Break up / Long distance Relationship?

LegacyUser

Just trying to figure things out. Hopefully writing things out and getting some outside perspective on things might help.

First things first. I'm 37, she's 38. We've been going out for a little over 10 years. Don't live together, not engaged and no children (although I have a 15 year old from a previous relationship). Until 2 months ago, we both lived in D., which is where I'm from.

About 2 months ago, she got a transfer to C. which is close enough to her home town (about 20 min drive). She had been on her company's transfer list for the last 13 years, or so, which was before I met her. She was told she was moving on Friday, and expected down there for the following Monday week (about 10 days later)

Things have got more difficult since then. She moved because she wants to be close to her family. She keeps on asking me when I am moving down, and why I haven't started applying for jobs. Everytime I say that I will, but that I have to sort things out in D first. After all, I have my daughter, I'm currently doing a degree (about to start 3rd year of a 4 year course), and I am working full time, in a job that I love and that have helped me pay for college, and further training (if I leave, I have to pay them back for the 3 years they have paid).

Late last year, we broke up for a few weeks, because of issues we were having. It had started to feel rather like a friendship, where we would spend all our time together, but there was not romance between us (not from lack of trying on my part).

We got back together, but things have been somewhat strained between us. I had been planning on sitting down with her in June to discuss where we were going, and what the future meant. However, when her move came, she automatically assumed that I would immediately give my job, life, and daughter to move with her.

At this stage, I've got a number choices:
1) Move down to C and hope things get better.
2) Stay in D and have a long term relationship for at least the next two years, but probably longer
3) Break up.

I'm beginning to think that the breakup would be the lesser of the 3 choices. Option 1 would mean that I have to give up my daughter, job, and all my family, friends, etc. Option 2 would mean that I will be in a long term relationship for the next few years. Option 3 also seems distasteful, but looks like the best option.

Was wondering if anybody has some outside perspective that they could offer? Any suggestions would be gratefully accepted.

Sorry about the long winded post

LegacyUser

Op that's a tough one but i think it's looking like option 3 or option 2

You have a daughter so you have priorities to stay close for her for the next few years.
You are going into year 3 of a four year degree, you are in a job you love (not many people can say that) so I think you need to stay close to home for the next couple of years.
In the ten years you've been together have you never lived together ?

Sound Bite

Just wondering because you don't mention it at all.....are you in love with her? Can you imagine life without her?

stove

Hi OP, I am new to the site and not sure if it is possible to edit a post after it goes up.

Might be an idea to remove references to location etc asap. Just seems confidentiality might be at risk given the amount of information provided. Just a thought I had when reading.

Augme

Break-up with her. Given the previous struggles with lack of romance I wouldn't give up my current life and take a risk that the same thing won't happen again.

LegacyUser

Sound Bite wrote: »

Just wondering because you don't mention it at all.....are you in love with her? Can you imagine life without her?

This was a question I was asking myself this evening, as she left my house, after the weekend. As she drove away in the car, I felt strangely elated and happy that she was gone, and that the feelings of being two old friends trying to get on would be over for another weekend.

Terrible way to feel and symptomatic of our relationship, I think

LegacyUser

Sound Bite wrote: »

Just wondering because you don't mention it at all.....are you in love with her? Can you imagine life without her?

This is one of the questions I have been asking myself recently.

The reason I posted this evening was that I got a strange sense of relief and elation as she drove off down the road this evening. She drove up for the weekend. The weekend felt like we were two old friends who decided to go away for a few days together, and realised we'd both changed considerably. We both tried to make the best of it.

Terrible way to feel, and it is difficult thing to do to anybody, especially when I get the feeling that she is more into the relationship than I am.

vertmann

May I ask why you never moved in together despite being an item for 10 years?
I think you would be taking a massive risk seeing as you've already broken up and the relationship is strained.

orthsquel

UnsureUser12345 wrote: »

She had been on her company's transfer list for the last 13 years, or so, which was before I met her.

This move, relocation to be close to her family has always been on the cards so. At the time she probably didn't envisage a long term relationship happening in the mean time. And it probably looked like the move was never going to happen, it seems to have been accepted as such and taken for granted that it wouldn't. Did you ever discuss what would happen if it did? Reality has hit and that she has moved... with as you say, the assumption you are moving too. But it sounds like your individual and your joint life plans were never discussed other than maybe what ifs.

I think ye need to have a very long discussion and talk about if you both still want to be in a relationship and what each of you want in life, and what your life plans are.

I think the long distance relationship would be only kicking the can down the road while you finish your course. You will still face the same issue of what then, do you move or call it quits? What if you do and can move, what about your daughter? That might be simple or complicated depending on your personal circumstances whether you are sole guardian or joint guardian/co-parent and what stage your child is at and what is next for them going into adulthood.

I don't think moving would be wise either unless you have everything set up for yourself and everything sorted, job, place to live, your child. But do you actually want to move? And you'd have to ask yourself what sort of environment are you moving to, a city/town/village or rural area, what sort of distances would be involved assuming you are not moving in together for you to maintain a relationship relative to where you are working, is it what you would want for yourself or are you happy if not happier where you are as opposed to where you could be?

There are practical obstacles that can be over come - ok so if you moved and quit your job you'd owe money back to the company, ok you'd have to depending on your circumstances make arrangements for your daughter should she also be moving with you... they're not impossible to get around or get over but it will take planning and some organising and that will not be done overnight or without great consideration.

It seems to me that your heart isn't in it, in the relationship, from what you have said in later posts. You really need to ask yourself if this is really the case, investigate it with yourself and be upfront about it. There is no point staying in a relationship out of habit or familiarity or in being fearful of being alone. Nor, either just to keep someone else happy or prevent someone else getting hurt.