School past keeps haunting me, and it feels I cannot move on

LegacyUser

The final two years of school, I really fancied this guy from afar. Apart from the odd hi or so, we never actually spoke properly ever. The crush escalated when I found out he liked me, but problem was I was the outcast in school. I had friends to hang out with, but it ended up that they only had me around out of pity, began hearing rumors of how weird they taught I was. I used to stand at the edge of a group and listen but never talk. I also had weird fidgety habits. Turns out I was diagnosed with Aspergers at 18, so it explained a lot of my behaviour, which I am working on to this day.

But they didn't know this, and so my behaviour began to get even weirder in the final year. The guy was quite young and immature so they used to mess me around by throwing things and shouting out random stuff at me to get my attention. That was my only interaction with them.

Long story, I got really obsessive and really fukin weirder than before. I might as well admit it. I put it down to the fact that I was never in that position before and given my lack of social skills at the time, didn't know how to respond to the situation, and not to mention not knowing how to fukin talk to the guy!

I was really acting bipolar, from loving the attention I got from the teasing to acting mean and upset by it, and spreading rumours about them especially the guy I fancied. A lot of this **** was online too CRINGE leaving a open comment about the M---- gang and sending the most CRINGEWORTHY message ever to the guy I fancied. I don't remember much of it and I think my mind blocks out most of it.

All this and still haven't had a conversation with him

After that it all went to hell. Few friends I had taught I was psycho, the guys disliked me while teasing me and I felt like **** that whole year while wondering "WTF is wrong with me?"

I still liked him though, even when I left school, would still look at his FB profile. I wouldn't do it all day, but just had a look now and again. I used to panic when I saw him on a few nights out with college mates, and avoid looking his way, but secretly liked the fact he was there.

I would love to say that I have moved on entirely but I would still look at it, not as much as I used to, but now and again. I think this comes from the fact that the last two years were the most exciting years I have had in my life, in a good and bad way. I was a loner in most of secondary school never went to discos or anything, family life was lonely because we had a small family and was always fighting. There was no comfort or love for a while. Bad as it sounds, any attention was good attention.

Now I feel more emotionally and mentally stable, but I still think about him a lot and look at his FB. But at the same time, the past haunts me over how I acted. I take full responsibility over how weird I acted back then, which I would never do now.

I just hate the fact that although I have some of my **** together at 22, I still not good with making friends in general. Only ever went out clubbing once the whole year, classmate's roommates (hung out with a classmate for a while) thought I was odd, and was too reclusive to join outside classes in guess that failed too.

It just feel that I will never get a chance to move on and have a normal, healthy, happy life.

I feel worried posting this up online, but it feel like I need to get it off my chest and mind. I know people could say to try counselling but I would be afraid to tell this to anyone, unless it was anon.

LegacyUser

The only way that you can help yourself is if you help yourself. You mention how you're reclusive - why not change that? Join a club. Look on Groupon or Living Social - you'd often find pretty good offers to do different classes, sometimes for two people. See if there's a friend that would be willing to go to some with you. You can use these as a way to get to know other people and to get out of your headspace.

I know how bad it can be to get bullied in school and that sort of stuff doesn't go away all that easy - I'm 30 and I know that it does still affect me in different ways -- nowhere near as bad as it was when I was in that situation. You just have to get better at not letting it get to you. You mention you're in college - have you considered dropping by your counsellor? Also, you mention Aspergers, have you mentioned this to the college? If not, it might be worth it. I won't lie - I have something similar to you, called Dyspraxia, which is on the Autism scale, so I know exactly how tough it can be to be bullied because of it, because you seem different. If you mention it to your college, they might be able to aid you in many different ways.

LegacyUser

If you are a lonely person who finds it hard to make friends, it's very easy to become fixated on someone who shows you kindness. Or in this case, a guy you fancied who you think liked you back.

It's unfortunate you fell in with this group of people who treated you so unkindly. That's the way teenagers can be I'm afraid. At that age anyone whose face doesn't fit or who is a little bit different can be given a very rough time of it. That is difficult for any young person. You had the added struggle of having Asperger's. No wonder your head melted.

For you it's good that you are now 22 years of age. You're now long gone from school and as the years go on you will struggle to name half the people who were in your class. It's what happens to most of us once the Leaving Cert is over. The same will happen with your college class too. Don't bother thinking about what anyone in those classes thought about you. It's in the past now and they're not going to be thinking about you now.

Although you have struggled to date to make friends, you could still turn that around. You probably could do with going to a counsellor (if you're not already) and working on ways to improve your social skills. Try not to let what happened in the past dictate your future. Your life can now be a blank slate and something you can work on. You aren't the first person to do stupid things in their teenage years, nor will you be the last. I have no idea what any of my friends were like when they were teenagers and what's more, I don't care. I like them for the people they are now. When I was in school there was a lad in my class who was an obnoxious brat and someone you might thing would stay like that. Wrong. I know him reasonably well nowadays and he is actually a very nice person these days and a devoted family man. Sometimes it takes people that bit longer to grow up and become well rounded human beings. Have you thought that you might be one of those slow starters?

If you don't want to unload all of this onto a counsellor, then don't. But if you can, try to get help to improve your social skills and get better at meeting people. Going to nightclubs on a Saturday night might never become your scene (don't worry - you're not alone in that) but other less intimidating arenas might suit you down to the ground. I think if you started busying yourself with plans for the future and ways to improve your life, you wouldn't have time to be thinking about things that happened 5 years ago. Next year it'll be 6 years ago. The year after it'll be 7. Time is a great healer and it is also a handy eraser of memories.

LegacyUser

Same boat, different ocean wrote: »

The only way that you can help yourself is if you help yourself. You mention how you're reclusive - why not change that? Join a club. Look on Groupon or Living Social - you'd often find pretty good offers to do different classes, sometimes for two people. See if there's a friend that would be willing to go to some with you. You can use these as a way to get to know other people and to get out of your headspace.

I know how bad it can be to get bullied in school and that sort of stuff doesn't go away all that easy - I'm 30 and I know that it does still affect me in different ways -- nowhere near as bad as it was when I was in that situation. You just have to get better at not letting it get to you. You mention you're in college - have you considered dropping by your counsellor? Also, you mention Aspergers, have you mentioned this to the college? If not, it might be worth it. I won't lie - I have something similar to you, called Dyspraxia, which is on the Autism scale, so I know exactly how tough it can be to be bullied because of it, because you seem different. If you mention it to your college, they might be able to aid you in many different ways.

Thanks for the advice, but if I was to mention exactly what I written here to a counsellor, I am afraid that even though I am not like that anymore, they could still think of me unstable or think that I need more help, like in a hospital. I know they commit you if you have suicidal thoughts (which I don't), but I would be afraid in case they commit you over other stuff like this too.

I dunno, I mean some people probably have acted worse than me in terms of being "creepy", but I still feel so mortified that I don't think i could say it in front of a another person. I know that I must have been depressed, or a lack of life experience coupled with teenage hormones made me like that for a while.

The lack of responses worry me, because I am not sure if it is because my OP is too long or if people really think I was off my rocker back then. Dunno why it is at me since it has been three years, maybe I need closure somehow over the past in general?

LegacyUser

worriedperson wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, but if I was to mention exactly what I written here to a counsellor, I am afraid that even though I am not like that anymore, they could still think of me unstable or think that I need more help, like in a hospital. I know they commit you if you have suicidal thoughts (which I don't), but I would be afraid in case they commit you over other stuff like this too.

I dunno, I mean some people probably have acted worse than me in terms of being "creepy", but I still feel so mortified that I don't think i could say it in front of a another person. I know that I must have been depressed, or a lack of life experience coupled with teenage hormones made me like that for a while.

The lack of responses worry me, because I am not sure if it is because my OP is too long or if people really think I was off my rocker back then. Dunno why it is at me since it has been three years, maybe I need closure somehow over the past in general?

A counsellor will only ever attempt to step in like that if they believe that you are a genuine threat to yourself and others. You don't sound like you are, most most definitely not. And something you should realize is that they have probably heard much worse than what you've got to say. They might also be able to provide additional advice on how to deal with what you have. Don't be embarrassed, it really would help you get over these issues.

Don't worry about the lack of responses. People will reply to something they have experience with and can give advice on. Not everyone would have experience with the autistic spectrum, so it would be difficult for them to give any advice.

LegacyUser

I don't know why more people haven't answered but I doubt it's because they think you're off your rocker. Sometimes threads slip under the radar here, especially if there are busier ones ones on the go.

You are beating yourself up over things you did several years ago when you were (1) a different person to who you are now and (2) weren't getting help for your issues and (3) were being tormented by your peers. It is a measure of the person you are now that you can see how wrong it all was and are using words like "mortified". That is a really good sign. You are underestimating how positive a thing this is.

Nobody is going to lock you up. From what you're telling us here, you're relatively fine now. You're tormenting yourself over idiotic things from 3 years ago, not what you did last week.
These days people aren't "locked up" in the way that they were in the past. People only go into them these days if they can't be treated outside or if they're a danger to themselves or others. I'm no medical professional but you don't sound like someone who should be "locked up".

LegacyUser

I have some idea of what you going through. I was diagnosed on the austic spectrim a few years ago and I was a good number of years older than you.

Like you I went though a few tough times in my life. After leaving school I started to push myself to meet new people and got involved with a few groups.
Within a few years I lived and worked abroad. I also did some traveling.

I believe that everyone makes mistakes in there life but you learn from them and move on. It is good that at 22 your know you made mistakes and you have learned from them. Another thing you have going for you is that your willing to ask for help because you want to build up your confidence and to improve your life.
I would agree with the other posts here that counselling could help you move on with your life.

I would also look into doing some evening classes in some thing that interest you. This will get you out of the house, help you meet new poeple and give you a chance to learn or improve on a skill you have.

westernlass

Don't be afraid to talk to a counselling about feeling down. The reality is they don't commit you for feeling suicidal, only if you are a danger to yourself.
Self harm is more likely to be this situation.

I've told several counselors about similar issues and they have never pushed me.

My advice is to delete facebook. I did this recently and it helped me live my life and not keep on reflecting on the past. I don't see people daily on screen that I haven't met in person in fifteen years. I like that I'm not aware of them.

I whats app my friends and it forces me to remember to be in contact for real.

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

Thanks for your replies. It puts me at ease to hear that it is a positive thing for me to recognize how much I realized my mistakes in the past.

Tbh, I have been thinking of counseling for a while, and taking it seriously this time. To tell you the truth, I've been to counseling 6 times in my teens and once in my other college. But it never worked because the first time I think I expected the counsellor to be a miracle worker, and the other time in my other college, I spun the usual "too shy, cannot make friends" story, which is true, but I think the deeper stuff like in my OP is the thing keeping me back.

Another reason why I am wary is because I know counselors, even in the professionalism, have the opinions and flaws. I remember with my first one was actually getting a bit annoyed and frustrated, because my teen self was expecting her to have the answers, so at the last two sessions I was being like a broken record, saying how these new problems keep popping up.

I realize now that they are not miracle workers, they can only do so much themselves, but it made me wary going to the 2nd counselor again, so I think that was another reason I held back the other issues and gave her a simpler story. She was a college counselor this time, and while she was nice and understanding she didn't see much wrong and said usually people come in here with college-related issues (missing classes) etc. She did want to see me again, but i got a vibe that what I said wasn't a huge deal so i didnt go back.

I mean is it worth telling a college or paid counsellor in my new hometown all of this? Because I keep thinking it might be good idea, but then again I thought sending that message to my crush and doing all the stuff I did in my teens were a good idea too and look how that turned out. I just don't trust myself in making the right action.

orthsquel

OP sometimes I read threads and I don't really have anything to offer in advice or help. I suspect most other people on here are the same.

I think counselling for you would be a step in the right direction. Perhaps rather than someone to just externalise it all to, you need someone who can progress your acceptance of your past in a productive way. CBT counselling seems to be often recommended.

From reading your opening post, the issue with the guy you had a crush on seems a central part, to the point in secretly being happy that he is there on a night out while you avoid him and looking at his facebook. I think the reason why you beat yourself up and prevent yourself from moving on is that you've never had an opportunity to make up for your behaviour or express to anyone involved why your behaviour was the way it was. While I don't think you should approach this individual and explain yourself, I think that you need to accept that whatever way you behaved and the reasons behind it you won't be able to explain or be able to make up for. I think what you want is for your former crush that you still have an infatuation with to see you in this healthier way so that he can see that you're not that person anymore that you were in school. However it is probably healthier for you to accept that that cannot happen, mainly because tbh you'd be putting yourself in a difficult position of humiliation, indifference, and rejection that could make you feel really unhappy within yourself based on his reaction to meeting you and your reaction to his reaction.

So I think that what you do really need is to accept that you cannot change how this person may have perceived you in the past. And that even just checking out their facebook every now and then is not healthy or productive for you. I know you've never really had the chance to tell this person whatever you felt and maybe you have carried that around with you the last few years... but it's all a bit of a ghost now, what you felt isn't necessarily what you would feel should you actually know him and what he is like. Realistically he might not have been anything to woo over in the first place (it probably didn't seem like it at the time tho!), but what keeps drawing you back to that time and it haunting you and why you can't move on may be the fact that you can't change his perception of you, or what he might think of you to salvage your own perception of yourself at that time, and your self perception in the present. And that probably goes for everyone else too that you were in school with.

What you can do for yourself, is let it go and allow yourself to move on. People can change, and people do go through tough stuff like you did at a young age. You don't owe it to anyone you went to school with to explain why you were like that so that they can reflect upon that time and show understanding. You can validate your own view of yourself in making yourself a better person, in expanding your own horizons in life, in making a better life for yourself, in expanding your social circle and making the best that you can with your life.