Am I doing enough to help my wife or am I being selfish?

LegacyUser

Hello, I’d like to get some views as to whether I’m right or wrong in this situation. A little background info, I’m 38 years old, Irish. My wife is 37 years old and from Czech Republic. We have a 4 year old boy together. The problem is that my wife feels that I do not do enough to help out with the little fella and around the house, and that I’m selfish in my putting my own wants/needs before the family’s.

To give some more context, my wife doesn’t work at the moment as she can’t find a job. I work in a regular office job full time. The little fella goes to playschool Monday to Friday (half day on Friday) and is now off for the summer. He’ll be going back in September. When he’s in playschool, the Mrs. takes him there in the morning, collects him in late afternoon and usually cleans/cooks while he’s there during the day. On Fridays he comes home and takes a 2 ½ hr nap. During the summer holidays, she takes care of him every day. He wakes up around 8:30 am after I’ve left for work, they play together, go for a walk and he sleeps from 2 – 4:30 pm more or less.

As for my schedule, I leave for work about 8:15 and come back home around 7pm every evening. We eat dinner together, I spent some time playing with the little fella, and then I read him a story (usually about 20/30 minutes) at about 9pm before he goes asleep. That’s Monday – Friday, on weekends usually I’ll take him to the playground by myself for 2 hours on either Sat/Sunday and I’ll read for him before naptime and bedtime on both days. We also play a little bit in the garden usually, kicking a football around for a while before dinner, that kind of thing. On Saturdays, I also go to the supermarket while he's asleep and do a big shop for the week.

To be honest, I pretty much do no housework. I do clean the kitchen and load/empty the dishwasher sometimes but that’s about it. Recently my wife does all the cooking. Previously, she would cook Mon-Friday and I would cook on weekends, usually making a massive dinner on Sunday like big stew or roast that would last several days. The Mrs. decided that I make too much of a mess while cooking (even though I clean it up) and so told me to stop cooking apart from the odd time.

Apart from this, I pay all the bills and take care of all the letters and financial stuff. We bought a house a few months ago (we were renting before that) and I did pretty much everything when it came to engaging with solicitor, negotiating on offers, working out mortgage with bank, etc.

As for socialising, I go out for a few drinks with my friends on average once every 3 months at most. I don’t spend any money on myself because money is tight and mrs and little fella come first. I have a Netflix account (10 euro a month) and I buy a cheap bottle of wine the odd weekend, and that’s pretty much it. I used to play squash twice a week but gave it up because of time constraints.

Now the issue about me not helping enough has been brewing for a while but it all came to a head yesterday. My wife’s sister is currently staying with us with her daughter (i.e. my wife’s niece). My wife wanted me to take both little ones to the park for a few hours so they could clean the house. I told them I wanted to see the match on telly and I’ve been looking forward to it for weeks. My wife said tough luck, cleaning the house is more important. I told her that big sporting occasions like these are important for me and I really want to watch them. I practically never get to watch a full match anymore, the last time I saw a full match on telly was about 2 years ago because I’m always occupied with the little fella or something comes up. Before he was born I used to travel to the odd football match in England, go to a decent few hurling matches and often stay up late to watch the boxing. Now I can’t even see anything on the telly.

This time, I decided that I was going to watch it. My wife and her sister were really annoyed at me, they thought I was being completely unreasonable and couldn’t understand my viewpoint. She called me selfish even though the previous night I had got up out of bed 4 times because my son was having bad dreams. I told them that they could clean the house the next day but they said no because someone needs to mind the little ones. I said one of you can mind the kids while one cleans and they said no because it’s too much for 1 person to do and they don’t want to spread it out over more than 1 day. Our house is not a mansion by the way.

The wife said I'm not doing enough overall and me sleeping in on weekends (usually til about 10am) is being very lazy and selfish. I think that overall I'm doing more than my fair share and she's way out of line. She genuinely thinks I'm being ridiculous.

Now of course there are cultural differences at play. But I can’t understand their mentality of life being all about work and cleaning. If it was down to the wife, any free time must be filled with chores/work rather than relaxing/social pastimes. We’re unlucky in that there are no grandparents to help out, mine are quite elderly and living a good 1 hr 15 mins away, and hers are of course in a foreign country.

So, whose in the right here? And if I am right, how can I explain to my wife to get her to see things from my point of view?

retro:electro

It sounds like you both have a good routine going and you're doing your fair share there's no doubt about that. You're entitled to wind down and watch a match every once in a while, nothing wrong with that at all. I think she was being completely unreasonable tbh. You're gone from the house for most hours of the day but she sees this as you just being gone, she may not understand that you yourself are wrecked and working long hours. You most certainly need to have a chat with her about how she spoke to you yesterday and how humiliating to do it in front of her sister too. Not very nice at all.

athtrasna

The only thing that stands out to me as unfair is that you say you sleep in on weekends. Surely the fair thing is one sleeps in on Saturday and one on Sunday. She has an early start during the week too with you being gone.

LegacyUser

I think she Is being unreasonable. It sounds like you both do your fair share. She might see your long days at work as time to yourself, failing to realise that you are working to keep a roof over your head and food on the table. I don't understand why they wanted you out of the house to clean! You've got two kids with at you at the moment, I know from having kids staying with me, the very minute you have the house clean and tidy they'll come in and make a mess.
Maybe they wanted to some time to themselves but could they not have gone out somewhere and left the kids with you and then you would have got to enjoy the match. Does she have any hobbies? What does she do with her free time?

MouseTail

I don't think its a case of either of you being right/wrong. It seems to me your wife is very houseproud, and places a high value on a clean and tidy house. This has probably been out of kilter with your son being at home all Summer, so the normal routine / chore sharing is not working for her.
From my reading, you do your fair share regarding parenting, but not with household chores.

zeffabelli

It's a mindset clash.

She's a good housewife do she prides herself on the home, and all else is secondary.

Can you tell her you appreciate this is a priority for her but you don't mind if it gets a little messy and that you both need more social inputs.

She's probably going nuts now with the four year old home all day. There are mothers all over the nation bonkers by the end of July.

Don't worry come September and a little headspace things will get ok again.

Nervous Wreck

MouseTail wrote: »

From my reading, you do your fair share regarding parenting, but not with household chores.

I would argue that the OP does his fair share with household chores by providing a roof, electricity, cleaning supplies etc. through being the sole earner in the house atm.

Ruby31

If she cooks and cleans while he's with her after play school, what does she do while he's IN school? Play school generally runs for 3.5rs in the morning, so how is he only being collected late afternoon? If she gets to relax and do her own thing during this time, then I definitely think she can't complain that you're not doing enough.

What time does your child wake up at weekends? If he's an early riser, she could be waiting on you to get out of bed for 3/4 hours. If he sleeps til later, then it's not a big problem, but I do think you should each get a lie-on.

I know a Czech lady and she too is manic about cleaning, so maybe there is a cultural element to this. I agree that it was very bad form for her to have a go at you in front of her sister. Also, you did used to cook but she wasn't happy with the mess you left, so that's her problem. She can't complain about gay because you said yourself that you always cleaned up afterwards.

My husband does very little housework, but it only bothers me at weekends because I'm a SAHP, so I see it as my job mon-fri. I just tell him to hang out the washing, etc and ignore the look I always get grrr!

Talk to your wife. Maybe it's the LONG summer days that are getting to her. I for one cannot wait for school to start back. Being at home with kids is very different to working in an office where you have a structured day, coffee breaks, lunch, etc.

orthsquel

The way I'd read it in the instance itself, is that you and the children would have been under their feet while they cleaned; In other words, in the way. Having someone in front of the tv or walking between rooms when you're trying to clean is a pain of the highest order, regardless whether it's a quick clean like cleaning counters and hoovering or a full house clean (e.g. taking out rugs, bashing the dust out, washing floors, cleaning stairs, washing windows and cleaning skirting boards and all those little things you don't normally do every day or every week). It's awkward trying to clean with adults going around, worse when you have to work around small children, especially if they want/need/demand attention, get bored or want to "help" and aren't able to entertain themselves and need to be watched outside to ensure their safety.

I can understand that you also want to have your "me" time, your down time, and space to unwind, away from work and children and be an individual. It sounds that your wife doesn't really get that opportunity, at least not at the moment, with a child to look after all day from 7/8am whenever they wake up when you are at work. Both of you sound like very dedicated parents, you both make effort and are hard working in what you do, with family responsibilities working, bills, and being house proud and looking after your child.

I wouldn't really call you selfish though. Both of you need space to yourselves and maybe for your wife with her sister, even though they were cleaning, it was space to themselves, away from the children for both of them. Having a child all day every day, day in day out can be exhausting and often means that chores that may need doing don't get done save unless the child is asleep, never mind the parent having 5 minutes to themselves for some head space, a chance to go to the loo, depending too on the age of the child and if they can be left alone at all even in a room doing an activity.

Having always had a lot of responsibility with running a house, it is nice to find that instead of having to do chore X, it's already been done by someone else. I do find it infuriating when someone else is capable of doing something but doesn't do it and leaves it to someone else (i.e. me) to do it instead. And not specifically a big deep clean, just simple stuff, emptying dishwasher, bins, compost stuff, cleaning up something spilt, dealing with the cat, putting something away, giving a quick tidy up, getting more loo roll, handwash and putting it in the bathroom when needed. Stuff like that I find can be one more thing I can tick off my long list of things I have to do and stuff like I've mentioned are all tasks that are in my mind 5 minute tasks, easy and quick to do. And I will also say: sometimes there isn't a choice between having to do chores and having a chance to enjoy a past time. It's often either one or the other and some chores you can't put off, if you do it means more work to be done in washing building up, folded and put away, which takes more time with multiple loads in one go than with a single load. And what I often feel is that if I don't do it, who will? I have yet to see any fairies appear in the night to magically do it for me, and realistically in life as a responsible adult, if I don't do these things that need doing, it's not going to get done, because there isn't someone else there to do it for me. Perhaps your wife feels similar?

strandroad

I bet the way she saw it was:
- you don't do housework at all.
- you refused to facilitate her doing her part.
- her sister is a guest in your house, but she still offered her help with housework (in your place, in a way), and yet you ruined this plan.

If you look at it from this perspective it's probably why she was cross with you. She was left to manage your child, the guests and the house (which, with extra people in, probably did need some care) and you checked out on her.

Depending on how the sister likes you may have come across as quite rude too.

Was there no way to record the game to watch it when you're back?

emo72

a mother of 2 boys told me that while she stayed at home and done all the housework and raised the kids while her husband worked instead, that it was really a doddle to do it. her friends in the same position used to milk it with their husbands, putting the guilt trip on the hubbies. her words not mine now, a very frank admission. she may have been one of a kind. also she did admit her hubby done all the diy and garden work, which kept him busy fairly too.

in the ops defence, it was the start of the season at the weekend, and all the sports mad lads have been looking forward to it for months. i think he is in the right here.

willow tree

What does she think is reasonable? How's the relationship otherwise? Ye have very little support, do ye get to go out? Have fun together, dates/night away/etc? Show each other ye appreciate & respect each other?

December2012

Why do you assume you should get a lie in every weekend?

That's not fair.

Neyite

I think there is room for compromise on both sides to be honest.

Most men who have a stay at home partner, come home and do some housework as well sharing the bedtime routine tasks of bath/stories etc. You don't have any household duties, or any cooking duties now. If you asked a few of the dads on boards, they'd say that you probably have it pretty sweet tbh. You have your employment, and you have a bit of quality time with your child, (which as a Dad I'd imagine you'd try to make a bit of time daily for your child), a shopping trip once a week, and that's it. She does everything else.

Can I ask, what day of the week is your wife's day off from her job? You get two days off. She appears to get none. Does she ever get a sleep in on the weekend either?

With regard to the match - firstly, you've guests staying. So you put them first, you don't just park yourself in front of a telly and ignore anyone when you have people staying. Generally, if its a guest from my partner's side, I take care of stuff so he can sit and talk to them, and when I have someone visiting, he distracts the child or takes him off for a bath so I can sit and have a cuppa with my guest.

The match? Do what every other man with little kids does, stick the match on to record, and watch it when the kids are in bed and you can actually get a bit of peace and quiet to watch it. I know that you are a sports fan - my partner is too, but since we've had a kid, the amount he watches has plummeted. That's just a side effect of parenting tbh. I have hobbies that have fell by the wayside too.

Your wife might have been trying to find a way to get everyone out of the house so she could spend some time talking with her sister uninterrupted. Maybe the sister has some stuff going on and needed to talk, and the cleaning was just a ruse. It's what I would do if I got a vibe that my sister had something on her mind.

Having said that, while I'd tend to lean towards agreeing with your wife on the match vs bringing kids out of the house, I do think that bringing it up in front of her sister or not talking to you about it privately was wrong.

So a bit of give and take here I think. The problem with strict family roles like this is that you should both still be helping each other out regardless. Kids that age are full on and can be a head-wreck in the way that you don't get in another 'job' and just an hours peace from the constant demands to recharge can be so helpful.

zeffabelli

^ My dad would throw us out of the room when a match was on. It was shut up or gtfo.

deisemum

I think your wife is very unreasonable. What is she doing with all the free time when your son is in playschool if she's doing the cleaning when he's having a very long nap in the afternoons? That's about 6.5 hours free time per day she has to do the cleaning.

With regard to the lie-in one of you have it one of the weekend mornings and the other on the other day.

I think she doesn't respect you the way she started on you in front of your sister in law in your own home nor does she respect your contribution in providing for your family.

Your house should be a home not a showhouse.

Neyite

zeffabelli wrote: »

^ My dad would throw us out of the room when a match was on. It was shut up or gtfo.

So would mine. But then back in those days you couldn't record stuff. (I'm showing my age here!)

But if my partner tried to do it with me, he'd soon feel my wrath. Now if he asked me nicely to bring junior to the park for the duration and explained why it was important to him, I'd do it if I could. Same way he does similar when I need to work on my hobby stuff and I cant when the kid is around (blades and stuff)

My motto is: Never demand as a right, what you can ask as a favour.

Full Marx

A match is a live sporting event, not a TV show. It's not the same watching a replay of it. It's a non runner.

I don't understand why your wife could not do one of the following:

1. Clean the next day

2. Clean with the kids in the house

3. Wait until after the match

TBH it sounds like you are both stuck in the house too much, when this happens silly issues like this take on a life of their own. Do you go out often socially with your wife without your child?

Lux23

I don't know how any anyone can spend that much time cleaning, there are three of you living in the house and a toddler won't make that much of a mess (most of the time). Personally I think your wife needs to get a few hours out of the house whether this is working/ at the gym/spending time with friends, it sounds to me like she is spending her life cleaning and cooking. If the little fella is in playschool during the week she should be getting a few hours to herself. Has she any outlets at all?

zeffabelli

Lux23 wrote: »

I don't know how any anyone can spend that much time cleaning, there are three of you living in the house and a toddler won't make that much of a mess (most of the time). Personally I think your wife needs to get a few hours out of the house whether this is working/ at the gym/spending time with friends, it sounds to me like she is spending her life cleaning and cooking. If the little fella is in playschool during the week she should be getting a few hours to herself. Has she any outlets at all?

Are you kidding toddlers make a huge mess!! Constant mess.

Heck I have an older child and between muck, spills, pen marks, laundry and other various mishaps/disasters not to mention cooking And washing up 3-4 times a day it's never ideal.... While your taking care of one mess another one is being created!

OneOfThem

Lux23 wrote: »

I don't know how any anyone can spend that much time cleaning, there are three of you living in the house and a toddler won't make that much of a mess (most of the time). Personally I think your wife needs to get a few hours out of the house whether this is working/ at the gym/spending time with friends, it sounds to me like she is spending her life cleaning and cooking. If the little fella is in playschool during the week she should be getting a few hours to herself. Has she any outlets at all?

I think it's extremely unlikely that she actually spends all that time cleaning. She would have to be the slowest moving individual in the world. Sitting down and watching TV while the washing is on, and sitting around chatting to a friend having a cup of coffee etc, tends to all be considered "on the clock".

zeffabelli

OneOfThem wrote: »

I think it's extremely unlikely that she actually spends all that time cleaning. She would have to be the slowest moving individual in the world. Sitting down and watching TV while the washing is on, and sitting around chatting to a friend having a cup of coffee etc, tends to all be considered "on the clock".

You'd be surprised how long it can take getting mushed up banana out of your DVDs drive.

It takes a long time also due to the interruptions of hearing all the pots and pans being dragged out of the press, the cry from a fall from an attempt ion climb into counters, escapes out the front door, toilet paper all over the stair banisters, it might take 5 hours to clean out that banana with all the other stuff going on.

Potatoeman

zeffabelli wrote: »

Are you kidding toddlers make a huge mess!! Constant mess.

Heck I have an older child and between muck, spills, pen marks, laundry and other various mishaps/disasters not to mention cooking And washing up 3-4 times a day it's never ideal.... While your taking care of one mess another one is being created!

There are washing machines and dishwashers for that. I don't doubt its a lot of work before they go to school but once they are in school its far less.

zeffabelli

Potatoeman wrote: »

There are washing machines and dishwashers for that. I don't doubt its a lot of work before they go to school but once they are in school its far less.

He's not in school.

And it's the summer, no one is in school.

retro:electro

I can't believe people are giving the op hassle about wanting to watch a live match! He admits he hadn't seen one properly in over two years! It's not as if he's parked in front of the tv every bloody weekend. Maybe if the wife had said she needed him to take the kid because her sister wanted to talk, or her and her sister wanted to watch something; fair enough. But it was because she wanted to clean, something she does every single day of the week anyway. Cleaning may even be her form of relaxation, it is for some people. Cut the op some slack, the guy is allowed to watch a match every now and again without having to feel guilty for this that and the other.

LegacyUser

BennyGrif wrote: »

So, whose in the right here? And if I am right, how can I explain to my wife to get her to see things from my point of view?

OP if your goal is to prove your right then it's not really a healthy road to go down. No one is right or wrong. You need to work together to find a balance that works for your situation as everyones is different so there's no point in a bunch of us here telling whose 'right'. I don't think your view of things is incorrect but it is your view, your wife could easyily post and painting a totally different view of the same situation.

It sounds like over all you've got a good system but clearly you need with your son as your both getting to spend time with him but you didn't talk about any time with your wife without your son or cleaning. You only mention your wifes sister not any friends or other activities outside of the house or son so maybe she's become a little crazy about keeping the house clean as it's the only job she has.

Sit down and talk like adults rather then trying to decided who was right and who was wrong.

zeffabelli

anna080 wrote: »

I can't believe people are giving the op hassle about wanting to watch a live match! He admits he hadn't seen one properly in over two years! It's not as if he's parked in front of the tv every bloody weekend. Maybe if the wife had said she needed him to take the kid because her sister wanted to talk, or her and her sister wanted to watch something; fair enough. But it was because she wanted to clean, something she does every single day of the week anyway. Cleaning may even be her form of relaxation, it is for some people. Cut the op some slack, the guy is allowed to watch a match every now and again without having to feel guilty for this that and the other.

Clean freaks expect everyone else to fall into line, their way is the right way.....

General problem is they get the default moral hi ground.

Neyite

anna080 wrote: »

I can't believe people are giving the op hassle about wanting to watch a live match! He admits he hadn't seen one properly in over two years! It's not as if he's parked in front of the tv every bloody weekend. Maybe if the wife had said she needed him to take the kid because her sister wanted to talk, or her and her sister wanted to watch something; fair enough. But it was because she wanted to clean, something she does every single day of the week anyway. Cleaning may even be her form of relaxation, it is for some people. Cut the op some slack, the guy is allowed to watch a match every now and again without having to feel guilty for this that and the other.

And then look at it from her point of view - her workload has increased dramatically now that the child is at home for the summer instead of in nursery. And she has guests to look after - cook for and entertain too (one is another kid so the mess and chaos created by toddlers in the house is doubled). Then her husband rolls out of bed after two lie-in's in a row and proceeds to sit down to watch a match. I have to say, I'd be less than impressed.

I know when my family stay, I try to have the house looking spotless when they arrive, I don't want them thinking I'm a slob. Probably it was starting to look a huge mess by her standards and she wanted to right it.

I'm not saying that it's right or wrong necessarily but the two events clashed - the game and the guests, and both husband and wife prioritised them differently. Ultimately, it should be about conflict resolution instead of one-up-man-ship. Both sides feel they have valid points and they probably do, he can argue that he never gets to see the game, she can argue that she only sees her sister once a year.

My partner is football daft. Mad about it. He'd watch anything with a ball in it. But unless he is actually playing in a match, going training with his team or on the subs bench for it, it's telly entertainment that he is happy to record the event to watch later if we have family things that need doing.

trio

The lie ins at the weekend till 10am would kill me, tbh.

You don't need lie ins till 10am - c'mon, be honest. And I daresay when you eventually do emerge, you spend another good while mooching about having breakfast and drinking coffee and reading the headlines online.

I doubt you spring out of bed and immediately take the child off your wife so she can have a piss without a child gazing up at her from the bathroom mat.

You don't do a tap around the house, you're not home till 7pm at night during the week, and you take it nice and easy enough at the weekends.

You've got it made. And she's starting to realise that she's the family servant, cos if she doesn't do it? It ain't getting done.

Thats what kills stay at home moms. It always gets made into "you're too houseproud" as if the Mom is basically bitching about nothing, or making work for themselves. But when you drill down into the minutiae of managing the day to day **** of a small child and a house, its headwrecking. As someone said above - just knowing that if your husband leaves something on the floor or on the counter its gonna stay there until YOU clean it up. Just knowing that if the kid wakes up in a defiant mood on Saturday morning and you're sick to death of dealing with his moods all week, that nobody is going to help you cos Daddy needs his lie-ins.

That can breed resentment very very fast. You start to feel like even though you signed up to be a stay at home mom, you actually signed up to be a 24/7 servant, and your husband would do less and less year on year, and think he was a great man cos he does basic parenting, and you feel like you have 2 kids now to clean up after and feed, and nobody warned you.

bp

I can see both sides. I am a mother of two. a 2.5 year old in creche three days a week and a four month old. To lay it out yesterday I did the following:

Awake at 3.30am feed baby (husband in spare room).
Awake at 6.30 with 2 year old - milk, rice cake, nappy etc
7.30 baby wakes - feed, change and dress baby
7.50 dress two years old
8.00 walk to creche....pause for tantrum or chat or something
8.30 home - baby actually asleep so get shower and laundry folded and put away
9.30 baby awake
9.30-12: unload dish washer, do laundry, hang out laundry, sweep and hoover, load dish washer, feed cat, eat fast
12: feed baby and down for nap. Prepare dinner (peel, scrub, marinade etc), make beds, tidY bedrooms, eat lunch, 30 mins tv if lucky (husband gets an hour in work)
2pm baby up, grocery shop, errands husband asked for, take in laundry. Sweep again!!!!
5pm: collect child, try cook with child under foot and husband home.
7pm feed baby and bed. 30 mins with toddler as screaming for me
8pm post dinner tidY!

So that is after a good sleep...

There is a lot to do at home

strandroad

Another aspect is that when your wife returns to work half of all housework/childcare she's doing at the moment will be yours. You'll be looking back at your current share (play time/reading, lie ins) with sentiment then. You really don't have it that bad at all so you might appreciate it a little more while it lasts and have some understanding for your wife who is basically running the house on her own at the moment.

There is plenty of families where both parents work and fathers do their fair share in the house. You may want to think ahead how you want to split the workload when it happens because judging by this episode it might be a hard transition for you and can cause many conflicts.

iusedtoknow

trio wrote: »

You've got it made. And she's starting to realise that she's the family servant, cos if she doesn't do it? It ain't getting done.
.

So has she though! She gets to have the kid in play school most of the week in the year to allow her time to get things done around the house AND has the husband at the weekend to do the park/reading etc. Granted, the child is at home for the summer, and there has to be some give and take.

The OP on the other hand is out at work, earning the money that pays for the crèche and keeps the wife and them all fed and warm. He was asking for 90 minutes to watch a game. Perhaps, he could have taken the children down to the local and had a couple of beers and watched the game there - could have worked out for everyone then!

I can see both sides of this, and it looks like while the child is at home, then expectations on both sides need to be kept - he pull a bit more weight to allow them all to have a little bit of time to do the things they want to do as well.

MouseTail

iusedtoknow wrote: »

The OP on the other hand is out at work, earning the money that pays for the crèche.....

Just a point of clarity, this sounds like the free ECCE year, so the State is paying the fees, not the OP.

iusedtoknow

MouseTail wrote: »

Just a point of clarity, this sounds like the free ECCE year, so the State is paying the fees, not the OP.

Cheerfully withdrawn if this is the case - but either way, the child is out of the house and out from underneath the mother's feet - which doesn't take away from my point

Ruby31

trio wrote: »

The lie ins at the weekend till 10am would kill me, tbh.

You don't need lie ins till 10am - c'mon, be honest. And I daresay when you eventually do emerge, you spend another good while mooching about having breakfast and drinking coffee and reading the headlines online.

I doubt you spring out of bed and immediately take the child off your wife so she can have a piss without a child gazing up at her from the bathroom mat.

You don't do a tap around the house, you're not home till 7pm at night during the week, and you take it nice and easy enough at the weekends.

You've got it made. And she's starting to realise that she's the family servant, cos if she doesn't do it? It ain't getting done.

Thats what kills stay at home moms. It always gets made into "you're too houseproud" as if the Mom is basically bitching about nothing, or making work for themselves. But when you drill down into the minutiae of managing the day to day **** of a small child and a house, its headwrecking. As someone said above - just knowing that if your husband leaves something on the floor or on the counter its gonna stay there until YOU clean it up. Just knowing that if the kid wakes up in a defiant mood on Saturday morning and you're sick to death of dealing with his moods all week, that nobody is going to help you cos Daddy needs his lie-ins.

That can breed resentment very very fast. You start to feel like even though you signed up to be a stay at home mom, you actually signed up to be a 24/7 servant, and your husband would do less and less year on year, and think he was a great man cos he does basic parenting, and you feel like you have 2 kids now to clean up after and feed, and nobody warned you.

This makes ALOT of sense! Things do definately change during the summer hols so the OP needs to remember this, but I do think his wife has a cushy time of it during school term when the child is in play school for a few hours a day.

osarusan

Was there any reason you didn't/couldn't take the kids to the park after/before the game?

Also, did you know your wife needed the house cleaned before the event, and did she know you wanted to watch the game before the event?

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the responses everyone.

To answer a couple of questions. I felt it was fair for me to sleep in a bit on weekends as my wife has a 2 1/2 hour window everyday when the little fella is asleep in order for her to take a nap herself. That's during the summer. When he's in playschool she has a longer window to herself everyday. I figured that if she's tired, she can nap at the same time as him. I obviously don't have this opportunity. Maybe on reflection though it would be fairer for one of us to sleep in on Saturday morning and the other one Sunday morning.

About recording the match and watching it back, I genuinely don't see the point. As others have pointed out, it's a live event, not a film or something. Only people who are not interested/familiar in sport would suggest that option, to be honest.

There seems to be a division of opinion as to what a fair share is, and I suppose it changes depending on the individual circumstances. 1 thing I would say though, for those people who are saying I definitely don't do enough and I need to help out more - I was thinking what if I were to do a decent bit more, and if we also had a 2nd child (something we are considering). In that situation, if I were to do what some other people seem to regard as a "fair share", then I would literally never get a single minute to myself. Considering how little opportunity I have for hobbies and sport now, if I were to have another child, and do more both with the kids and around the house, there would simply be no time left whatsoever.

So, if any of you people do happen to know any father who has a couple of children and he doesn't have his parents helping out to a large extent, without knowing anything else about his situation, if you see such a father out playing golf, playing 5-a-side football or god forbid, even going for a pint with his friends - then you can safely say without a shadow of a doubt that he is not pulling his weight in the marriage. Sure you could even feel free to approach this person and tell him to go home and pull his weight.

Imagine that, you see a father of 2 children catching up with an old friend with a cup of tea in a coffee shop, and you can definitively say that no matter what other factors are, he isn't doing enough. It makes you wonder about people's priorities.

strandroad

BennyGrif wrote: »

There seems to be a division of opinion as to what a fair share is, and I suppose it changes depending on the individual circumstances. 1 thing I would say though, for those people who are saying I definitely don't do enough and I need to help out more - I was thinking what if I were to do a decent bit more, and if we also had a 2nd child (something we are considering). In that situation, if I were to do what some other people seem to regard as a "fair share", then I would literally never get a single minute to myself. Considering how little opportunity I have for hobbies and sport now, if I were to have another child, and do more both with the kids and around the house, there would simply be no time left whatsoever.

Well is the plan for your wife to return to work? Because if it is, you *will* have to share more of her current duties, whether you have one child or two. It's the reality for most working couples after all, especially with no family support nearby. To be honest on a week night your only task is some play and to read a story... it's nothing. And on a weekend you have a few hours with the child, and an hour grocery shopping, then the rest to yourself. Wait until your wife is back working and everything she now does needs splitting between you two because she won't be at home before 6 or 7 either.

If you find this thought unbearable you should really start to focus on better time management or your crisis will only worsen. It can be worked out if you both want to but you sound awfully defensive about your schedule already, when you have it quite sweet. It doesn't matter that "other fathers" are out and about, they are probably doing their share on another day.

athtrasna

A nap and undisturbed sleep/a lie in are two very different things. Different quality of sleep too. Every family I know does the one morning a weekend thing and it works for them.

Neyite

BennyGrif wrote: »

So, if any of you people do happen to know any father who has a couple of children and he doesn't have his parents helping out to a large extent, without knowing anything else about his situation, if you see such a father out playing golf, playing 5-a-side football or god forbid, even going for a pint with his friends - then you can safely say without a shadow of a doubt that he is not pulling his weight in the marriage. Sure you could even feel free to approach this person and tell him to go home and pull his weight.

Imagine that, you see a father of 2 children catching up with an old friend with a cup of tea in a coffee shop, and you can definitively say that no matter what other factors are, he isn't doing enough. It makes you wonder about people's priorities.

You are coming across as very defensive. Plenty of men pull their weight in the house and have lots of time left over for their hobbies and interests.

My partner and I both work full time, and don't have family nearby to mind our child. In about 3 years, we have had our child minded about 4 times so we get to do a night out together.

He still manages to pull his weight in the house 50%, despite having two evenings a week playing 5-a-side, training and occasional matches with his local team too. And watching pretty much everything that involves a ball on the telly - this week he is glued to the athletics for example. And I get time for my hobby a minimum of one evening a week well as going running three evenings per week. He also brings home his laptop and works Saturday mornings and about 2-3 evenings a week too.

He, and I, are free to arrange any time to go out with our friends for pints if we want, we have family occasions and commitments to travel for from time to time. It can be done, if you are both willing to respect each other, pull together. You are asking your wife to give you some consideration but you aren't willing to give her any consideration in return. So why should she?

bee06

OP, this shouldn't be about what strangers on the internet think is fair or what works for them. You and your wife need to work this out for yourselves in a way that works for your specific family.

December2012

Why did you ask the question if you don't want or appreciate the answers?

If you're feeling hard done by because you have a child then don't have another one. Its not selfish to put your own interests first when considering having another child.

you've assumed a lie in every weekend and think you're entitled to do this because your wife could take one when the child is in play school (even though she's already up and being out and has cleaning or other housework to do, and even though she hasn't had that opportunity at all during summer).

Really, did you just want people to agree with you?

MouseTail

You got a range of responses, some saying you are doing a fair share, others saying you aren't (I'm in the latter camp), you only seemed to listen to those who agreed with your own position. What matters is your wife is not happy with the distribution of work in your family. Perhaps talk of a second child has brought this to the fore of her mind, and the match incident was the catalyst for it to blow. Talk to her, and reach an agreement that works for your family.

LegacyUser

BTW your son isnt in 'Playschool' that is full time minding hours not playschool hours. I think your wife has loads of time to herself. Maybe not in the summer where maybe you should give her a bit of help but definitely during playschool.

I work full time as does my husband and if i was at home i would expect to do all the cooking and cleaning myself, now that can be hard when you have a child under your feet but you just involve them .

Maybe you need to communicate more. She obviously had plans to clean while you had plans to watch the match. Did you both know the others plans?