Brothers girlfriend

PaiseanFaisean

Hi everyone hope all is well. I'd really appreciate any advice on this.

My brother has been going out with a girl for 8 months, she's from a city and he is working in the area where she lives. We are from an area about two hours from her house. While she seems to be a nice girl, I get a feeling she had a very sheltered upbringing and still lives at home with Her mother.

The issue is with us hardly ever seeing her. He is currently living at her house as he is looking to rent a new place. We never really see him anymore, he comes up to see us when he needs something. She always has an excuse for not coming to see us, she wasn't working all summer and came down a total of three hours and drove back down to her house at night. She has only stayed over in our house once since they met. She doesn't really like to go anywhere at all, they've never been on a short trip away or anything.

My brother seems like a totally different person, he has withdrawn into himself and doesn't have the same sense of fun he had before. When we call him he can't be himself as there is someone listening in the background.

My parents are heartbroken over this, I'm wondering should we leave well alone and let him sort out things for himself?

Thanks

loalae

Why should she come to visit you? I genuinely don't get your problem.

Into The Blue

If he's living there, how often have you visited him?

PaiseanFaisean

I just thought relationships should be about compromise and seeing each other's families, maybe I'm wrong. He used to come home to see us as much as possible, now we never see him anymore

Into The Blue

how often have you visited him?

PaiseanFaisean

I work in the place he works too so I see him regularly. I guess I'm talking about my parents who really miss him

PinkLemonade

They've been going out for eight months, there's no reason for her to be overly involved with your family yet.

Rock77

If u say anything about his relationship or his girlfriend, yis will hav a big fight! Ppl move away when they find somebody. His girlfriend could b encouraging him to visit home.
So she may not be the problem.
In my opinion the only thing u can do is tell him ur gettin upset at not seeing him often and can all of the family make more of an effort to visit each other

PaiseanFaisean

Maybe you're right, she just seems to never want to go anywhere at all

loalae

PaiseanFaisean wrote: »

I just thought relationships should be about compromise and seeing each other's families, maybe I'm wrong. He used to come home to see us as much as possible, now we never see him anymore

But if it bothers him then he can address it, it's none of your business. She is under no obligation to visit you. And when people grow up and carve new lives for themselves it's inevitable that their relationship with their family will change. If you really feel that he is being unreasonably absent from home then say it to him but don't blame his girlfriend - that's ridiculous! As someone else has said - you could always visit him!

retro:electro

PaiseanFaisean wrote: »

Maybe you're right, she just seems to never want to go anywhere at all

Sorry to say but that's none of your business.

Raminahobbin

I didn't meet my BFs family until we were over a year together- give them a break!! They're still very early days into a new relationship and she's probably nervous of getting too attached to you all too quickly. A friend of mine got very involved in her ex's family, and it added a whole extra dimension to the breakup where she felt she had to go and meet the parents to explain etc etc. Maybe the gf is just being cautious? Or, surprise, surprise, she could just be incredibly nervous.

PaiseanFaisean wrote: »

Maybe you're right, she just seems to never want to go anywhere at all

That's really nothing to do with you.

You're drawing conclusions about this person, who you barely know. If your brother is happy, that's all that matters. And if he's not- well, he's an adult, and we all have to carve out our own paths in life, especially when it comes to figuring out romantic relationships.

Stay out of it and give them the space they seem to need.

ElleEm

It seems like you are putting far too much energy into thinking about your brother's relationship. The girl is in a relationship with him, not the whole family. If your parents feel that your brother doesn't visit enough, then it is their issue to discuss with him. You really need to take a step back from this.

PaiseanFaisean

Thanks folks. She had meant to come down a good few times but pulled out the last minute.

njs030

I also don't understand why you think she should visit or that she would stay over?
Especially after such a short time, she actually sounds a bit shy or anxious Tbh.

I get the impression you are a close family which is lovely for you but not everyone wants to be that involved in each other's lives and your parents will have to understand your brother has his own life which might not include visiting them as often now he's in a serious relationship.

Raminahobbin

PaiseanFaisean wrote: »

Thanks folks. She had meant to come down a good few times but pulled out the last minute.

There's a million different things that could be. Nerves, health issues, study, her own personal life rearing it's head- don't make a mountain out of a molehill

amdublin

PaiseanFaisean wrote: »

Thanks folks. She had meant to come down a good few times but pulled out the last minute.

Maybe she is shy? Maybe she is nervous.

To be honest you're coming on very strong going on about her. Why is this?

Do you want more of him? Why not say it to him.

But imo you should leave her alone.

prettyrestless

Two hours each way is a long way to drive. I've never stayed over at my in laws place (after being in a relationship for two and a half years) and I don't see why I would unless we were at their house for some big occasion.

I also don't see what's stopping your parents from calling up to the city and meeting up with your brother and his gf for lunch/dinner etc? The road goes both ways.

PaiseanFaisean

They've gone up to see her many times and he is staying at her folks house.we are a very close family

BreadnBuddha

Some bonkers notions there alright.

She's going out with your brother, not your whole family.

Don't be blaming her if she's not yet ready to invest in relationships with all of ye.

Ref your folks missing himself, tell your brother to stop being a dick and make a bit more of an effort.

Two different things. Don't blame one on the other.

Ann84

Maybe she doesn't fancy a 4 hour round trip on her weekend off? Maybe she is close to her family, maybe she makes plans to see her friends at the weekend...

Just because your family are close does not mean she is the same way inclined. If your brother visits home that's fine, you said he has come a few times (and she's cancelled) but HE has visited, your parents are HIS family. I honestly don't get what your issue with his girlfriend is. If you think your brother needs to go home more, tell him that or else get everyone using Skype!

freshpopcorn

Just out if interest op what age are you and your brother?

PaiseanFaisean

He has told me that he would love for her to come down to see our parents more but she has pulled out so many times at the last minute

retro:electro

PaiseanFaisean wrote: »

He has told me that he would love for her to come down to see our parents more but she has pulled out so many times at the last minute

That's their issue; why are you making it yours?

kylith

Sounds to me like your parents aren't seeing your brother as often as they used to and they're having trouble with him growing away from them and into independent adulthood.

I also don't get why you'd expect someone who is with your brother less than a year to do a four-hour round trip for no particular reason other than to visit.

PaiseanFaisean

Thanks folks Maybe I am being totally unreasonable

retro:electro

PaiseanFaisean wrote: »

Thanks folks Maybe I am being totally unreasonable

Do you have a boyfriend? How would you feel if his family were getting involved in your relationship business questioning and conspiring about why you're not visiting them?

lukesmom

'A daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son till he takes a wife'

iusedtoknow

lukesmom wrote: »

'A daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son till he takes a wife'

bull. I'm closer to my parents than ever before, live 12000 miles away and have lived away from "home" for 10 years.

OP - you need to stay back on this one for a while. Your brother's relationship is little to do with you. Maybe he feels that if he sees you all the time at work, that is enough for you (and him) and that he wants to spent time with his gf while he can.

As for your parents, you need to also take a step back and if they want to discuss it with him to let them to it with no intervention by yourself.

There is always a settling in period while you get your groove in a relationship and how you fit into to each others lives and family life. 8 months is nothing in the time it takes to sort this sort of stuff out.

davmol

lukesmom wrote: »

'A daughter's a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son till he takes a wife'

Disagree too,i still spend a lot of time with my folks and family.Personally,I encourage and did encourage my partner to come spend time with my family.I wouldn't be too happy if she constantly made plans and cancelled.

If youre brother cant be himself then I think it is your business.Why would he change for the worse.Alot of people need to have things pointed out to them in relationships ,they may be unhappy and not realise it.

have a word with your bro and ask him is there a problem that his GF wont accompany him.Dont argue just enquire.You don't have to have conflict by innocently trying to find out if there is any issue.

PinkLemonade

davmol wrote: »

Disagree too,i still spend a lot of time with my folks and family.Personally,I encourage and did encourage my partner to come spend time with my family.I wouldn't be too happy if she constantly made plans and cancelled.

If youre brother cant be himself then I think it is your business.Why would he change for the worse.Alot of people need to have things pointed out to them in relationships ,they may be unhappy and not realise it.

have a word with your bro and ask him is there a problem that his GF wont accompany him.Dont argue just enquire.You don't have to have conflict by innocently trying to find out if there is any issue.

Do not do this OP, if you start to get involved in their relationship you might just end up creating a divide and losing him. Speaking from experience, keep the channels open, make sure she's invited to everything, keep it civil and polite.
I'm not even convinced there is an issue here, sounds to me like it's just early days in their relationship

cactusgal

I can kind of see where the OP is coming from, only because my brother's (now) ex-wife made it clear from the beginning that she had no interest in getting to know his family. Even at their wedding, she barely said hello to any of his family members. It really rubbed us up the wrong way, but we figured he was happy.

However, it continued to cause problems throughout their short marriage (her never wanting to visit on holidays, her taking no interest in my mother, even when she got very ill, etc) and then when they broke up, it was because she (the ex wife) made it clear that she no longer had any interest in my brother.

Obviously, I'm not saying that the OP's brother and his girlfriend are also heading in this dismal direction, just that it's not a nice feeling when you feel that a family member's other half makes no effort with the family. It's bad manners to suddenly pull out of plans or cancel at the last minute, consistently.

Just another perspective.

theoldbreed

I genuinely don't see the issue here. I've been with my fiancé for five years and his parents live a five minute drive away and I rarely see them. He sees them a few times a week. Nothing happened, they are perfectly nice people I'm quite reserved and I like my own space. There's no issue.
It's still early days for them and your brother is caught up in the newness of it all, let him enjoy it. To be honest if my fiancé's family started having a problem about how I rarely visit etc it would make me extremely uncomfortable. Each to their own.

pooch90

I would be the same as the previous poster.
Husbands family live in town we do. They are all stuck to each other. That's not how my family was and I don't see why you would need to be constantly visiting.
I'm always made feel guilty about not wanting to spend my evenings sitting in their kitchen talking about nothing.
There was a huge falling out with MIL last year and she claimed that I was trying to rip their family apart,sure I haven't even stayed over in their house in 10 years. We have never lived more than 20 mins away. I like my own bed,sorry love!!
As a result, I have been in her house once in 2015.

It's none of the OPs business and raising it as an issue will do nothing but cause agro and make girlfriend less likely to want to call.

iusedtoknow

I used to live in the same apartment block as my in laws in Spain. We lived on the top floor and they were two below us. We'd have lunch together either saturday or sunday and maybe drop in for a snack mid week for an hour or go to the odd football game. Aside from that, I barely saw them. It was great. My wife's entire extended family lived within walking distance of each other (3 or 4 blocks) and sure, we may meet them in the summer for a drink in the plaça but we were no in and out of each others pockets. Everyone had something else to do or see. What was nice was that if we did want to drop in...we could - and that they could call up for help for anything - it was comforting.

I see more of them now that we live so far apart. They stay with us for weeks at a time. Even with that, I don't know where they are half the time as they off doing something or taken the car somewhere. Suits me down to the ground.