Dating Advice

LegacyUser

Hi all, I've been dating a girl I met online for about a month now- 4 dates so far, she's very attractive, we seem to click well and enjoy each other's company. Only thing is that I seem to be the one initiating contact every time, she hasn't text me first once. When I do text her she's very chatty and has freed up time to meet whenever I've suggested it. Left it a week there to see if she'd get in touch but again nothing until I eventually texted her. Seems to be similar with affection, I'd be the one initiating all the time but she seems to enjoy it when I do.

I'm unsure whether it's a lack of confidence on her behalf or a tactic to have me chase her, she doesn't seem shy so I'd say the latter is more likely. Kinda muddling whether I should just not contact her again unless she does so first, but part of me says to continue chasing as otherwise I'm getting a lot of signs of interest. Thoughts?

CaraMay

Why play games? Ask her why she doesn't contact you and if she wants to stay in touch

MagicMarker

The solution is simple, stop texting her. See what happens.

LegacyUser

Yeah was kinda annoyed at myself that I contacted her after the week, it's making me feel needy when it shouldn't be the case. I'd say she gets a lot of attention from guys so maybe feels like she doesn't need to make an effort...

LegacyUser

I'd actually be more inclined to approach it lightly, ie. 'I'd be waiting weeks for you to ask me on the next date, so I'll bite the bullet' and maybe she'll get it.

I'm very chatty and outwardly confident. When I started seeing my boyfriend I couldn't fathom being the one to do the asking for the first few dates. It took a lot for me to ask him (I think on the 4th date!) because I was just so so scared of rejection.

LegacyUser

Hmmm would woman really fear rejection early in dating to a point where they're afraid to even send a "hey how you keeping text?".

I'm meeting her this afternoon, going for a picnic in Phoenix park, dunno how to broach the subject without it sounding too contrived, so might just avoid it and hope it is just nerves that's the issue.

CaraMay

At the end just say 'I'll leave the next date up to you. No pressure now ha ha ha' or something like that. Put the ball in her court and see if she lobs it back.

Dellnum

I think it could be too soon to expect her to initiate something. If you have been the one to do it and she responds, why worry. If she wasn't interested in you there would be other signs. If you start to leave it longer before you ask her out again this could backfire on you, i.e. she will think you are cooling off and then the games will start and neither of you will know what is happening. If you would like her to initiate something then ask her to do it, that is the straightforward approach to take.

Taboola

Dellnum wrote: »

I think it could be too soon to expect her to initiate something. If you have been the one to do it and she responds, why worry. If she wasn't interested in you there would be other signs. If you start to leave it longer before you ask her out again this could backfire on you, i.e. she will think you are cooling off and then the games will start and neither of you will know what is happening. If you would like her to initiate something then ask her to do it, that is the straightforward approach to take.

Too soon to expect her to contact him? WHAT?! He's dating her a month.

She seems like she's got a bit of a princess mentality. I'd move on. Don't text her and if she does text you say that you thought she wasn't interested because you hadn't heard from her for so long.

Augme

Can I ask why this is causing a problem though? It seems that your insecurities are showing a bit by making this an issue. If your texting her and arranging dates and she's always replying and seemingly enjoying herself then I don't see why you are worrying about this. Not sure I'd recommend approaching it in a light -hearted way as mentioned. That can have the possibility of coming across as being a bit passive-aggressive.

LegacyUser

Seems to be a mixed bag of responses which kinda sums up my own thoughts on it.

One one hand I may be creating an issue where there isn't one but on the other I can't help but feel if someone was truly interested they wouldn't let you potentially slip through their fingers by being too reserved/playing games/whatever the the reason for not texting first.

Anyway this aside we had a pretty awesome date today, but gonna leave the ball in her court now and see how she plays it.

Jasper_

I would be seeing this as a potential red flag as well OP.

Instead of just flat out leaving the ball in her court, why don't you say something along the lines of... "hey are you free next weekend... (she answers yes)... why don't you pick something fun for us to do... it feels like I'm always suggesting things". That way you come across as being concerned that you are doing all the things you want to do and not really allowing her to direct some dates.

Then once you expressed this "concern" and suggestion maybe say "you now have a few days to come up with something". Have some banter with it like. Then go complete flat line. If she doesn't initiate contact after that then I with be moving swiftly on.

crackers and cheese

As a female who some men assume plays hard to get I just want to offer a different perspective. ..she might just be playing her cards close to her chest and may be very keen on you but afraid to show it in case it puts you off...she may assume that as you take the initiative always that that's the way you want it to be...

Dellnum

Petertt wrote: »

Seems to be a mixed bag of responses which kinda sums up my own thoughts on it.

One one hand I may be creating an issue where there isn't one but on the other I can't help but feel if someone was truly interested they wouldn't let you potentially slip through their fingers by being too reserved/playing games/whatever the the reason for not texting first.

Anyway this aside we had a pretty awesome date today, but gonna leave the ball in her court now and see how she plays it.

I think as everything is going well you have no need to worry. I would not pull back now and wait to see what she does as this could give her the impression you are losing interest. Sounds to me like she is interested as she responds to you every time. Keep doing what you have always been doing and things will be as good as they are, that's my advice

Pinkmoon19

I agree with Crackers and Cheese. I dated a guy around this time last year and it was a very much an equal level of text effort, initiating dates etc at the start, becoming slightly more weighted on my side. Anyway it didn't work out and he was generally disinterested in me, and i got fairly hurt in the end.

I've just started seeing someone again and I was holding back on the texts etc. On the last date he told me that he really liked me and wanted to see me on the regular. Now that I know where i am with him i'm totally happy to be the one to initiate contact, or suggest dates.

So basically, for this girl it could be a case of once bitten, twice shy. If you like her and want to see more of her then maybe telling her that will make her feel more secure and at ease.

If she is playing games, and you will know from her response after having the "I like you" conversation, cut it off quick because you will get hurt and these type of games are an absolute melter on the brain.

zeffabelli

Just say you feel like you're doing all of the reaching and it's making it feel one sided, and say "am I wrong about this?"

Btw one of my best friends is like this, she just gets so interior she can disappear for up to a year if you don't reach and pull her out. It's just her nature.....so her friends/boyfriends do more of the communication.... It does drive people away...they get tired of it.

I get it so I don't mind and she's so many good qualities it's worth it to me.

So ask and find out before you make any decisions or draw conclusions.

sm213

She may not want to come accross as too forward/needy/clingy.
Maybe she's been told she is by guys who weren't all that interested and she's become wary.
Or she could have been in a very bad relationship and is afraid to get too close too soon.
I'd say hint at it first as previous posters have said and if she still doesn't take the hint just have a chat about it and ask if there's a problem.

njs030

I agree with the posters who say to ask her, talking solves most issues! Best of luck.

OneOfThem

Some women just have a pathological block when it comes to initiating things. Whether that's contact, dates, sex, intimacy. A pinch of insecurity, a dash of fear of rejection, a big dollop of the man should make the moves/do the chasing or how else will you know if he really likes you, a dusting of not wanting to come on too strong and scare the guy off.

Doesn't necessarily mean they aren't very interested or don't feel they need to make an effort or anything like that.

LegacyUser

Hi, just an update , she actually contacted me the day after the previous date, so kinda feel a little silly for setting this thread up. Anyway we've decided to go exclusive, so delighted.