Am i being petty

LegacyUser

So I am 3 years ahead in college and around 18 months older than my girlfriend, we have been together just 3 months. Now, I don't know if this is petty but some boy has just asked her to be his date to the Grad. I don't know the guy but they were scoring before we got together. This is the first time the age gap between us has bothered me as things like the grad are well behind me. She has already said yes so its not like she can tell the chancer to take a hike. I'm letting on all is well, as its early days to act the jealous maggot. I would have liked if she asked if it was okay with me. All the lads are having a right laugh that I let the girlfriend on dates :P I suppose its not so much of looking for help, but opinions as to if I'm being petty? :P

Idle Passerby

I don't think the age gap, which is small, is the problem. The issue is that your girlfriend is effectively going on a date with a guy she recently used to hook up with. Have ye had the exclusivity talk yet? Does the guy know shes in a relationship now? Has she reassured you that they are just going as friends? if the answer to any of those is no, I think you need to have a chat with her about what you find acceptable.

Penny Tration

The age gap doesn't sound like a problem.

Your girlfriend going for a dressed up, booze filled event as date to a guy she was previously with is a problem.

Did she ask you at all?

kylith

I don't think you should pretend that you're ok with this. You don't have to lose the head or anything, but just say to her that you have a bit of an issue of her going to a grad with a bloke she used to sleep with. I doubt she'd be delighted about you going to a do with one of your exes so hopefully a sensible chat will sort things out.

Diamond Doll

Hmm I don't think that going as his date is necessarily a problem, the lack of communication definitely is though.

In your position, I wouldn't have felt the need to grant her "permission" to go as such, but I would have appreciated being involved in the whole thing. I think she should have run it by you, let you know whether the fella involved is aware she's with you now and still wants to bring her, let you know what their relationship is like now (Are they friends? Any possible residual feelings on either side?)

I'd sit down with her and have a proper chat about the whole thing to put your mind at ease. But to be honest, in your position, I'd be slightly miffed that she didn't initiate that chat in the first place, before agreeing to be his date. And I'm not the jealous type at all, I'm very trusting when in a relationship ... but you can't build that sort of trust without very open and honest communication in the first place.

Exclamation Marc

Given that you're calling her your girlfriend, it implies that this is more than something free and casual so I don't think you're being petty at all.

Let's be honest, a guy on his graduation is going to be looking for a boozy night, having some fun and probably get with a girl at the end of the night (I understanding I'm assuming this other guys personality, but he's a young lad on graduation). Given they have history, maybe he's looking at her as an option. If it was my gf and she was going with a 100% platonic friend where there was no history or no chance of anything, I'd be super cool with it. But if there's any history there combined with what will be an absolute drink-fest, it's a big no-no for me.

They're probably going to get absolutely hammered drunk and when two people have history and you're 'new' on the scene, something could happen where suddenly she's not thinking straight or she gets too smashed to make a rational decision. I wouldn't use that line with her, but just for yourself for some perspective to re-assure you that you're not being petty. It's not to say something will happen, but at this early stage of a relationship, it's certainly one of a few possibilities. I would just sit down with her as soon as possible (give the guy a chance to find a replacement if she does pull out) and say that it's something that makes you uncomfortable. As others have said, if it was the other way around, she'd probably be quite unhappy about it.

Do you have any idea why they stopped being together? Was she only asked recently or is this something that was agreed pre-you? As if it was only agreed to recently, it's slightly disrespectful that she didn't even think to speak to you first just to smooth the road.

Also, it's not her graduation so it's not as if you're asking her to skip hers or make a scene on her 'big night'. From her perspective, it's only a night out so bailing on it should not be a huge issue as it sounds.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't call you petty as I suppose it is not that unusual for someone to perhaps get a little awkward twinge of being uncomfortable when it comes to partner's and their exes or in the early days wondering what their relationship is like now.
I think your friends are worsening the situation though with their slagging and joking with you too, so I wouldn't call you petty for having a bit of concern or initial wariness but at the same time I would completely disagree with you kicking up a fuzz or trying to prevent this in some way either.

I'm guessing she must still be quite good friends with her ex? You are only on the scene 3 months and I think it would be completely unreasonable for you to be putting your foot down here and making a big deal about it or trying to tell her what she can or can't do with regards her friendship with someone she knows longer than you and is presumably quite good friends with regardless of whether they used to date or not.

I don't think it's very fair to be instantly calling the guy a "chancer" or fair of the people who suggested she just bail on the guy either and leave him searching for a new date somehow. Without knowing further information none of us can say what the reasons behind this "date" are for sure, but just as it has been speculated that he is is a "chancer" who wants to get smashed and has a master plan to try it on with this girl, it could also be speculated that they came to some agreement about this some time ago that if he wasn't dating anybody come his grad that they would go as friends, they seemed to have had an amicable split so that's not a long shot, or he may not have many other female friends, they might just get along well and have a laugh, maybe she really wants the great craic of the grad night out and is happy for the invite to a fun filled night?

By all means be open with her and admit that this has made you feel a little bit insecure or jealous or uncomfortable or whatever and I'm sure she will completely reassure you that they are just friends and that you have nothing to worry about. And hey if you know the guy yourself or other people graduating maybe your girlfriend and her date/friend and a few other grads could meet up with you and your friends for a houseparty or something
after they finish their own grad night out in the nightclub or whatever? I would only suggest this though if you know some of them to at least say hello to and not if they are complete strangers. If you are already acquaintances though it could give you the chance to get to know some of her friends better and see what they are really like, might turn out to be completely sound.

So yes, tell her how you feel but I wouldn't get angry or demanding about it.
As for her running it by you beforehand, what did you expect her to do? She has told you the plans and it's not like it is being kept a big secret from you. Did you expect her to ask permission/ask if you would be ok with it first? Say she had asked first if you were ok with it and you're not so you told her you didn't want her to attend, what then? Would you have expected her to cancel or would she have still ended up just going anyways therefore making running it by you first pretty pointless?

In her shoes after only 3 months of seeing a guy, it wouldn't even cross my mind to ask permission or if it was ok if I knew I was still going to go anyways, and to be honest I know I would still go anyways because I wouldn't be comfortable with someone I was only seeing 3 months having a say in how I spent my time with a friend even if they were an ex. I think I would have done exactly like your girlfriend did without much thought, accepted the invite from friend and then told you about it straight away. If it then transpired that you were feeling a bit insecure about I wouldn't be angry and would trip over myself to reassure you that you had no need to worry and I would probably even arrange to meet you at the end of the night and spend the night with you > because like I said there is nothing wrong with being honest about feeling a bit insecure, but if you got angry or controlling about it I would run for the hills. I would see it as way too much too soon in my own personal opinion.

So just try to be open but tactful in how you handle this.

LegacyUser

Op here, I've been kind of with her since the start of the year, it's only within the last 3 months that we have been going out so although it is a relationship, it still is early days and I don't want to scare her ha!It was before she started college that she was with this guy, so I've never met him. He only asked her this week. I did feel she should have asked before saying yes. It is a date, and I know only too well what goes on when alcohol is involved. I do trust her, but alcohol and having a history with someone is a different story. So I did say it to her that I wasn't happy that she didn't ask if it was okay. She has reassured me that they're just friends etc etc and she is the type of girl that is really good fun and she would be the ideal date as he wouldn't need to mind her for the night. He knows she's in a relationship, it's all over facebook anyway!!! I'm not going to tell her not to go i dont want to put her in that position either. I was expecting replies telling me I needed to cop on, so glad I'm not completely crazy. It's just a thing I'll have to get over I suppose.

Exclamation Marc

disaster29 wrote: »

Op here, I've been kind of with her since the start of the year, it's only within the last 3 months that we have been going out so although it is a relationship, it still is early days and I don't want to scare her ha!It was before she started college that she was with this guy, so I've never met him. He only asked her this week. I did feel she should have asked before saying yes. It is a date, and I know only too well what goes on when alcohol is involved. I do trust her, but alcohol and having a history with someone is a different story. So I did say it to her that I wasn't happy that she didn't ask if it was okay. She has reassured me that they're just friends etc etc and she is the type of girl that is really good fun and she would be the ideal date as he wouldn't need to mind her for the night. He knows she's in a relationship, it's all over facebook anyway!!! I'm not going to tell her not to go i dont want to put her in that position either. I was expecting replies telling me I needed to cop on, so glad I'm not completely crazy. It's just a thing I'll have to get over I suppose.

Well good on ya for being ok with it. If my gf turned around to me and said she was going on a date with a former fling, and that she said yes to the date 3 months into our relationship without even consulting me, I'd no doubt be pretty p!ssed off and saying it ain't gonna happen.

The main thing is that you trust her and you know her better than anyone here obviously so only you can best judge it. But a girlfriend accepting and going on a date whilst in a relationship with someone else (and not even consulting you?!?) ..... It's very very odd. It's not as if this is her best mate; and she does has a boyfriend. I can't think of any rational reason why someone in a relationship would go on a date with a former fling, apart from wanting both a single life and a relationship.

LegacyUser

FireballPitcher wrote: »

I can't think of any rational reason why someone in a relationship would go on a date with a former fling, apart from wanting both a single life and a relationship.

To be honest, this is the part that bothers me most too.

Rubberchikken

at the end of the day she's her own person and doesn't need permission to go anywhere with anyone. why it must be assumed that something will happen because it's a grad night/booze etc is a mystery to me.
people do manage to go out with others, even drink and still manage to return home without having slept with anyone.
you presumably like this girl and hopefully respect her, so if you do then trust her to be able to make her own decisions.

Exclamation Marc

Rubberchikken wrote: »

at the end of the day she's her own person and doesn't need permission to go anywhere with anyone. why it must be assumed that something will happen because it's a grad night/booze etc is a mystery to me.

I think you're being ridiculously simplistic about it, and the whole 'she's her own person' thing is nonsense in this situation.

I'm my own person as well and I'm an adult and as such don't need permission to go anywhere with anyone either, but given that I have a girlfriend I certainly wouldn't be going on a date (which is what the OP's gf has herself admitted it is) with someone full stop. The fact that this person is a former fling just makes no rational sense. Again, there may have been some lee-way if this was a case that she was asked before the OP was around or it was too short notice or this guy is a best mate that they just happened to have something donkeys years ago; but the fact is that a girl in a relationship was asked on a date whilst being in a relationship and said yes and I can't see how anyone could view this as standard behaviour.

Rubberchikken wrote: »

people do manage to go out with others, even drink and still manage to return home without having slept with anyone.

I've plenty of female friends and my gf has plenty of male friends and neither of us would ever have any issue with us seeing friends of either sex or going for drinks or any sort of socialising whatsoever with or without each other. I'd never even worry that she'd sleep with a male friend when socialising after a few drinks, nobody is that mental to think that its impossible for people to go out and socialise and not sleep together. But when it's a 'date' and its with a fling from the past on a night that will become extremely boozy, that's something a lot different. I literally can't think of anyone in my life who would think that behaviour is normal.

Having an other half sort of implies you don't go on dates with other people. You either have a relationship or a single life where you go on dates, not both.

MagicMarker

No offence op, but you need to grow a pair.

Any girlfriend of mine that did this would be dumped pretty much immediately.

thierry14

MagicMarker wrote: »

No offence op, but you need to grow a pair.

Any girlfriend of mine that did this would be dumped pretty much immediately.

Agree

Women is the boss here, his friends are right to take the piss, 2 of them could be up to anything with drink involved, they are former lovers ffs!!!

Relationship is going nowhere imo unless you rightly said magic, grow some balls op!

ihavenoname3

the relationship is going no where anyway, once girls in relationships go to college, it will only be a matter of time before she realizes being single in college is better than being in a relationship. dump her now and maybe a girl your own age would be a better match for you.

Rubberchikken

The woman has been honest and straight up. She agreed to attend a grad night with someone.
She's free to do it. It's not simplistic or naive of me to think so. She's a free person entitled to do a friend a favour if she wishes.
If the op hasn't the ability to accept this and trust her them maybe the op would be better off with someone else.

dixiefly

Rubberchikken wrote: »

The woman has been honest and straight up. She agreed to attend a grad night with someone.
She's free to do it. It's not simplistic or naive of me to think so. She's a free person entitled to do a friend a favour if she wishes.
If the op hasn't the ability to accept this and trust her them maybe the op would be better off with someone else.

Rubberchicken, I think that you are stirring the pot here.

I agree with the (vast) majority of posters in saying that going on a grad date with a recent ex like this is a no no especially considering that the OP's girlfriend accepted without even bouncing it off the OP first.

Very few guys in their right minds would accept that (unless they wanted a free hand themselves to play around!)

It is up to the OP how he deals with it but if it was me I would be having a chat with the girlfriend over all of this and probably asking for her to tell him (formally) that she has a boyfriend and to decline the invitation. Plan something else for the same weekend.

If she refuses then you know what you should do. It is likely that she wont be happy but she wont pull that stunt again imho.

Rubberchikken

There's no 'pot stirring' going on. I just feel very strongly that no woman should have to explain herself to someone wlse in a situation like this.
If the op is in a relationship built on trust then why not speak to her. Ask her why she's doing this favour and then be big enough to accept the response.

BreadnBuddha

Too much talk.

'Girlfriend' going on 'date', not with you, but with recent former fruckbuddy?

Not okay. No respect there.

Not girlfriend material. No way.

Go find someone with whom to enjoy mutual respect. Wasting your time on her, that's for sure.

LegacyUser

You sound like a fairly nice guy OP but some of the replies here are baffling.

Why is everybody focussing on the word 'date' and acting as though the girlfriend has agreed to go for a romantic meal for 2, a trip to the Eiffel tower, followed by a steamy night booked into a fancy hotel for the pair of them?

She has agreed to go with her friend to his graduation. I've heard of people bringing friends (even exes shocking!), cousins, or even a similarly aged sibling to their graduation as a 'date' - it is just somebody to accompany them for the craic if they didn't want to go alone and were not in a romantic relationship themself at the time.

Like the OP has said, his girlfriend would be great fun and the guy wouldn't have to "mind" her for the night, so I take this to mean that his girlfriend is very sociable and will have a great night mingling, and that it's not intended as a cosy night for 2.
The guy and everybody else knows she is in a relationship as it is all over facebook, the girlfriend HAS reassured the OP they are just friends and not to worry etc., and yet some of the replies here are acting like none of the above applies and that she has agreed to go on some romantic date with the hope of rekindling the flames with the ex.

Yes it will be a night of booze and fun but so what? Why does booze being involved instantly mean that 2 exes will definitely hook up again and that they couldn't possibly be able to resist ripping each others clothes off? Their past is their past and it is possible for some exes to remain friends.

I'm not naive, I know that the scenarios with exes that people are suggesting can and do happen. I've had it happen to me before very early in a relationship where my boyfriend's ex when she was twisted drunk tried it on with him in a nightclub as soon as I had gone home. That didn't work out well for her. She got completely rebuffed, he left and I was told about it straight away by my boyfriend. Apologies and a lot of embarrassment came from her side but I got over it. 11 years on and I still trust my partner.

Yes something could possibly happen at this grad and if it did then at least you'd find out pretty early into the relationship that she was not trustworthy if they hooked up and it would save you worse pain down the road. But to just instantly assume like so many posters here that something DEFINITELY will happen implies no trust at all to begin with, and gives the notion that they think partners must be babysat or follow certain rules in life in order to prevent unfaithfulness. Like a person's character or personality or personal choices play no role, it's just "oh if alcohol is involved with someone you used to sleep with then you are surely gonna hook up again".

As I said anything IS possible, but spending my time trying to prevent situations where my partner could cheat or having the same done to me is not a relationship I would like to be in. People do cheat but sometimes you just have to have some trust or faith in your partner. If they cheat it's completely on them, it wouldn't be your fault for not trying hard enough to prevent them from being together drunk.

Sunflower 27

MagicMarker wrote: »

No offence op, but you need to grow a pair.

Any girlfriend of mine that did this would be dumped pretty much immediately.

Agree. I get you don't want to come across all full-on jealous etc, but where is your self respect?

She should have told you and asked if you were ok with it at the very least.

It would be different if this was an old school friend and nothing more, but there is (very recent) history here. Her disrespect for you is incredible. I don't think this bodes well for your future together.