Dad not taking my health issues seriously.

PLL

Two weeks ago, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy and had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tube. It was keyhole surgery and I was out the next day, my Mother-In-Law came to take care of me and my 3 year old for the next few days so my partner could go to work. After 3 days my MIL had to return to work and my dad said he would come up for the day (lives 100km away) to help. He was due to arrive at midday, but he didn't and rang at 3pm to say he went out the night before and couldn't drive as he still had alcohol in his system. This was pretty humiliating as my MIL had to ring work and explain that she couldn't come in.

I was fine a few days later, however Thursday just gone, I had to go to A&E as I had severe pan in my back, I was worried it could be something to do with he surgery. It wasn't, but I was diagnosed with Sciatica, given codeine, difene, Valium and put on complete bed rest. When I told my dad he didn't seem to think it was a big deal, he told me he didn't want me taking all those painkillers and was shocked and annoyed about me being given Valium, and kept asking why. Even when I explained I was in severe pain and found it very hard to lie down comfortably so the doc gave me them to help me rest at night. My partner has taken the weekend off to care for me and my MIL (who is on holiday in Connemara) has cut her holiday short to take care of my daughter. My dad doesn't even work weekends and hasn't offered to help or visit. Telling me 'sit down when I can' even though I can hardly walk and have been put on complete bed rest.

It is pretty upsetting having your partner's family care more about you than your own dad. I don't know what else to say to him. I'm his only child, he doesn't have any other responsibilities in life, has often gone out of his way to do things for other people but can't visit me after surgery or help when I really need it.

jimmycrackcorm

I presume your own mother isn't around. I'd have to guess that your father is from the generation that would see that what your asking for wouldn't be the type of responsibility he'd be used to.

As for the time he didn't come due to having alcohol, I'd have asked him who would he be relying on when he is aged and in need of care.

PLL

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I presume your own mother isn't around. I'd have to guess that your father is from the generation that would see that what your asking for wouldn't be the type of responsibility he'd be used to.

As for the time he didn't come due to having alcohol, I'd have asked him who would he be relying on when he is aged and in need of care.

Thanks for the reply. A lot of me feels the same way about his generation not feeling it is his responsibility, which also makes feel maybe I am expecting too much of him. But it is talking to other people that are shocked by his behaviour and lack of empathy. My mother was abusive, I have no siblings. I just wonder why he doesn't feel the need or want to help and it doesn't bother him that my partner's family are more concerned than he is.

LegacyUser

Firstly I’m so sorry about your ectopic pregnancy. You’ve enough on your plate with that…
I don’t know what advice as such I can give you but I can relate to your story. A few years ago I had to have a minor surgical procedure carried out under sedation. Once it’s done you can go home but you have to have someone take you because you’ll still be in no fit state to catch the bus, let alone drive. My father’s a widower and I’ve done a lot for him and my late mother over the years. Because I was single I didn’t have a partner to ask to take me home. So I made the mistake of asking my father. Worse still, I turned down an offer from a friend to take me. I thought that because I’d done so much for my father that coming with me to the clinic and driving me home would be no big deal. I’ve hardly ever asked him for help in my life. I wasn’t asking for much here I thought.

Let’s just say the way he behaved on the day of the procedure was nothing short of a belligerent teenager. He made it obvious that he didn’t want to go with me to the clinic and sulked for most of the car journey. He only changed his tune when we were almost at the door of the clinic and he could see how terrified I was. He was a lot kinder to me for the rest of that day but I’m not sure I will ever completely forgive him for the way he behaved. I wish I could but it still hurts. One thing I know for sure is that I will never ever ask him for help again.

I’ve tried to rationalise it in my head and the best I can come up with is that I was dragging an elderly man out of his comfort zone. What was also going on – and I think this may apply to you too – is that he has a funny attitude to illness and people going to doctors. I also think he believes I’m a hypochondriac (I certainly hope I’m not) <snip>
You have two choices here. You can try confronting your father or accept that this is what he is. I’ve never discussed what happened with him and I never will. I learned my lesson and will never be asking him for that sort of help again.

Rubberchikken

some parents find it very difficult to see their child (adult or otherwise) not in their full health. they may want to bury their head in the sand and hope it's not happening. others are a bit useless in time of need. maybe your dad is one of these, i don't know but go a little easy on him.

i realise that what you've been through has been tough and maybe it's affected him in a small way too. could you talk with him. just even saying how you feel may help. he might not open up if he's not the type to, but hearing your side of things might help.

take care

DaisyD2

PLL wrote: »

I had to go to A&E...,,,,,.I was diagnosed with Sciatica, given codeine, difene, Valium and put on complete bed rest. When I told my dad he didn't seem to think it was a big deal, he told me he didn't want me taking all those painkillers and was shocked and annoyed about me being given Valium, and kept asking why. Even when I explained I was in severe pain and found it very hard to lie down comfortably so the doc gave me them to me. My dad doesn't even work weekends and hasn't offered to help or visit. Telling me 'sit down when I can' even though I can hardly walk and have been put on complete bed rest.

...... has often gone out of his way to do things for other people but can't visit me after surgery or help when I really need it.

First off, I am sorry for your loss & surgery must have been very frightening. I'm glad your partner & MIL were available to help.

Now, the rest of your post, well, I could have written it! Near word for word but my Dad lives closer to 10km than 100km.

One night before bed my back completely locked, just snapped me in half, I have sciatica too. After worst night of my life I rang parents for help & he came over barking what the hell was wrong, until he seen me! Then it was right what do you want. He took me to hospital & .... Left me! Seriously, I was triaged within 5mins I was so bad but he was already gone, gets really antsy around hospitals.

Now I would be a lot less forgiving about this trait if it were not for two things, 1) in aftermath I needed help but instead was attacked over the meds an A&E doc had seen fit to give me and 2) he will literally drop everything for any stray he finds in need. His "friends" all think hes a great man bringing/collecting them from hospital, surgery, chemo or whatever. Literally call him Nurse Nightingale!

It infuriates me that I, his only daughter, cannot count on anything except verbal abuse! So bad that if I had had money the day I had attack I would not have called at all, I would have called a taxi! No support, no comfort just sulky abuse. I learned that from a previous incident after surgery where he scheduled another appointment for same day he was bringing me home when he knew I was supposed to be watched.

I have learned to be kinder to myself! Sounds weird but I cannot change him so I had to change fact that his behaviour annoys the crap out of me! Seriously, its a running joke in our family that I'm not allowed make final life decisions cos I'll unplug him!

He is a good man with a good heart but he just cannot show it to his own so we are the ones who have to accommodate their outdated mentalities. Follow Doctors advise, allow those who will to help, you can do something nice for them all when you are better but let go of any resentment toward your father as it will only delay your own healing

amdublin

I am very sorry to hear about ectopic pregnancy and your health issues at the moment.


Unfortunately some people are just the way they are and will never change. You cannot change people you can only change yourself.


Do you have any friends who live nearer than your father? Can they help you at all.
I am not sure if you use daycare or if you are a stay at home mum but maybe your child can go to crèche?