Opening of novel ?

desbrook

Honest opinions needed !

Chapter 1

Smith

Smith knew instantly who his next two customers would be. The silhouettes beyond the main door, familiar voices but most of all a dwindling clientele made this easy enough. The truth was the pub had been empty for the previous half hour and this was not an unusual occurrence. Smith’s was not the busiest pub in Armlough but that wasn’t what it was about to Smith. What it was about he wasn’t sure of - to be honest most of his customers weren’t sure of why they drank there either. Outwardly a perfect match but problematic. The loyalty of a pub’s customers does not extend beyond the grave no matter how strong or illogical. The graveyard less than 100 yards away took his customers in fits and starts but slowly. Thus it was easier to make excuses – the smoking ban, the rates and the drink driving laws. The alternative was to moan and Smith didn’t moan. The other alternative was change and for Smith change was hard

“Lads …” was his greeting as Brennan and Monks entered. No more.

“Fine day …” his simple observation as he poured Brennan a Carlsberg while Monk’s Guinness settled.

The need for talk of any length or even for them to order had diminished years before. The customary “usual?” was unnecessary as the two men had drunk the same drinks all their lives and Smith had served a huge percentage. The men led duller lives even compared to Smith ( he reckoned) so conversation was limited to mannerly silence breakers and no more.

Brennan and Monks and others like them had broken a centuries old chain. For generations poorer men in society worked. They worked hard often dying early in the process, struggling only to bring their children into the same life. A good percentage of what their labour produced allowed the rich to be idle. The two customers had reversed this age old fact of life. Neither of the men had worked in years and yet they were enjoying a pint on a Thursday afternoon and would do so again tomorrow. As they did so the “well off” worked with a good percentage of their wage funding these men’s hobby. This contradiction was likely to be lost if Smith had dared to shared his observation. To them they were poor and that was that.

The truth was the men’s wives had a huge role in their ability to enjoy this lifestyle. An unsung role .The men didn’t know the price of a carton of milk or how much their children’s school tour was last March but their wives did and spent many a night lying awake adding and subtracting to make the ends meet. This worry was not shared with their husbands in the morning though. For both men a twenty euro note was placed beside their breakfast daily-enough for a pint or two, twenty cigarettes and perhaps small bet. It was only fair they reckoned, wrongly.

Poor Smith had neither the luxury of a wife nor a twenty pound note magically appearing on his breakfast table, quite the opposite. His wife Rita had died ten tears previously and most mornings his only daughter Gillian placed before him her financial demands. Though twenty years of age she was a college student and students always need money. Studying Estate Agency it was encouraging that she was so persuasive at getting cash out of people he supposed.

As he put the lad’s money in the till and scooped out their change Smith glanced at the framed photo above. A smiling Rita and a ten year old Gillian posed in the photo, one of the last ever taken of his wife. He often thought to take it down, but he never did. For though colours had faded Rita’s smile was still strong and knowing. Sometimes seeing that smile was too much and he would vow to un-frame the photo after closing time and return it back to it’s album up in the sitting room. Within minutes he would feel disloyal, wincing at the thought of a customer noticing it missing next day or worse still asking about it.

So it stayed. Change was hard.

Chapter 2

Gillian

There were better looking girls in Gillian Smith’s year but few were as popular with men. She has a natural ability to make nearly any guy she met think they had a “chance” and had perfected this art. Gillian genuinely loved the company of men because “they were more interesting” she often said. The truth was she could control them. Sadly it was that simple.

No-one at her college knew she had a boyfriend because she didn’t. She had a lover. He was one of her college lecturers as you probably have guessed and a senior one at that. He was young so that made it all okay. Thus almost every Thursday afternoon for the last four months was spent in his company – or rather his bed.

This Thursday afternoon was no exception. His city centre apartment was filled with noise. Two noises in fact, music and sex.

After about two hours of both, words and not just bodily fluids were exchanged.

“You’ll find the repeats tough I’d say” he found himself saying, immediately regretting it.

“Repeats? You mean YOU failed ME?” she angrily exclaimed.

“Gill, I had no choice. You barely got any grade at all in my stuff” his emotionless reply.

He smiled then. He shouldn’t have but he did. He was thinking of one of her answers and just how daft it was. His mask had slipped but it was her mask’s turn to slip now.

“Christ, I might as well shag Joe the caretaker if this is where it gets me!”

With those words she dressed and left. The affair ended as abruptly as it had begun.

echo beach

A key point about a novel is that something has to happen. The first chapter is well written and Smith is an interesting character but nothing happens. If I want social commentary I don't look for it in the opening page of a novel. As you say 'change is hard' and that hints that there are changes to come but it doesn't give quite enough to made me want to keep on reading and find out what that change will be.
The second chapter is a complete contrast and while that might be intentional it jars. Too much is given away too soon before we get to know anything about Gillian.
I'm sure you have a good idea for a novel and you can write but maybe you need to write more and then look at the best way to start it so as to 'hook' the reader. The first chapter doesn't have to be the first one you write.

femur61

I really liked it. I thought it was well written and lots of bits of information in the piece without directly saying it. I like to read books that have different chapters as the protagonist.

Your phrasing is great but the one phrase I didn't like is It was only fair they reckoned, wrongly.


I'd read more. Maybe as Echobeach said, you gave too much away, but if you have more to follow it would be worth a read.