A bit fed up.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I'm married with two teenage kids.
Myself and my spouse get on reasonably well, not many arguments, sex life is just about ok (I'd probably wish it happened more often, but it does happen maybe once a week or so when I initiate it).
My major issue is this: my wife has no interest in any sort of a social life whatsoever.
Since the kids were born we've never gone for a meal together, never had a night out together, nothing.
I go out maybe 3 times a year on work night outs.
The excuse used to be the kids, but now that they're teenagers the excuse is that she has no interest in it (sometimes she says we couldn't afford it, we could, we don't have loads of money but we're not struggling either).
I wouldn't enjoy going out on my own (wish my wife would come) and if I did I would get the silent treatment afterwards.
Whenever I mention that I wish we had a social life she gets withdrawn and I feel bad for suggesting it.
Is it too much to ask to want go out for a meal or a drink 2-3 times a year?
Fed up sitting here as another weekend passes by...

LegacyUser

This may be a long shot but maybe your wife is feeling insecure? After having 2 kids your body changes. It's just an observation really,it could literally be something as simply as that

via4

Maybe she feels a little nervous if she hasn't gone out in a few years. Ask her outright what's wrong a d that you are there to support her. Maybe she feels going out is for single people and she dsnt feel the need to go out. Maybe you could invite friends over for dinner? Have a social night at home first and she might remember what it feels like and get back into the swing of things.

LegacyUser

via4 wrote: »

Maybe she feels a little nervous if she hasn't gone out in a few years. Ask her outright what's wrong a d that you are there to support her. Maybe she feels going out is for single people and she dsnt feel the need to go out. Maybe you could invite friends over for dinner? Have a social night at home first and she might remember what it feels like and get back into the swing of things.

Yeah she's insecure about herself alright.
She also feels going out is only for single people and would be critical of people with kids going out.
We have no friends to ask over as we have isolated ourselves socially since the kids came along.
I don't know what to do at this stage, I foolishly thought that it was because the kids were small that we didn't go out. I feel like I've sacrificed the last 15 years of my life completely because of the kids (don't get me wrong, I love the kids and would do anything for them but I feel like my life is over, while my wife seems happy that it's like this).
Feeling a bit lost at the minute...

Dial Hard

observer123 wrote: »

This may be a long shot but maybe your wife is feeling insecure? After having 2 kids your body changes. It's just an observation really,it could literally be something as simply as that

Ah here, the kids are teenagers, baby weight is hardly a reasonable excuse.

OP, you say you don't want to go out on your own - why do you have to? If your wife is insisting on being a hermit then go out with friends or family instead. Whatever her reasons are for not wanting to go out it's extremely unfair and unreasonable for her to expect you to do the same.

Edit: Just saw your post about isolating yourselves socially. Time to fix that, everyone needs friends outside of their relationship.

How was she socially before the kids came along?

Lux23

Did she go out before you had kids? Her views seem very old-fashioned, my granny who would be in her 90s now loved a night out! What does she do other than stay in?

Sunflower 27

It may seem odd, but going out to her is so alien that it probably terrifies her.

If she has any sort of social anxiety or phobia then the thought of going out is not pleasant for her.

That you have allowed it to get to this is partly your responsibility as well. You allowed it to get to this point. Her fear is irrational and not normal but it has become her normal.

Aside for asking her to be honest with you and suggesting counselling I am not sure what else you can do.

If you have allowed this to happen, which you have by going along with it, you can't suddenly expect her to suddenly be happy to start hitting the town.

LegacyUser

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

It may seem odd, but going out to her is so alien that it probably terrifies her.

If she has any sort of social anxiety or phobia then the thought of going out is not pleasant for her.

That you have allowed it to get to this is partly your responsibility as well. You allowed it to get to this point. Her fear is irrational and not normal but it has become her normal.

Aside for asking her to be honest with you and suggesting counselling I am not sure what else you can do.

If you have allowed this to happen, which you have by going along with it, you can't suddenly expect her to suddenly be happy to start hitting the town.

I agree with this, I'm passive enough and don't particularly like conflict in a relationship, unfortunately I am where I am now and I can't see a solution. Counselling is out of the question as in her opinion everything's fine (she has absolutely no interest in going out).
I know if I were to start going to the pub once a month or so it would cause arguments, which I hate.
I suppose I'll either have to continue as is or just go and see what happens.
Whenever I try to talk about it I just get no where.
Maybe we're just incompatible when it comes to our social life expectations (we do get on fairly well otherwise though).
The fed up moment has passed for now so I'm grand again until the next time I'm sitting at home itching for something to break the boredom.

Sunflower 27

If you are bored, organise drinks with your own friends. I know it would be nice for her to be there, but would you honestly enjoy yourself if you knew she was uncomfortable and unhappy?

You say you get on well most of the time. You are just incompatible in this area and by the sounds of it you are hardly a party animal yourself.

What about holidays? Have you been on many together? What is she like then?

Edit to add: Her being off with you for wanting to spend times with your friends is not acceptable. Ok if she wants to stay in, but to make you feel bad because you want to go out is not fair and if I was you I would be telling her that. It is quite controlling of her to expect you to stay in just because she can't/doesn't want to go out.

quadrifoglio verde

Why not suggest both of you go away for the weekend, you'd have no option but to go out. Somewhere with a spa and nice scenery and places to go on long walks again.

Or you could always get the kids to buy yee both a present of a voucher towards a trip away.
If it comes from the kids then she can't refuse it.
.when the recession hit my parents stopped going out or going away for the weekend so at Christmas it'd be a blue book voucher. At least that way I knew that they'd get to go somewhere that they would like to do and couldn't put it aside for a bill