Sex issue- is this solvable?

LegacyUser

This is probably minor in comparison to the threads with serious problems but I'm starting to feel like it's a no win situation.

My OH and I are together nearly a year, we get on brilliantly, are best friends and our sex life is pretty good.
Apart from one issue! He loves really crude dirty talk during sex and I hate it. I mean it makes me really uncomfortable, I lose any enjoyment I'm getting and end up feeling really stupid and useless that I can't do it.
He says he finds it hard to climax without it (sometimes he just gives up but 2 out of 3 times he manages!).
I've explained I dont like it, that it takes my enjoyment out of sex and I feel stupid. He just says it's something I have to work on and it's silly to feel stupid because it's just "us", I feel like he doesn't care that I reallyy really don't like it.
I feel like it's something he's learned from a previous relationship and isnt interested in creating a sex life that's about us and what we both like and finding ways to enjoy sex with me rather than 're-creating something he had before.
It's probably my own insecurities too but he has contact with his ex from a long term relationship (they have a child) and I feel like he obviously had a better sex life with her cos it's something he's very used to and expects. It makes me very uneasy that he wants what he had with her.

It's gotten to the point where Im confused if I even want to have sex, I really enjoy it until he starts putting the pressure on and then I get uncomfortable and feel stupid and not good enough.
I have tried but its just not me and I'm very uncomfortable

Is there anyway of solving this? It seems that only one of us can be happy!!

kylith

Would he be happy with you just giving him instruction (Harder, faster), or does he want the more 'Oh, big boy, this is what I'm going to do to you' kind of thing?

I'm sure it's something you could learn to do but I understand what you mean; it can be hard to get into the mindspace for this kind of thing if it's not something that you're into yourself

bp

There needs to be a comprise. If you cannot climax talking dirty he shouldn't always expect you to.

As he said he needs to learn to get over it too

Merkin

This really reminds me of the SATC episode where Miranda was dating a guy who could only ejaculate by calling her a filthy slut and she really couldn't get into it at all. I think you're going to have to have a chat about this OUTSIDE of the bedroom and agree on what you both want. I really wouldn't give too much thought to past partners, everyone has a past and if he didn't love you he wouldn't be with you so ignore his past. If you have an otherwise good relationship then talk to him about it. You may simply be a little self conscious and get to really enjoy it or maybe it's really not for you at all, you definitely need to have a proper discussion about it.

The Princess Bride

sillyproblem wrote: »

1.He loves really crude dirty talk during sex and I hate it. I mean it makes me really uncomfortable, I lose any enjoyment I'm getting and end up feeling really stupid and useless that I can't do it.

2.I've explained I dont like it, that it takes my enjoyment out of sex and I feel stupid. He just says it's something I have to work on and it's silly to feel stupid because it's just "us", I feel like he doesn't care that I reallyy really don't like it.

3.It's gotten to the point where I'm confused if I even want to have sex, I really enjoy it until he starts putting the pressure on and then I get uncomfortable and feel stupid and not good enough.
I have tried but its just not me and I'm very uncomfortable

Is there anyway of solving this? It seems that only one of us can be happy!!

It seems only one of you can be happy at a time and not together. Both of you know what you need sexual speaking, alas, it seems that neither of you like the same thing.

After almost a year together, is it only just becoming an issue now or has it been so since the start?Unless you find something else that works for you both, it doesn't look like you're compatible, does it?It's a pity as everything else is going so well for you both. I'd suggest a serious chat outside the bedroom and see how he reacts.

I don't think either of you should have to change,by the way.
It's perfectly okay to know what you like and don't like and a loving partner shouldn't expect their lover to change just because they like a particular thing.

Memnoch

I don't agree with the idea of no one should ever change who they are etc. Compromise is a part of making a relationship work. When we live with someone long term we change anyways, often in small subtle ways. Taste in films, TV, food etc.

It's just about how important the relationship is to BOTH of you and how much you are both willing to adjust, try new things and see how you get on. If you're both going to remain intractable then things likely won't work out.

An open and honest discussion out of the bedroom and some give and take. Also, try not to make it about how it was or wasn't with his ex because that's really neither here nor there and it's stopping you from being objective about your current situation. He obviously has things he's into in terms of sex and his ex shouldn't really be part of the discussion, or your consideration of it, IMO. Best of luck, hope it works out for you both.

Buona Fortuna

I agree with the post above. We all change in various ways when we're in a relationship.

There's a book we found useful. I've recommended it three times in PI so I'm probably due a slap.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0749929138/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_S_ttl?_encoding=UTF8&colid=1ZK19I0CYXVXL&coliid=IYHHSCQWIX1LJ - "Becoming Orgasmic". I recommend not for the nuts and bolts sections so much as the way of "having the comversation", from memory I think there's a section on "his fears/concerns".

I hope it helps - have a look at a free sample on Amazon.

All the very best.

The Princess Bride

I get what you both are saying, but if someone genuinely finds something sexual distasteful, should they change?
Really?

And taste in films,TV and food and compromising on those has zero bearing on sexual tastes.
I might put up with a partner watching a TV programme I dislike but if I find something a sexual turnoff, I won't compromise,especially when there are lots of people out
there with similar likes and with whom I'd click sexually.
It doesn't have to be complicated in my experience.

blue note

You might get in on it if you do it a few times. Particularly if you see him getting off over it.

Maybe try reading some erotic short stories? You can download them for free on Google play..... I hear..... That way you'll have a bit of a script in your head and it'll come easier.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Someone asked is it just becoming a problem now. The answer is both yes and no in a way. I never enjoyed it but I have been trying for months, we tried letting him do all the talking or telling me what he wants to hear and i repeated it (awkward!) there was a time when he stopped asking for me to say things so I think he was trying it out without it.
It's just got to a point where he pushes me on it every single time, and even afterwards he'll say something like "you need to work on the dirty talk" even if I've tried.

To the person who asked what type of thing he wants it's like he needs a constant stream of talking about what he's doing and how it feels but in strong crude language. It might seem simple but I rarely even swear so it's alien to me!

What generally happens is he asks for me to talk-I don't know what to say, then I freeze, can't think of anything, he's looking at me hopefully......it all gets almost funny!

The funny thing is that he's always saying how great our sex life is and how happy he is.....so why keep pushing! I wouldn't mind if it was an occasional thing we did but he wants it every single time and can't understand it doesn't work for me.

Memnoch

Unfortunately it sounds like one of those situations which has become a vicious cycle. You feel self conscious and uncomfortable and so you can't really get into it, and he feels like this is something he wants and he can't understand why you won't go for it, because he can't see what the big deal is, (to him it's just a bit of role play) so he gets frustrated and ends up putting pressure on you which makes you more uncomfortable etc.

I think you guys probably need counselling to be able to really communicate about it and find a way around it, but my sense is that ultimately he is going to have to accept that you just can't go there as it is a hard limit for you. I do think people should try to be open and explore and sometimes it can be good to edge past your comfort zone but each person is different.

So while I think he has to compromise in this case, maybe you can think of something or even discuss something together to spice things up in a different way? Or make it up to him in some other area of your life together. Things that the two of you can explore together and where there isn't so much pressure to perform?

It is a tough situation though. Hope you can work it out.

Memnoch

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I get what you both are saying, but if someone genuinely finds something sexual distasteful, should they change?
Really?

And taste in films,TV and food and compromising on those has zero bearing on sexual tastes.
I might put up with a partner watching a TV programme I dislike but if I find something a sexual turnoff, I won't compromise,especially when there are lots of people out
there with similar likes and with whom I'd click sexually.
It doesn't have to be complicated in my experience.

That's entirely you prerogative in terms of which areas of your life you are willing to compromise or not compromise on. I think our society has a lot of hang ups about sex that make things more complicated than they need to be. But to each their own, and each individual and couple is different. In some cases when people want to make things work I don't see why finding common ground in sex should be ruled out entirely.

elusiveguy

Could he be watching lots of porn?

Barely There

sillyproblem wrote: »

I have tried but its just not me and I'm very uncomfortable

Just tell him you won't be doing it anymore for this reason.

It's a bit bizarre that he's telling you that he can't climax unless you're shouting obscenities at him constantly, every time you have sex - I'd be a bit worried about that.

At the end of the day, you've tried it, you don't enjoy it and it's unfair he's constantly putting pressure on you to keep doing it.
I'm sure there's plenty of other stuff you can get up to which you both enjoy.
It sounds like you haven't been very assertive in telling him what you want.

elusiveguy wrote: »

Could he be watching lots of porn?

Bingo.

LegacyUser

elusiveguy wrote: »

Could he be watching lots of porn?

Sadly it probably has little to do with his ex and everything to do with this. His pushing for you to sound and act all porny is, well, because of the most obvious reason, he's used to getting off to porn, and can't without real sex being more like it. You've already said to him that it makes you uncomfortable, but if its actually at the stage he can't come without the explicit talk I wouldn't be very hopeful of you both being satisfied and compatible sexually.
He should want to compromise and want to know what does it for you and work on things, but it doesn't sound from your OP like that's true or that BOTH your satisfaction is important to him. Surely he could be open to other things that would turn you on and not make you so uncomfortable?

blue note

I doubt it's a porn thing to be honest. My ex used to love the dirty talk and she never watched porn. I on the other hand watch plenty and I never think about the dirty talk when watching it. I think it's just something some people enjoy. Actually, a few girls I slept with liked it so I'd say it's a fairly common thing got girls.

elusiveguy

blue note wrote: »

I doubt it's a porn thing to be honest. My ex used to love the dirty talk and she never watched porn. I on the other hand watch plenty and I never think about the dirty talk when watching it. I think it's just something some people enjoy. Actually, a few girls I slept with liked it so I'd say it's a fairly common thing got girls.

Oh dirty talk is fine, not being able to cum without it seems like a too-much-porn issue!

Barely There

elusiveguy wrote: »

Oh dirty talk is fine, not being able to cum without it seems like a too-much-porn issue!

The irony is that he seems to have convinced the OP that she is the one with the problem.

If he needs "a constant stream of talking about what he's doing and how it feels but in strong crude language" every time he has sex, it's most certainly him with the problem, not the OP.

blue note

elusiveguy wrote: »

Oh dirty talk is fine, not being able to cum without it seems like a too-much-porn issue!

She'd struggle without it. I just don't think it's a porn thing. Nothing wrong with it either, although of the other person can't get into it and he can't get there without it it's a problem.

zeffabelli

Barely There wrote: »

The irony is that he seems to have convinced the OP that she is the one with the problem.

If he needs "a constant stream of talking about what he's doing and how it feels but in strong crude language" every time he has sex, it's most certainly him with the problem, not the OP.

They both have a problem.

One has a problem getting out of their comfort zone the other is too dependant on one particular factor.

fineso.mom

.....
It's just got to a point where he pushes me on it every single time, and even afterwards he'll say something like "you need to work on the dirty talk" even if I've tried.
[/quote]

This stood out for me OP. It must be demoralizing to hear stuff like that, like you are being judged on your performance. That's ok in work or in sport, but not after sex with your partner. How dare he !
Having a chat about sex and what you both like and giving different things a try is fine. Telling you that you need to work on the dirty talk (which you've already told him you're uncomfortable with but tried to do it anyway in an effort to compromise ) is so selfish, disrespectful and rude.
You tried, it didn't suit you , he needs to drop it.
It's like you telling him you don't like mushrooms but he insists on mushrooms for dinner every night. He tells you that you just need to keep trying them and will eventually get to like them.
I would be more worried about his complete lack of regard for your opinion than anything else.