supervised access

dscm

Q

Novella

What would you like him to introduce himself as? Is there a reason you don't want him to be able to take photographs? I'm just wondering what your thought processes are. You believe he is just trying to get to you so are you trying to get back at him by implementing further 'rules' as you call them or do you actually have genuine concerns for your son here?

The way I see it is, he is your son's father so I don't think it'd be inappropriate for him to tell the child that is who he is or that he is his daddy. That is the truth. I don't know the background obviously so I'm unsure if there's an issue that makes you think he should not be allowed to photograph your son, who is also his son. If so, was this discussed in court?

You don't want to make yourself appear difficult or like you have any intentions of alienating the child from the other parent. The access is being supervised and as you said, you went to court and agreed upon this decision. Are your motives now in the best interests of your child?

Peregrinus

dscm wrote: »

I will always act in my childs best interests, i have genuine concerns. This is like a stranger coming into the house taking pictures of him? I have not seen this person in three years I dont know who he is now?

You may not have seen him for three years, but you know exactly who he is. He isn't a stranger.

dscm wrote: »

As for introducing himself as "daddy" should he not get to know the child first, build up a bit of a relationship first and then explain who he is?

I don't see why. He can just as easily, and with greater openness and honesty, introduce himself as Daddy and then build up a relationship. I don't see that this threatens any harm to your child.

dscm wrote: »

Yes I know I am very protective, bringing up a child on your own at 19 will do that to you. I am not making things difficult I just feel I need to be able to trust him before he can do this, does that not seem fair?

Since your OP has been deleted, I don't know whether you have any particular reason not to trust him. He is the child's father and the child has a right and an interest in knowing him and having a relationship with him. That right is not conditional on you "being able to trust" the father. If you have some concrete reason for not trusting him, that's a different matter.

I get that you're nervous; I would be too. This is quite likely going to be a very signficant relationship in your child's life, and the first significant relationship which you don't control. But that's the reality of being a separated parent. It's a reality that you have to deal with it, but you can't prevent your child and his father from developing a relationship because you don't feel ready to deal with it yet.

Peregrinus

You should be able to trust the person who is spending time with your son. And your son should have a relationship with his father. And, obviously, there's two "shoulds" there that can be in tension.

The bottom line, as you say yourself, is not your feelings; it's your son's best interests. In general, it's in the best interests of your son to have a relationship with his father. It seems to me that to disrupt that requires more than your discomfort with the fact that you and the father have grown apart, and he is a relative stranger to you. You'll need some more concrete reason than that to suggest that it's not in your son's best interests to spend time with his father.

I stress, I know little of the circumstances. What your ex has is supervised access, which should rule out any immediate and alarming danger to your son. I don't think your son is in any way threatened by knowing that your ex is his father; ideally he would have known this all along, but things didn't work out that way. He certainly shouldn't grow up thinking his grandfather is his father
.
Nor do I think your son is being threatened by being photographed with, or by, his father. If your ex is going to build up a relationship with the child it's understandable that he would want a photograph to carry around himself, and to show to his own family. That indicates the kind of attachment that you should want to encourage, not discourage.

This should be monitored for the effect it has on your son; if it disturbs or upsets him, that needs to be addressed. But - no offence - the effect it has on you is a secondary consideration.

zeffabelli

Op I'm making an estimate here based on what people have quoted out of the deleted post.

I'm guessing dad had re entered the picture after an absence?

This is a difficult adventure and honestly needs professional input and supervision for the family.

dscm

Peregrinus I never once said i didn't want him to spend time with his father I said i was nervous and wanted some advice so please stop putting words in my mouth. I am using this forum for help and advice on supervised visits not for a lecture on what the childs father has the right to as he should have lost all rights when he walked away in the first place.

Novella

dscm wrote: »

Peregrinus I never once said i didn't want him to spend time with his father I said i was nervous and wanted some advice so please stop putting words in my mouth. I am using this forum for help and advice on supervised visits not for a lecture on what the childs father has the right to as he should have lost all rights when he walked away in the first place.

You wanted to find out how to impose further 'rules' (your word) on your child's time with his father.

I completely understand that you are upset that your child's father has been absent from his life - that is sad. However, you need to put your feelings aside. For whatever reason, your child's father now does want to be a part of your son's (and his son's) life. It is not up to you to say what rights he should have lost or to decide he's only back now to "get at you", which is what you stated in your now deleted first post.

I'm not trying to be harsh but your son has an opportunity to have a daddy now. Maybe you are right and maybe this man will disappear again but maybe he won't. He has been granted supervised visitation. Allow that, foster it, show that you are willing. If it goes badly and he only shows up once or twice and loses interest, at least you made the effort for your little boy to get to know his dad. It could go well though, it's not too late for them to build a relationship.

Honestly, unless you have concerns about this man that you're not addressing here, asking him or demanding that he not take pictures of his own child is not going to look good on you. Nor will asking him not to say that he is daddy or dad.

I get that it's hard and it's emotional and you do want what's best for your child so I know you probably feel like this man ran away and abandoned your sweet baby and how dare he waltz in now, I get that. It's awful that he wasn't there but give dad a chance, for your little boy's sake, even if it's just so that one day you can tell him that you did everything you could.

zeffabelli

I disagree entirely with the tone of the majority of responses here.

Re entry into a child's life is very difficult and will entirely depend on the relationship with the two parents. That is likely the reason he left in the first place.

Most people fail at doing this and if not done with sensitivity from both parties the child is facing another abandonment and that is no good.

It is a deep betrayal and the child's stage of development will matter. It's not just up to the mother to suck it up, or a question of his rights, but the emotional impact on the whole family.

Why should she trust him?
There is not enough info here to be able to help. Op can you say more?

Neyite

I'd agree. The dad is a proven flake. He needs to prove he is genuine, back for the long haul, and rebuild trust in him again.

You can't just land in on a three year old, play Disney Dad for a while then fcuk off when you get bored or when the reality of parenting hits you. This is what she is afraid of.

So the op is right to consider carefully managing a careful reintroduction. After all, when parents split and meet new partners it's recommended that it should be 6 months to a year before introducing a new partner.

I think that getting to know the child gradually is wise but I would say op that you can't and shouldn't restrict pictures. And if any of his bad habits surface again then you should have the choice not to allow your child to be exposed to that.

zeffabelli

Neyite wrote: »

I'd agree. The dad is a proven flake. He needs to prove he is genuine, back for the long haul, and rebuild trust in him again.

You can't just land in on a three year old, play Disney Dad for a while then fcuk off when you get bored or when the reality of parenting hits you. This is what she is afraid of.

So the op is right to consider carefully managing a careful reintroduction. After all, when parents split and meet new partners it's recommended that it should be 6 months to a year before introducing a new partner.

I think that getting to know the child gradually is wise but I would say op that you can't and shouldn't restrict pictures. And if any of his bad habits surface again then you should have the choice not to allow your child to be exposed to that.

Thing is its a bit like doing surgery with mittens in here.

We don't know enough to call him a flake. For all we know he needs a lot of reassurance or maybe he is selfish... We don't know. Maybe he has regrets... He should not walk back in with a sense of entitlement...that will blow up in his face.

But if the mother is nervous and suspicious that could drive him away again.... And quit at the first go. And voila another abandonment. This takes a lot of tenacity and strength to do.

If he is cavalier or suspicious that will not go down well either.

Not an easy project. It really does need professional supervision.

dscm

To all the kind reponses I have received back I just want to say thanks! After posts on this thread I deleted the op as I was abit upset by some of the responses, I'm glad that some of you can see the difficult situation that it is. I have decided to get proffesional advice and all in all I was right to not introduce him as "daddy" straight away but as his new friend 'fathersname' and alot more advice to help me and my son. Thanks again for the help

zeffabelli

dscm wrote: »

To all the kind reponses I have received back I just want to say thanks! After posts on this thread I deleted the op as I was abit upset by some of the responses, I'm glad that some of you can see the difficult situation that it is. I have decided to get proffesional advice and all in all I was right to not introduce him as "daddy" straight away but as his new friend 'fathersname' and alot more advice to help me and my son. Thanks again for the help

How old is your child?

I'd be inclined to lay out the facts neutrally .... "This is your father, his name is......."

I'd do this because you don't know where this is going and you don't want to find yourself confusing things even more.

It's important that the father hear you say this because it will engender less disconnect and that you, the mother of his child recognise him as the father.

dscm

My son is only three and would not know him at all. From speaking to a professional she advised the best thing to do would be to introduce him as a friend first until he gets to know his dad and then tell him for a few different reasons.
The first meeting was yesterday and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Hopefully will all run smoothly for DS sake. Thanks for replies

zeffabelli

dscm wrote: »

My son is only three and would not know him at all. From speaking to a professional she advised the best thing to do would be to introduce him as a friend first until he gets to know his dad and then tell him for a few different reasons.
The first meeting was yesterday and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Hopefully will all run smoothly for DS sake. Thanks for replies

I'm curious as what her reasoning was.

dscm

Also meant to say father of child agreed this was for best aswel as it was talked through with him to see what he thought and he agreed.

dscm

Just an update on this, looking back on posts saying I should do this and he should be introduced as this, thank god I didn't, he came in and demanded everything, I gave as much as I could everything was going well and he disappeared a couple of months later and I have not heard from him since! Natural instincts are always right! I'll be keeping to the professional advice from now on 😊

boardsuser1

dscm wrote: »

Just an update on this, looking back on posts saying I should do this and he should be introduced as this, thank god I didn't, he came in and demanded everything, I gave as much as I could everything was going well and he disappeared a couple of months later and I have not heard from him since! Natural instincts are always right! I'll be keeping to the professional advice from now on 😊

Professional advice isn't necessarily the best advice.

I had a court room battle for 7 years and was constantly getting adjourned by the other side to delay matters and prolong alienation.

In the end it was a 2 year run of supervised access I went through.

Psychologists reports and those of other organisations were all negative.

My other children being drafted in didn't work either.

In the end the judge decided to go with his instinct, unsupervised access was granted and bar 1 update for the courts benefit this matter has gone from strength to strength.

It was a gamble that did pay off.

All of this was against the advice of professionals.

Once the child was alone with me and not under any pressure they came around.

The reintegration period was key in the supervision being lifted as the child knew me and I knew the child.

It wasn't just a case of turn up and have the child handed to a total stranger.

Now it is a case of never look back.