A little help please.

Tigerton

My little girl is 2.5 years old and I am currently a stay at home mammy with her.

She is wonderful, bright, clever funny and happy. However, she has a temper like I've never seen.

As soon as something doesn't go her way she has a full on meltdown and falls to the floor kicking and high-pitch screaming, and it's like one of those exaggerated movie toddler tantrums, but in my living room (or tesco, or the street...). She even had one screaming tantrum so loud that the neighbours called the police thinking something was wrong. That was my lowest point as a parent.

We have tried reasoning with her, explaining to her that screaming won't get her what she wants, comforting her , and just plain ignoring the tantrum until it wanes, but none of these really work. She used to get sent to the naughty step, but that now makes the tantrum ten times worse. She used to get sent to bed, but she can get out of her cot. I usually resort to putting her teddy on the top shelf for a few minutes, but that's awful.

She has a big problem with listening to us, and will generally do the opposite of what we say, while laughing (She just had a tantrum because I told her off for trying to stick her hand into her dirty nappy, after i told her No.) This doesn't help. She's very headstrong and stubborn (family trait unfortunately).

Some days, everything is a battle and she will fight us over every single thing. When her daddy is home she plays us off against each other; if there's something she doesn't want to do, she says only daddy can do it, when daddy tells her to do it, she says she wants mammy etc.

I'm exhausted, stressed, worried. I feel like I've gone drastically wrong somewhere for my baby to be so angry, and I have no idea what to do. I know that it's called "the terrible twos" for a reason, but I'm really struggling.

Is this just normal, frustrated toddler behaviour? Should I just accept that she will grown out of it?

Please if anyone has tips or suggestions, or a magic button to help me, I will bake you a cake and tell you I love you, because it's very, very hard at the moment.

LegacyUser

I'm not there yet so my advice will be minimal but one thing I do know is to present a united front. Daddy and mammy are in absolute agreement with everything no matter what - don't let her play you off against each other. My parents were really good that way, whatever one said the other agreed with, and any rows between them must have happened in private because we never saw them!

My own little one is 13 months, but is strong willed and so far I've got away with simply heading things off before they happen - yes the TV is going off, so say bye-bye to (insert TV programme)...bye-bye, bye-bye...(and switch it off). Usually try saying to her a few minutes in advance of things what's happening next like "ok we'll go up and have our bath in a minute", or "we'll get your bowl and have our dinner" (mental preparation).

And if she does freak a bit when things aren't going her way, I just say "no" very firmly and distract her a bit, or remove her from the situation and instantly stop her from what she's doing. Consistency in your approach seems to be key. She knows there are lines that will not be crossed.

Like I said, that's worked for me so far, but it's been relatively easy. Maybe someone else has more advice. And occasionally - as a friend of mine with a toddler said - sometimes mammy screams along.....for those days when you're desperate

cyning

I think the best thing to do is to pick a method and stick with it. I have a barely three year old and at the first sign of the "madness" starting we try distracting her: you can't have buttons now but would you like a rice cake or raisins if your hungry instead kind of thing. Then if that doesn't work we start practicing our big deep breaths to calm down. It's helping a good bit: and normally ends in giggling! If that doesn't help its off out to the mats at the end of the stairs to cool down (and for me to take a few deep breaths too!): then when she has calmed down a bit I go back to her and we practice our deep breaths again hugs and kisses for everybody.

She threw a tantrum in the full waiting room in the doctors the other day because I wouldn't let her take off my shoes and started hitting and kicking me. It's beyond embarrassing when that happens. I just felt like the worst parent in the world. It does get easier, tantrums are lessening now. but god when they happen I just want to run for cover :P S believe me it is not just you... not by a long shot. They definitely were at the worst a few months ago but as her speech improved they do lessen.

sm213

My nearly four year old can still throw a tantrum as good as the rest.
Very strong willed and independent so when things don't go her way or she can't do it herself it's the end of the world.
It's hard being at home with a wilful child. Helps to get out if you can.
Validating feelings works well too as they then learn what is happening.
So I'll say I know you're mad/sad/frustrated etc. Let me help you.
Some kids need more help to cope with strong feelings than others.
I know punishments only serve to rile ny dd up to insane levels of screaming shouting and stress. Not to say there's no days where I say go to your room because I've had enough of it. You're only human do what you can to cope :-)

dori_dormer

At that age all their emotions are overwhelming and confusing.

Does she get plenty of exercise and fresh air? How's her diet? Might there be something there?

Not judging or anything, I just know people in similar situations that have gone to gp and phn over these situations.

I would try and work on communication like said above, subtle warnings of things that are happening soon, also maybe give her a choice so she feels somewhat in control of things? Like ' would you like to brush your teeth or have a bath first?'

I would also try and help her identify her feelings and trying to relate to them ' I know you want to stay and play as it's fun, but we have to leave and go to the shops now. I know it's sad to leave but we will come back again' name frustration, anger, disappointment, sad etc.so she can recognise these feelings in future.
Getting to her level and explains things. Don't leave her alone when she's upset as this will just make her feel abandoned. Stay nearby and try using soothing talk.
Perhaps have a punching pillow when she feels the need to lash out , that she can hit as much as she likes until she feels better?
Also like above communicate with your husband. When he comes home, talk about the day, the things you decided on with her. Make sure if she comes to either of you with a request for anything you always double check with the other.

These are just some things I've encountered along the way.

RentDayBlues

I feel your pain, I hav double trouble with a 3 year old and an 18 month old. The 3 year old has just started (fingers crossed) growing out of this, we can diffuse most of the tantrums by smiling at her now, she's reached the point where when she kicks off she can stop herself. If not its timeout and I don't care where we are or who is looking, 1 minute for every year and then an apology for the behaviour and a cuddle.

The 18 month old has the worst temper I have ever seen, she makes her sister look like an angel. She loses it at the slightest thing and like your little one she's full on down on the ground movie style It's exhausting somedays. I've followed the same technique, try to distract where possible and if not we do timeout - she gets 1 1/2 minutes. She doesn't get it yet but it removes her from the situation and she calms quickly

I think if you give in on the screaming with using timeouts then of course she's going to scream louder to get out of it. Consistency is the key. If we're going out I tell my two where we're going and what the consequences are if they misbehave. It may sound harsh but it works so well, before I did this any trip out was a battle.

You are doing a good job and being at home full time is a very hard job, just know that this phase will pass, you just need to stay strong.

If things get really really bad, I removed myself from the room, I can still see them but it's the safest option for all involved

JohnBee

Naughty step all the way, I have three kids experience!

Thing is though, consistency. When behaviour started to slip, it was usually our lack of consistency. So be consistent about on third warning to naughty step, a minute per year of age. And it must be done with quiet voice/tone, quietly put them (which often means lift/drag lol) into the nominated corner (or step). And even if it means continuously lifting them back as they run away, do so quietly.

If you are consistent with this, eventually they will learn. However even the shortest lapse on your part and it will lose effect. Your child needs to know that 100% of the time that three warning are broken, the naughty step will be enforced, not 99% or anything else.

Best of luck.

pwurple

Aww, that sounds tiring for all of you.

I'm in it now myself, my toddler is like a banshee when she doesn't get what she wants! Which is usually what her sister is playing with that minute.

I found with my older girl, that managing the sleep and food worked best for me. Toddlers get Hungry-angry and tired-angry, and those tantrums seem to be worse than others. I started managing the snacks very rigidly... food every two hours in some form. fruit or yoghurt or cracker between main meals.

And watching for the sleepy eyes. Does she still nap for you? A relax or chill-out time with soft music on a cushion chilled my older girl out for about 20 minutes, and then she's ready to go again. luckily smally still naps.

Naughty corner or naughty step if she is being unsafe.

And sometimes I just let her rage away for a minute while I get on with something else.

Tigerton

Thank you so much for all your replies. It's slightly comforting to see other people struggling with this too; it makes me feel less like a terrible mother!

From these suggestions, we definitely have some things to work on.

Her diet is okay. She's very picky, and often asks for one thing and then turns her nose up at it when it arrives. My default thing to feed her is carbs (cereal, toast, pasta), because she refuses so much. I'm going to work on this this week.

She doesn't nap any more. I've given up trying to put her down in her cot because it just results in a screaming fit. She still needs one though, and they days that she is very tied there's a huge tantrum trying to get her into the buggy and then she sleeps on our walk. She's just to stuborn to give in and have an actual nap. I miss naptime!

Consistency is the another thing, and probably the biggest thing. I think we keep trying things to soon after the first doesn't work, and maybe we don't give it long enough to take effect. I'm going to use the 'three strikes' idea.

Thank you so much. I'll report back and let you know how we get on. I'm hopeful and optimistic (and it's been a while).

bp

Do you think a bed over a cot might help....says she whose child loves nothing more than not sleeping.

I think my 2.5 year old is dropping their nap....boo :-(

dori_dormer

Also on the food thing, I can't remember what book it is but I remember reading a great thing about fussy eaters

Only cook one meal each mealtime, but make sure there is something on the plate that you know they like.

Then if they say yuck or no, you tell them they don't have to eat it. But there is nothing else to be had. Then you go about eating your own meal.
This gives you control over what is made, and the child control over whether to eat or not. Children will not starve themselves.

If the child eats nothing at dinner most will give fruit or something before bed. It makes mealtimes much less stressful aparently.

LegacyUser

For my one year old - if she turns her nose up, I get on with my meal. She won't starve and she's happy enough to eat 5 mins later. I don't negotiate on food.

Also there's a thread in the main "parenting" forum called "lies!lies!lies!" - some good approaches to getting kids to eat what they are turning their noses up at in that

Spread the love

I read an extremely good article about the Terrible 2s when my daughter was around 18 months and it helped me so much. I think David Coleman was the author. Consistency and firmness are key at this age. I think the best thing to do is have a plan of action, some people use the ignore tactic but I find what works best for me is picking her up and cuddling her when she's having a meltdown. I find this calms my daughter down straight away and I can reason with her more easily after. Maybe role play with her favourite soft toys, oh teddy doesn't like when you scream it hurts her wee ears etc. Make sure when you say no, that it means no and you don't keep repeating it again and again or she feels like she can get around you. If you're out shopping or out and about, have some distraction methods like raisins or bubbles at the ready. Also, another thing was with my family I felt that people were undermining what I said so I have to pull a few family aside and say that I felt my daughter felt like she had to listen to too many people and didn't know who to believe. Make sure it's just you and her Dad that she's answering to the majority of the time and that you're both on the same page. I honestly think that if you get the discipline right at this age, it should be plain sailing until they're teenagers at least!

RentDayBlues

Spread the love wrote: »

Also, another thing was with my family I felt that people were undermining what I said so I have to pull a few family aside and say that I felt my daughter felt like she had to listen to too many people and didn't know who to believe. Make sure it's just you and her Dad that she's answering to the majority of the time and that you're both on the same page. I honestly think that if you get the discipline right at this age, it should be plain sailing until they're teenagers at least!

Very good point, we have two rules in our house:

1. Only 1 parent at a time disciplines so the toddler doesn't feel like they are being ganged up on, same rule applies to anyone in our home. Which leads to number 2

2. Everyone has to leave the discipline to the disciplinarian. I find family, especially grandparent, often try to "help" by getting involved, so I'm quick to ask them to stop immediately. We've told our number 1 rule to our families, some forget easily but we enforce it

Edit: they seem like the same thing, so actually it's should read number 2: don't interrupt the disciplinarian

sonandheir

dori_dormer wrote: »

Perhaps have a punching pillow when she feels the need to lash out , that she can hit as much as she likes until she feels better?.

Hi dori-dormer, I agree with all your advice but I don't kjn. cccjcu

fall

Some great advice here already and consistency is hugely important. Just one other thing that definitely helps, loads of positive affirmation throughout the day and verbalising what they are doing right and how happy it makes you feel eg. That's very good manners ( when they say thank you ), it makes mammy very happy when you are so good. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful child. This can help to encourage good behaviour to be the default. Children want to please and it will also make them very aware that different behaviour ellicits very different responses.

sonandheir

Hi dori-dormer, I agree with all your advice except the following:

dori_dormer wrote: »

Perhaps have a punching pillow when she feels the need to lash out , that she can hit as much as she likes until she feels better?.

I read before that this only enforces them to express anger physically especially hitting.

You have to be careful with the behaviours we teach them. On my first born I used to wrestle with her everynight before bed, to tire her out and thought this was excellent as she'd sleep well and we played. I would let her be very rough while wrestling. Of course this translated into her eventually wrestling all her playmates and hurting a few of them. Had to eventually wind down the wrestling and the behaviour pettered out.

mitresize5

Currently coming out of this phase thank god.

If I was to prioritise it would be this

1. Never ever accede to the demands, it will reinforce the behaviour.

2. A united front. Even if you think your husband is wrong never let the child see this. They will play one of against the other. We've often bit our tounges and had serious words later in private.

3. Consistently. Follow through on whatever your course of actions are. Be it bedroom, naughty step or bold corner.

Remember if it's in public don't worry about it. Every parent has been there!!

dori_dormer

sonandheir wrote: »

Hi dori-dormer, I agree with all your advice except the following:



I read before that this only enforces them to express anger physically especially hitting.

You have to be careful with the behaviours we teach them. On my first born I used to wrestle with her everynight before bed, to tire her out and thought this was excellent as she'd sleep well and we played. I would let her be very rough while wrestling. Of course this translated into her eventually wrestling all her playmates and hurting a few of them. Had to eventually wind down the wrestling and the behaviour pettered out.

I think her child is old enough though to know that they only take their frustrations out on that particular pillow.
If you think about how adults need releases for stress and frustrations, you feel better after burning off energy. Lots of people run, box, fitness classes. We all need to vent our frustrations and often feel like we just want to hit something to feel better. And we do it in a controlled environment. A toddlers emotions are 100 times stronger than ours. It needs a safe controlled release. And then you can try and fix the underlying issue.

The OP herself will know if it's a possible option for her child. I know what you are saying though as I certainly wouldn't be 'teaching' my 17 mth old to punch as he wouldn't understand the context. But I'll never tell him that his emotions are wrong, bad or invalid as that just creates emotionally stunted adults in the long run.