Help needed please.. depressed

Tyson23

Hi all, im hoping to fine the way forward for me and my girlfriend, more so me.. We've been going out nearly a year now and overall its been great.. i love her alot and i know she loves me alot, i had left to England before we started going out and came back becuse i really wanted to make a go with her.. i am 23 and shes 22

We then decided to have the 'past talk' a good while ago and it cut me more so then her, i had three sexual partners to her one, we only live two towns away so we would know alot of mutual people. ..

she wouldnt know any of my previous encounters( i went out with one for two years and the other two were casual) . We for some reason (mostly my fault) went back on it last week and went into detail which i regret now! We've been having a good enough sex life till lately but i feel like im the one making all the moves and almost telling her what i wanted or what she should do in bed, so i taught it was her past that was affecting her etc.

Why her past effects me so much is because i know of him, they met when she was 19 and he was 34 and the age gap is unreal i think..

Then we got in to details, he use to text her to meet and he'd collect her from her house , shes very upfront and honest but she told me that she'd tell her parents she was going of with a girl friend and they'd go back to his. She lost her virginity to him and the causal meetings continued for a year till she realised he was only using her... I wondered like what positions etc because of it effecting our sex life , and she told me everything from missionary, doggy, her on top etc which hurt ... then came the real hurtful thing was she was just using the pill and no condom and she said he'd usually pull out and cum in her mouth or on her body .. and she onced just went over on her period and give him a bj.. ( like ive never been one to hop into bed without protection )he also was with a girl i know who actually had an STI or two, so should that be cause for concern? !

Maybe im behind times but cumming in ur mouth and bjs are to be shared between two people in love or am i wrong?

what's all so weird is shes an awful quiet girl and a few lads i know had told me before i met her about her supposedly been with him and they were gobsmacked!

And him and her kept it a secret in her words , so he must not of and told everyone ... she told me it was completely wrong in her eyes ( would you agree ?)

And to rub salt in he will be at her workplace once a week from now on.. Ive followed him most days on facebook and noticed he adds these girls around 18 ta 20 all the time and im wrecking my head doing it everyday... we havent been good since and tried making love once since but any position we get into i get flashbacks etc...

My head has been full of taughts since and i got sick the day she told me and have been sick since .. i get down and depressed very easy and have felt sick and down since... do i need professional help or what ?!? I really want to get over this and make us work . Sorry for the long post , thanks in advance im just desperate for help.

Penny Tration

I don't really understand what the problem is with regards to her sexual history.

Blow jobs and swallowing aren't only for people in love! They're part of a normal sex life tbh.

She had one sexual partner to your three. So it's quite hypocritical to be so depressed about her one casual partner when you've had two casual partners!

With regards to the lack of protection - stop having sex until you are both STI tested. She should never have slept with you without being tested after unprotected sex. This part, for me, would have been a deal breaker. it's utterly irresponsible to have sex with you without being tested first (and if you had unprotected sex before her, the same applies to you!).

Tbh, you need to stop talking about your sexual history. Why are you asking her things you know you won't like the answers to?

You seem to have a very old fashioned and somewhat odd outlook on sex.

The fact that you seem flabbergasted by the positions (missionary, doggy, her on top) kind of makes me wonder what exactly you do together. Also the fact that you think that cumming in mouth and blowjobs is only someone in love should do is.. kinda .. dunno. It's your belief and I guess should respected, but if everyone thought this, then it would make sex kind of .. well .. boring.

Regarding the girl who supposedly has an STI. Does she actually have some or are these rumours that are sometimes spread around small towns? If she definitely does have one and this guy had sex with her, then had sex with your girlfriend without protection, then I would advise you to get an STI check. It's the quickest way to see whether it's true or not.

what's all so weird is shes an awful quiet girl and a few lads i no had told me before i met her about her supposedly been with him and they were gobsmacked! And they kept it a secret in her words , so he must not of and told everyone ... she told me it was completely wrong in her eyes ( would you agree ?) And to rub salt in he will be at her workplace once a week from now on.. Ive followed him most days on facebook and noticd he adds these girls around 18 ta 20 all the time and im wrecking my head doing it everyday... we havent been good since and tried making love once since but any position we get into i get flashbacks etc...

What is he doing at her workplace, if you don't mind my asking? It feels like you've created an obsession with this guy and is going to start becoming very damaging for you. You follow him on Facebook most days. I'm sorry to say, but that is kinda creepy ... He doesn't sound like a Prince Charming, but you actually sound a bit like a stalker.

My head has been full of taughts since and i got sick the day she told me and have been sick since .. i get down and depressed very easy and have felt sick and down since... do i need professional help or what ?!? I really want to get over this and make us work . Sorry for the long post , thanks in advance im just desperate for help.

Do you need professional help? Maybe. But mainly for other reasons as opposed to the ones going on. You seem like someone that becomes obsessive over something way too much and lets it override everything else in your life. It also feels like you have a lot of growing to do, because you let what you've been told affect you so badly. You got sick, because she told you she was with someone a few years her elder?

She also seems like she needs a lot of growing to do, because that was a lot of needless detail that she went into .., though it does depend on how much you pushed for answers.

zeffabelli

These conversations never lead anywhere good.

You bit the forbidden fruit, now you have burdened knowledge and now you are obsessing over something you can't change.

People apply different meanings to these things and no people are not always in love when they have sex or oral sex or whatever.

The meaning changes anyway, it means something different with you but you are making such a big ****ing stink about it she's going to be a shamefull wreck and think you are judging her left right and centre.

You have to sober up from this.

Why she shared so much info was a mistake.

But NOW you have to make a choice about what you let under your skin, this is all in your control whether you let it control you or not. Because does it really matter?

daisybelle2008

Tyson23 wrote: »

We then decided to have the 'past talk' a good while ago and it cut me more so then her, i had three sexual partners to her one......I wondered like what positions etc because of it effecting our sex life , and she told me everything from missionary, doggy, her on top etc which hurt

My head has been full of taughts since and i got sick the day she told me and have been sick since .. i get down and depressed very easy and have felt sick and down since... do i need professional help or what ?!?

Yeah OP you definitely need professional help, you are far to immature to be in an adult relationship. It is frankly weird and disturbing that you would interrogate your girlfriend about specifics of sexual positions from her past.

And stalking her ex on Facebook very creepy and odd. She hasn't much experience and maybe does not no better than to entertain your weird obsession with her past sex life and to tell you to mind your own business.
Nothing any woman would tell you would satisfy you, you would dig and obsess over every detail. Seek out help.

LegacyUser

To say the OP needs professional help is way over the top in my opinion,if not somewhat dramatic. They are a young couple and thinking back to my early twenties to how I am now is like chalk and cheese.

OP, my best advice is to open your mind and let the past be the past. It's a learning curve and it comes with experience through relationships. I do however think you both need to be tested for sti's just to be on the safe side.
Without communication with your partner your relationship is doomed so sit her down and try and discuss what you can do to spice up your own sex instead of focusing on something that happened in the past.

lazybones32

Don't mind the preachers who tell you how wrong you are for being upset about this but you need to know what troubles you and why.

You told us what she did but never told us why it troubles you? Are you in shock because someone is vastly different to what you thought/expected her to be? Whatever the reason, it's solely your issue. Professional help shouldn't be necessary unless you are seriously obsessing about it to the point that normal activities are effected for a medium-term amount of time.

What urged you to have the talk in the first place and more importantly, why did you feel the need to revisit the topic?

Tyson23

[Deleted User] wrote: »

You seem to have a very old fashioned and somewhat odd outlook on sex.

The fact that you seem flabbergasted by the positions (missionary, doggy, her on top) kind of makes me wonder what exactly you do together. Also the fact that you think that cumming in mouth and blowjobs is only someone in love should do is.. kinda .. dunno. It's your belief and I guess should respected, but if everyone thought this, then it would make sex kind of .. well .. boring.

Regarding the girl who supposedly has an STI. Does she actually have some or are these rumours that are sometimes spread around small towns? If she definitely does have one and this guy had sex with her, then had sex with your girlfriend without protection, then I would advise you to get an STI check. It's the quickest way to see whether it's true or not.



What is he doing at her workplace, if you don't mind my asking? It feels like you've created an obsession with this guy and is going to start becoming very damaging for you. You follow him on Facebook most days. I'm sorry to say, but that is kinda creepy ... He doesn't sound like a Prince Charming, but you actually sound a bit like a stalker.



Do you need professional help? Maybe. But mainly for other reasons as opposed to the ones going on. You seem like someone that becomes obsessive over something way too much and lets it override everything else in your life. It also feels like you have a lot of growing to do, because you let what you've been told affect you so badly. You got sick, because she told you she was with someone a few years her elder?

She also seems like she needs a lot of growing to do, because that was a lot of needless detail that she went into .., though it does depend on how much you pushed for answers.

I honestly see were you are coming from, i know I'm out of order on near everything. But i cant seem to fine a waypast it at all sadly...
He'll be doing a few hours there and shes told they wont be interacting with another , yet i think she's just trying to make me feel comfortable..

Re: the STI girl im 100 per cent sure she did yes, but how to i say this to my girlfriend? ?

Tyson23

lazybones32 wrote: »

Don't mind the preachers who tell you how wrong you are for being upset about this but you need to know what troubles you and why.

You told us what she did but never told us why it troubles you? Are you in shock because someone is vastly different to what you thought/expected her to be? Whatever the reason, it's solely your issue. Professional help shouldn't be necessary unless you are seriously obsessing about it to the point that normal activities are effected for a medium-term amount of time.

What urged you to have the talk in the first place and more importantly, why did you feel the need to revisit the topic?

Yes in a way , shes known to be very quiet and reserved. . This is what attracted me to her i guess, and im just shocked really.. because when i compare us to him , like she would say no not tonight to certain things or im to tired etc... but i feel she had no problem with him... why though? Was he controlling because of age difference? And i guess that's why we revisited it.

zeffabelli

Tyson23 wrote: »

Yes in a way , shes known to be very quiet and reserved. . This is what attracted me to her i guess, and im just shocked really.. because when i compare us to him , like she would say no not tonight to certain things or im to tired etc... but i feel she had no problem with him... why though? Was he controlling because of age difference? And i guess that's why we revisited it.

The worst thing you can start doing is comparing.

Just stop or it will be your downfall.

kylith

OP, you need to put this behind you. You don't know how many times she turned him down because she wasn't in the mood. You've built this up in your mind to be some swinging from the lampshade shagathon when it was probably anything but. Are you feeling insecure because he was more experienced than you?

How would you feel if your GF interrogated you about your previous sexual partners, of which you have more than she does, and wanted a blow-by-blow of who did what to whom when and in what position? And judged you accordingly?

Going forward through life you will date women who have had many, many more sexual partners than your current GF has had and if you can't get over it then your only option will be to swear off women for life. If you can't get past this woman's sexual past then do the decent thing and break up with her, and learn from your mistake: the past partners discussion is never a good idea.

irishdude11

Your gf had a bf before you. Is that what you are so upset about? Because that's all this situation is. And you must have been with some very reserved people in the past because the various sexual acts between them that you mentioned are completely bog standard run of the mill stuff.

If you don't like hearing what gfs did with past bfs don't bring it up in future. I never understand why people bring stuff like this up, why would you even want to know about someone's past sexual interactions. And your gf only had one past bf. As you go through life on average women will have had numerous partners before they were with you so if one previous bf is such a problem I don't know how you are going to deal with women in a few years time.

Tyson23

Thanks for all the replies, they were very helpful. .
I guess I've just got learn to live with it, but when i see this person or of him it does really annoy me like... any advice on how to deal with this?!

How do i go about asking my gf or even saying it to her in a kind way about getting STI checked?

Anyone with last ditched advice to completely get over this and try and work/spice up our sex life without looking to demanding please?

zeffabelli

Tyson23 wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, they were very helpful. .
I guess I've just got learn to live with it, but when i see this person or of him it does really annoy me like... any advice on how to deal with this?!

How do i go about asking my gf or even saying it to her in a kind way about getting STI checked?

Anyone with last ditched advice to completely get over this and try and work/spice up our sex life without looking to demanding please?

Well given that you made such a big stink about her past, there is no way you can do this now without her hearing you calling her an irresponsible slut.

If you hadn't made such an irreperable immature big stink about it you could ask, but now asking is loaded with subtext....so I am at a loss to how you can do this without being a dick.

Conor Bourke

Tyson23 wrote: »

Yes in a way , shes known to be very quiet and reserved. . This is what attracted me to her i guess, and im just shocked really.. because when i compare us to him , like she would say no not tonight to certain things or im to tired etc... but i feel she had no problem with him... why though? Was he controlling because of age difference? And i guess that's why we revisited it.

Would I be right to think that you had her on a pedestal of sorts? You thought she was pure and wonderful and you felt special because you were with her but now that you know she was with someone else, you don't feel special any more. You feel threatened, you think because he was older he was "better" than you somehow. Or you think if she went with him she'll go with anyone? Which makes you look bad?


It's a huge indication of your emotional immaturity that you can't accept that this girl has a past. Your problem isn't with him, it's with yourself and you are projecting it onto her. You should strongly consider working on your self esteem because if this relationship ends (be it over this issue or anything else) the same difficulties will consume you in every other relationship you enter into for the rest of your life. You're young. Don't waste your youth being self destructive, eaten up inside.

I wish you luck.

I'm not asking for medical advice as such, but if he and his girlfriend have been having sex without protection, she had sex with this guy without, and he had sex with this girl who seemingly had STIs without, then would it be reasonable to say that if he were to get an STI test, it would be a good sign as to whether his GF should too?

Keane2baMused

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I'm not asking for medical advice as such, but if he and his girlfriend have been having sex without protection, she had sex with this guy without, and he had sex with this girl who seemingly had STIs without, then would it be reasonable to say that if he were to get an STI test, it would be a good sign as to whether his GF should too?

He could but it's not a full indication that she is definitely sti free!

OP I suggest you say to your girlfriend that you've never gotten an STI test and you're thinking of going along for one and you were wondering would she go with you and do the same? So you both know you've a clean bill of health.

If she has a rational head she shouldn't take offence.