can do?

ABajaninCork

If you and your friend have been struggling with your own issues with little or no support, then it's time to gradually cut her loose, I'm sorry to say.

If she texts/calls you - don't immediately answer. Leave it a couple of hours at first, then longer and longer intervals. Encourage her to go back to her GP and encourage her to start counselling again. If she starts off venting, then politely change the subject.

It's going to be tough, but you need to be selfish - Put yourself and your mental/physical well-being first. Your friend can't help it, but she hasn't and she won't support you.

Hope this helps!

LegacyUser

I can understand how you feel. A few years ago I was freindly with a person like this.
She never listened to any advice I give her but continued to complain about her life always.
I got to a stage of having enough. I stoped being there for her always and was in no rush to drop things for her when she decided to call me. I remember that I had not met her for a while and I sent her a text about going out. She sent me a text back and since then I have not met or spoke to her.
Did I miss her friendship yes for a while but I soon realised like you she would always find me when she needed advice or for someone to go out with. When I hit a few bad patches she was no where to be found.
Since then I have gone on to make more freinds. These freinds have been and are supportive to me. They have given me good advice and listend to the advice I gave them also. The are will to give as well as take.

None of us mind helping a freind though a bad patch. If a person has a never ending bad patch or refuses to listen to the good advice given to them over a long period of time they only have themselves to blame when friendships end.

LynnGrace

OP, it doesn't make you sound bad at all. You have done your best, but it's draining and frustrating to be in a situation like that, where someone constantly offloads, but has no intention, for whatever reason, of trying to do something to help themselves, or seek appropriate professional help.

I agree with previous posters, I think it's time to start backing away, encourage her to go to her GP, counselling, or whatever, but leave it at that. Just don't be as available, and be conscious of your own mental health, and protecting that.

It's hard when something is all one way, particularly when you have your own issues to deal with, as we all do. As previous poster said, friendship is give and take. A friend is there for you, and you are there for them, particularly when the going gets tough.

orthsquel

tiredoflistening wrote: »

The worst part is I've realised her problems are all we EVER talk about.

tiredoflistening wrote: »

when she stopped I realised we had nothing else to talk about. That was all we ever talked about, and we didn't talk for about a month because neither of us had anything to say to each other.

It seems that beyond her problems there isn't a lot more to the friendship between ye. Her problems and her using you as soundboards for them might be the only way she can gain your attention and include herself as a friend and have friends. While you have realised that beyond her problems there isn't a foundation for a friendship, she needs to realise this too. The question I suppose is, do you actually want to stay friends with her?

It can be frustrating when you are used as a soundboard and when you are talked at...you have every right to tell them not to use you as a sound board and ask not to be talked at. You also are under no obligation to listen and provide advice or just be there, especially if you know that they are really not looking to do anything about it. All you can do is encourage them to seek proper help and deal with their problems and discourage them from coming back to you to talk at you again. Now, that in itself can be a difficult thing to do because they might get upset with you because you are no longer willing to be their soundboard, but you have to do this for the benefit of both of you, especially yourself in giving you the space you need from it and to look after your own mental health.

Her problems are completely within her control to do something about them and move on. I think at this stage you will just need to actively discourage her from talking at you (and to you) about her problems, and try and shut down conversations about her problems by stating that you have already given her advice and that she should really go and talk to a counsellor. Make it known to her in the nicest way that you can that you are unwilling to hear about them and not prepared to take time out of your day and use your energy in listening or advising her about things she doesn't want to deal with and that you feel you can't help her any further and push her in the direction of getting herself help with someone who can help her.

She may take it hard btw especially if her coming to you with her problems is a means to maintain a friendship or have attention from others. But you should not feel guilty about it, her problems really do need to be addressed by professionals and she will need to stick with it and work with them in the long haul. I can understand she may not want to talk to a counsellor or be afraid of admitting things or feel they won't listen as much as you do, for whatever reason, or be afraid of confronting things and afraid of moving on, but it's going to be the only option she will have. I think too that once she does move from using ye for her problems to dealing with them properly she might see herself that there isn't more to the friendship or that her reason for the friendship has been consumed by her problems... and that may cause her to move on from talking about her problems to actually being someone you can be friends with and enjoy talking about other stuff with and staying friends, or that she moves on from the friendship.

Teyla Emmagan

Some people are takers. They are just work, work, work. I have known a few people like this. I am generally empathetic, and start listening to people, and try to be there and help etc, so I have been sucked into a few of these friendships. Eventually you realise that some people are just drama, drama, drama. They basically don't want help, or to change. They just want to exist in their own catastrophe all the time. All they want is to talk about themselves and to have some sucker fall for it.

Cut her loose, she is bad news. She'll never change.