Using anger as a distraction from myself

IamtheWalrus

I was bullied as a child/teenager and am now suffering from some mental issues because of it.

The bullying made me hate myself and generally hate being me. Over the years, I have developed a habit of distracting myself from myself. For example, if I'm alone, or bored, I find things to take me away from myself. 99% of those things are anger. I'll find a reason to get out angry, I'll find a reason to ruminate over some circumstance where I've felt wronged.

Other times, if I'm going for a run, initially I'm enjoying it. But as soon as I hit a tough hill / struggle, I distract myself from the pain by getting angry about something. Guaranteed, I'll find a reason to get angry to distract myself.

Other times I distract myself are if I'm making/eater dinner, or doing the washing up. If I'm in my shower, I have nothing but myself to deal with so I get angry with someone (past or present, doesn't matter) to distract myself from me.

Help.

Rubberchikken

Do you think you'd benefit from talking to your gp?
Anger is fine if used properly but if you're getting angry to try to deal with things that are upsetting then maybe some support is needed.
Take care

IamtheWalrus

Rubberchikken wrote: »

Do you think you'd benefit from talking to your gp?
Anger is fine if used properly but if you're getting angry to try to deal with things that are upsetting then maybe some support is needed.
Take care

I'm already in therapy. Over 2 years of it (not just anger stuff, other issues). He has helped because it's not nearly as bad as years ago. But I want it all gone. I need a new perspective on it.

hytrogen

Try meditation?
I'm sometimes not a happy camper either, especially in my own thoughts so I try to meditate from time to time, just a few minutes of happy calm thoughts, remembering nice times with friends.
If you want a little self help starter try Search soundcloud or whatever music or streaming app you have & just listen to a few meditation tracks or voice overs on meditation, it could help you relax more to start?
Then when you feel more comfortable maybe seek advice from your gp about chatting to someone?

Mayboy

Can you slowly try to see the anger - examine it, find out why it is there? Would you try CBT to see how it could help with the rumination.? You don't have to be angry, it seems to be a habitual way of processing your past.

Good Luck.

scriba

Hi OP, I pretty much have the same thing happen to me, undoubtedly for the same reasons. For me, it usually stemmed from frustration or the threat of feelings of failure bubbling to the surface, and inner anger - images, flashes, replayed arguments - would help blank those out. Some inner defense mechanism at work, but now causing trouble.

I hated it, and it would usually make me feel even more worthless. I did counselling some time ago, and while I wasn't looking to deal specifically with that, I found out that I find it difficult to express anger, so this was how I did it. I didn't really do anything to try stop it, but I've found over the years that mindfulness, meditation and just accepting it for what it is helps, and it's gotten rarer as time goes on. It was/is a habit for me, I'm probably not going to ever conquer it, as it's deeply ingrained behaviour. But I accept it, think about why I do it when it happens, and move on. And it's pretty rare that it happens now.

I try not to beat myself up about it, there's no point in me bullying myself!

IamtheWalrus

scriba wrote: »

Hi OP, I pretty much have the same thing happen to me, undoubtedly for the same reasons. For me, it usually stemmed from frustration or the threat of feelings of failure bubbling to the surface, and inner anger - images, flashes, replayed arguments - would help blank those out. Some inner defense mechanism at work, but now causing trouble.

I hated it, and it would usually make me feel even more worthless. I did counselling some time ago, and while I wasn't looking to deal specifically with that, I found out that I find it difficult to express anger, so this was how I did it. I didn't really do anything to try stop it, but I've found over the years that mindfulness, meditation and just accepting it for what it is helps, and it's gotten rarer as time goes on. It was/is a habit for me, I'm probably not going to ever conquer it, as it's deeply ingrained behaviour. But I accept it, think about why I do it when it happens, and move on. And it's pretty rare that it happens now.

I try not to beat myself up about it, there's no point in me bullying myself!

Sounds like you 'get me'. Thanks.

scriba wrote: »

I found out that I find it difficult to express anger, so this was how I did it.

I think this could be happening wit me too. When i was bullied, I never showed any emotion, none at all. But inside I'd be angry and wanting to lash out. I only lash out in times of solitutde, and unfortunately, to myself.

I agree, my incidents are much less than years ago. I think it's because I'm much happier in my own skin, having delt with the bullying.

IamtheWalrus

Mayboy wrote: »

Can you slowly try to see the anger - examine it, find out why it is there? Would you try CBT to see how it could help with the rumination.? You don't have to be angry, it seems to be a habitual way of processing your past.

Good Luck.

Thanks. And agreed, it is now just habit I think. I can see it happening and I know why. What I'm lookin for now is to rid myself of it all together. I do meditate sometimes when it gets bad and it does help. I suppose I don't really want to 'manage' it with meditiation - I want it gone forever. But maybe as others have said, it's more about managing it now.