Visited a prostitute and dont know why

worried15

I am in a committed and loving relationship, but for some reason last week after a night out with work colleagues instead of going home i went to another bar, had more drinks then looked up a number for a prostitute and paid her a visit.

For over a week now I've been completely in shock at this, that's not who I am, I've never done something like this before and am terrified for several reasons, one if I caught anything (i only got oral from her using a condom) and two if any of my family or my girlfriend were to find out.

I've been asking myself now how could I possibly have decided to do this, I am blaming the drink though I suspect a huge backlash for that from people here.

I'm trying to understand why, literally the word why keeps popping into my head, why did I do this, its not me, its never something i would have even considered.

Anyone any thoughts? Kind or mean please reply, because i really am so ashamed of myself, i don't recognize that person i became that night.

Wibbs

This forum would be a better fit for your question Worried15(moved from Gentleman's Club)

It wasn't the alcohol that made you do it. If you were drunk enough for your senses to be dulled and pretty much nonexistent, you wouldn't have been able to look up a prostitute, call her number, go visit her, and go through with the whole thing. Plus the fact that you remember it is also telling.

So don't blame the alcohol. It was yourself. At least admit it.

Penny Tration

Like boneyarsebogman said, you were sober enough to go find a phone number, make a call and follow through, so you can't really blame the drink.

With regards to the rest - look, we've all done crappy things and we've all made mistakes.

What matters now is how you move forward. First things first, STI testing. Chances of you catching anything with a condom being used are small, but you have to be sure.

Onto the harder part - your girlfriend. She deserves the truth. You don't have to tell her it was a prostitute, although I believe she deserves the full truth from you.

She deserves to know exactly what's gone on, to allow her to make a decision to help her.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, I really am. But it's time to step up and face the consequences.

newacc2015

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It wasn't the alcohol that made you do it. If you were drunk enough for your senses to be dulled and pretty much nonexistent, you wouldn't have been able to look up a prostitute, call her number, go visit her, and go through with the whole thing. Plus the fact that you remember it is also telling.

So don't blame the alcohol. It was yourself. At least admit it.

Alcohol affects us all differently. I have never blacked out and I have been pretty drunk before. It only takes a few drinks to dull impairment.

Why people go to prostitutes is a weird one to call. Some people go to do fetish things, their significant other refuses to do. For other paying for sex is part of the thrill. Even for someone someone elses companionship and not sex is what the client wants.

OP if you think it's a one time thing. I would write it off as a bad judgement call and not be too eaten up about it. People make mistakes. Maybe you should consider is there something lacking in your relationship? Should you go to couples therapy. Personally I wouldnt tell your SO, as there is nothing but hurt to be gained from doing so

LegacyUser

Under no circumstances tell your gf what you did. Nothing good will come out of it.

Sound Bite

Do you really not know why you did this or are you in denial?

Are you happy with your current sex life?
Are you bored with life in general, crave excitement?
Do you feel old or undesirable?

There's obviously a reason, start with what was on your mind when you made the decision.

Augme

While the drink did play a part in it you also made a conscious decision to do it. I can understand why someone can another person - heat of the moment/can happen in a few seconds type of thing but to ring a prostitute and then to visit her place would occur over a much longer duration so the fact you decided to do this and not back out of it says a lot. As Sound Bite mentions, there's obviously a reason. You need to figure it out yourself and do some honest soul searching.

alias06

You did something you regret. Happens to people all the time. Here it seems you did something awful and out of character for you and you feel sickened by your own behaviour. The lesson is cheating and using prostitutes is always going to make you feel terrible about yourself. Don't ever do that again. If you think drink is going to be a factor in triggering something like this again, then consider giving up drink.

sabat

You visited the hooker for the same reason you went along to another bar-looking for some action. You went looking for some action because you're bored. You're bored because your relationship is boring.

in a committed and loving relationship

When a man spouts fatuous phrases like this you just know the jig is up.

worried15

I appreciate the messages you've all written so far. Ill try answer everything in one post.

I plan to get STI screening as soon as possible to rule out any issues, i'm refraining from any sexual contact with my gf to keep her safe.

In regards to my behavior I really am soul searching to determine why I did this, I can play the whole night back yes, (alcohol has never make me black out) but really after a certain hour its like my right/wrong common sense completely left my body, I honestly can't believe it when i play it back, I don't recognize that guy.

This does seem to be a drink thing, and if its started bringing out this kind of behavior in me I've no choice but to give it up, I agree on that 100% I'd rather stay sober for the next 10 years than ever have a repeat of last week, I genuinely didn't think i had a drink problem but its poisoning me in a way that just can't continue.

I've been so upset over this last week, i can't eat i'm barely sleeping. I love my gf I really do, and our relationship is great, its not boring, small problems to resolve that lots of couples have but nothing big and I do mean that, nothing of a sexual nature.

Do I sometimes have fantasies about other women sure, but its things like you walk past someone in the street and think for half a second wow she's nice, but that's it, then shes gone, and you forget all about it, thats as far as its ever been, harmless window shopping so to speak, i've never set out to cheat until that night, and again I don't know in a million years why I did what I did, why didn't i just go to mcdonald's, get food and then go home, that question has been eating me up a lot.

Please let me know what you think, and honestly positive and negative I want to see what you all think.

OneOfThem

Well you of course know 'why?'. You were drunk and horny and wanted to have sex with someone that wasn't your girlfriend, and figured a hooker was the best option to make that happen.

bilbot79

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Like boneyarsebogman said, you were sober enough to go find a phone number, make a call and follow through, so you can't really blame the drink.

With regards to the rest - look, we've all done crappy things and we've all made mistakes.

What matters now is how you move forward. First things first, STI testing. Chances of you catching anything with a condom being used are small, but you have to be sure.

Onto the harder part - your girlfriend. She deserves the truth. You don't have to tell her it was a prostitute, although I believe she deserves the full truth from you.

She deserves to know exactly what's gone on, to allow her to make a decision to help her.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, I really am. But it's time to step up and face the consequences.

What a laugh? He should tell the gf??? No way.thats really bad advice from some kind of supernerd. And you're suggesting that he should include a lie when revealing the truth??

OP should think about what he's done, put it down to experience and move on. Better for everyone.

Penny Tration

I'm not suggesting the OP lie. I'm saying he doesn't have to give the full intimate details of what happened.

As an aside, my advice is coming from my own perspective, having been in a similar situation. I was told the truth, and because I was told the truth and saw how guilt stricken he was, I agreed to try save the relationship.

What do you suggest the OP does when his girlfriend wonders why he won't sleep with her for three months (that's how long it takes to get the all clear from STI screenings!), when she's seeing that he's not sleeping, crying, etc. She'll question it, as any sane person would. So instead of telling her the truth, should he lap up any sympathy she gives him?

eternal

I'm sure STI clinics give results while you wait whilst the more serious ones are within a week. I remember getting all clear very soon. I do know the blood HIV ones used to take months but times have changed with that. Not much chance of it wearing condoms anyway. I might be wrong but just from experience speaking.

Penny Tration

eternal wrote: »

I'm sure STI clinics give results while you wait whilst the more serious ones are within a week. I remember getting all clear very soon. I do know the blood HIV ones used to take months but times have changed with that. Not much chance of it wearing condoms anyway.

HIV takes three months still to get the total clearance. Yeah, condoms were used, which minimises the chance, but he can't risk his girlfriend's health by taking even that small chance.

eternal

The blood one takes three months but preliminary urine ones show up within a week. I presume that's just precautionary.

zeffabelli

Sounds like you got drunk and did something impulsive.

Don't get the sense this is a pattern.

Sometimes we do things we can't understand ourselves.

Like in Alice in wonderland, the Queen of Hearts asks her to explain herself. Alice says, "I cannot explain myself as I was not myself."

As for telling your girlfriend the truth, I'd be circumspect about that until you know what the truth is, truth is more than a fact, a fact is part of it, but not all of it.

dudara

@bilbot79 - please post respectfully towards other posters, or else don't post.

dudara

Lux23

Have you ever done something impulsive and mad like this before OP? It doesn't have to be sexual, but maybe you took drugs or got in an argument before while drinking and the need or want to do these things came completely out of nowhere. Are you a straight laced person? Do you do everything you're supposed to?

Maybe there is a part of you that really isn't happy with your life and is craving excitement?

LegacyUser

I`ve done stupid impulsive things that I kind of dared myself into in the past that were out of character. I spend a long time trying to figure out why and I think it was a form of self sabotage. Its like imposing limits on the amount of normal and happiness you can have or you think you deserve so you do something to sabotage yourself. I think it may stem from childhood issues and patterns with me. Has your life been so good lately that you felt like you were due something bad happening to redress the balance? Maybe a way of controlling the bad thing that will happen too if your life has been dictated by others in the past.

frostyjacks

I would just chalk it down to experience and move on. No point scuppering your relationship over this, it's not like your married. Might want to watch how much you drink in future though.

beks101

I'd take a two-pronged approach.

1. Don't tell your girlfriend unless you never want to see her again. Of course in an ideal world honesty prevails and you would come clean and in time you'd both get passed this, but the reality is she will be shocked, disgusted, devastated and far beyond finding any trust or faith in you ever again. She'll never forget it, she'll be forever damaged and she'll probably blame herself. Refrain from any and all sexual activity with her until you get the all clear.

2. Figure out what the hell caused this lapse in judgement/sanity on your part and fix it. It's not enough to just quit booze, but by all means let that be part of the solution if needs be. You know well there was more to it than "I'm wasted, I think I'll shag a hooker." Is your relationship really as strong as you profess? Do you have doubts? Do you struggle with monogamy? Are you bored sexually, are you missing something emotionally? Are you generally impulsive or do you struggle with poor impulse control? Do you have a self-destructive streak? If so, why? What went through your head as you did your online research, trawled through and selected a prostitute and called that number? What were you feeling?

Ask yourself all of these questions. You owe it to yourself and to your girlfriend to get to the bottom of this, no matter how painful or difficult it will be.

worried15

Thanks everyone for the messages and advice, this'll be my last post on this so MOD please close this thread when you can.

I've a lot of soul searching still to do but reading your messages has helped, I understand that drink is just part of the problem but what I do know is I'd never have done this sober so quitting drink is the best first step I can think of. I really do love my gf, and now well over a week later i'm still unable to figure it all out, I don't know if I ever will really.

Anyway I will be getting tested soon, in the next week or so, initial google searching and a chat with a few medical e-doctors sites have all said my chances are good and not to worry too much seeing as it was just oral and a condom was used throughout. (cant believe i'm typing that).

Thanks again everyone!

Spencer Winterbotham

Jesus.... Do not tell your missus...

dudara

@Spencer Winterbotham - welcome to Boards. Please take the time to read the forum charter and familiarise yourself with the standard of posting in this forum.

Posts must offer constructive advice. One liner throwaway posts are not helpful.

dudara