He needs space

LegacyUser

My boyfriend is 28, I am 31. After 6 months, boyf moved in with my in July and now is moving out because he needs space and wants things to go back to the way they were- which was dating and seeing each other occasionally.

He said he has suffered with his mental health throughout the years and he doesn't like the pressure of living in the home with me and my son in the estate outside the city, he prefers to live in an apartment in the city and be able to go out, do his own thing, meet friends and meet me then when he’s available. He found an apartment straight away but told me that we will still see each other.

We never fought and we were really happy, he just changed the last week and decided he needed space. He said 'hes only young and needs freedom'. I feel really rejected. I had a job interview this morning and my self esteem was a bit shot. I said all the right things to him re. respecting his feelings but I wonder if anyone else came back from a relationship after space was needed?
I also have a young son, I was parenting alone and his decision to come in and walk away from it has broken my heart. I was upset at his decision but I was very respectful to his feelings although I was hurt by his decision.

I feel really angry about all of this because he wanted to move in with me and I accepted.
Should I be respectful of his need for space and work on the relationship with him - but what if we live together later in life and he feels cramped again. I feel really let down, he would look at me and say I cant wait to marry you, he led me to believe that it was all true.

Should I allow him space and our relationship to continue that suits his mental capacity or is this a sign of more difficult things ahead. I really don’t know, Im too embarrassed to tell my friends, they knew how much I adored him.
I feel really rejected, Ive never been here before.

whiskeyman

Sounds like commitment issues.
How is he with your son?
I wonder is living with you both taking it toll? (I don't mean that in a bad way).
It's one thing moving in with your partner, but I'm sure with a kid for the first time must take some getting used to also.
I'm not giving him an excuse mind you - he should have expected it to be very different and be willing to adapt.
I wouldn't be willing to accept his answer at that and revert to how things were. Your relationship should be going forwards, not backwards.
The mental health issue sounds like a smokescreen - you mentioned he seemed happy. Did he ever bring this up before?

Thinking about it again, 6 months may be a quick time (for some) to move in together.
Was he fully behind this decision in the first place? You said he was, but was he actively suggesting it?

If possible, I think you need to tell a close friend or family member. They'll know you, and him, better than people on here and can be a helpful ear to listen.

Try keep your head up and best of luck of luck with the job interview.

Lux23

It might be commitment issues, but maybe you just aren't looking for the same things. If you want a more settled relationship, maybe he isn't the right man for you.

ladygirl

I would question why you moved someone into your sons home after only 6 months of dating him. How unsettling for your child.

LegacyUser

6 months is far too soon for a couple to move in together in my opinion. Especially if there's a child involved. My guess is that your relationship was quite the whirlwind and once reality hit, your boyfriend started asking himself what on earth had he let himself in for. It is quite a lot that he took on here. He didn't just get you - he also got a child that isn't his. That's quite a burden for someone to take on and it isn't for everyone.

I also think someone saying "I can't wait to marry you" less than 6 months into a relationship is a warning sign that things were off kilter. It often happens that people who are too full-on in the early stages of a relationship will back away equally as dramatically.

My take on this is that the relationship is all but over. He has moved out and all he wants now is to see you occasionally. Those aren't the words of a man who's in love with his girlfriend and can't wait to see her again. Sorry.

orthsquel

How long are you actually in a relationship together? Is it 6 months? If it's only 6 months you've been in a relationship together I think it's a bit soon to be moving in with someone, never mind someone who has a child.

Perhaps the reality of living with another adult in a relationship, and living with their child wore off the romantic notion of living together. Sure on paper even if he has a good relationship with the child (if you're longer together than 6 months, how long into the relationship did you introduce them to eachother? Did they get on well? If the relationship was 6 months and less, did the child even get a chance to get to know him before he moved in?) it sounds like a breeze and cute and fun... but the reality of a child and everything that comes with it depending on the age of the child and where they are in developing (e.g. if in nappies, or potty training or on the way back to school) and the amount of time and attention and focus on the child as opposed to the romantic relationship and what someone thrown into what could be unknown and new territory could be quite intense and too much and a massive distance from the romantic notion of playing the romantic couple with a child over to the side / happy families living out in suburbia.

Give him space, but I would suggest that you focus on yourself and your child. I wouldn't worry about what ifs in the future, but what I would say about the future if he or another individual becomes a romantic interest is that you take your time and go slowly. It sounds as if it was all a bit of a whirlwind and a bit intense, especially if you were only together 6 months and he was already living with you! You need to be sure that it's a real, concrete idea and not just the romantic notion someone has who feels the need to live it now and live a relationship to its completion or end in a very short space of time.

For your sake and your child's sake with both this guy and future relationships you take it slowly, enjoy the relationship, let the child and whoever you are in a relationship with get to know eachother over time if and only if you feel like they are going to stick around for the long term..

Tell your friends, never mind the embarrassment. We all make mistakes with choices and decisions, but it doesn't mean you should feel alone and lonely in a time when you ought to have your friends around you, who care about you and want the best for you.

dudara

@ladygirl - the PI/RI forum is about offering constructive, considered advice to the OP. Please read the forum charter and post accordingly.

dudara

candy-gal1

Tbh OP thank you for posting this as about 2 years ago I had sort of the same situation, no moving in or anything and neither me nor the bf have kids, but at that time we were going out in a relationship etc for almost a year and a half and then all of a sudden one day he came out with the needing space/mind issues etc etc same as your bf it sounds.

Now he had promised me the world at that time, told me all the right things, promises, was happy and imho we got on really well together and that too (he said himself too), we saw each other Id say about 4-5 times a week.

F;)or about a month or 2 after that things were touch and go, still together and monogomous etc as we discussed (i had to make sure) , but he got all angsty if I called him bf or wanted to see him more than a couple of times a week etc, and he always said it was nothing to do with me, twas his head issues!
He had depression a long time ago apparrantly, and has slight ADHD so yeah I could understand

That wrecked me at the time but imho Im glad I stuck out those 2 months as if I didnt we wouldnt be still going strong, almost back to the way we were , and over 3years together

Im not saying to stay OP, but think hard before making either decision tbh Good luck and I hope it all works out!

LegacyUser

Oldtown2015 wrote: »

6 months is far too soon for a couple to move in together in my opinion. Especially if there's a child involved. My guess is that your relationship was quite the whirlwind and once reality hit, your boyfriend started asking himself what on earth had he let himself in for. It is quite a lot that he took on here. He didn't just get you - he also got a child that isn't his. That's quite a burden for someone to take on and it isn't for everyone.

+ 1 to the above. He didn't just move in with you OP he changed pretty much everything (move from city center, moved from apartment, moved in with child etc) while you had in comparison very little change. I'm not trying to excuse him, he should have been more up front but sounds like he just wasn't aware how big a change it was going to be and not ready to make those big alterations to his life. I think he moved with good intentions but then the reality of it hit and he just wasn't able for it. It's not your fault or his fault, just not a good match.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for all your input. I wasn't expecting any sugar coated comments so your honesty on my personal issue is highly appreciated.

@Ladygirl - I knew him for a very long time before we entered into a relationship - we were very good friends for two years, so we saw each other most days and would have dinner in my house as we enjoyed each others company. He got on very well with my son, he would play with him attentively before he moved in and after he moved in he would play with him each evening, lego etc, and was very kind to him. We were seeing each other for a few months and officially dating six months.

Yes all, it was passionate, whirlwind. We ticked alot of each others boxes until the move in cramped his style.

He called over last night and said he loved me and that we were still together, just not living together. However, @Oldtowns2015 - I really appreciate your opinion, particularly "My take on this is that the relationship is all but over. He has moved out and all he wants now is to see you occasionally. Those aren't the words of a man who's in love with his girlfriend and can't wait to see her again". I cried myself to sleep last night, I felt the same but I wondered was I being selfish letting myself feel this way, I have to honour his honesty and respect his decision as well. I appreciate your honesty. This helps me to take decisive action.

@Cant log in: thank you for your opinion. I appreciate the change was alot on his part, I didnt really see this until you highlighted it. Thank you.

@Oldtown2015: I really appreciate your comment.

@Lux - I want a more settled relationship, thank you for your comment.

Everyone, I have an excellent job in management, I can afford a lot in my life, I just made an error of judgement in this case. I realise the impact it will have on my son. I will do my best with him to understand and I will not take a decision like this without serious judgement again, I really was blindsided thinking he was 'the one', etc. I let love cloud my judgement. Feel broken but will be strong for me and my son.

Thank you Dudara.