Is my boyfriends behaviour normal or is he very insecure?

LegacyUser

OK so I'm just going to slowly get this all out in a type of manner which is to the point but also giving a bit of background as I'm very lost as to what I'm going to do about my relationship with my other half.

We have been dating for nearly a year, we both fell hard for each other and we were crazy about one another. We have so much in common , I always wanted to meet someone like him. I thought he was my dream guy

But recently I'm starting to lose respect for him the more I get to know him. It's like he spends every second with me just reading my energy.

I actually think it's just too much of a responsibility. I mean for someone that's so sensitive about bs like this is like I'm responsible for the way he feels and I'm not. He'll go off in a huff or make some public display or make it more than obvious that he's upset.

He always has to be right about everything. I've come to the point where I say to him that there isn't any point in arguing with me because he won't be able to hear my concerns because his need to make known that he's always right drowns out my voice. So f it!

If I'm worried about something whilst I'm in his presence he will automatically pick up on it as I might appear to be distracted , but after I've thought of some way to deal with or sort it out he has gone off on one 'your moody'..crosses legs or arms accordingly away from me and pretends to d*ck around on his phone... So not only am I worried about money, family , my hair whatever it is I'm also worried that he's going to start an argument about how he's feeling.

If I don't respond to a text with a smiley face, a kissing emoji he will get upset. If I wake up before him and don't say good morning then he will start an argument. I'm so bad at texting anyway with people!! But we talk most of the day and at work. I'll read the text and do a 2 minute job and then reply . But he's upset because I do that...if I read the text why can't I text back asap...

He still lives at home (which I'm not too pushed about, but with his attitude then I'm starting to think he is just a child still and needs to do a bit of growing up)

I'm at my wits end. I nearly left him on our holiday and come home to get away from him. Will I just call it a day or is it salvageable? None of this is normal at all.

Oh by the way, he's 31.

Turning your worry into being about him and reassuring and attention seeking on his part is quite worrying. Surely he should be concerned about whether you're ok?
It sounds very demanding and draining to be honest

Have you tried talking to him about it?

Ave Sodalis

I would call it a day OP. There's no way I'd put up with that nonsense. It sounds quite controlling. You need to compromise a bit in relationships but by the sounds of it, it seems to be his way or no way. I've found people like that tend not to change either. You shouldn't have be wanting to escape someone you're in a relationship with, especially on holiday where you are purposely spending time together. Okay, everyone wants a minute or two. I'd even go for a day or two but that's my own personality and by the sounds of it, you want to escape your boyfriend due to his personality. I couldn't do it OP.

Augme

He's sounds like a huge headache already and you have only been with him a year. The chances of him changing are probably quite slim so it's a case of can you put up with this for the future. I definitely couldn't.

deisemum

His behaviour sounds controlling and it will probably become a lot more controlling as time goes on. People who behave like him rarely change. I'd have called it a day if I were in your position.

OneOfThem

Yeah, this can be a thing. Communication. Such a fvcking cliched word when it comes to relationships but there's a reason for that. You don't communicate with each other, look I'm going to go out on a wild crazy mental limb here and say it's probably not all one person doing that. You need to sit down, and just say that from here on out you are both going to promise, and actually promise, and mean it, to communicate out loud how you feel about what each other does (or doesn't do, or says or doesn't say). Make it a thing. A covenant you make with each other, a genuine guarantee to the other person. And the other side of that coin is of course is that you both promise to be receptive to the other person doing that. That whenever the other person is open and honest about how they feel about something, the first response is "thanks for sticking to what we agreed, I'm glad you brought it up. Thanks for doing that.". And that's how that goes. It's not easy. But it works.

Cottons

Bfisadramaqueen wrote: »

OK so I'm just going to slowly get this all out in a type of manner which is to the point but also giving a bit of background as I'm very lost as to what I'm going to do about my relationship with my other half.

We have been dating for nearly a year, we both fell hard for each other and we were crazy about one another. We have so much in common , I always wanted to meet someone like him. I thought he was my dream guy

But recently I'm starting to lose respect for him the more I get to know him. It's like he spends every second with me just reading my energy.

I actually think it's just too much of a responsibility. I mean for someone that's so sensitive about bs like this is like I'm responsible for the way he feels and I'm not. He'll go off in a huff or make some public display or make it more than obvious that he's upset.

He always has to be right about everything. I've come to the point where I say to him that there isn't any point in arguing with me because he won't be able to hear my concerns because his need to make known that he's always right drowns out my voice. So f it!

If I'm worried about something whilst I'm in his presence he will automatically pick up on it as I might appear to be distracted , but after I've thought of some way to deal with or sort it out he has gone off on one 'your moody'..crosses legs or arms accordingly away from me and pretends to d*ck around on his phone... So not only am I worried about money, family , my hair whatever it is I'm also worried that he's going to start an argument about how he's feeling.

If I don't respond to a text with a smiley face, a kissing emoji he will get upset. If I wake up before him and don't say good morning then he will start an argument. I'm so bad at texting anyway with people!! But we talk most of the day and at work. I'll read the text and do a 2 minute job and then reply . But he's upset because I do that...if I read the text why can't I text back asap...

He still lives at home (which I'm not too pushed about, but with his attitude then I'm starting to think he is just a child still and needs to do a bit of growing up)

I'm at my wits end. I nearly left him on our holiday and come home to get away from him. Will I just call it a day or is it salvageable? None of this is normal at all.

Oh by the way, he's 31.

It sounds like he needs to speak to a counsellor, that'd not a healthy way to live.

amdublin

You've listed alot of bad things there...what's the good in your relationship?

Even if the good out way the bad in volume the bad sounds very emotionally draining.

Do you want to stay and have to deal with this for the rest of your life?

What's your gut telling you?

trio

You're not allowed to be upset - only he's allowed to be upset.

He's trying to teach you to hop to it whenever he texts, and answer "appropriately".

You're starting to walk on eggshells for fear of setting him off.

No this is not good and it is not normal. It sounds like the early seeds of burgeoning emotional abuse, actually.

LegacyUser

I've tried talking to him. Told him that I'm not arguing anymore, but if he wants to talk then I'll talk.

Yesterday we were due to go out for the day, because I wouldn't argue with him or sort out his concerns he sat in the car for 6 hours while I continued my day.
He text me while I was doing what I was doing saying that "if I had an issue to say it to your face instead of texting but you flip it back on me as if it's my fault?" (I had told him previously I'm not doing the text arguments anymore)

Anyway I replied that I'm sick of his arguing , he spent 6 hours in the car thinking and being in a mood while I had a great time!! Can't he just stop arguing? And decide to be happy?

I decided enough was enough after that and I have come home. I dropped him home and he was looking for a kiss on exit..

After an argument a few months back I decided regardless of our arguments I shouldn't be miserable because of them so I started blocking the negativity out and getting on with life. Life goes on. But now I see him as this angry, self absorbed , selfish brat and if he doesn't listen after what I have to say today then I'm calling it a day.

Yeah I think at this stage it's time to move on =/
6 hours, jesus, I can't believe someone would do that

mapaca

Yes, he sounds very insecure and controlling, and no, his behaviour is not normal. 6 hours sulking in the car?

irishdude11

This is his personality. You were only seeing the good stuff at the start but the mask has slipped now and you can see him for what he really is. His personality is not going to change. In fact I would expect this behaviour to get worse as time goes on. I personally don't have anything to do with negative people and if after a few months in someone I was seeing started being so negative and confrontational all the time I would be gone in a shot. Negativity just kills all the joy in life. You will never have peace with someone like this, he thrives on negativity and arguments, he is not going to stop.

Meauldsegosha

A 31 year spent six hours sitting in a car sulking. :eek: Life is too short for that kind of nonsense. Get out now OP.

Alf Veedersane

It sounds like you're on the set of a remake of Big because he sounds like a 13-year-old.

Has this ever been discussed between you?

Edit: just read it all. 6 hours sulking in a car? The man child is cray cray?

I've done the walking on eggshells thing. The unbelievable feeling of relief and happiness that enveloped me the day I ended that relationship...

woodchuck

trio wrote: »

You're not allowed to be upset - only he's allowed to be upset.

He's trying to teach you to hop to it whenever he texts, and answer "appropriately".

You're starting to walk on eggshells for fear of setting him off.

No this is not good and it is not normal. It sounds like the early seeds of burgeoning emotional abuse, actually.

THIS!

Whether it's intentional or not, his behaviour is very controlling.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells, catering to his needs and all the while have your own needs unmet? I've been there and you won't believe the sense of relief once you're 'free'.

LegacyUser

I ended it today. He seemed quite happy that some of the situations he put me in months ago were to blame for my 'behaviour' toward him. He can't see that all these situations and arguments have brought me to this point of resentment and falling out of love with him.

I had a miscarriage not long ago and he left me in a&e saying I was lying etc. He can't see his behaviour isn't normal so I ended it for good today.
he threatened to come to my work to get 50eu which I owed him from months ago, he owed it on sky sports anyway but he was adamant he was calling to my work to get the money.
He smokes weed so told him if he so much as threatens me again I will be on the phone to the gardai about his weed growing...

Thank god it's over

Alf Veedersane

It sounds like you made the best and only decision you could and fair play for doing it. A lot of people avoid making that hard call for far too long.

There will be some sadness as you remember the good bits and they briefly cloud the negatives.

But in the coming days and weeks, the absence of that energy drain will be such a relief and you'll feel the better for it.

I would avoid contact as well. There's nothing to be gained by engaging, though he's likely to try his damnedest to get you to engage

florawest

Wishing you all the best for a stress free, chilled future, had years of same type crap, before finally cutting ties, tough at times but the peace of mind and not having to try and not upset him but usually did anyways, so sorry about your miscarriage please talk to your trusted friends and family, good luck to you, be kind to yourself and value yourself you are worth it

LegacyUser

Well done on ending it. I bet you feel utterly relieved and free.

I have to say though that I was shocked when I read your update and I had to reply. What you just told us about his behaviour when you had that miscarriage is shocking. Yet you stayed with him after that? It's strange that you were bothered by other aspects of his behaviour yet you dropped this in like an afterthought. Of all the things he did, this is sticking out a mile as something that's wrong on so many levels. Yet you started this thread over other less obviously unsavoury aspects of his behaviour.

When you've had time to think about what happened you're going to find yourself wondering what on earth you were thinking of. Did your eagerness to meet Mr Right cause you to overlook many of your ex's unpleasant traits? You've had a lucky escape no doubt about that. I hope you go on to meet someone nicer than this man. Before you do, it would be a worthwhile exercise to ask yourself why you dated this guy for as long as you did yet couldn't see the warning signs .

LegacyUser

I guess it took a little bit of time to get my head around it as he worded things in such a way that I felt that he had a good excuse for not being there while I was in a&e. He blamed me for not involving him.
But what made me feel sick is the fact he felt happy that I was still holding on to that resentment toward him. I'm utterly shocked that a person would do that to another person.


I wasn't thinking straight at all during this relationship. I didn't deserve any of it

DukeOfTheSharp

Sounds like he was paranoid and delusional, and while drugs like weed shouldn't cause that to heighten, he might have some serious chemical or psychological imbalance that made him a hell of a lot worse. You made the right call in getting out of it, he wasn't just treating you badly, he was treating you like an imaginary person that he concocted. You'd a miscarriage and he said you were lying, you had problems and he wouldn't listen, he had to be right all the time, with no room for compromise. Someone like that never gets better. You need to focus on yourself and move swiftly forward, you'll find someone who isn't a melting pot of problems in the future.