Quite Tired Of My Life Lately

zcorpian88

Quite tired of my life lately, I literally can’t remember the last time something good happened, and anything good that does happen it is either corrupted or there is a flaw or problem with it which voids whatever good that is in it.

For example I spent the bones of two years with a girl I adored and her work ethic and personal problems killed the relationship, over the first year we got heavily invested in each other even when I was cautious about her academic background but she somewhat assured me that that doesn’t affect her relationships and she didn’t really mind my own background which isn’t as privileged as her own she loved me for who I was and so on and things went well, we got on well, never had a serious row.

I’ll also highlight that she was adopted as a child by two awesome parents, her biological family are fairly problematic and she met them as a teenager and hasn’t got much of a relationship with them and doesn’t like them in general, a bit rough around the edges.

In the beginning we got heavily invested in each other, doted on each other and got really close, it was great but here and there she said she didn’t want children in this jokey way like any 20 something year old would say because we were young and stuff and naturally both of us laughed at the thought, I think oh sure it’ll be on the table for later and the relationship continued as normal and fun was had etc.

She spent most of the second year of our relationship mentioning here and there and more so that she doesn’t want children and I was seeing a big problem with the way she thinks of herself and what her future should be and using every excuse under the sun to escape selfishly from passing on her/our legacy, values, ways, wealth you know the drill. I made every compromise and sacrifice and went over and beyond to make our relationship work, spent hours and hours travelling in order to see her, spent ridiculous amounts of money on presents to dote on and spoil her with, went on her holidays which were her choice, but I went to keep her happy even when the location is rainier than Ireland, bought tickets for comedy shows that she wanted to go to, even turned down a job in the middle of a recession because it would interfere with my being able to see her and I haven’t had a job offer since.
Did it all because I loved her and had a vision of a great future where she would be integral and at the heart of it.


Her selfish self centred behaviour has essentially made me hate everyone and everything since I had to end it, I now hate seeing happy couples that can have everything and more work out for them, but never me of course and I being more way more loyal and committed than most, all I wanted was the relationship to work, to have a future and for us to enjoy and all the in between. Her work ethic couldn’t just let up, like what kind of girlfriend just doesn’t come down to see her boyfriend on his birthday? I having to show up to my own birthday get together in front of all my friends and their partners came out, yet the person who is out marking their day and his own girlfriend wouldn’t come along and would rather sit at home in front of a laptop leaving her boyfriend who she is meant to love, is sitting in a pub sulking and trying to hide how miserable he is without her there and how unappreciated and disrespected he feels.

I told the majority of my friend circle that the girlfriend “couldn’t” come down because she’s tied to the laptop with some colleague in America and it’s been like this for the better part of a month and she won’t take a break. My friends all giving me pity expressions the whole night because they know how close I am with her and they knew well I wanted her there, they pretty much read me like a book and how disappointed I was with her not being there for me when I would be there for her in a heartbeat.

To me there is nothing worse than a person who doesn’t know how to live, doesn’t know how to enjoy themselves, to enjoy the little moments and not spend their entire lives working and ignoring what’s around them, ignoring the people that care about them, and rather than appreciating your companion, you push them away.

I put so much effort into the relationship, she never wanted for anything, listened to her in all her down moments, helped her feel better about all her work problems, made her feel better about her self loathing problems related to her biological mother and her relatively minor health problems and still I get pushed away in the end.

I go up there the following week after her missing my birthday, still disappointed at what she did but confident that she will make it up to me and spend the weekend with me and spend less time working, it was due because the work is just relentless. They don’t know when to stop with it, I don’t care if it’s a PhD, I think people are entitled to their lives regardless of what they do and these academics are robbing us of our relationship, it’s a long distance relationship so I wanted to make the best of the time we had and these academics step in and steal that from us.

I arrive up there and it’s pretty much the same story, I get treated in a very cold manner like I wasn’t even wanted up there. Laptop is constantly on, would barely look at me, didn’t even acknowledge that she missed my birthday the previous week or provide any intimacy or even an apology for not being there. All in all, my feelings over the weekend were hurt, anger, disappointment, frustration and this triggers what I want out of it long term as well as short term. I wasn’t even getting what I wanted out of it short term because her work ethic is plaguing any progress with that, and her personal problems/over analytical thoughts are plaguing what was wanted in the long term and I’m going to get into that now.


In her down moments she used to talk about her biological mother who she met as a teenager and the fact she was somewhat the town slut and had a history of drug problems and she was essentially ashamed of her and has said in many forms that she is ashamed of herself and doesn’t like herself which was a job and a half to make her feel better but I always did my best this also I believe is the very reason she doesn’t want children of her own, therefore being completely unfair to what I want, I wanted our kids to have the best of her and the best of me both physically, emotionally and genetically, her biological mother has no part in it in my eyes as far as I’m concerned, to me she doesn’t exist and had no role in our lives whatsoever going by what I knew of her. I was also thinking about her adoptive parents who are into their 60’s and I know for a fact her mother wants to see a grandchild at some point but I knew I didn’t want children any time soon but yes I was thinking about them also and they are getting on in years, they are like 10-15 years older than my own parents and naturally they aren’t going to be around forever and it would be nice to give them a bit of happiness in the last 1-3 decades they might have left, you never know what will befall you, so naturally I’m thinking of the relationships progression and what does the future have.

She did throw an excuse at me that academics were more prone to giving birth to autistic children which I believe is a load of rubbish but I kept quiet about it really because I didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship, even if that is what she really believes that and there was no shame aspect in regard to her biological mother which I am positive there is, (going by how often she was brought up when she was giving out about herself, there was a lot of self loathing there if you get me) Anyway in regard to the academics birthing autistic children thing I didn’t want anything that she reads too much into to interfere with what I imagined any couple that were invested in each other to want for their future. In the end I had faith in her/our abilities for us to one day have a family way down the line, as long as we were both happy but all this stuff just had to get in the way. I didn’t want outside influences controlling our relationship, I believe we have the right to do whatever we want and to hell with everyone else, I wanted to take back some control and give the relationship what it should have.

So back to my last weekend with her, I sit there on the couch while she is there button mashing, and she’s not even watching the movie I brought up, not even any cuddling out of her, too stuck into the work. I’m sitting there wanting some intimacy with the girl I love after waiting over a week to come see her and she’s pushing me away, then I wait till she puts the laptop down and I try again, and again, nothing. Then I’m there just thinking “F**k sake, why did I come up here for??” It’s not like I can just turn my heels and go home, I’m 5 hours away from home, it’s 11pm on a Saturday night, I’d like some quality time with my girlfriend and I wanted the outside world to f**k off so we can enjoy ourselves, it’s probably the worst thing about the internet, the fact that it brings people closer together and it has it’s disadvantages for example people in different time zones, she was working with a colleague in America, so there is a time difference, in other words, she’s on the laptop till all hours of the night and with her there is just all work and no play. It’s constant work and she is boring her boyfriend to death. For a couple that is in their mid 20’s, it’s no way to go on, was starting to feel like her acquaintance and not her boyfriend, I sure as hell won’t pay a bus driver these rip off fares to sit on someone’s couch and be essentially ignored all weekend after her deliberately missing my birthday the week before in order to do the same stuff, if the tables were turned I know she wouldn’t put up with it either so why should I?

This continued into the next day and another night of me watching DVD’s while she was too busy to look in my direction, and I’m there trying to hold my tongue because I was in her parent’s house, so I think the guest shouldn’t start an argument even if I feel I’m totally right but you shouldn’t feel like you’re in someone’s shadow, and feel like you’re not important enough so you’re put on the long finger and she’ll spend time with you when she feels like it, what kind of relationship is that? Doesn’t sound functional to me.

I was sitting there Sunday night just boiling over from that night, Saturday night and the night before and being mad at her for not even obliging and put the laptop away and talk to me, look in my direction, show a bit of appreciation for the person she let down last week, but no, nothing. She goes off to bed at 11:30 leaving me to entertain myself like she did at the same time the night before, I mean going to bed at 11:30 on a Saturday, we’re 24/25 years old, where did her fun side go?

Also I'm probably going to sound like a p***k here but I think some guys would agree if not all, I was sort of expecting birthday sex, and I’d like to think it’s “bigtime” birthday sex since she failed to show on my birthday, but no, I initiated sex at least 3 times during the weekend and she wasn’t bothered leading me to feel even more pissed off. No quality time, not looking in my direction and working round the clock for the last few weeks, no apology for missing my birthday, not making it up in any way, shape or form, no intimacy and no sex.

I don’t know what anyone else would think but I was starting to see my relationship was starting to feel like a joke where I’m pulling my weight and bending over backwards, compromising and sacrificing and only to get nothing back out of it, and I couldn’t believe this was happening to me where the person I love and respected to the moon and back was disrespecting me that much and not valuing my company or presence whatsoever and had no regard for my feelings. This in turn triggered what I wanted out of it in the long term which I couldn’t address with her because of her issues which was having the option of a family one day.

I didn’t get much sleep Sunday night, her being beside me in bed and I’m not sure where it’s going and I didn’t want to end it, but all these short term things that I was mad about mounted up and it’s just poking this long term thing that’s been at me for months too and I felt my hand is being forced to do it. By Monday I was completely burned out and while she was out collecting data for a publication she was working on, I tearfully wrote a break up note, it didn’t really say anything about children but it did say I felt there was no room for me in her life with all her work taking over what little time I’m there and I packed my stuff, locked up her house, stuck the key in the letterbox and walked to the nearest main road, vomited on the side of the road and thumbed a lift into town to catch a train home. (I would spend the next 9 months beating myself everyday for doing it in a note so try not to judge me, I think I’ve paid of it from loss of sleep alone, not to mention appetite, sanity and turning into a recluse for a while.)


The worst phone call ever came later and she was in tears, I was in tears and we tried to fix the work thing but I cracked in the end and just said outright that this thing about her not wanting kids is killing me because I want a family some day and I can’t understand why she doesn’t because she is so good with children, we babysat 2 kids and it was great like and anytime she mentioned not wanting them that I kept quiet, putting it to the back of my mind and trying to keep this glass is half full attitude about it and think she’ll change her mind in time, but how could I rely on that if I kept going with the relationship and keeping my fingers crossed that she’d one day change her mind, she’s one of those types that once her mind is made up, that’s it, there isn’t any changing it. I didn’t want to leave her, it’s not even my style to begin with to call it quits.

It ruined my Christmas last year, and I love Christmas, it is the first Christmas I literally couldn’t wait to chuck out the tree after it was put up, I wasn’t bothered about decorating it, usually I’m first in line to do it, Christmas 2014 wasn’t Christmas at all, I was wandering around town in a depressed daze buying presents for family, not giving a f**k about the entire holiday and just wanting it to be over and having to look at things in shops that reminded me of her and I knew she would have loved whatever I saw and I’d have loved seeing her open that and being delighted then immediately getting depressed and wanting to go home and just sleep because it was the only escape I had from thinking about it all, even that was hit and miss as sometimes I have dreams with her in them, I still have the odd dream where she’s in it.

If anything I thought she would call it a day quicker than I ever would if I slipped up which I wouldn’t have, if she was to ever call it quits I think it would have been to do with her getting her PhD and having to go abroad if she couldn’t get what she wanted here, that might have happened down the road, but she was dead set on doing everything in her power to live and work here and not be forced out through emigration, she is a homebird.

For the last few months since I broke up with her, I finished it in November I’ve been spiraling up and down and thinking about her pretty much every day, I did send her somewhat of a bitter text in March when I found she had a personal advert up on Craigslist which was the exact same way I found her while I was looking around for work, I was disgusted she was looking for someone the same way so I couldn’t help myself. I later apologized for it and explained that losing her was the worst thing that’s happened to me, and I wanted to protect what I valued and hold onto her, and that I didn’t want to end it but l had no choice because I can’t make the relationship take the direction I want it to take because of our differences and I just wanted her to be a part of my life for the long term and when I was up, her working around the clock just really got to me, because I’m one for valuing our time, she should have understood how much effort it took for me to get to see her and the short time I’m around before I have to go back and her working around the clock makes the journey on my end seem like a gigantic waste and after her missing my birthday as well because of the same thing, it was pretty upsetting alone and then I start agonizingly re-evaluating where it was going and I walked out because I couldn’t even look her in the eye I loved her that much. I do feel like a chickens**t for doing it that way but I was just destroyed between not feeling respected, valued or appreciated and on top of that I felt she was depriving the relationship of what should be typical and normal which included fun, intimacy, companionship and a future I can see happening.


For the last few months I’ve been trying to get my life back on track, I was on an internship around the time I met her, but that ended and they weren’t in the position to keep me on and all of my days are now spent trawling the web looking for work, I’m successful at getting interviews but it’s always followed up with a rejection letter which destroys what’s left of my confidence and self esteem after thinking the interview went well and I’ll spiral back thinking of the last few months of recovering after the break up.


I was on a date back in April, this girl is a friend of my cousins girlfriend, I wondered was she my type, a little rough around the edges, sporty girl, likes football, Chelsea supporter, likes camogie and rugby too, thin girl and has a nice figure but doesn’t really show it off and dresses like skanger I’m sorry to say, she hides quite a nice figure with bloody tracksuits most of the time. I’m not really into sport or sporty women in general but I went out with her because I was sick of being alone and I was pretty isolated at home for a while, except for going out for the few drinks with friends the odd week. Anyway I went out with the girl, had an ok night, even got the shift, she had smoked just before it, spoiled it for me because I never smoked and I didn’t really get the spark that’d I’d normally feel when I’d get the shift, first time that’s ever happened, I don’t get that lucky often you see, so normally I’m buzzed after getting the shift, this time I just wasn’t and I kind of felt like I was broken or there was something wrong with me. Probably because I was still hung up on my ex and that I didn’t let enough time go by or something. I still had a good night but if I’m not feeling it, it’s for a reason, I know she had a good night, she found me to be funny and full of chat and stuff and I brought her back to where she was staying.


Hung out with her twice more after that and on the last time we hung out, we were in a clothes shop with her older sister and her kid (a 2 year old boy) they were doing some shopping for a wedding. And my date who I was already unsure of did something that made me jump ship straight away to be honest, we were in the clothes shop and my date says to her 2 year old nephew “Say bastard, say bastard to mammy” I’m standing there thinking “Wtf you are encouraging your toddler nephew to swear!” I was almost looking for an excuse to leave after that but I stuck around for another hour, haven’t hung out with her since really, she drops me a text sometimes but I’m not really interested to be honest, she’s messed up over an ex herself, her last one a was part time drug dealer/lives in the bookies type who abused the hell out of her so I don’t think she is even ready to be with anyone, she spilled the story to me before I even said anything about my ex, she wanted to know about mine, I was reluctant to say but she wanted to know so I said it which she was blown away by.

Anyway my life for 2015 has heavily consisted of sulking with loneliness and not having the happiness and the girl I once had, hunting for jobs, gaining the odd interview here and there, being rejected by them in turn making me spiral into this frustrated anger against these monotone voiced HR/management types who won’t find it in them to give me a job so I can get my life together in some way so I’ll finally have some self respect back, some money in my pocket and I can get my mind off my personal woes and general bulls**t that I’ve had to sift through and wallow in since dumping my last girlfriend. So sick of the knock backs and I just want something new and a fresh start, not that I want to sound like an entitled wanker, but after the last few months of hell I think I deserve at least that.

Penny Tration

That was a very long read!


I'll be honest, there's not an awful lot I can say.

I've seen you post at length about this woman over the last several months, so it's obviously eating you up.

The relationship wasn't working. She spent no time with you. The issue of kids - you can't convince someone to want kids. It's a personal choice, and in a long term relationship, it's usually a make or break decision when both parties have different views. She's absolutely within her rights not to want children, as are you in wanting them.

Tbh mate, I think the best thing you could do now is go speak to your GP. nine months on, you should be feeling better, but you still post about this lady a lot and seem utterly miserable. Sounds like you could do with some counselling, an outlet for you to speak about how you're feeling and be taught some coping mechanisms.

kimeister

You will never have a healthy relationship until you realise that women don't "owe" you anything and learn to like yourself.

You sound really needy, entitled and messed up. Please consider going to see a therapist to work through the problems you are having with professional, qualified help.

No one is under obligation to want or have kids. She made it clear she didn't want them and you strung the relationship along convinced that because you wanted them you could make her change her mind.
That's not the basis of a relationship. That's not respecting her or her opinions or her choices in life, and I would say the same in the reverse situation. It's not pleasant, it's not something you want to break up an otherwise good relationship over, but the view you seem to have of her just for not wanting them - I don't know if it's an overall bitterness view as it didn't work out and given the attention issues or what.

You're entitled to want them - she's entitled to not - it doesn't mean she had "notions of herself" or anything else.

It's been months. Talk to a professional. I mean that sincerely. You need to get it off your chest and talk to someone trained in giving you tools to cope with it and move on.

Taltos

Mod Note:
OP as others have called out and flagged via reported posts, this is your third issue on this and instead of moving towards resolution I am seeing some warning signs here that lead me to believe that allowing yet another thread on this will just do you a disservice.

Please make an appointment immediately with your GP and get them to refer you to a professional to talk to. The level of bitterness and blame you are carrying around is not good for you and at this stage, NINE months later, you clearly would benefit from talking to someone who is qualified to guide you through the emotions you are feeling and in learning how to manage them beneficially.

Thread closed - do not open another one on this topic or on your EX.