Don't know who I am, where I'm going or what I'm doing

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

If you're reading this, then thank you. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice here or if I just really need to talk to somebody, but anyway.

Lately, I've really been starting to question the value of my own life. On the surface at least, everything is good. I've got a decent (if temporary) job in an area that I enjoy, I'm not struggling financially, I've got family and a few good friends... In so many ways, I'm so fortunate. I feel kind of ****ty for using this forum to vent when there are so many other people who are obviously in much greater need than me, but I feel like I've been bottling a lot of this up for years and it's really starting to take it's toll.

Let me just clarify that I'm not saying that I'm suicidal. Occasionally, thoughts of it do cross my mind when I'm feeling particularly low, but they are just thoughts. I definitely don't want to die. I want to live a much more full life than I have been living.

I'm not sure how to say this, but I feel like at the centre of my life, there's this massive, gaping hole. During the week, I get up, go to work, return home, do whatever I need to do in the couple of hours before bed, crash for the night, lather-rinse-repeat until Friday. I try and fill my weekends as much as I can by going to gigs, events, cinema, anything that'll give me something to look forward to and get me out of the house and out of my own head. Sometimes it helps for a while, but in the end, I think I'm just distracting myself.

I think my social life might be a large part of the problem. As the years go on, it just seems to be becoming more and more unstable. As I mentioned above, I do have a few good friends who've been fairly constant throughout my life, but these days I've been seeing them less and less frequently. I know that at this stage of life (I'm in my mid-twenties), it's normal for old friends to scatter, but I seem to be having a hard time replacing them with new ones.

That's not to say there aren't new people in my life... I've made a few new friends over the past couple of years, but I just don't know how to solidify those relationships. I always feel like I need a reason to reach out and make contact (social events, parties, pubs, that sort of thing), and to tell the truth, I don't actually know if this is normal or not. Either way, the end result is that I'm often by myself for long stretches at a time (weeks, sometimes months) when I'd really rather be around other people.

I realise that I've just given two paragraphs over to my social life without really meaning to, so maybe that's telling me something. Maybe I'm just lonely and if I could get that part of my life sorted the rest would fall into place. Maybe a new hobby would help, or maybe a more fulfilling job, or maybe packing everything in to go travel for a bit (if I could afford it anyway). I don't know. I just really want to stop feeling like I'm drifting through life without enjoying it.

Can anybody relate to any of this? Or does anybody know what I should do to snap myself out of it?

I've been thinking about looking into therapy, but to be honest, the thought of it scares the hell out of me, and I really don't know where start looking.

If you've read this far, thank you again. Apologies for the slightly rambling post, but I think writing it helped a little.

LegacyUser

I image your feelings may be something most people identify with. You don't mention a relationship but I think most people fill the hole by building a family. It's a bit of a simplistic view but it is realistically what actually happens. I'm not saying that is the solution either just pointing out that seems to be how we're wired. I know people will always say you need to be happy with yourself and can't rely on others for your happiness, maybe spend some time thinking about what makes you happy and what your needs are, but we are social creatures. I always think of maslows hierarchy of needs - it's a pyramid that shows how our needs change depending on what we have then we move up to the next level. It reminds me to be grateful for what I have and to understand myself better. You dont need to go to therapy if you don't want to simply sitting and writing down your feelings might help you be more aware of what's going on inside you.

Kind of adrift wrote: »

Hey everyone,

If you're reading this, then thank you. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice here or if I just really need to talk to somebody, but anyway.

Lately, I've really been starting to question the value of my own life. On the surface at least, everything is good. I've got a decent (if temporary) job in an area that I enjoy, I'm not struggling financially, I've got family and a few good friends... In so many ways, I'm so fortunate. I feel kind of ****ty for using this forum to vent when there are so many other people who are obviously in much greater need than me, but I feel like I've been bottling a lot of this up for years and it's really starting to take it's toll.

Let me just clarify that I'm not saying that I'm suicidal. Occasionally, thoughts of it do cross my mind when I'm feeling particularly low, but they are just thoughts. I definitely don't want to die. I want to live a much more full life than I have been living.

I'm not sure how to say this, but I feel like at the centre of my life, there's this massive, gaping hole. During the week, I get up, go to work, return home, do whatever I need to do in the couple of hours before bed, crash for the night, lather-rinse-repeat until Friday. I try and fill my weekends as much as I can by going to gigs, events, cinema, anything that'll give me something to look forward to and get me out of the house and out of my own head. Sometimes it helps for a while, but in the end, I think I'm just distracting myself.

I think my social life might be a large part of the problem. As the years go on, it just seems to be becoming more and more unstable. As I mentioned above, I do have a few good friends who've been fairly constant throughout my life, but these days I've been seeing them less and less frequently. I know that at this stage of life (I'm in my mid-twenties), it's normal for old friends to scatter, but I seem to be having a hard time replacing them with new ones.

That's not to say there aren't new people in my life... I've made a few new friends over the past couple of years, but I just don't know how to solidify those relationships. I always feel like I need a reason to reach out and make contact (social events, parties, pubs, that sort of thing), and to tell the truth, I don't actually know if this is normal or not. Either way, the end result is that I'm often by myself for long stretches at a time (weeks, sometimes months) when I'd really rather be around other people.

I realise that I've just given two paragraphs over to my social life without really meaning to, so maybe that's telling me something. Maybe I'm just lonely and if I could get that part of my life sorted the rest would fall into place. Maybe a new hobby would help, or maybe a more fulfilling job, or maybe packing everything in to go travel for a bit (if I could afford it anyway). I don't know. I just really want to stop feeling like I'm drifting through life without enjoying it.

Can anybody relate to any of this? Or does anybody know what I should do to snap myself out of it?

I've been thinking about looking into therapy, but to be honest, the thought of it scares the hell out of me, and I really don't know where start looking.

If you've read this far, thank you again. Apologies for the slightly rambling post, but I think writing it helped a little.

magicmushroom

I'm in a very similar position to you and can totally relate to the feeling of something missing despite having everything on the surface - job, nice home, great friends, decent money etc.

I have amazing friends but they can't be with me 24/7 as they have their own lives to lead with partners and kids and like you, I can spend long periods alone.

My solution has been to move back to England where I'm originally from, I leave Ireland in 9 weeks - very unsure about it to be honest but I feel having my family around me will be good.

And in the long run I would like to meet someone and start my own family - I have a feeling this is the 'hole' that might be missing. I'm 28 so I suppose it's a pretty normal age to get a feeling like this.

So I have no solution for you (sorry) but just wanted to point out that you're not strange or unusual for feeling as you do, there are other people in the same boat and it's OK to feel this way.

From your post you don't sound like you have a partner (you don't state your age either) - maybe looking to date and find someone special would be a road to look down? Are you dating at all?

CaraMay

I think what you are experiencing is the norm for people who are single. I know it's little consolation but I have a child and would well a kidney for some free time and being able to head to cinema etc when it suits. Enjoy your free time and making new friends while you can

Gracie83

Hey there
I know what you are going through. I constantly have this feeling like something is not quite in sync in my life and I'm missing out on something even though to the outside world, they would think that that I'm very lucky and have everything going for me. I am grateful for what I have but something just doesn't feel right.
I think everybody experiences what you are going through at some stage or another in their life. I think it's your intuition telling you that all is not well and you need to change something. It could possibly be that you are lonely and want a relationship but I don't think that's the answer if you are not happy in yourself. I don't think that you can be happy in a relationship if you're not happy in yourself. The relationship will be just be a form of escapism. You said in your post that you go out to get out of your head which would suggest that you are trying to deal with some internal struggles/conflicts.
I'm not sure about therapy from my own experience. I went to counselling for a bit but I didn't find it particularly useful in my case. I found the counsellors didn't really talk a lot and it's just me sitting there talking about my past when I wanted some advice on how move forward in the future. I think a life couch would be a better option but that's just my opinion. You could try and read some self help books. I find Paul McKenna pretty good. They're quite motivational if nothing else.

Hi. Well your not the only one. I'm a guy, I think it's harder for men to make new friends as we get older but I think it's a generational thing in general. Fill that spare time. Even doing evening courses just for the sake of it, meet new people, somewhere to go etc. you don't won't to get to my stage at 28 of no weekends out and end up drinking alone listening to music, you will end up regretting it. It's just down to who you are and the pressure we are under to have great and interesting lives that seem to be out of reach for whatever reason, job/family reasons/personal demons etc. try to do the best you can and not worry about that tick tock or what people you once knew are doing and how great things worked of for them because they probably haven't. Ask yourself what could make you fulfilled and the best way to go about it and try to drown out the back round noise which eta louder the older you will get.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for replying

You've all given me something to think about anyway. I had noticed that most people my age seem to have the relationship thing sorted by now, and maybe there's something to that. I don't have anything going on at the moment, apart from the occasional date or whatever. To be honest, I'm not sure how much of a priority this is for me at the moment... I do kind of feel a bit of pang sometimes when I see all my partnered up friends together, but I'm not too worried about it. I kind of feel like it'll fall into place when I've figured out the rest of my life.

I'm kind of starting to think I maybe just need to put myself out there a bit more... Try and meet some people outside of the pub/club scene, get really stuck into something after work. I'm probably just in a rut.

I dunno... I'm sure I'll figure this out though!