Do I say anything yet?

Confucius say

Hi all. Sorry for the long post. Just looking for some general advice here. Back in March, a 3 year relationship I was involved in came to an end. It wasn't a good relationship overall and I was often subjected to all kinds of abuse from the woman, physical and verbal. I was also cheated on and this was spun so that it was somehow my fault and she always said she'd never apologise for it. I can't for the life of me see why I ever hung on and didn't leave but I guess I just didn't want to give up on it and believe I truly loved her. I really don't think I did love her at all when I look back now though. The thing is we were actually engaged to be married, it would have been a few weeks ago, but that never went ahead as she called the thing off, and I haven't spoken to or seen her since, I decided it was best to cut all contact and move on. I have no interest in ever hearing from or seeing her again, and fingers crossed I’ll never bump into her, we have zero ties now.

So life improved pretty quickly after the split, I felt great again and the anxiety that relationship caused me was gone and I learned a lot about myself and what I want from a relationship in future. I went on some dates and they were all nice but amounted to nothing.

I met someone new a few weeks ago and it seems to be going great. We have really fun dates and the intimate part of things is exciting and natural. I’m really attracted to her, it seems to be mutual, and she’s just the opposite of my ex and the kind of girl I’m looking for. She has her head screwed on, is good with money, she’s smart and takes care of herself. She’s basically all the things my ex wasn’t, and instead of being brought down by someone I think this girl would make me want to improve myself as I have been doing the last few months, and I can’t see how she could cause any of the chaos I had with the previous girl. When I think about it, there were more red flags than a communist rally with the last one so being with someone normal now is almost unbelievable.

I’m trying to take it quite slow and we only see each other about once maybe twice a week at the moment. She seems quite independent and happy to do her own thing, and does a lot of things alone too which I like about her.

So my question is – I haven’t told her much at all about my train wreck of a relationship, it’s dead and buried as far as I’m concerned and I’d wipe the memory from my brain if I could. I’m just afraid if I tell her about the whole engagement thing and cancelled weddings it will put her off. I realise I’ll have to tell her sooner or later but when should I tell her? What would you think if you were her and heard this? I feel like I’m damaged goods and I wish I didn’t have that whole episode associated with me. I’ve a good feeling about this and I could see it going far less my ridiculous past throws a spanner in the works. We’re both mid 30s by the way, in case that matters.

Thanks for reading!

CaraMay

It's too soon to tell her anything. If you get more serious you can tell her you were engaged and it didn't work out. There is no need to over share details of your relationship. Just take it slow

magicmushroom

It wouldn't be a big issue for me really if I met someone new who had been previously engaged. There's not much difference to that in living with someone for a few years or having a child.

As we get older we've all got baggage and exes, it would be quite odd not to.

I wouldn't worry about it - you will obviously want to tell her at some stage but I really wouldn't see it as a massive thing

Jotunheim

I've had a broken engagement. Anytime I've told someone I was dating about it, it carried the conversation along for all of 5 mins, then it was forgotten about. Not a big deal and don't be stressing yourself by building it up in your head.

Confucius say

It's just that it's pretty resent and I guess I still feel a bit of failure about the whole thing and can't believe it all happened. I guess I don't need to tell her all the deets, hopefully she's understanding.

MintyMagnum

I wouldn't have expected you to marry a cheater, I doubt your new partner would either.

Jotunheim

Confucius say wrote: »

It's just that it's pretty resent and I guess I still feel a bit of failure about the whole thing and can't believe it all happened. I guess I don't need to tell her all the deets, hopefully she's understanding.

Address the feeling like a failure thing as soon as you can, perhaps with counselling, but whatever you do don't convince yourself of that because it's far from a failure. Personally I think a genuine failure would be to carry on with a wedding in spite of knowing that it would be a terrible idea.


As to her understanding, consider it a handy test of whether or not you're suited for each other, if she reacts badly then you know she's not for you and you can address that as you need to.

arayess

i wouldn't bring it up as an announcement. But if it's brought up naturally then don't lie be honest but i wouldn't slag off your ex no matter how you feel about her.
To me people slagging off their ex always seemed petty and unattractive. But don't be dishonest either I'd use diplomatic language and its' fine to say "i don't know why I hung on there" we've all been there.

anyway as you are both mid 30's I'd say she has had a broken engagement /cohabitation or serious relationship along the way too.

Confucius say

arayess wrote: »

i wouldn't bring it up as an announcement. But if it's brought up naturally then don't lie be honest but i wouldn't slag off your ex no matter how you feel about her.
To me people slagging off their ex always seemed petty and unattractive. But don't be dishonest either I'd use diplomatic language and its' fine to say "i don't know why I hung on there" we've all been there.

anyway as you are both mid 30's I'd say she has had a broken engagement /cohabitation or serious relationship along the way too.

Yeah she was with some dude for 8 years, her only meaningful relationship. I wouldn't bad mouth ex to anyone I agree it's conceited and petty and shows you up pretty bad.