Wife went on 2 week Holiday without me

redcup342

Myself and my wife live abroad for 8 years now.

I'm working and after being in and out of jobs she's gone back to college to get a qualification.

Since she's in College she never really got a chance to travel/backpack and wanted to do a backpacking/roadtrip.

I thought this was a great idea as I've always wanted to do a road trip for a few weeks with a gang of people.

So we have some friends, I know kind of well. One of them said to her he was doing a road trip to Eastern Europe/Western Asia. I said great, at this point I assumed it meant the both of us.

Then it transpired I wasn't invited as there was only space for 4 people in the car (strange as it's a 5 seater car)

I wasn't very happy about this, if it was myself and a friend and we couldn't go together then I just wouldn't go and would wait for an opportunity to go with my buddy.

I thought the same logic would apply if you are in a relationship.

In any case I though it's better she go as she really wants to do this type of trip and I can arrange another trip at some point in the Future (was thinking maybe the Amsterdam - Dakar banger rally)

The above situation is fine with me but now I have a problem I didn't really account for, she's on a trip with three guys. Our friends are starting to ask me about it and they seem to very surprised that I am ok with that situation.

So for now I'm just avoiding the subject with friends, as I find myself defending her actions.

Some examples.
E.G.

Why didn't you go as well - I wasn't invited, there wasn't space in the car.

You're ok with her on a trip with just guys - Yeh sure their fine, there was one girl there but she's gone home now.

The more people ask me questions the more it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not going to lie to them (although I did tell someone I didn't really want to go just to shut them up - but this was not the case)

So for the moment I'm just avoiding the topic with people.

laserlad2010

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

You'll certainly divide opinion here in RI on the 3 guys issue.

How vocal were you on wanting to get away with her? How discussion did you have about it beforehand? If this is a trip she's always wanted to do, and you couldn't really get away, and you both know the people she's travelling with... Not much to complain about.

If people are asking you if you're ok with it... just calmly look them in the eye and ask them what they're suggesting. Are they suggesting that your wife is planning to cheat on you? It will certainly nip 99% of the comments in the bud.

Personally, and I'm not married, I'd be uncomfortable for a few reasons.

1. Why can't the two of you do this trip?
2. Is there something deeprooted at work here? Is she happy?
3. (Subtly) what are the living arrangements? I'd still be uncomfortable with her sharing sleeping quarters with another man, but I wouldn't make a huge deal about it

Look, and this should be a disclaimer before you start threads in RI, you're just going to have to talk to her. Not every discussion needs to be an argument. Outline why you're unhappy - she is your best friend, your support and she needs to see things from your POV

If my wife was unhappy about something I'd want to hear about it - apply the same rules to yourself.

zeffabelli

You owe no one any explanations about your marriage.

It's private. Establish boundaries.

redcup342

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

You'll certainly divide opinion here in RI on the 3 guys issue.

How vocal were you on wanting to get away with her? How discussion did you have about it beforehand? If this is a trip she's always wanted to do, and you couldn't really get away, and you both know the people she's travelling with... Not much to complain about.

I was pretty vocal on it, when the topic first came arose I was quite stoked, I've always wanted to do a European road trip, then she told me I wasn't invited. There seemed to be an answer for everything.

E.G.
Not enough space in the car
Someone needs to look after the dog
You should keep your holidays for Christmas

It did turn into an argument as the topic became un-resolvable.
She was making out that I know these people really well when actually I've only ever met them at parties at friends places.

I began to wonder if I knew these people so well then why would they not mention it to me at all.

laserlad2010 wrote: »

If people are asking you if you're ok with it... just calmly look them in the eye and ask them what they're suggesting. Are they suggesting that your wife is planning to cheat on you? It will certainly nip 99% of the comments in the bud.

Easier said than done, but this all came up when I was looking for someone to look after the dog overnight so I could go to a Music Festival, it's a bit more difficult to be so abrupt with someone when you are asking a favor of them.

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Personally, and I'm not married, I'd be uncomfortable for a few reasons.

1. Why can't the two of you do this trip?
2. Is there something deeprooted at work here? Is she happy?
3. (Subtly) what are the living arrangements? I'd still be uncomfortable with her sharing sleeping quarters with another man, but I wouldn't make a huge deal about it

1. There was no reason we both couldn't do the trip, dog could have gone into kennels, I could easily take time off work, if space in the car was an issue I have a roof box we could have used. I just get the feeling they didn't want me to go.

2. I think were pretty happy, we've had some rough patches, of course having one person in the relationship not working causes friction sometimes. Also I commute every day to work for around 3 hours round trip which can make me a bit cranky sometimes.

3. They are sleeping in Hostels and and tenting it, not really much I can do about that after the fact.

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Look, and this should be a disclaimer before you start threads in RI, you're just going to have to talk to her. Not every discussion needs to be an argument. Outline why you're unhappy - she is your best friend, your support and she needs to see things from your POV

If my wife was unhappy about something I'd want to hear about it - apply the same rules to yourself.

The situation was I made my feelings clear that I wasn't ok with her going, there was a girl there for a few days but she left at some stage.

My problem is that if the situation was reversed she would definitely not be ok with me going on a holiday with 3 women and sharing sleeping accommodation.

A friendship and a relationship are obviously a different dynamic, if a friend dumped me to go off on a trip with some other people I would be a bit upset.

Since it's my Wife it just hurts much more and people questions I think the peopled that questioned if I was ok were just more concerned than anything else.

I think she just wanted to do the trip on her own. Which is fair enough, but it ballooned into a completely unsuitable situation to do it. The flights were expensive as well and she didn't want to waste the money.

laserlad2010

Thanks for elaborating OP.

Look, man, you're going to have to stand your ground. You feel hurt by her actions, you need to tell her so and listen to her explanation.

If you are happy with it, great, put it in the past and move on.

If not (and I'm siding with you here 100%, because if it happened to me the way it's happened to you there'd be war, absolute war), then you need to take steps - be it further conversations, time apart, whatever.

I picked up on the "concerned friends" wrong - I would use this to bolster your own confidence that you are right to be unhappy about it.

Ultimately this could all just be over needing a bit of space. Hopefully that's whats happened.

Potatoeman

Are these her friends or yours? It's odd that you were not invited and she didn't want you there.

redcup342

Potatoeman wrote: »

Are these her friends or yours? It's odd that you were not invited and she didn't want you there.

Two of the guys I know fairly well, the third guy I don't know very well at all.

Although I don't think she knows him very well either.

magicmushroom

I do think it's odd alright, it does sound like she didn't want there which is very hurtful.

How is the relationship normally; are you having problems?
And how does she know these guys so well but you don't?
Are they single?

I wouldn't feel there is much of an issue with her having male friends but to go away with 3 of them and make it clear she doesn't want you there is unacceptable behaviour in a relationship.

I can tell you now that in my last long term relationship, when I 'went off' my partner I wanted to spend time in other men's company.
It gave me a kind of confidence boost and it was nice to have a flirt and kind of act single. When I realised this, I split up with my partner because I didn't want to cheat and I knew my behaviour was wrong and unfair.

Obviously it could be a completely different situation for your wife but I'm just throwing out my experience because for me, if I'm happy in a relationship I most definitely wouldn't want to go on a 2 week trip with other males and leave my partner at home!

Potatoeman

redcup342 wrote: »

Two of the guys I know fairly well, the third guy I don't know very well at all.

Although I don't think she knows him very well either.

Why was she invited instead of you, does she know any of them better?

How do you not know how well she knows the third guy?

arayess

i think there is something suspect going on, it certainly isn't reasonable behaviour. Excluding a partner isn't nice or normal behaviour unless something is being hidden.

It might not be that she is having an affair but it is clear she is trying to drive a wedge between you by creating this distance.
Wanting to go away with friends is fine but purposely excluding a partner isn't on. I'm less bother by the fact they are male friends but i'd be wary in case some of them drop out and it's her and one male who actually go.

you said she wasn't working yet she is partying around europe , I assume on your cash (or cash you earned) while outright telling you that you aren't welcome. That would grate me .

I don't have any advice for you other than to say your relationship is broken. what you do is up to you but don't be a doormat for her poor behaviour. If she won't change then you need to consider your options.

redcup342

magicmushroom wrote: »

I do think it's odd alright, it does sound like she didn't want there which is very hurtful.

How is the relationship normally; are you having problems?
And how does she know these guys so well but you don't?
Are they single?

Not really having problems except for the standard work/life balance stuff.

We went on a 1 week trip away just before she went on this trip which was nice, she has eczema and wanted a relaxing break before going on a road trip. She's been pretty miserable with it. Although the only reason I went on this trip before was because she seemed so miserable and seemed to need a bit of sun/relaxation but it wouldn't have been my first choice.

We know them pretty equally I think. I think one of the guys is gay, the other two guys i'm not sure, never had a reason to ask.

magicmushroom wrote: »

I wouldn't feel there is much of an issue with her having male friends but to go away with 3 of them and make it clear she doesn't want you there is unacceptable behaviour in a relationship.

I can tell you now that in my last long term relationship, when I 'went off' my partner I wanted to spend time in other men's company.
It gave me a kind of confidence boost and it was nice to have a flirt and kind of act single. When I realised this, I split up with my partner because I didn't want to cheat and I knew my behaviour was wrong and unfair.

Obviously it could be a completely different situation for your wife but I'm just throwing out my experience because for me, if I'm happy in a relationship I most definitely wouldn't want to go on a 2 week trip with other males and leave my partner at home!

I think originally there was a girl going on the trip but then she decided to cut the trip short. So she ended up with this situation, tipped by the flights already being booked.

arayess wrote: »

i think there is something suspect going on, it certainly isn't reasonable behaviour. Excluding a partner isn't nice or normal behaviour unless something is being hidden.

It might not be that she is having an affair but it is clear she is trying to drive a wedge between you by creating this distance.
Wanting to go away with friends is fine but purposely excluding a partner isn't on. I'm less bother by the fact they are male friends but i'd be wary in case some of them drop out and it's her and one male who actually go.

you said she wasn't working yet she is partying around europe , I assume on your cash (or cash you earned) while outright telling you that you aren't welcome. That would grate me .

I don't have any advice for you other than to say your relationship is broken. what you do is up to you but don't be a doormat for her poor behaviour. If she won't change then you need to consider your options.

I don't think she's having an affair

I don't think our relationship is broken either.

This is more about me feeling excluded, the situation with an all guy trip evolved by accident I'm pretty sure of that.

Although If the situation was reversed I think I would have just cancelled the trip.

DukeOfTheSharp

Sounds kind of selfish really. Honestly if you feel like you're hurt by this then sit her down and tell her that this kind of thing is not ok, what you'd do in that situation - for example canceling out of consideration for her feelings and actually wanting to spend time with her - and generally making it clear that this isn't a thing you're willing to deal with. You're married, that doesn't suddenly mean all boundaries are lifted, you've to feel comfortable and so does she. I think she'll understand (not much use now, but how and ever) but it's important to lay down what makes you feel good/bad early so that this kind of thing doesn't continually happen.

arayess

redcup342 wrote: »

I don't think she's having an affair

I don't think our relationship is broken either.

This is more about me feeling excluded, the situation with an all guy trip evolved by accident I'm pretty sure of that.

Although If the situation was reversed I think I would have just cancelled the trip.

sorry I didn't mean she was or intended to have an affair. Just when people see 1 woman and 3 men together with husband at home they assume something untoward is happening.

You are in the relationship not me so you know better than me - i can only go on what you wrote. But it looks like you are being excluded and excluded with a fair degree of vigour on her part if I'm honest. Which isn't a great sign that a relationship is going well. I'd consider something wrong with the relationship if that was me, just my opinion though.

anyway I wish you the best and I hope it works out well for you.

Gongoozler

OP it sounds like she's purposefully trying to spend time away, from you or just away, it's not clear which.

If you're sure she wouldn't be ok with you doing the same thing I'd bring that up. But obviously you're not going to resolve anything here.

I did wonder when I read this though:

redcup342 wrote: »

Also I commute every day to work for around 3 hours round trip which can make me a bit cranky sometimes.

It doesn't make you sound very fun, like the type of person who would be fun to have on a road trip. Could it be this?

laserlad2010

Gongoozler wrote: »

OP it sounds like she's purposefully trying to spend time away, from you or just away, it's not clear which.

If you're sure she wouldn't be ok with you doing the same thing I'd bring that up. But obviously you're not going to resolve anything here.

I did wonder when I read this though:



It doesn't make you sound very fun, like the type of person who would be fun to have on a road trip. Could it be this?

I think he means that by the time he's home after his long commute, he's tired and cranky and she might be fresh from being in the house.

redcup342

Gongoozler wrote: »

It doesn't make you sound very fun, like the type of person who would be fun to have on a road trip. Could it be this?

I've gone on trips with other friends before, e.g. Camper road trip to the south of Germany and many festivals in a group, just never with these people before.

Just this weekend myself and 2 friends went on an impromptu road trip to a Festival in Germany and stayed overnight with camping ... also I've never had issues with people on these kinds of things.

I'm also willing to share driving, cleaning, cooking, making sure people are ok in the group and don't mind paying for stuff either.

The comment on my 3 hours commute was more around someone asking if there was anything wrong in our relationship. Commuting for 1000km / week would cause some minor problems from time to time of course in that the monotony of sitting in a car doing the same motorway trip every day for 5 years would get on anyone at some point.

Was just trying to look at myself objectively really.

PinkLemonade

laserlad2010 wrote: »

I think he means that by the time he's home after his long commute, he's tired and cranky and she might be fresh from being in the house.

Yes college is basically the same as lazing around the house.

It's not realistic to put five adults in a car for a long road trip - that suggestion is a bit silly OP.

How often do you go on holidays with your wife OP?

I don't know if it's fair to begrudge her for going, I think your both kinda being selfish here

laserlad2010

When is she due back?

I've had a good think about it and your strongest argument centres around the exclusion. In fact, I would make it entirely about that. Even if you were, or weren't, ok about the guys on the trip, by leaving that out you can retain the moral high ground and still crucify her for going.

Look, man, the bottom line is she's done something disrespectful and hurtful. You absolutely must pull her up on it - and her reaction will give you all you need to know about how to proceed.

If she had explained to you that she needed space, or that she just wanted to get away with her friends... that might be different.

laserlad2010

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Yes college is basically the same as lazing around the house.

It's not realistic to put five adults in a car for a long road trip - that suggestion is a bit silly OP.

How often do you go on holidays with your wife OP?

I don't know if it's fair to begrudge her for going, I think your both kinda being selfish here

I did not infer that, calm down and get back in your box. I merely pointed out that she wouldn't be as tired at 8pm as someone who has done a full days work and a 90 minute drive if, as the OP has stated, she doesn't work and is doing various college courses.

The issue at hand here is his wife's behaviour - hurt is a subjective emotion so if he feels hurt despite attempting to be ok with the plan, then that's his perogative.

He's already pointed out that he's ok with her actually taking the trip without him, it was he way she went about it - actively excluding him without a valid reason why.

LegacyUser

redcup342 wrote: »

I've gone on trips with other friends before, e.g. Camper road trip to the south of Germany and many festivals in a group, just never with these people before.

Just this weekend myself and 2 friends went on an impromptu road trip to a Festival in Germany and stayed overnight with camping ... also I've never had issues with people on these kinds of things.

Where these trips before or after you meet your wife i.e. did she go on them with you? Clearly she didn't go this weekend but was this impromptu road trip because she is away or something that you do often? Maybe she just felt she never got a chance do something like this and wanted to it do by herself rather then as a couple. It's of course nice to do things together as a couple but I've seen friends in relationships get a bit worn out when all their activities are couples activities and they find they've no stories to tell that are just their own. If you've traveled more then her maybe she just wanted to do something as herself. We don't know OP as clearly we don't know your history, her history or your history together but you do so something to maybe think about.

Couples don't need to be joined at the hip and can travel apart, myself and my hubby do it regular as he's into this band I don't like and I have a hobby that requires travel that he isn't into so we go with friends or alone but it's always something agreed together as a couple and we don't leave the other stuck.

She's gone for 2 weeks, hardly worlds greatest road trip. My dad fecked off for 18 months volunteering in South East Asia in his late 40s because my mum had done it in Africa in her early 20's before they meet and it was something he'd always wanted to do. At this stage she's gone so not much to change that now but you should sit and talk about it when she gets back.

As for people commenting about her being gone honestly it's none of their business. People commented to my mum when my dad was gone but she just said he's alive and well and will be back in no time and moved the conversation on.

redcup342

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Yes college is basically the same as lazing around the house.

I never mentioned anything about that, I can only explain how my commute takes its toll on me personally, I cannot make assumptions or a comparison to hers.

PinkLemonade wrote: »

It's not realistic to put five adults in a car for a long road trip - that suggestion is a bit silly OP.

It's a larger car than mine and we've done trips before, I have a roof box so it leaves plenty of space in the car itself.

But that's not really the point anyway, the point is that she did not say she wanted to go without me, she made up reasons why I couldn't go.

PinkLemonade wrote: »

How often do you go on holidays with your wife OP?

That depends on what you class as a holiday, when you are an expat everyone thinks you are constantly on holiday.

PinkLemonade wrote: »

I don't know if it's fair to begrudge her for going, I think your both kinda being selfish here

Well I can't help that I feel excluded and to work out why I just tried to rationalise what I would do in that situation

LegacyUser

redcup342 wrote: »

That depends on what you class as a holiday, when you are an expat everyone thinks you are constantly on holiday.

I'm an expat and no one thinks I'm constantly on holiday. A holiday OP I would class as any trip away from home (i.e. your current home) that has an overnight stay. You've already mentioned recent unplanned weekend road trips and a music festival (unless those were the same thing) Those are 'holidays' in my mind so how often do you go away, does your wife go away and do you both go away together? It's not that hard a question to answer.

bee06

I find it very strange that she'd want to go on holiday without you really. I'd never go on holiday without my husband ... it wouldn't be the same without him. If it came down to a space issue in the car I'd have said, grand we'll leave it to another time when we can both go.