Waiting 3 years

LegacyUser

Hi all
I posted about my relationship before just looking for opinions, I'm going out with a guy for 2 years, I'm nearly 30, he's 32. He's exceptionally busy with work so we often don't see much of each other. On top of this he lives at home and won't stay the night at my house. It's making me miserable. We've spoken in depth about it and he thinks I'm in too much of a rush and that this time next year would be plenty of time to be staying over etc. Therefore we'd be going out 3 years before he would be willing to do this. We go away for weekends the odd time and he goes on about how great it is to wake up together and he'll sometimes stay atmmine after a night out, rarely tho, and goes on about how lovely it is. What am I to do? I've told him I found think I can wait another year for what I see is a vital part of a relationship, he is not going to budge though, he genuinely doesn't see it as an issue. any advice would be great!

prettyrestless

To be honest I find it odd that a 32 year old would live at home unless they were struggling financially/had ill parents/other valid reason. And I find it even odder that he doesn't want to stay over at your place. I normally start staying over pretty much straight away in a relationship - not just for sex, but for late night chats and cuddles and watching movies in bed.

Do you see each other a lot? Two years is a long time to be waiting for something that's so normal in most relationships - I wouldn't be keen on waiting a third.

Edit: just realised you said he works a lot so you don't see him too much. So how come he doesn't have his own place?

LegacyUser

IMO, This seems to be very odd. As you said, he isn't going to budge on that so I personally would be putting an end to the relationship. Staying over at your significant others place is quite the norm especially since you have been seeing eachother quite some time now and the fact that you have to wait even more time for him just to stay over throws up some major red flags in my mind.

Exclamation Marc

I'd echo prettyrestless's post above which is pretty much spot on. Why he's not living at home at 32 is the key question and could explain a lot. I lived at home until I was 29 due to not being able to afford moving out but as soon as I could and had the right job, I was out of there for both my and my parents' sake. And given that you're saying he's busy in work, I assume it's a good job that would afford him the ability to move out.

One reason he may not like staying over is that he's just lazy and prefers his home comforts, which at 32 and two years into a relationship he just needs to deal with and suck it up. Also, if he's 33 when he eventually moves out, he's going to find it a bit of a culture shock.

I'm not one to ever advise putting the foot down but it sounds like you need to. He either needs to move out soon or start staying in yours more often. Given the rental market as well, in a years time he could start pulling the 'oh I can't find the right place' card or need a bit more time or next year won't be the 'right time'; prolonging what's clearly a big issue for you. If he's stalling now, he'll probably stall next year.

If there's no discernible reason for him to be staying at home all the time (ill parents, impossible commute to work/home from yours), then he has no excuse and is dragging his heels. He's in his 30s and it's time for him to grow up. Waiting a year is not an option as he'll find a way to keep dragging his heels next year. Sitting down and explaining to him that the lack of time together is hurting the relationship is the only way. And if he's too busy at work (which is natural), he needs to make efforts to remedy that. And the only way is to either move in together or start staying over, simple.

To be honest, and I know its a 2 year relationship so its not a new fling, if he can't commit to staying over in yours every now and again, there's bigger problems there if he's willing to let that hurt the relationship.

Penny Tration

If he's so busy with work that he can't spend much time with you, surely he's made enough money to move out?

Tbh, he's not spending much time with you, doesn't seem to want to have sex with you or stay over with you, and has put it off for two years already, and plans to for another year at least - this all sounds as though he just doesn't really give a damn about whether he's with you or not.

Tigger99

Jesus you've the patience of a saint. I'd be bringing up the conversation of marriage and kids two years in but he's not even in a place where he's happy to stay over in yours?

What can you do? Realise that this is not an issue that you should need to keep going on about. His actions speak louder than words and he's not interested in staying over. He's giving you promises that from what I remember of the previous thread he just went and broke (about staying over more etc).

I think you need to have a hard think about why you are putting up with thus awful situation with hardly any intimacy? I think you need to put more value on your own happiness. Imagine he eventually stayed over more. Would you have to badger him into moving in etc?

Imagine being in a relationship where you didn't have to badger and cajole someone into seeing things from your side. You deserve that.

lazygal

This is going nowhere. Cut your losses. I moved in with my now husband after a year. There's no need to string you along unless he's never going to commit. You'll be back here next year asking why the timeline has stretched yet again.

CaraMay

Does he mean starting to stay over in a year or living together in a year?

I would have no interest in the way the relationship is conducted. What's in it for you? Can I assume he's in your house for intimacy and then goes home?

CollyFlower

Could the reason he won't stay over is because he's married? Have you been to his home and met his parents?

LegacyUser

If I am barking up the wrong tree, please feel free to disregard the following

OP I remember your thread. You were upset because your boyfriend point blank refused to ever stay the night in your bed and would leave even if it was 3 a.m. When you finally got a "reason" out of him, it was that he was wary because you had had long term relationships in the past. And had lived with another guy. He was making noises at the time about there not being any rush and "not yet".

To be honest, I would just cut my losses and leave. There is no guarantee that this wait won't drift on and on and on. In the meantime you aren't getting any younger and you're stuck with a guy who won't even spend the night in your bed unless you're away for the weekend. I don't know what to make of him but words like immature, self-centred and afraid of mammy and daddy come to mind.

ManOfMystery

Op were you the one who posted the thread about the bf who wouldn't stay over and his excuse was it was something to do with you living with an ex previously? If so I'm not sure what more people can add, there were 8 pages of good advice in that thread and this is really retreading the same issue.

irishdude11

2 years and he hasn't stayed over yet!! And wants to wait another year until he's ready?!! That is absolutely nuts. He has very little respect for you, it sounds like he's just using you to be honest. It actually takes a lot of effort to get up and leave at night after sex, it would be much much handier to just stay over. So it seems he does not want to physically be near you other than as a means for sex, and then he's gone. Apart from the times you sleep together on weekends away which sounds like he is trying to do just the bare minimum to "keep you sweet".

m'lady

Sorry OP but I'd move swiftly on. Your not teenagers ( that his parents won't allow him) you are both adults and this guy has a problem staying over?

There's something not right in this situation, and I would second the idea that he could be married/ in another relationship, or and I say this in the nicest way possible, that he's in it for the sex end of things and not in it for a relationship that you are.
To give you an idea I am around your age and in a relationship nearly 3 years, living together about 2 years and making plans to further our relationship in various ways.
You deserve so much more, take it from me there is nothing worse than wasting your time in a relationship where the other person isn't serious about it, it's a big regret of mine.
I hope things work out for you.

_Whimsical_

I'm also going to say move on. I don't know what his motivation is here, maybe hes stringing you along, maybe he's just staying within his comfort zone but ultimately it doesn't matter. Your needs are not being met by this relationship and he'd told you point blank he refuses to meet them. That's his prerogative, yours is to walk away and find someone who is interested in making you happy, hopefully who wants the same things so it's just second nature to you both to spend time together.
Really though you'll feel so much better about yourself and your life when you aren't subordinating your basic needs to this extent for someone else and wondering why that person doesn't want to spend time with you. If you hang on not being happy or not being loved as you need to be it won't be him devaluing you as a person, it'll be yourself doing it.

nlk

OP whatever the reason your boyfriend won't stay in your house it is bizarre and unacceptable behaviour- I won't even get started on the reason being that you've had a previous boyfriend if that is the case.

Too add to what others have said there is an additional reason why I think you should cut your losses- you have repeatedly told him that this is something that upsets you and he has fobbed you off and kept the issue on the long finger. These are not the actions of someone who loves and respects you.

In a relationship you make compromises for the other person, especially when they are upset, and you're happy to do so because being with them is worth the compromise. Ultimately he is not compromising because he's not afraid to lose you- either because he thinks you'll never leave or because he's not as invested in the relationship as you would like.

Either way OP, his actions are screaming that you are wasting your time with him. I think you'll find yourself much happier if you cut him loose and find someone who makes you feel the way you deserve in a relationship.

LegacyUser

I notice you said this guy is exceptionally busy and that you don't get to see each other very often. I wonder how true this actually is. I went out with a guy who supposedly worked very long hours. I accepted this at face value at the time but now I know it was all lies. Work was just his excuse for limiting how often he saw me. He was using me for sex and I just couldn't see it at the time.

You have three warning signs here in my opinion.
1. He gets up and leaves in the middle of the night. I think we all agree that it's a lousy thing to do to you. You've also got to wonder why he is making this statement. It is a statement, albeit a non verbal one. He also knows it upsets you but is refusing to stop doing it.
2. He's "exceptionally busy". Are you absolutely sure, beyond doubt that this is the case
3. He dismisses your wishes to move the relationship forward by saying you're in too much of a rush.

In my opinion there's one of the following things going on here.

He is using you for sex and is doing just about enough to fool you into thinking it's a relationship

He is some sort of commitmentphobe who is afraid to move out of mammy and daddy's house. Unless there is a valid reason for him living there (e.g. sick parent, financial constraints) he shouldn't still be living there.

He's not into you but you'll do. You tick the girlfriend box in his life and he doesn't have to commit a lot really. You said you don't see each other much, he mostly won't stay over and he very obviously has no desire to move in with you any time soon. If ever.

Makapakka

Sorry that this is happening to you OP, but I have to agree with the above posters. Unless there's a specific reason that he is living at home, I don't see why he wont move out. I am dying to move out of my parents place for freedom, independence and to prove to myself that I can do it, but I just can't afford it at the minute. It doesn't look like it's the case for this guy.


I think you need to think about it properly and decide if you want to have another talk with him (I think you mentioned you already had a discussion about it) or whether you should end it. I'm all for working problems out but this I can see no way out of if he isn't willing to make a change for you. If he is committed to you, he should be willing to change this situation. You deserve to be with someone who wants to spend all the time in the world with you.

Good luck whatever you decide.

IlmoNT4

Time to move on OP...considering your last post about this relationship. He's just burning up your precious time.

Break up with him and find a man who wants to live like a grown up.

dubstarr

From what you are saying are you sure hes not married or in a ltr.It just doesnt sit right with me.What if you got pregnant what then.

I think you should just cut your losses.As he doesnt stay over cause you lived with a fella before.Your both in your 30s so what does he expect.