Great relationship....but

Soulseeker333

Hi,

I'm just looking for some unbias opinions on my relationship. I don't know if I'm just being terribly ungrateful and greedy or if I'm onto something that needs addressing.

So the general gist is im 28, I'm in an 8 year relationship with a guy I met in college. We moved in together last year and it's been fine. He's a great room mate!

This guy is amazing, he's attractive, caring, supportive, patient, ambitious and wants a future with me. He makes me feel loved every day. He wants to start building a more concrete future together but I'm feeling a bit scared!

And my gut!! My gut askes are you the happiest you could be? I'm a silly person I like a bit of lightness at the end of my day, but to him he feels uncomfortable when I act like that. 'I don't know what to say to you when your acting weird'. I've also completely gone off sex over the past 8/9months. I don't know if that's living together or maybe im just in a funk but it's a problem. I've been carrying on because I should but not half as much as we did, then again were together 8 years passion dies!! Are these really irrelevant problems?

I feel like I could predict our future from here and we would have a fine relationship and a steady life together.

Am I just from the rom com generation where we expect no compromise just romance and passion all the time or is fine not ok?

Id appreciate your help.

Thank you!

Sarz91

I found myself going through something similar with my girlfriend of 7 years. The way I got over it was to put as much effort in with her as I would with a brand new relationship. We went on dates, long walks to places we'd never been before and all that sort of stuff. I've honestly never been happier.

There's absolutely no reason to become complacent within a relationship and there's no reason as to why you should stop trying to have fun with the person you're with. People come out with all this bs about passion dying and the relationship becoming boring. You get out what you put in. You owe it to yourself to at least try. If it doesn't work then it doesn't work or if he's not willing then fair enough but give it a shot at least.

OneOfThem

It's not at all unrealistic to expect the passion and romance to last. But it is unrealistic to expect it to without both people putting in the effort to keep it going. The reason relationships are so fun, and passionate and romantic in the beginning is that both people are making it so. They're out to woo the other person. They're making an effort to sweep them off their feet, and make the relationship as fantastic for that person as possible. The reason things change when if/they do isn't the passage of time, it's that complacency sets in. The other person is considered wooed. People take the relationship for granted. It just is. This is the death of passion and romance, for both parties.

I couldn't agree more with Sarz. You need to actively start doing the things you did when the passion was there. You need to start wooing (I dont know why I'm using that word - I'm not 70) each other again, you shouldn't have stopped to begin with.

I think you should talk to him about things. He's pretty certainly noticed the change in things. He's well aware you've less interest in sex and that you're less enthusiastic about it. As well as the other changes in the relationship. He's probably thinking the exact same things as you "is this just what happens? things just end up like this eventually? should I just accept that? should we end things?". But if neither of you talk about it nothing can change. Just sit down with him and say you feel the relationships been in a bit of a rut. That you've both maybe let things just drift a bit. And how you'd really love to get back to the passion and the fun and how unbelievably great you know things can be between you. Be careful to talk about it in terms of you both making a joint effort to keep things great for the other person, and in terms of excitement about the future being great, so that things don't sound like criticism or thinking bad of the relationship, or blamey, or anything like that. But I definitely think you should talk about it.

Best of luck.

OneOfThem

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. It's a great piece of advice the trying like we're at the start of our relationship. What im worried about is there wasn't any 'wooing', he never took me on dates, we were in college together so we'd see eachother there or in nightclubs. I haven't given the go back to the beginning a full go but I have tried little things here and there and his reactions have me dejected. If we're going for a coffee or lunch I'll keep saying, we're goin on our date isn't it exciting?! Obviously joking around and every time his response is we're not going on a date, don't be so ... Insert insulting variation of stupid here. It's constant little things like that that have me worn out.

I can totally see how that would be leaving you feeling dejected about things. That's why I think you need to talk to him about things. If he knows this is you attempting to keep the spark alive, as it's fading fast, then it may make him see the importance of things, rather than just thinking you're being 'silly' or whatever.

zeffabelli

A couple of things.

One is we are obsessed with alternatives, often wondering about a different sort of life, often leaving the one we have in the prospect of a different one.

Passion and romance fades, it's important not to get to attached to them.

Maybe there is nothing wrong with your relationship and want to experiment with a different kind of relationship, one with more challenges.... I think deep down we think or know that's how we grow ....

Maybe you're not growing here?

Soulseeker333

I just feel like the life I have now is the life I'm always going to have. He's a black and white person, he always has been and always will be. But he loves me and I feel he always will......and I don't know why that's not good enough for me. I'm craving excitement and a bit of the unknown but with that I feel like I'm throwing away my nice, fine relationship and our future life/family.

heretochat

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

I just feel like the life I have now is the life I'm always going to have. He's a black and white person, he always has been and always will be. But he loves me and I feel he always will......and I don't know why that's not good enough for me. I'm craving excitement and a bit of the unknown but with that I feel like I'm throwing away my nice, fine relationship and our future life/family.

He loves you - but nowhere do you suggest that you love him.

You relationship is "nice" and "fine" but over the long haul that is never going to be enough.

I think the fact that he is trying to make you cement your future together has got you thinking seriously about the relationship and it does not appear that you like what you have found.

If you do want out you really have to be fair to him and tell him. There is nothing in your post that suggests you see him as anything more than consistent and dependable and that will never be enough

Soulseeker333

I do love him! He's my best friend. I have talked to him, he's aware of all this by now and he wants me to take time and come back to him all fixed up!!

I don't want to hurt him now and I don't want to hurt him a couple of years down the line if this doubt comes up again. The only thing that's hurting me at this point is me hurting him. I deserve to get the brunt of his anger but he shows nothing but love towards me. I'm so bloody confused.

I think your totally right about me getting cold feet because he wants to start settling though, thank you.

LegacyUser

To add to what others have said it is often recommended (and I have found this helpful) that when you're not feeling so sexually excited by your partner you should dial things back. So for example, say no sex for a week but lots of passionate kissing. Then introduce touch the "top half" only, then the bottom half etc. Gradually building back up to sex. The idea is that it's like being an excited teenager doing everything for the first time.

scrimshanker

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

I do love him! He's my best friend. I have talked to him, he's aware of all this by now and he wants me to take time and come back to him all fixed up!!

I don't want to hurt him now and I don't want to hurt him a couple of years down the line if this doubt comes up again. The only thing that's hurting me at this point is me hurting him. I deserve to get the brunt of his anger but he shows nothing but love towards me. I'm so bloody confused.

I think your totally right about me getting cold feet because he wants to start settling though, thank you.

Relationships take two to work. He's putting the survival of your relationship entirely on you and that's very, very unfair of him.

Here's my question though... The passion and romance are gone, and he wants you to fix yourself up and come back happy to firm up your relationship (which to me reads as getting married, start a family etc.???). But what does he define as fixed?

Is fixed where you come back happy to go about the business in the bedroom on schedule and expect no romance, no fun, no passion?

Or is fixed where you get some of your passion back and have more fun in the bedroom??

I think you really need to figure out which one it is. If it's the former, you need to decide if you're willing to stay in that type of relationship forever more. If it's the latter, well then he has to accept that it'll take two of you to bring the passion back.

Soulseeker333

You mean a relationship with your best friend isn't fulfilling enough? My heart is breaking about many things but that's really the question I'm asking. Am I hurting him just to end up in another 'partnership' down the line or worse alone?!!

Sarz91

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

You mean a relationship with your best friend isn't fulfilling enough? My heart is breaking about many things but that's really the question I'm asking. Am I hurting him just to end up in another 'partnership' down the line or worse alone?!!

Don't settle for what you have if it's not what you want. It's always been my worst fear in a relationship. The other person is just with me because it's convenient, they don't want to be alone and they haven't found anyone else yet. If you tick any of the boxes above, you should really leave. It's not fair on either of you.

The onus shouldn't be on you alone to fix it though. I'd speak to him about that if I'm honest. Do you guys have interests outside of the relationship? Do you hang around with friends frequently? If so, are you generally together when you do it? I ask as anything in complete isolation can become boring. If you guys don't do anything else but hang around with each other I'd imagine the conversation becomes stale quickly.

Soulseeker333

It's not that it's convenient I genuinely think the world of him, he offers me so much stability and love and I don't know why having some chemistry is so important when I have such an amazing partner i could spend the rest of my life with. I truly love him, as a friend or a lover I don't really know.i don't know if I'm coming across as quite cold but I'm genuinely cut up about it. He deserves someone to be mad about him. He deserves to feel as loved as he makes me feel.

He does he's very busy with sport and academia. I unfortunately don't have a lot of interests. He keeps us going with day trips but no it's usually just the two of us. I do feel like the onus is on me because I'm creating this problem.

I'm sorry I know I'm rambling on and on in different directions Im just finding it really hard to sort through all my thoughts and fears!

LegacyUser

Another way of looking at this is that your relationship has run its course. You were very young when you got together and you will have changed a lot since then. It almost sounds like you've sleepwalked to the stage you're in now. My impression from reading your posts is that you love him as a friend but you are no longer in love with him.

Sarz91

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

It's not that it's convenient I genuinely think the world of him, he offers me so much stability and love and I don't know why having some chemistry is so important when I have such an amazing partner i could spend the rest of my life with. I truly love him, as a friend or a lover I don't really know.i don't know if I'm coming across as quite cold but I'm genuinely cut up about it. He deserves someone to be mad about him. He deserves to feel as loved as he makes me feel.

He does he's very busy with sport and academia. I unfortunately don't have a lot of interests. He keeps us going with day trips but no it's usually just the two of us. I do feel like the onus is on me because I'm creating this problem.

I'm sorry I know I'm rambling on and on in different directions Im just finding it really hard to sort through all my thoughts and fears!

I don't think you're being cold. I know what it feels like to be in this position. Being in a relationship for 8 years is a long time. Speaking from experience just give it one last shot. Maybe go on a weekend break to a city you've always wanted to visit or something. Maybe you might see him in a different light or what you once had might come back after taking a short break from the same day to day routine. If after 3 or 4 weeks you still feel the same as you feel now, well it's really up to you but if it were me I'd leave.

For me, having something stable but something that bores me isn't worth it. We're all born, we all work and we all die. Don't take something you have some choice in and just settle because it was too scary to do something else.

How you feel is how you feel. You can't help that so don't be so hard on yourself. Sorry I can't be of more help.

zeffabelli

Have you guys turned sibling?

fits

Was there chemistry at the start?

What do you think you might find out there that you dont have now? Have you your eye on anyone?

Soulseeker333

I don't know, I suppose I'd be hoping to find a partner who Id have a physical attraction to aswell as an emotional one.
I have crushes of course but i'm not talking to anyone else and there's no one I'm going to call up if this all goes belly up

I can't remember about the chemistry, I fancied him at the beginning yes.

Soulseeker333

zeffabelli wrote: »

Have you guys turned sibling?

Turned into friends?

Penny Tration

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

I don't know, I suppose I'd be hoping to find a partner who Id have a physical attraction to aswell as an emotional one.
I have crushes of course but i'm not talking to anyone else and there's no one I'm going to call up if this all goes belly up

I can't remember about the chemistry, I fancied him at the beginning yes.

What's to stop you fancying him again?

Ask yourself (no need to tell us here!), what makes YOU feel sexy?

For me, I feel sexy if I pick out new lingerie, really sexy stuff. So I know if I wear that, I'll feel sexy and want sex. So it'll make me jump on my boyfriend!

Is there anything you can do to make yourself feel sexy and want sex?

If the answer is no, then you're just friends.

Tanna12

If you don't fancy him and get turned on by him I think it's time to call it a day. It's not fair to either of you.

Wompa1

No idea...all I know at 30. Sometimes I miss the excitement of starting a new relationship but then it sets in...that's temporary. You're just starting over again with somebody with their own quirks and their own problems. I would ask what it is you want? Do you even want to be in a relationship? If you do...is this guy a good partner? It sounds like he is...I'm not sure why you would throw that away just for some sort of supposed 'excitement'...it's a lie...you create your own excitement.

If you're feeling like you're settling down too young but you're happy with the relationship. Why not just do something different in your life outside of the relationship?

Losing the attraction is a bit odd since you said he was attractive...Maybe you should go on a trip without him or something. I think you'd soon realize the other men out there are not all they are cracked up to be. You usually have to go through a lot of pricks in the rosebush when trying to pick a rose...

stickybookmark

It's not good that you feel he dampens your fun side ....when the passion wears off it's things like having fun together that is the glue in relationships. From my experience you you will go through very good and very bad times in life, but being able to have a laugh and be silly together can lighten the load. Also makes for more entertaining company on all those countless dinners and drinks you're going to have with your life long partner! And if they can't even get excited about going on a date.....he sounds like a bit of a kill joy?

I think you have a bit of soul searching to do but to me having fun and having a sense of fun is right up there in the priority when it comes to a life partner, life is going to throw a lot of sh!t at ya ....

Augme

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

You mean a relationship with your best friend isn't fulfilling enough? My heart is breaking about many things but that's really the question I'm asking. Am I hurting him just to end up in another 'partnership' down the line or worse alone?!!

These words say a lot to me. It often seems like many people are so afraid of being alone that they are happy to stay in relationships that doesn't make them truly happy. I get the impression you are in a relationship with your best friend rather than a boyfriend and the fear of being alone(or apart from him) is keeping you together rather than your feelings for him.

LegacyUser

You're the same age as me except I've been in my relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 12 years. Started going out when I was very young and he has been my only real relationship and the only person I've had any type of sexual contact with. I've had the same feelings as you for a number of years but have stuck around because like you I do love my boyfriend very much and I know he loves me and we do get along so well in many respects, but like you I fear that it is more a friendship love than a romantic love.

I would never cheat on anybody but I find my eye being turned more and more in recent years by some lads I know or lads I meet out. I find myself fantasizing what it would be like to be with someone different not necessary a new relationship or even anything sexual really, just the fun and excitement of the single life, the flirting, the butterflies, the excitement of the first kiss together. I get seriously strong cravings to just kiss people sometimes. I don't fear ending up alone because I've always found it easy to talk to people and always get a least a bit of flirting or interest shown to me regularly by men until I tell them I actually have a boyfriend. If I was to ever have a new actual relationship though it would be someone different to my boyfriend in some ways. Somebody with more self control regarding alcohol and rec drugs, and more ambition for sure..

I know the single life wouldn't be perfect either and some people hate it, but I just feel I've never had the chance to experience it at all really. I've been in a faithful committed relationship since I was 16 just at an age when I was starting to have fun meeting guys for dates or having kisses on nights out and all. I have no children and sometimes I just crave being a single woman living on my own independently, and having a bit of fun when out with my single friends which is when I usually get chatted up. I just love the craic and the carefree feeling of being out having a laugh or the banter when a few single guys come over to our group chatting. I am friendly in return but always make it crystal clear that I'm in a relationship and am not the cheating type. If I feel uncomfortable I remove myself from the situation. But I hate to admit when at home I often wish I was single and could just have a laugh with a new guy.

I know people will read this and thing I am a horrible person for having these feelings and not coming clean about them and they will say that my boyfriend deserves better which may be true but it feels so much more complicated when actually living in it. He is no saint himself either and causes me so much unhappiness in many ways due to his alcoholism and general bad lifestyle and extreme off the scale selfish behaviour but on the flip side can be the perfect person who can also make so happy too. I used to think that if I could "fix" him that our relationship would be perfect but lately I've begun to think that even if everything that bothered me about him disappeared would these feelings or fantasies for other random guys I get just disappear too? At this stage I'm not so sure that they would because he feels like a best friend who I care for and look out for and just want to see happy and safe and I think I will find it very difficult to get myself out of that mentality of seeing him as someone I want to look after and make happy and maybe difficult to see him as an equal in a normal functioning romantic relationship.

I know your own boyfriend doesn't have such serious flaws as mine, but do you feel that even if the niggles were suddenly changed, that he started to indulge your silly side or that you went on a few more dates and stuff that you would definitely once again want to be with only him? That you would stop wondering if it was just a friendship love and that you wouldn't still have doubts about whether he is the only person you want to spend your days with? If so then by all means fight tooth and nail to iron out the creases and get your relationship back on track. If not though, then maybe you are with the wrong person and that spark just isn't there.

I am growing tired of fighting at his point at trying to get somebody to change who obviously doesn't want to change. I am going to give it once last shot I think and try for myself some of the advice you were given such as making extra effort for dates and time together and things, and giving him one last opportunity to sort his own problems out because I can't put with it anymore, it's ruining my life. If things work out but I still feel the same about wishing I was single sometimes then I am done because then I will know for sure that I get these occasional feelings because we are just not compatible whereby now I'm not sure if I just get these feelings because of the other problems in the relationship or not? If things don't work out and his behaviour continues or my attempts to respark things don't work then I am also done if this is the case..
12 years of a relationship is a long time and it wasn't all bad but if it doesn't change now then that is just finally it for me.

Just to let you know that the feelings you're having won't just disappear, take it from someone in the same boat a few years longer down the line but don't make the same mistake as me and wait as long as I have before coming to a decision or trying to sort it...

Remember the simple saying "If nothing changes, then nothing changes"...

stickybookmark

Somewhat Similar wrote: »

He is no saint himself either and causes me so much unhappiness in many ways due to his alcoholism and general bad lifestyle and extreme off the scale selfish behaviour

Run