Will we or won't we. Please help.

fifijk

My wonderful dad passed away recently.
My healthy and fit mum, of 72yrs,has lost her best friend and great husband. But she has also lost all her independence. Due to living in the country and not driving.
She also has a fear of living on her own. Has been like this all of her life.
She has made it very clear she can't stay alone, too afraid.
At the moment were all doing our bit but when schools re open it ties us all down again.
Most of the family are more tied then me, so myself and my husband and 2 children aged 10 & 8, are thinking of selling up and moving in. Pros are: great location ,caring for my mum and sentimental value of the home house, my dear dad put so much hard work into.
Cons: selling our house of 14 yrs that we've built and take great pride in.
Also changing schools and up rooting children.
And A big worry would be,the flow of family coming and going and you can't lock the door. I've a great family but sometimes it's nice to have your own space. That's my biggest worry. Loosing my space.
Financially we will not be gaining as each member of the family as willed, will need paying off, so that'll be another mortgage.
So what I'm asking is, should we put our necks out and move or should we stay as we are, happy out in our own comfortable home.
Please any advice welcome.
Thanks in advance.

Delphinium

Dont move. Your mother may be fairly old but is not helpless. Rent a room for income and company. Move closer to a family member or have a granny flat with someone. She could have twenty healthy active years ahead if she takes the reins herself. Encourage her independence. You owe your spouse and children their own lives. Moving to her will result in your life being taken over by family.

fifijk

Delphinium wrote: »

Dont move. Your mother may be fairly old but is not helpless. Rent a room for income and company. Move closer to a family member or have a granny flat with someone. She could have twenty healthy active years ahead if she takes the reins herself. Encourage her independence. You owe your spouse and children their own lives. Moving to her will result in your life being taken over by family.

Thanks delphinium for your honesty.
It's just that she has no independence at all. Will barly go to the shops on her own. And at that needs a lift.

Stheno

fifijk wrote: »

Thanks delphinium for your honesty.
It's just that she has no independence at all. Will barly go to the shops on her own. And at that needs a lift.

She can learn.
I've a friend in their late sixties learning to drive.

You are considering sacrificing a happy family life indefinitely due to her refusing to learn to cope.

Sounds harsh I know but that's essentially it.

Will you be needing to drive her everywhere when she wants to go somewhere? How will that fit in with kids hobbies etc?

matrim

Could your mother not move in with you or one of your family instead of the other way around?

If she cannot even go to the shops alone from the current house then a move to a town or city would help her gain some independence

athtrasna

Think the thread is more suited to PI.

bp

I agree that she should move to a granny flat with you or siblings etc. If you move in you will do more than the lions share but not get the reward (sorry for being harsh). You will do all the minding for 20 years.

Also your kids have friends etc in their current school

lollsangel

My grandfather died 26 years ago. Their house was next door to ours. My grandmother didn't drive. They had been discussing moving into town, after my grandfather died she wanted to back out but sale was gone too far through. She gained her independence of being able to go to the shops etc whenever she wanted. She made a new circle of friends in the town to complement the old.
The house has changed hand twice again the years but gran would never move back. Okay she got upset when the last lot took up rose bushes she had nurtured from clippings and when they knocked the pony shed but she never looked to buy the house back.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, its better to enable indepence than allow your mum to be Dependant on you and your siblings. This gran is almost 90 now. Still going strong for her age, but obviously needing a little more help now with groceries and the farther away shops from her now.

fifijk

I forgot to add this important piece...

we will be moving in with her on a trial basis.. If it's working, we will then re decorate a flat that is already there, but un lived in last few years. She has said that this would be ideal.

Tks for all the advice so far.

kylith

I would recommend building a granny flat or annex on your own property. That way you will be nearby if she needs you, but you won't have to uproot your lives.

Lux23

You're talking of uprooting the lives of 5 people for the sake of one. I really feel for you and your Mum, but I think doing something like this could have a lasting effect on your kids and your marriage. I am just not sure it is the best move for any of you.

LegacyUser

Op sorry to hear about your dad but I think you need to let your mom figure out what she's going to do. Three different generations living together under the one roof could cause a bit of havoc! Also you say she doesn't want to leave and she can't live on her own what's her solution to all of this? Does she want her adult children with families to move in with her?

I know a lady similar to your mum, depended on her husband to drive here there and yonder. One day he dropped dead and she had to fend for herself. They didn't have kids so she didn't had nobody to rely on for support, she was in her 60s when this happened but she learned to drive and now there's no stopping her.

Also what do your own family think about the move? Are you kids happy to leave schools ?

Minera

Why are you the only sibling considering to move? It sounds an awful lot to put your family through. Look up assisted living areas for your mum or a small granny flat.
I think a trial of living with your mum is a bad idea if it doesn't work out it will be hard to hurt her feelings!
What does your husband think?

chuckles30

Another thing to consider before deciding to move in.....what if your mother becomes ill/incapacitated in the future? Will you & your family be expected to carry the burden of care?

Would she consider moving into some kind of housing in town? I know our local town has a group of houses for the elderly where each person has their own house, but there is also a manager/caretaker on site.

miamee

fifijk wrote: »

My wonderful dad passed away recently.
My healthy and fit mum, of 72yrs,has lost her best friend and great husband. But she has also lost all her independence. Due to living in the country and not driving.
She also has a fear of living on her own. Has been like this all of her life.
She has made it very clear she can't stay alone, too afraid.
At the moment were all doing our bit but when schools re open it ties us all down again.
Most of the family are more tied then me, so myself and my husband and 2 children aged 10 & 8, are thinking of selling up and moving in. Pros are: great location ,caring for my mum and sentimental value of the home house, my dear dad put so much hard work into.
Cons: selling our house of 14 yrs that we've built and take great pride in.
Also changing schools and up rooting children.
And A big worry would be,the flow of family coming and going and you can't lock the door. I've a great family but sometimes it's nice to have your own space. That's my biggest worry. Loosing my space.
Financially we will not be gaining as each member of the family as willed, will need paying off, so that'll be another mortgage.
So what I'm asking is, should we put our necks out and move or should we stay as we are, happy out in our own comfortable home.
Please any advice welcome.
Thanks in advance.

Regarding the highlighted bit about being the least tied down - your mother is the least "tied down" and would be easiest to move. Can she move in with you on a trial basis instead of vice versa? Is she really willing to have her grandchildren uprooted from school to suit her? I know she is only recently a widow and it will take time for any kind of normality to settle in for her whether she stays where she is or moves but I wouldn't do anything permanent or long-lasting just yet. Has she been involved in any of these discussions or have you and your siblings been talking about it without her? maybe she will have her own ideas
OP, I'm sorry for your loss and I hope that your family can come to some arrangement that will suit everyone as much as possible.

Merkin

I'm very sorry to hear about your Dad.

You know it is not uncommon for some widows/widowers to really come into their own after a bereavement. I'm not saying they thrive or anything like that but given that their circumstances are so drastically altered they are forced to adapt accordingly and some people find a new lease of life. By suggesting that you uproot your entirely family's life in order to help her, you are inadvertently facilitating her helplessness and not affording her that chance to get on with things.

You sound like a very kind and loving daughter and I think you may be better off helping her start driving lessons and helping her be more self sufficient. I don't consider 72 old, she could feasibly live another twenty years, and it would be far kinder for all concerned to help her build a new life rather than just decide that's it now and make such a drastic life change. Keep your own home and the lives you've built and offer her as much love, support and encouragement as you can but I'd think very carefully about what you're proposing to do.

cuilteanna

I have to agree with so much of what has been said.

Are your partner and children happy to give up their home for what will always be your mam's place? You mention losing your space and having your family in and out - despite the fact that you would be buying them out of the house it will always be the old "family home". Unless she has health issues, at 72 your mam is still young enough to make changes and learn to do a lot of things! I wonder are you being made to feel guilty and that it's your responsibility to look after her as it would supposedly be "easier" for you than your siblings to move. I also think it would be nearly impossible to say that a "trial move" hasn't worked out and leave without causing a lot of bad feelings. Has the option of her moving to one of you (or several of you, an aunt of mine moved between two of her children for many years) been considered?

I have a lot of sympathy for you, I also lost a parent recently and the remaining parent is unbelievably needy. We are trying to provide some level of support while also making them responsible for living their own life. That is not easy if they aren't cooperating and just want you to fill in the gaps of their old life. We've made a huge concession by moving closer and are still trying to build a life for ourselves here; parent complains that we are still "too far away" (i.e. not living with them), they don't like where we live, etc. I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone.

LegacyUser

I've been in essentially the same situation. When my granny was widowed, I was the one who gave up everything and moved in with her. Biggest mistake of my life. I regret it every day. My life too has been taken over, and I also have no space, with family constantly coming to stay. You could also end up at your mother's beck and call constantly. Honestly, your mother sounds very selfish, putting you in this position (can you tell I've lost all sympathy for the elderly who expect their relatives to drop everything for them). Why should your 4 family members be uprooted just because your mother says she's "too afraid" to live alone? Afraid of what, anyway? And if your mother lives for another 20 years, does that mean you and your husband are stuck there, living with her for 20 years? What happens if you need/want to leave? Your mother needs to take responsibility for her own life. If she's too afraid to live alone then she could get a live-in carer/lodger who could help her out for a reduced rent, or she could move into a home or sheltered accommodation. Or she could live with you/another relative who has a spare room.

Neyite

It's common to flounder around a bit helpless when a spouse of a long time dies - I know several widows who find it hard to adjust to widowhood for the same reasons as your mother, and their offspring wanted so badly to support them the way that you are thinking. But ultimately the best way is holding off and letting her find her feet a little and keeping your independence yourself.

One woman who was previously quite independent became quite clingy and helpless and her adult daughter wanted to sell up and move, but a couple of years down the line, Granny is globe-trotting like a good thing, and it all would have been for nothing.

Let the dust settle a bit - its early days. See if the kids would spend some time with their granny now they are on their holidays, do lots of weekends. Look into moving her nearer to you or another sibling. And dont make any decisions just yet.

K_P

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Can I ask how recently this happened?

My mother was very similar when my father passed away a few years ago. Like your mother, she didn't drive and was very afraid of being in the house on her own. She was a good bit younger than your mother and didn't live quite so rural, but she still lacked independence and was completely lost. She would talk about selling up her house and moving here there and everywhere as she had nothing to keep her at home. She was desperately lost, depressed and lonely and I felt massive guilt at not living nearer, for not being able to see her every day.

After about 6 months, things began to change. She started taking driving lessons, started a part time job, was more social. Now, a few years on, she's incredibly independent and has a full, varied and happy life.

My advice would be to be very careful OP. If your dad passed away within the last year, then your mother is so devastated that she's probably not even herself in any real sense. Uprooting your entire lives would be a huge sacrifice for your family to make and moving in to cater to your mother's needs now could potentially hinder her gaining future independence.

Celly Smunt

Would you not suggest some selling the mothers house and buying somewhere smaller and closer to you or one of siblings?, she'll get a nice bit of money for her own independence and wouldn't be cut off from anybody as much.


Short term, get a dog for her you'd be amazed at how well dogs keep elderly company.

LegacyUser

Hi
I moved in with my mother in law. I would really think very hard about doing this. She was capable of looking after herself when I moved in but still would ask us not to leave her long on her own as she was nervous. After a year things changed and I ended up being her carer. Honestly I didn't mind looking after her it became part of my routine every day, but because I was living with her the rest of her children just left it all up to myself and husband. It really takes over your life and effects the life of your kids when they need caring for You can't get into the car and take the children off on a whim you to have to organise someone to be their with your mam . Also when you do get out and kids are having fun you have to tell themaybe to come home early as nanny needs you .. We never got away for holiday in the eight years we looked after her I know I sound very negative but you have to think down the line I found living with my mil in the latter years very stressful and it had abig impact on the lives of my children .. also my children found it very hard when their nanny died as they were used to her living with us and all of a sudden she was not there . But on the other hand I never regret moving in or looking after her in her time of need but I just wanted to show you some of the hard parts of living with a older person hope this helps

Daisy78

Hi OP,

Not to be harsh but did your Mum never take it upon herself to learn how to drive while your Dad was alive? Surely (and again I don't mean to be harsh) but she must have anticipated a day when he would no longer be around and with no children living in the immediate area what was she going to do about getting from place to place? Its just not fair to say that she won't live alone and expect you and your family to uproot to move in with her. And besides Im presuming both you and your husband work outside the home, what will she do during the day when everyone has gone? She will be on her own then anyway.

Look my mum is the same age as yours and she is similar to your mum in that she is active and fit and has said numerous times that she wouldn't live on her own if my Dad were to pass on. But she also drives, has a good social circle (better than mine!) and under no circumstances would she expect any of us to move back in with her, and I should point out both me and my two brothers are single without kids. And truth be told none of us would want to in the long term, as much as we love her, its just not practical. My aunt is similar to your mum in that she doesn't drive, never worked outside the home and was totally dependent on my uncle for a lot of things. Now she is lucky in that she has neighbours and friends who are very good to her but she has become very dependent on her son who lives next door for company and to get around when she needs it. She barely spends a night in her own house, preferring to go from her friends house to her sons, then to her daughters, its no way to live. But if she had been encouraged sooner to take the reins herself I think she would have a better of quality of life and so would her son.

You need to (gently) encourage your mum at looking at alternatives. Maybe a smaller flat closer to your home would be a better compromise. Also I applaud your husbands willingness to even consider this, living with inlaws is not easy, particularly as she may still consider it to be her home exclusively. How will this impact on your relationship? Many things to consider I think before you take the plunge.

mailforkev

Just to add that you refer to your mother's house as the home house. This is not the case. You have a home with your husband and kids, you've been there for 14 years.

I think moving in on a trial would be a bad idea, your guilt will make it very hard to leave. Are you sure your husband is really ok with it too?

Put all your effort in comforting your mother after such a big loss and enabling her to live a full and independent life. She will hopefully have many years left to enjoy life.

LegacyUser

You are in a difficult position but I would consider moving to be the absolute last resort. It is very hard to see your mum going through this but you are being unfair to your own family. Are your children really OK with being uprooted and taken away from their school and their friends? What about your husband - will he be facing into a longer commute to work or having to get a new job. You're also going to making your own life worse in many ways by the looks of things.

You are obviously a great daughter and an unselfish human being. I think you need to be selfish for a change and think about your own family and what you could lose. Your mother's situation is difficult but given time, things could settle down and sort themselves out. You also should be mindful of what your siblings are up to. Are they suiting themselves by stepping back from the situation and leaving good old reliable you to shoulder most of the responsibility and make sacrifices? Be very careful or you could get sucked into a situation you'll not get yourself out of easily.

Thargor

You're expected to uproot your family and take on another mortgage for doing all this? You don't even get the house for your trouble? The rest of your family are laughing all the way to the bank OP, 20 years of free round the clock care for the mother and they still get the same share as you. Are you sure your partner and kids are okay with this and not just grinning and baring it? Sounds like the rest of the family are still in the area aswell so why aren't any of them first choice to do this?

orthsquel

fifijk wrote: »

Financially we will not be gaining as each member of the family as willed, will need paying off, so that'll be another mortgage

I think this part has been largely so far overlooked as a point. Am I understanding correctly that you will be taking over the house, which I assume, has been left to your mother? And am I understanding that as part of the current will your mother has, the house may be an asset she has provided for in the will, to be divided up between the adult children, based on market value or/and with the assumption each would have to buy the other out?

I think you really need to step back from the situation and look at it from a detached perspective. If I'm on the right track about what you mean about the house then hold on and think about this. Your mother should be planning for the rest of her future, it seems like an asset like a house is often used to fund nursing home care. Your mother is quite young, if you are essentially buying out the other siblings on an asset that would otherwise have been willed by her in the future, where does that leave your mother in terms of any assets left should she need long term medical or nursing care in her later years?

Your mother should be considering her options for the long term. Having an adult child move in with their family, permanently, on the sale of their own home is a short term solution to a long term issue. It might suit for a few years, but there's no guarantee that it is the right solution in the long term.

What is the distance for all the siblings to get to the house? Is it short distance less than an hour for everyone, or long distance of several hours? Is it kind of the norm that other siblings would visit from far away for a weekend, bank holiday, holidays for a week for kids to spend time with Granny? Or is it possible that if anyone lives in close proximity to arrange between the adults for someone to take her for a big shop once a week, someone to come over and clean and do chores around the house once or twice a week, spend an afternoon/evening once a week?

Has she neighbours or community that can offer local services of visiting her or giving her a lift if she needs one?

LynnGrace

OP, first of all, my condolences on your loss.

I would really urge you to think long and hard before making any changes. There is a lot of good advice here on the thread, take your time, and think this over. I read of a similar dilemma on another website that I am on, and the moving in, was not the solution, albeit it was done with the very best of intentions.

As has been mentioned upthread, people often get a new lease of life, after a bereavement. Not immediately, of course, but, in time. Your mother is relatively young, and thankfully healthy. Hopefully she has interests and pastimes that will start to occupy her again, in time.

For now, my advice is to continue to support her, in tandem with your siblings, not you taking the whole situation on your shoulders. Don't forget yourself, in all of this. You have been bereaved also, and think too of your partner, and your children, in any long term decisions being taken.

All the best.

zagmund

As mentioned above you need to think very long and hard. I would say that moving in would be a bad idea in many ways.

At the end of the trial if you decide it's not going to work it may well be countered with "why, what did I do wrong, do you not like me, etc . . .". Try to think how you would actually answer that without kicking off a massive storm.

The financials have been mentioned too. Unless I'm missing something, the family house is now your mothers and your fathers will can't be giving it away to your siblings unless we hit a timezone and are back in the 1950s.

At the end of the day you are essentially proposing a possible 20+ year upheaval for your young family. This is not something to be undertaken lightly without a very forthright discussion with *all* parties involved. Your mother has options, remember that before committing your family.

z

fifijk

A big thank you to each and every one of you, who took the time to give me yere honest opinions.
Ye have given me a different view of things. While I still would be interested, I know see it would be a Hugh Shake up for my own family. my husband and 2 children that is. Although my husband is pretty chilled and goes with the flow, I'm thinking the move could cause pressures that were never there before.
My mum never worked outside the home, and has absolutely no independence, so the worry is still there for us all. But I know see,that mum must also must be ready to meet us half way and realise we have young families and work commitments.
Agsin many thanks for yere time and honesty.....
Fifijk.

LegacyUser

I would follow the advice you have been given here. Why should you up root your husband and children to live with your mother? You all have your own lives to live. You have children in school and with there own friends. Both you and your husband have lives also.

Your mother is only 72 and is living in a rural area. Along with this she can't drive. She does not want to live on her own but she is being selfish expecting you and your family to move in with her. At this stage she should look at selling her present house and buying a smaller place in a local town. By moving into a town she will be near the shops, church ect. She may also have a rural bus service to bring her to a larger local town. She can get involved in some groups or organisations to build up her own social life.
She could rent out the family home and rent in a local town before making a decision if this would suit her long term.

The reality is that if you move into your mothers house you will have to pay off your siblings. You will need a mortage to do this. Meanwhile your giving up your independance to do this with no finincial gain now or in the future. What happens in 10 years time if your mother needs nurisng home care and your children are in college at the same time?
The house that was in her name is now in yours. She can't avail of the fairdeal scheme as she has no assets to be sold up her death. Meanwhile the rest of the family could tell you we can't afford to pay anything towards mams care.

Your moving into her house so you will have your siblings when it suits them. If your mother has bad health in a few years they could leave you doing most of the care.

LegacyUser

Op I don't think you are thinking about this rationally. Was it recent that your dad passed away? You seem to be making a lot of life changing decisions i.e. uprooting your family to move in with you mother even though your siblings live closer to her than you. You are the one that lives furthest away yet you are willing to sell up your own place and move in with her.
Could one of your siblings not move in ?
Besides the financial implications, this is also a big move for your husband and kids, it's going to be different staying there full time than when you stay there for break/weekends etc are they happy to move, are the kids happy to start new schools, make new friends?
Your mam is sadly on her own now so she has to start making decisions for herself, if she has all her adult children making decisions for her then she'll never be independent.

LegacyUser

Guilt and stress are two emotions that can lead to terrible decisions. Your family is going through tremendous upheaval at the moment. I just wonder is your plan about moving being hatched while you're not thinking straight. I also wonder how on board your husband and children really are?

Harsh and all as it is, your priorities should lie with your family. If you sell your house and move what effect will that have on your children? How will it affect your marriage? Is there a danger you will be putting that at risk with what you're proposing? Your husband might be chilled out and going with the flow but don't assume he'll not resent what you're doing to the whole lot of you. Also, if this plan of yours is going to hit your family's finances how do you propose to send your children to college in 10 years time? Through all of this you've been looking backwards towards your original family, not your own one. You've put them on the back burner in my opinion.

Your mum is 72 years old but she's not helpless or incapable of learning new things. She might not like being "abandoned" in the short term but it could be the kick up the backside she needs. My own gran learned how to drive in her 70s after granddad died. She learned to live without him and managed just fine. It can be done.

Aimeee

Great advice already given here. I'd let the dust settle for a good while (12mnths) before making any big decisions.
Also from what I've seen with friends families don't underestimate the effect of family popping in as it will always by the family home to them.
Think carefully before you make any decisions.
Very best of luck.