Afraid of ending up alone

anneperkins

Hi all,

I suppose I wanted to get something off my chest that I feel I have been thinking about so much lately and to hopefully get some advice or hear what you all are feeling or going through. Putting it bluntly, I am so terrified of never marrying and having children. I was watching tv earlier and someone said "life doesn't always turn out the way you would like it to" and such a simple and obvious statement resonated with me so much.....what if I dont ever meet someone I want to marry? I haven't dated in a while, mostly due to self esteem issues.....what if no one ever wants to marry me? I know there are other things in life but for me personally, I would love nothing more than a home with children and a husband. I'm starting to really worry it's not going to happen for me (i am 33). Has anyone ever felt like this and if so, how/did you get out of being in such a hopeless place?

loalae

I'm in a similar situation. I could give you all the bull**** messages that I'm told whenever I bring this up with people I'm close to (you'll meet someone when you least expect blah blah blah) but in reality nobody knows if or when you'll meet someone who's your kind of awesome. It's difficult to keep faith that you'll meet someone when you're actively looking and keeping busy going about your daily life and doing things you enjoy while also making sure to not come off as desperate. It's a tricky balancing act and I think it can only be achieved with a certain level of self-esteem and love.

The only way really is to continually expand your social reach and regularly come into contact with people - not just men you fancy. You never know who they might introduce you too and if nothing else you'll have a new acquaintance!

In terms of feelings of hopelessness, I guess you may just have to develop a belief that you are good enough all by yourself and that although having a partner would be great it's not necessary for you to love yourself.

The children thing is another issue though. Personally, I've decided that I'm going to give myself another couple of years to find my Mr Fantastic but if it doesn't happen I'm going to look into having a baby by myself.

zcorpian88

loalae wrote: »

I'm in a similar situation. I could give you all the bull**** messages that I'm told whenever I bring this up with people I'm close to (you'll meet someone when you least expect blah blah blah) but in reality nobody knows if or when you'll need someone who's your kind of awesome. It's difficult to keep faith that you'll meet someone when you're actively looking and keeping busy going about your daily life and doing things you enjoy while also making sure to not come off as desperate. It's a tricky balancing act and I think it can only be achieved with a certain level of self-esteem and love.

The only way really is to continually expand your social reach and regularly come into contact with people - not just men you fancy. You never know who they might introduce you too and if nothing else you'll have a new acquaintance!

In terms of feelings of hopelessness, I guess you may just have to develop a belief that you are good enough all by yourself and that although having a partner would be great it's not necessary for you to love yourself.

The children thing is another issue though. Personally, I've decided that I'm going to give myself another couple of years to find my Mr Fantastic but if it doesn't happen I'm going to look into having a baby by myself.

As a male, I've had the same treatment from people, you'll get all of this "Plenty of fish" stuff from friends and family but it doesn't always work out that way, depends on your circumstances I think.

Truth be told, and I'm not going to say this about all women but I find a lot of women that are in their 20's and even into their 30's to be very shallow and picky of what they want in a partner and spend years and years holding out for "Mr tall, dark and handsome" like something from 50 Shades of Grey or one of the douches in Home and Away that always takes his bloody vest off. It's between that and other shallow nonsense like what you do for a living and your income even your education and do you live up to this high standard they've set for themselves that you must meet or they'll turn their nose up to you.

I think it all comes with Ireland becoming more westernized and "yuppified" since the celtic tiger and all the media in people's face on what a relationship is supposed to be and making people picky about who is compatible and who isn't. Probably an unpopular generalization, but going by my own experiences with the opposite sex it's becoming a pattern. Either that or I'm chatting up the wrong ones.

PinkLemonade

zcorpian88 wrote: »

As a male, I've had the same treatment from people, you'll get all of this "Plenty of fish" stuff from friends and family but it doesn't always work out that way, depends on your circumstances I think.

Truth be told, and I'm not going to say this about all women but I find a lot of women that are in their 20's and even into their 30's to be very shallow and picky of what they want in a partner and spend years and years holding out for "Mr tall, dark and handsome" like something from 50 Shades of Grey or one of the douches in Home and Away that always takes his bloody vest off. It's between that and other shallow nonsense like what you do for a living and your income even your education and do you live up to this high standard they've set for themselves that you must meet or they'll turn their nose up to you.

I think it all comes with Ireland becoming more westernized and "yuppified" since the celtic tiger and all the media in people's face on what a relationship is supposed to be and making people picky about who is compatible and who isn't. Probably an unpopular generalization, but going by my own experiences with the opposite sex it's becoming a pattern. Either that or I'm chatting up the wrong ones.

You're chatting up the wrong ones.
I hope when your making generalisations about all these women being shallow your not just refering to the more attractive ladies that everyone is chatting up in the pub?

LegacyUser

I know exactly where you're coming from OP as I'm in a similar situation. I'm early 30's and been single just over 3 years now. I've gone on plenty of dates and haven't clicked with anyone. I'm actually starting to get very bored of the whole dating scene now so I think I will take a break for a while.

However, it's constantly in the back of my mind that I might never meet someone who I'd like to marry. People say you have to be happy by yourself first etc etc, and I am. I fill my time with hobbies & meeting up with friends. But for me, I don't think that's enough. I know that if I never get married and have the chance to have children, I'll be hugely disappointed. I can't imagine I'll ever be happy being single and I'm seriously starting to wonder if I should start seeing a counselor. Does anyone think that this would be helpful in terms of allowing me to accept that if I might never meet someone, and that I can be just as happy alone and unmarried/childless?

santana75

Same_here wrote: »

I know exactly where you're coming from OP as I'm in a similar situation. I'm early 30's and been single just over 3 years now. I've gone on plenty of dates and haven't clicked with anyone. I'm actually starting to get very bored of the whole dating scene now so I think I will take a break for a while.

However, it's constantly in the back of my mind that I might never meet someone who I'd like to marry. People say you have to be happy by yourself first etc etc, and I am. I fill my time with hobbies & meeting up with friends. But for me, I don't think that's enough. I know that if I never get married and have the chance to have children, I'll be hugely disappointed. I can't imagine I'll ever be happy being single and I'm seriously starting to wonder if I should start seeing a counselor. Does anyone think that this would be helpful in terms of allowing me to accept that if I might never meet someone, and that I can be just as happy alone and unmarried/childless?

When you form a connection with yourself at a deep level the strength of that urge to desperately find someone and to have babies for fear of being left on the shelf, decreases a lot. You relax and when you're relaxed you send out a relaxed vibe which is very attractive. Its a paradox, when you dont want it so much you'll get it. And I know thats frustrating, its like you'll get it when you dont need it so much, but thats true for a lot of life.
But I think aswell focusing on your problems is not such a great thing. Like projecting your thoughts into a future where you're not married with kids and feeling loss or disappointment, thats only going to create misery and the vibe you send out is exactly that, a miserable one. And in that state of mind if you do attract someone it'll be someone whos equally afraid or sees their own future as being disappointing aswell. And would you want to be with someone like that? You'd want to be with someone whos happy, emotionally and psyhcologically healthy, not someone whos desperate. You basically have to become what you'd like to attract. If you want someone whos healthy, balanced and relaxed and not fearful of the future or ending up alone, then thats what you have to become yourself. And the way to do that is to create a deep relationship with yourself. I know thats vague but have you seen the TED talk by Tracy mc Millian? Its brilliant and explains this concept so well:

P_Cash

A good starting point would be, would you date yourself.

We all have flaws, some are ironed out by meeting someone, and if u haven't been with anyone for a while maybe u have picked up a few, perhaps the type that people might not find appealing.

I know this one girl that is single, but while would love to see her settled, and we know she feels the same, she's on cloud 9. A 22yr in 35yr old body. She gives off signs of I'm free and i don't want to settle ever, loud, boisterous, high flying, partying, . . I mean if i was attracted to her, i couldnt deal with her lifestyle, and i don't know many who could.

Just simply ask would u date urself and what would u change, if not.

Xterminator

OP, my advice to you would be not to wait for it to happen. Get yourself out there & grab the life you want.

dont sit back and wish things were different. i know that's easy to say and harder to do, but the chances of meeting mr right while sitting on your couch watching the tv are zero.

Work 1 night a week with Simon community or in an animal shelter, and join a group with a common interest you share eg running etc.

The_Valeyard

I'd a couple mates who felt in a similar situation. Two male one female.

They started using internet dating sites. All three now in long-term relationships. They just had enough of the club scene. Have you explored that option?

ladygirl

I agree with the above poster - go out there and grab the life you want.

I have some friends who are single guys/girls, really lovely people and all who would make fantastic partners however as much as they might moan about being single they never really seem to do anything about it. Yes they might go out at the weekend to the local pub but to be honest I don't think the man/woman of their dreams is going to come running in looking for them. Either this or they end up spending their weekends staying in and in this case the person isn't going to come knocking at their doors looking for them.

You need to put yourself out there. Join new clubs, gym, fitness groups. Go out to new places and when you do actually make an effort to chat to people as opposed to sticking to your own group like glue.

I'm not saying that you are in any way like the post I have described above - I am simply only speaking for some of my friends and how I think their actions are not doing themselves any favours.

zcorpian88

PinkLemonade wrote: »

You're chatting up the wrong ones.
I hope when your making generalisations about all these women being shallow your not just refering to the more attractive ladies that everyone is chatting up in the pub?

Of course not, it goes for women who go from average in looks to the more attractive ones. I don't just pick out the first bombshell and approach them, that doesn't work in my favour, I did that when I was younger and naive, I rarely do that now wouldn't say because of confidence but only because the stunningly attractive ones can get anybody they want and I don't want every guy leering at my girlfriend, some guys love that and gives them an ego boost, not me though,

I'm looking for personality as well as looks even if woman wasn't you know a perfect 10, if she had a personality I was attracted to that would catch me as good as looks would. That's what attracted me to my last girlfriend, all the good that done me in the long run. (S**ty break up)

beks101

anneperkins wrote: »

.....what if I dont ever meet someone I want to marry? I haven't dated in a while, mostly due to self esteem issues.....what if no one ever wants to marry me?

And so what if they don't? So what if you don't meet anyone? You'll continue to live the life you're living, with a (hopefully) healthy body and legs and arms and a brain that works and a job and a place to live and a family and friends etc etc etc.

I think you need to NOT be defined by this fear of ending up alone. There's a chance that you won't meet anyone and you won't marry and have kids. I don't say that to be grim - I say it to be realistic. I think the second you embrace your life as it is, and decide to make the most of it, and not live every waking moment thinking "OMG WHAT IF I'M FOREVER ALONE!!" - that's the time that you've got your best foot forward and you're most attractive to other people.

By all means, date, join groups, expand your social circle. Try the online thing. Figure out what you love to do and join a group that supports that. Spend time with friends and seek out those nights out, house parties, social events. But do it for the love of it. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. People are attracted by people who smile. People who make them feel at ease. People who start conversations with others and laugh a lot. People who are at ease in their own skin. It's hard to be all of those things when the fear of not meeting someone is always at the forefront of your mind. Where everything you do is motivated by meeting a man to marry.

I met my OH through work. I met my ex at a random friend's house party that I almost didn't go to. I've dated a LOT over the years, lots of online, lots of formal dinners, random hook ups, etc, and the the few relationships I've had came about through scenarios where I was just living my life and seeking out the craic or a bit of adventure. Where I didn't have my "game face" on so to speak and was just being me.

You can't manipulate those sorts of encounters. But you can put yourself out there, be socially active, go to anything and everything, take up hobbies and smile at strangers for the hell of it. You can learn to be at ease with yourself and your life, despite the pressing "timeline."

anneperkins

Thanks everyone for your kind and great advice. On one hand, I do know that in order to be in a relationship I must be happy in my own skin and I feel I have made leaps and bounds in this regard over the past few years. I know I need to live my life and not force something. However, on the other hand, I suppose I feel just so fed up and want to just admit that, yes, ok, my life is great etc but i know it would be better if I was in a loving relationship, you know? I think often people are afraid of coming across as weird by saying they feel lonely, but I do. It's not fun to be at weddings on your own. It's hard to come home to an empty place. It's crappy to not get a big hug every day.

I will get the ball rolling on meeting new people and joining a group. Like one post said, just get out there and have the craic. Can't say fairer than that )

Jotunheim

Better to be on the shelf than locked in the wrong cupboard. A quick look at threads here will show you how lonely, stressful and damaging the wrong relationship can be. Obviously it's not binary between being on your own and the wrong relationship, there's plenty of happy ones, but it's no harm to count your blessings and appreciate that you are free to do what you want, including starting a relationship with the right person when they appear rather than regretting mistakes and dealing with baggage.

beks101

anneperkins wrote: »

I think often people are afraid of coming across as weird by saying they feel lonely, but I do. It's not fun to be at weddings on your own. It's hard to come home to an empty place. It's crappy to not get a big hug every day.

You're more likely to mingle and meet new people when you go to weddings on your own. Coming home to an empty place means more personal space to do what you want, when you want, and spend the rest of the time out and about meeting up with people and doing fun stuff. That's truly a great thing (I live in London, personal space is like gold dust!)

And a big hug every day? Why not hug your friends and your family? Call your best mate for a chat, catch up with that friend you haven't seen in a while, have a girls night, go for drinks with your siblings, take a yoga class. Harness that loneliness to draw people closer to you.

Listen, I'm not saying to ignore the feelings and become Ms Independent Woman I-don't-need-a-man-101. Acknowledge the feelings and let yourself feel them. It's the most human thing in the world, to pine for intimacy, for someone to hold, someone to come home to. BUT. It doesn't have to define you and your world. It doesn't have to dictate your mood for the day.

One thing I've noticed over the years, is how much I SMILE and make eye contact with other people is in direct proportion to how much I get approached and how active my social life and dating life is.

I spent years feeling miserable for being single, years feeling insecure and crap about myself and "why can't I..." and "I deserve...", to the detriment of all the other wonderful stuff that I had going on in my life, all the deadly friends and the new travels and adventures, the exciting career, the amazing family. It can take over, when it goes on too long. It can change your demeanour and your outlook on life.

Have a happy outlook. Take risks, be one of those people who does things "just for the craic." See the great things and smile at people. Believe me, they smile back. They look. They stare. They want to be a part of your scene, they want to be around you. You get back what you put out.

lisasimpson

Dont worry op your not alone thinking that.im single nearly 9 yrs just a few flings since then nothing serious.i miss the company the cuddles etc...for a lot of those 9yr i wasnt always comfortable been me..im getting there...i know he might not be the most exciting bt try a meet up with friends for coffee cinema nights etc helps distract the mind a bit...also im dipping into d on line scene dont expect much from that but it gets you out there plus if anything some of the ecperiences with it will give you something to laugh at

anneperkins

Jotunheim wrote: »

Better to be on the shelf than locked in the wrong cupboard. A quick look at threads here will show you how lonely, stressful and damaging the wrong relationship can be. Obviously it's not binary between being on your own and the wrong relationship, there's plenty of happy ones, but it's no harm to count your blessings and appreciate that you are free to do what you want, including starting a relationship with the right person when they appear rather than regretting mistakes and dealing with baggage.

Thanks Jotunheim - have never heard that expression before about shelf and cupboard

anneperkins

lisasimpson wrote: »

Dont worry op your not alone thinking that.im single nearly 9 yrs just a few flings since then nothing serious.i miss the company the cuddles etc...for a lot of those 9yr i wasnt always comfortable been me..im getting there...i know he might not be the most exciting bt try a meet up with friends for coffee cinema nights etc helps distract the mind a bit...also im dipping into d on line scene dont expect much from that but it gets you out there plus if anything some of the ecperiences with it will give you something to laugh at

Thanks Lisa it is strangely a bit comforting to know there are other people going through the same. Wishing you the best and sending you a cyber hug lols!

Jotunheim

anneperkins wrote: »

Thanks Jotunheim - have never heard that expression before about shelf and cupboard

Probably because of its high potential for causing offence, rendering it dangerous for use other than in the hands of an expert


Anyway, forget goals and aims, just get out there and do stuff. Like John Lennon said, life is what happens while you're making other plans.